Please help me to leave my husband.

[hadenoughnow]

Hi, have NC for this but am a regular.

The situation is this. I've been married for 6 years. Two kids under 7.

I want to seperate from my DH. There's no abuse, no infidelity, few arguments. I just don't love him anymore. I don't fancy him and we haven't had sex for over a year. ( My choice, he's very unhappy about it)

However, between us we are good parents. Our kids are great, well behaved, happy etc. They'd be devestated if we split.

I Also have 2 amazing stepkids who we currently have EOW.

I know I need to seperate from my DH, but there is a long list of reasons why I don't want to:

1. Breaking up the family- my DC will be heartbroken
2. I won't have a relationship with my stepkids any more
3. I would have to quit my much-loved job. There's no way I'd be able to do the travelling and overnights as a single parent.
4. I'd have to leave my lovely house
5. I'd be much worse off financially.

Please help me to see sense/find the courage to do this.

Or do I suck it up? I am ACTUALLY happy with a good lifestyle/set up.

I'm torn. Please help.

I'm in a similar position and wrangling with the same arguments for and against staying/splitting. Like you, our interests are very different, even down to types of film, what to watch etc. On our shared days off he wants to relax and enjoy being at home, I would love to be out and about. We rub along well enough, he is trying (we've discussed all these points) and will go along with doing things at the moment but I'm still the driving force. We too only did meals out etc pre kids so it feels like there isn't a foundation of fun to build upon.

But we get along ok. He is really happy with how things were before I said I wasn't happy. But probably because I've been quite passive and gone along with what he preferred to do. Now I feel I'm being quite unfair and asking him to change the person he is basically if he wants it to work.

I agree to an extent with what people have said re it being unrealistic to expect to feel "in love" after so many years, but then my husband says he is in love with me still and until I raised all this he was blissfully happy. So that in itself makes me think it must be possible as he feels that way? If that makes sense?

Sorry - I'm offering no advice here, I'm aware of that, but wanted to say you aren't alone.

If you have polar opposite interests then it must be so hard. Is there anything that neither of you do at the moment that you could both start doing?

Thanks needsomepoints

Have you always had such different interests? Does he really dislike walking etc or might he be unmotivated, depressed or something?
I felt similar to you at one point, but breaking up wasn't feasible at the time. So I focused on really enjoying my own pursuits anyway and letting him do the same. And I would respectfully take an interest in what he had been doing and tell him what I'd enjoyed, with no expectation of him sharing any of it. And somehow we seemed to get more interested in each other's hobbies again. (we had both changed what we enjoyed and grown apart)
Now I am happier with him than ever. Sorry that's not meant to be bragging, I do know how miserable it is to be in the opposite state, and I can't claim it will work out that way for anyone else, just sharing in case there's anything in my experience that helps at all.
Oh and I think I stop fancied him because I found his lack of interest in me and my stuff made him less attractive to me if that makes sense.

Yes, I do think it is possible for two people to fall in love again. The quality of love can change and evolve a lot over the course of a long relationship.

Did you and your DH originally love and fancy each other? Do you think he still feels that way about you?

Have you thought about the factors that might have led to your stopping feeling that way? For example, are there ways in which you no longer connect? How do you split the housework/family work/financial responsibility? Do you feel you communicate in an authentic and deep way?

@hdh747 I think has made some valid points! Maybe practising self love and finding hobbies you love and enjoy will allow you to focus less on what's wrong with your relationship. And through self love, you will find it easier to give and show more love and appreciation for your partner perhaps.

I'm also going to throw it out there, but why not try something you've both never done together? An escape room, spa day, rock climbing or virtual reality gaming (way more fun than I thought it would be & I hate gaming)

Create new shared experiences together can release endorphins and maybe bring you guys together as a team again!

I think at least If you tried this and there was still no fixing it then you know you've tried you're best.

Well, you’ve managed to create 4 kids with this man so I assume you must’ve loved/fancied him at some point.
Maybe if you both put in a bit of effort, it might grow back again.

Can I also ask if there is anybody else?

Ispeak I have 2 kids with him. Read the OP at least.

I don’t think everyone as invested as you are in your post, so when you say half way through ‘disrupting four children’ people assume you have four children. They don’t have time to go back and unlock it. You were rude to Ispeak

Unpick not unlock.

hdh and granny really helpful posts, thank you.

Good suggestion about trying something new.

Also, you've reassured me about the possibility of falling in and out of love.

With regards to me having my own interests and hobbies etc, that's actually part of the problem. I have a good social life, hobbies by myself and with DC and stepkids. Dh feels left out but also won't join in!!

Have you asked him why he won't join in? Discussed the lack of closeness between you?

I tend to believe we can choose to love someone. We’ve been married 35 years. Marriages ebb and flow, usually based on the needs of children and their independence.

You, for the most part, are making this all about you. That’s unfair, IMHO. It’s also very unfair to expect your husband to live in a sexless marriage.