Parenting Marriage /stay together for the kids.

[Lookingforhappiness]

Hello , is anyone in one of these or knows anybody who is ?
My partner and I have been together since school although we seperated 6 months ago. Since the separation we are getting on a lot better and everything is very amicable. He stays for tea one night a week and has the kids every other weekend. Neither of the children seems hugely affected and we've settled into a lovely routine.
However, this isn't sustainable long term due to financial reasons. My (ex?) partner is living with his parents an hour and a half away so commuting into work everyday is quite tiring for him. He is still paying the mortgage on our house until the fixed rate is up at the end of the year and we will then decide to sell. I work as a relief dinner lady at my eldests school so don't earn enough to buy my own house at this point. I feel bad that the kids are missing out on holidays etc and things have become very tight but still manageable with the maintenance payments and benefits.
There is no way our romantic relationship will ever be the same again , we tried for years to get intimacy back and going out for meals , talking to each other and there is just nothing there romantically. What is there however is mutual love and respect as parents of our 2 wonderful children. It seems silly to throw all that stability and way of life away for the kids just because we are no longer in love.
I'm just looking for advice from anyone who has/is in one of these relationships. I've ordered a book called The New I Do which looks like it will be helpful but any first hand experience would also be good. :)

Sorry you have separated but I think its great you have parted so amicably and he is committed to seeing and coparenting the children.

Are you suggesting staying together with no romantic relationship? That would be disasterous long term.

Can you get a better job to improve your finances? Then when you sell house maybe you can get smal mortgage?

Hi yes that's the definition of a parenting marriage I believe. To live platonically and it does seem absolutely crazy but apparently lots of couples do it successfully ... just maybe nobody on mumsnet? We are going to really look into it with this book I have bought but was hoping for some first hand experience in here.
I suppose when you think of family life, what's 'normal' anyway ? and if you find something that works for your family then it shouldn't matter how society perceives it. I don't drive and getting a full time job would require both childcare & taxis as public transport is atrocious in my village. Even if I was to secure a job it would only be supermarket work or something low paid - not enough to get a property with the £20k I will be left in equity from the sale of our current home.
We are financially stable when living together and would be able to provide the kids with money for school trips, extra curriculars , holidays , driving lessons (all things my parents could never pay for me and I did hate missing out on).
People say money doesn't buy happiness but being financially secure is so important to us as a family. We're not rich by any stretch of the imagination but we had both our children very young and I remember the days when my youngest didn't even have pyjamas and would have to wear my eldests old t-shirts for bed. We are doing so much better now , own our own home and both in work . It seems sad to have gotten to this point and then go back to struggling but individually. I will never fall back in love with my husband because we've tried all that , listening to each other, date nights etc and the feelings aren't there anymore. But we do care very deeply for one another and the family unit. I wouldn't have any quarms whatsoever about my husband seeing other people as long as they weren't brought into the home. We are both of the view that we will reassess when our children are grown (at which point we will be late 30s early 40s so still young enough to start again if we wanted). I honestly don't believe our children will be the kind who look back and think "I wish my parents had not stayed together for us because they always argued" because we don't argue. And they won't think "they could have been happier with other people" because we will explain how we did it for them and how we were happy as a family just not romantically. Surely there must be someone living like this or having done this? It's such a big decision and if money were no object of course we would stay seperated. Why is life so hard .

In theory it sounds great. In practice, it sounds like the ideal option for everyone.
But what happens if either of you want to start dating someone else? Could that cause issues between you both? You and dh.
How would your new partners feel about you both still living together.
I don't know how old your children are, and I understand about your points on life style. But it sounds as though you've decided to 'split' because of no romantic sexual feelings, yet you haven't actually changed anything at all.
If you're positive you both have zero feelings for each other then go for it. But it's possible one of you could be 'going along with this' for fear of letting go, and or the perks.
Holidays don't necessarily make a childhood.

