What would you do?

[marathonsnickers]

Hi, just wanted some opinions on this. Not sure if I'm overthinking (I have a tendency to do that)
I've been with my bf around 7 months now but only really serious (as in said 'I love you' etc) for the last 3 or so. He's kind, caring, thoughtful, funny etc and we have great chemistry
I recently found out however that he lied to me a few months ago. In his defence we weren't official 'boyfriend and girlfriend' but we had been exclusive for a while and were acting that way. Basically he went out with a couple of mates (true) - just for food and cinema but failed to mention that his ex was going. I'd specifically asked him at the time who was going but while he mentioned the male friends, he missed out the part about her going.
Anyway I found out by accident from his friend and was really shocked that he'd lied by omission if nothing else. I don't believe anything happened between them, he says he didn't want to tell me at the time as he didn't want to ruin how things were progressing between us but he and his ex did part on good terms and had agreed to be friends still. I knew this and if he'd been straight with me, I'd have possibly been ok with it but it's the fact he didn't let me have the chance to be ok or not ok with it, he just did it without regarding my feelings. Since then he hasn't really had any contact with her as things have naturally progressed between us and so he's openly said he feels like he doesn't want her in his life anymore. The only contact they've had was just before Xmas when she messaged him about a letter that had arrived
While we were exclusive at the time we hadn't talked about any future together as such, were only dating once or twice a week and since the time of this happening things have progressed a lot (we've now met each other's family's/ friends etc and are an official couple)
Anyway, we've talked it through he's apologised endlessly and he absolutely hasn't given me any other reason to doubt him. Before I knew about this, he'd already given me the passcode to his phone (I didn't ask, we went on a night out and I completely forgot to take mine so he said something along the lines of 'oh you should really know my passcode in case there's an emergency')
He rarely goes out drinking or anything like that, but he has a brother who he doesn't see very often who's a bit of a lad, lives abroad and comes to visit a couple of times a year. He's due over soon and when we discussed everything and I said it was going to take a while for me to rebuild trust in him, I said I'd struggle when his brother visits as they do usually end up going out. His words to me were, 'don't worry, I won't be going out. I'll square it with X and we'll do something else'
Since then things have been really good and I feel like we're back on track. Talking with him this weekend and he mentioned potentially going out when his brother visits this weekend, I didn't say anything as I'm not sure how I feel about it. Part of me feels like I really do believe his story about his ex, the fact he lied hurt, but I think he has learnt his lesson and I feel like things have been open and honest and great since we talked about it all. On the other hand though, I feel like his actions should live up to his words. He did say he wouldn't be going out but I think because everything's been so good since then he's either completely forgotten he said it, or he's just assumed that everything is ok again now.
I know this is a long and rambly post but I just wanted to get it off my chest and know what others think.

I think while he omitted to say his ex was going, you are building this up into something much bigger than it is. You agree he has done nothing to make you suspicious, so I think you already winding yourself up about him going out with his brother is both unhealthy and could quickly turn to controlling. A relationship should be trusting, with neither of you saying what the other can or can't do.

Thank you, I think that's what I needed to hear.
I don't want to be in a relationship where we're dictating to each other and he's never been that way with me when I have my own plans

I totally get why you were upset when you found out he hadn't told you about the ex but I think as he hasn't done anything else to make you suspect, especially since you've been officially boyfriend and girlfriend you should give him the benefit of the doubt and let it go.

I know it's easier said than done but tbh he's been apologetic and understanding, he sounds like a nice bloke. Let him go out with his brother, don't bring it up again and trust him.

If he does something to break that trust in the future that's a totally different story!

I'm going to try let it go, thank you
I know you're right I just needed to hear it

You're making this into something bigger than it is or was! Some people are uneasy about exes and he may not have wanted to worry you. He can't not go out with his brother if that's what he wants. You either trust him or you don't and he hasn't really done anything to break that trust.

I think you should let it go and move on. He's behaving well now.

If everything is going well and you have no other doubts then I think this is fine, it is disappointing and I would be a bit upset at first too, but it isn't too big of a deal.

Hope things continue to go well! :)

He did break my trust. He rung me the night he went out and when we spoke I asked who went. He mentioned the 2 male friends but didn't mention her, it was her that had organised the whole thing in the first place so it's not like he forgot. He purposefully didn't tell me because he thought it might upset me, so instead he just did it. He admitted he'd feel hurt if I did the same.
Saying that I know I need to move past it now

You’ve being going out for SEVEN MONTHS and you’re already trying to stop him going out? That’s really not healthy. Yes, he shouldn’t have lied, but it’s really not worth all this ‘taking time to rebuild trust’ nonsense, because he didn’t actually do anything wrong. How long had you been together when he was out with his ex? You sound very dramatic

Lots of people stay in contact with their exes, there is nothing wrong with that. Sure, he probably should have told you but I suspect he was just trying to make sure that you didn't freak out and end things with him before they had even really got started. There is absolutely no reason that you should be trying to guilt him into not going out, he has not really done anything wrong. You are in danger of being very controlling here, if he wants to go out with his brother then he can go out with his brother. If you try to stop him doing things like that then one day he is going to realise that you are isolating him from his friends and family, very very unhealthy. Don't be that person, and try to focus on something else. He's never really given you any reason to doubt him.

I'm not dramatic at all about things generally I just have more respect for people who have the balls to tell the truth.

