Please help me to leave my husband.

[hadenoughnow]

Hi, have NC for this but am a regular.

The situation is this. I've been married for 6 years. Two kids under 7.

I want to seperate from my DH. There's no abuse, no infidelity, few arguments. I just don't love him anymore. I don't fancy him and we haven't had sex for over a year. ( My choice, he's very unhappy about it)

However, between us we are good parents. Our kids are great, well behaved, happy etc. They'd be devestated if we split.

I Also have 2 amazing stepkids who we currently have EOW.

I know I need to seperate from my DH, but there is a long list of reasons why I don't want to:

1. Breaking up the family- my DC will be heartbroken
2. I won't have a relationship with my stepkids any more
3. I would have to quit my much-loved job. There's no way I'd be able to do the travelling and overnights as a single parent.
4. I'd have to leave my lovely house
5. I'd be much worse off financially.

Please help me to see sense/find the courage to do this.

Or do I suck it up? I am ACTUALLY happy with a good lifestyle/set up.

I'm torn. Please help.

Do you really want this for the rest of you’re life?

The danger you are in is that you will meet someone and find yourself sucked into a horrible complicated situation. Yes it’s going to mean a change of living standards, but it will be worth it - I left my beautiful huge self-build that I had designed to be perfect for us and moved to somewhere much smaller and less lovely and was worse off financially and I can tell you it’s been well well worth it.

Why would you have to move out?

You deserve to be happy. There isn’t a threshold for unhappiness you have to hit to end a relationship.

Sorry to derail op but.
@karenandthekids
Why are Karen and the kids talking in the third person?

OP, you've checked out of your marriage, you don't want sex with your husband but you want to keep him hanging on so you can stay in your 'lovely house'.

Doesn't sound all that good to me. Start organising yourself - job, home, support etc.

@karenandthekids is an obvious troll. Op you should be happy. Breaking up is never easy but it is necessary when you don’t love someone anymore.

Have you told him, unequivocally, you won't ever want sex with him ever again? Or are you letting him believe that this sexless phase is only temporary? If he were to understand that you have lost all sexual interest in him, permanently, he'd might be as motivated as you to end the marriage.

How much does he know about how’s you feel?

I know this is a cliche but life is short and you deserve to be happy. Of course your children will be upset but they will adapt (like all kids do). Don't leave it until you are much older and then things get even harder.
I wish I had split from my ex long before I did but, like you, I was scared to and didn't want to hurt the kids. Now i'm in my 40s and single and wish I'd done it sooner.
I had to give up my beautiful new home and I'm worse off financially but, you know what, I'm happier.

Have you tried to work on the relationship? It just seems a bit abrupt to fall out of love and leave, when you have a whole life together and a family (including step-kids) to consider.

Your comment about there being "few arguments" makes me feel that perhaps there is stuff going on which is not being dealt with; maybe you're relating to each other on a more superficial / less meaningful way than you could be?

I'm struck by your desire to leave, rather than to identify the problem and see if it is something that could be worked on.

Is this a pattern that you recognise from anywhere else in your life?

Have you had any counselling?

Was there anything that happened that put you off him sexually?

Is there any way you could have a really frank and honest conversation about how you're feeling and wanting to leave. And possibly (depending on how the conversation goes) try to give things one last, really good try... it sounds like there is an awful lot at stake. Sorry you're going through this.

Yes what does he know?

there’s a wealth of support and practical advice here op but how your husband reacts to this will have a big impact on how smoothly this goes for all of you.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

What are your actual reasons as to why you want to split up (seems very woolly compared to the reasons you don't)!
WOuld counselling help?

Thanks for the replies. I haven't actually told him that I don't love him but I've told him I'm not interested in sex at all. This upsets him of course.

What are my reasons for wanting to leave? Just that I don't love or fancy him. Thats it. There's honestly nothing else.

It seems selfish to disrupt 4 kids because there is a feeling missing for me, buy as pp said, I deserve to be happy.

annelovesgilbert because the house is in his name.

motherofdragonite

I'm struck by your desire to leave, rather than to identify the problem and see if it is something that could be worked on

I'm not sure that it's possible to work on making yourself feel in love with someone? Once it's gone, it's gone hasn't it? I wish I could though.

As you’re married the house is a joint asset. It doesn’t matter who paid what into it, you own it together.

Young kids put a lot of strain in a relationship and you often stop doing couple stuff as you're in full parenting mode. It's worth trying to make the relationship work before you split. If you can't reignite the love then fair enough, but it's worth trying.

Do you spend time as a couple? Do fun things together? What attracted you to him? How long have you been feeling this way etc.

@hadenoughnow I feel conflicted about this as I feel it's totally normal fall in and out of love with someone over the course of a life time. And from your post I don't really see what upside there would be in leaving? Will you be happier on your own? Could it all be a case of you need to focus on your self love first and then couples counselling and maybe that might fix things within the marriage? I'm not sure just throwing things out there.

I'm a single parent to 3 and it's bloody hard. I'm
Physically and mentally broken from it.

musti no, we don't anymore. Tbh, we never did before the kids, apart from going out for dinner, drinking and sex.

We have nothing in common. I like the outdoors, exercise, reading. He likes tv, playing games on his phone.

He asks me If I want to watch a movie with him, and I say no, because he wants to watch something that doesn't interest me at all. I ask him if he'd like to go for walk with me and the kids and the dogs and be says no because he doesn't like walking!

giantnannyknickers
Exactly! What is the point in leaving? That's what I keep telling myself. I'd just be upsetting 4 amazing kids, just for a minor improvement for me.

SP to 3 must be incredibly hard, bet you're doing an amazing job though

Maybe it would be better for you both for you to leave, I doubt he’s feeling good or receiving much from this relationship by the sounds of it. So yes find the courage to leave and maybe you both have a chance of happiness

I'm on the fence here OP. I definitely believe you only have one life, you make it as good as possible which includes leaving unhappy relationships. You can be happy single. Break ups are a part of life and your kids will understand that even if they are initially shocked.

On the other hand though, I agree with pp that it's not realistic or imo possible to be "in love" with someone over a lifetime. I think the best you can hope for is a reasonable level of friendship and respect, are a good team domestically and have a nice family life together.

I wonder if a solution for you would actually be to focus less on the relationship. Mulling over it constantly and always thinking "hmm we don't go out to dinner any more" (who does?) can't be helping. What about trying to spice up your own life through new hobbies, going out, activities with dc. I know when I'm unhappy generally DH can seem like the problem for his quietness/boringness. When I'm happy and busy it's lovely to come home to a calm, kind man.