We don't live together and haven't since the end of October. He sees the kids every other weekend and is over one night a week for tea. I am claiming benefits and he gives me £400 a month but also pays the mortgage. The only sticking point has been when we start to think about the logistics of selling up at the end of the year (because he can't live at his parents forever or continue to pay a mortgage on a home he isn't living in). It isn't just about holidays, it's about being financially comfortable I suppose. Having been in a position where we had nothing but debt and scraping money together for the weekly shop, I don't ever want to go back to that again. If the kids want a chocolate bar from the shop on a weekend, they can have one. It's just such a nice feeling to not be wondering how we will afford to live.
I was still a teenager when pregnant with my first and only 22 when pregnant with my second. We've been through a lot together but naturally grown apart. We enjoy spending time together watching TV and chatting. We also enjoy being together the 4 of us. But there are no romantic feelings there . I find myself looking at photos he posts on social media and willing myself to want to kiss him but I just don't, it's like he's my brother. Back in 2013 he was very open with me and said he didn't love me , everything I did annoyed him etc. We tried to work through it and compromised but the feelings were no longer there which is why we decided to split this past October after 5 years of trying to make it work. When we take away the pressure of a 'relationship' we work so well together . In terms of meeting other people , whilst the kids are young the rules would be just don't bring anyone into the house. Once the kids were grown that would change. If neither of us had met anyone special by that point we would probably continue to live alongside each other just dating other people . It's all about reassessing at different times I suppose.
I feel like my parents may have done something similar although I can't be sure. I never thought they were in love because they never kissed or held hands. They split up when I was 15 and very suddenly had new partners (maybe they had been there all along?) . To see them both in a loving relationship showed me what a true relationship should look like, but I still look back on our time together as a family with fondness and so do my siblings. The only thing we say to each other is we wish they had been honest with us about what the set up was. So if they had said "we don't love each other as husband and wife anymore but we love each other in a different way and love our family unit" then we wouldn't have grown up thinking it was normal to act like just friends with your husband/wife. Does any of that make sense ?! I feel that conversation may be harder than when we told the kids we were seperating. Because they are 5 and 9 so it probably wouldn't matter to them at this point as long as we are all happy ? Ugh I don't really know. I just wish someone would come along and say "I did this/am doing this and life is great" haha.

I get where you're coming from but what happens when one of you meets someone else? It's putting off the inevitable I think.

It would be putting a plaster on the wound rather than investigating why you’re bleeding in the first place.

Nice idea in principle and it’s really apparent you’re doing it with all good intentions however, you never know what’s around the corner.

You could both meet people and then what? There’s a plethora of threads on here, where people are accusing new partners of being too close to their ex’s. If your partner explained your situation to a new girlfriend, he’d be accused on here of going through the ‘script’

It may be very amicable now but it is only because he is living with his parents , paying £400 maintenance and the mortgage.

Think you need to be prepared for a big fall out when he gets his life back together.

I think it must work for at least a certain percentage of people for it to have been termed a 'parenting marriage' and there to be advise about it out there. That's exactly what I mean backstabbath that it's working well now but we can't keep this situation forever, he can't live at his parents forever or continue to pay for a house he isn't living in; hence the conversation about a parenting marriage. Both of us would be worse off financially if we were to live separately. When the bills and mortgage is joint , life is easier and therefore less stressful. If there's no abuse or arguing involved it sort of makes sense. With regards to meeting other people we have covered that and as far as we are concerned we can date other people until the kids are grown and then we reassess it. If he came to me sooner than that and said he really wanted to move in with his girlfriend then we would approach it differently but I don't think that would happen as we both have the family unit at the front of our minds. Maybe I could come back in 5 years time and let you know how it's going ? It's either gone horribly wrong or we are plodding along quite nicely , who knows .
My husband doesn't even think he can afford for the kids to each have their own room in a house he buys because of having such a small deposit when we split the money. I won't be able to buy at all because my income will be too low to secure a mortgage so I'll have £20k to squander on rent because I will be over the threshold of £6k in savings which means I won't get any benefits. It makes absolutely zero sense financially even though emotionally we don't want to be together. It's a difficult situation to be in but we feel this is worth a try considering it's a viable option to many.

If you think its worth a try I'd suggest you put a time limit on it. Upskill yourself, learn to drive (unless you have a medical condition that prevents it) and try to earn better money when your children need less childcare. Discuss the new partner scenario and have strict ground rules in place. I'd hate to burn through 20k when it could be used as a deposit. You do need to look after yourself financially in the long run.

I do have a medical reason for not being able to drive unfortunately. There is nothing I hate more than not having the independence to drive myself about . I have the dentist today and have had to call a taxi and spend £5 each way when it's only a short drive away (I would do the 30 min walk there if this storm wasn't so atrocious).
That's exactly my reasoning for not splitting up, neither of us are in a good position financially when apart. Once we have a significant amount of equity and I am earning more or we have met other partners where it's sustainable to get joint mortgages then of course it will be different. It's financial suicide at the moment and it's the kids who will be affected as well .

Good idea about the time limit. We have said we will do a reassessment every 5 years.

Following with interest.

DC are a lot older than yours but would still be upset if I split from DH. I don't have romantic feelings for DH anymore, at all. I told him this recently, and that I wanted to split up.