In the time we've been together he's been out with his brother once and his friends a couple of times and I've only ever wished him a good night and left him to it, before I found out he'd lied.
He told me on our first date he'd parted on good terms with his ex, never been an issue which is why it hurt that he'd lied about telling me.
Anyway, I've heard what I needed to hear. I haven't said anything about him going out and I won't. Thanks for all your advice

OP with all due respect this doesn't sound healthy. That a boy or girl friend of a few months wants to go out with friends or his relative shouldn't be subject to such levels of scrutiny by their partner. Even if one is an ex. The fact that he couldn't tell you about it means he is either scared of your reactions or he is just a liar. The same applies to going out with his brother.
You have no reason to doubt someone based on this and you have no reason to expect him not to go out with his brother. He should have better boundaries. So should you. Nothing you do will stop someone cheating if thats what they want to do. But if he doesn't want to cheat your behaviour could destroy both of you. It is very very unhealthy

@LemonTT thank you for your reply. I agree with the majority of what you say.
This is the first thing we have ever fallen out over and we have talked very openly about it since.
I've never tried to stop him doing anything and while yes I had a a bit of a wobble over this (I still don't feel I'm wrong to have been a bit upset he didn't tell me. His ex text him directly to arrange the night but he made out he'd just been out with the 2 friends he told me about) I'm not going to let it ruin things

This is not a normal reaction and your behaviour is bordering on controlling. No wonder he didn't tell you if this is how you react. It's only been 7 months and you're trying to stop him going out when his brother visits from abroad??

I don't think from what you've said that you sound controlling. Lying is really not OK and I'd be wondering if he was keeping his options open at the time. If there's no unfinished business with the ex why on earth lie? It'd worry me too

I can see why you're unhappy about the omission, most people would be, but it's sensible to forget about it I think. He's done nothing questionable since.

If you try to stop him going out with his sibling, his family will think you're odd.

@onanothertrain he'd have no reason not to tell me, a scenario like this had never occurred previously and I've never had any issues with him doing his own thing. We both have separate social lives as well as the things we do together.
Just to clarify I never said he couldn't go out. At the time I was upset that he'd lied and it did make me question if I could trust him for a little, so at the time I just said I'm going to find it hard when you're next out as if he found it easy to lie to me about spending time with her, then what's to stop him lying about others? He was the one who said he wouldn't go out as he didn't want me worrying. This convo was literally just after I'd found out about him going out with his ex and since then it hasn't been brought up and things have been good.
Thinking with a level head, I do trust him. He's a genuine guy and I just needed to hear that I'm not being naive and missing a massive red flag by moving past it
I'm not going to try and stop him going out, I just needed a bit of reassurance that's all

I think you are right to be very wary of someone who lies to you in case you’re upset or pissed off about what they’re doing.

My ex is an ex because he wouldn’t tell me stuff in case it upset me or pissed me off. He is a real people pleaser, trying to keep everyone happy required lying. Sometimes you just have to be an adult and decide what the right thing to do and do it, being honest, not lying to avoid upsetting anyone.

No amount of ‘I can deal with anything, as long it’s the truth’ changed his behaviour and I just couldn’t trust him to be telling the truth.

I wish I’d got out sooner.

I'd be annoyed he'd kept it from me. But you can't, as you have realised, keep him under lock and key and I'm sure you would hate it if he tried to stop you from going out without him. That would be totally unhealthy, and particularly so early on in the relationship. I think you either trust him or you dont. If you don't, even if we might think it sounds a bit unfair, you don't and there isn't much of a future for the relationship.

Op, honestly I'd dump your ass. Of course he should go out with his brother. I mean what th actual fuck. If the genders were revealed and this was a woman posting her partner didn't want her to go out, with her sister, because in the very early stages she went out with a group of mates and her ex was there and didn't mention it, then there would be an outcry of dump him.

Seriously. Broke your trust, think he shouldn't be allowed out.

What do you want to be. His partner or his mum?

@IncrediblySadToo thank you. That's how I feel too. However stepping back and looking at things logically and taking everyone else's comments on board, I truly don't think he has been dishonest about anything else.
Things have moved on with us since it happened and like I've said, he's not given me any other reasons to doubt him.
I made it more than clear that I won't tolerate lies and we did agree to draw a line under it so I know I can't let it eat away at me.

@Bluntness100 - it wasn't going out with a group of mates and his ex happened to be there. It was his ex texting him to arrange the night and then inviting some other friends. It was planned with her, but he told me he'd planned it with his other friend and when I asked in passing who'd gone he never once mentioned her. That's a blatant lie in my book I'm not sorry about the fact I don't want to be lied to.

I've never once said he shouldn't be allowed out, he'd made the statement about not going out and a bit of me felt like he shouldn't say things like that if he has no intention of doing it .....but like I've said now, I'm not stopping him. He's going out, no problem.

Well, good luck. I thought we’d drawn a line under it too, I blunted the pencil.

How come she is still getting his post?

OP - you sound either very young or very inexperienced - and definitely somewhat insecure. This is why the controlling vibe comes out - you feel you red to guard him as a possession of sorts.
Watch out for that - in the long term that only leads to bad places.

In the early days of your relationship - when you weren’t exclusive he went out. He didn’t need to report - and you should have not even been quizzing - then - or later.

Unless the relationship is balanced - and either party trusts each other - based on the behaviour while in the actual exclusive relationship - there is no future.
At only 3 months of the ‘serous’ phase - you aren’t looking great.
I hope he doesn’t end up in a relationship that isn’t good for him.