He took it well, and was surprisingly calm about it, and agreed that we don't work as a couple anymore. He said he'd prefer to stay together for financial reasons, and for the DC in their final years of schooling.

Now things are finally out in the open we are getting on SO much better! As you said, once the 'being in a relationship' pressure is off, it changed the dynamic somehow.

But.. do I want to stay in this suspended limbo? And is it good for either of us?

Omg someone in the same place as us ! It is great to take away that romantic relationship pressure isn't it.
I will say that since we seperated I have been so so happy living on my own & being a single parent. He has also been happy going to the gym regularly and seeing the kids on weekends. I understand what you're saying about being in limbo because when my husband left it was like a massive relief having made a decision, I wasn't in limbo anymore. Then I discovered a parenting marriage and thought it could solve our financial difficulties when seperated.
I think the lady who suggested a time limit was on the nail. You could say when the kids have finished their schooling you will look at it again ? We've thought about living seperate social lives so he goes the gym and the pub, I go swimming & out with friends . Then we get together as a family for day trips etc.

What does your DH think OP? Is he on board with this? I mean you are talking about you looking into it - but my DH would never agree to this if we split up. Is yours really willing to do this?

If he is then go for it - it would be better than what both of you have now and I have friends who are divorced - there are not a lot of fab single men out there who want to date them so if you think you are missing out on movie style romance, you probably are not.

Look up ‘nesting’.

You are right, there are many ways to live your life.

He is 100% on board because he can't stand living with his parents & thinks it's silly that we get on so well but can't live together even platonically. We both love our children more than life itself (like all parents) and that increases the bond we have with each other. When something happens at school I will always text him or get the kids to ring him & last weekend my son rode a bike without stabilizers so my husband called me to sing his praises. We get on incredibly well.
Annasgirl I do wonder if I would be missing out on movie style romance so that's reassuring to hear haha. The fact I'll be only 33 and he only 34 when we reassess the situation in 5 years time gives me hope that time is on our side too, should we wish to cut our losses at that point. If not, and it's going well, we will just carry on as we are.

I looked up nesting and it seems similar, but more of a definite interim period with an end in sight i.e. divorce. The book I ordered has just arrived on the doormat - it's called The New I Do and offers many alternatives to marriage. I'm going to look up the parenting marriage section and see if me and my husband can't get together at some point to go through it.

Rather alternatives to the traditional marriage rather than marriage itself haha *

I can see why people are sceptical,but I think it is worth considering.Would give your DC more financial and emotional stability
Might be worth a try

Thanks user. It's just about moulding our marriage to suit us. If that means putting an expiry date on it then that doesn't necessarily mean it wasn't successful. The kids stability is really important to us and like you say they will be more emotionally and financially secure this way. Although to be honest they are emotionally secure since the separation because of how amicable it is. I suppose we will see what happens !

If you truly believe you will be happy in this situation then go for it ... but I do have a question do you think you might be living a lie?

I don't know I'll be truly happy but it's something we are looking into . We can go through the book together and see what each of us thinks of the idea. It doesn't really matter even what family think as long as us 4 are ok.
Living a lie in what way ? Because we are in a marriage but not in the traditional sense ?

OP - you're being honest, practical and sensible.

Lots of people would either pretend their marriage was fine and then bitterly divorce as empty nesters or rush ahead without thinking through just how the rent/bills were to be paid and two households maintained.

You do need a long term plan for gaining financial independence, for all your sakes.

What other (better paid, more secure) jobs could you do in the future? Do you need access to more training or qualifications?

Can you and your husband share childcare more equally in the longer term so you can work more hours and be less reliant on his income/benefits?

Thanks dameofdilemma. If he moved back in we have thought about me doing nights , for example there is a packing factory 5 mins walk away where I could do three 12 hour shifts a week. Obviously there are no jobs there at the moment but they often pop up on jobsites and my friend works there. Husband would be coming home as I was going out so someone would always be with the kids and no need for childcare. That's just one option for work I am sure there will be something else suitable at some point in the near future, driving is the biggest barrier as transport eats up so much of earnings. I need something on a direct bus route or walkable.
Maintaining two households is one of the barriers we hit when we thought about divorcing over the years. This seems like a practical solution if only a medium term one.

@Lookingforhappiness sorry living a lie isn't the correct phase, apologise. I guess I am wondering if you would feel cheated in someway? That potentially you could be missing out on your greatest love story with someone else because of the situation?

You are being very selfless towards your children, but I am wondering would they be as happy knowing there mom is happy?