Is it ever okay to hit your partner? BDSM related.

[Catscratchclub]

I have posted many times over the last 6 months about my break up from my ex. I really am sorry to keep asking questions from you lot - I’ve had some counselling but am still processing things and trying to work out where my boundaries SHOULD be.

Ex and I had a BDSM sex life - I asked on 2 occasions for him to tone it down, but generally, I liked our sex life at the time. That said - now we are apart and with counselling, I can see it was probably very abusive and damaging.

So, given the above and that he had “permission” to hit / hurt me during sex, is it ever okay that that happened outside the bedroom?

First occasion we were in a bar and he slapped me in front of friends when he was drunk. He can’t remember this but says it was probably him attempting foreplay.

Next 2 times were when we were just randomly watching tv and then chatting in the kitchen. I cried out the first time he slapped me when we were watching tv, and he said “oh, so you only like it when your turned on?” And the time in the kitchen I don’t think I really responded at all. I remember saying “Don’t” but there was no discussion or fuss.

I wasn’t scared of him on these occasions, more caught off guard and unnerved (there was another incident where I was frightened but he wasn’t violent then) and he was so calm and considered that I don’t know if it was wrong?

We generally had a very loving, but dysfunctional and toxic relationship. He’s angry at me for viewing these occasions as wrong and says I’m out to get him and twist things.

I’m confused - I don’t know where my boundaries SHOULD be, I don’t know how I should view these incidents? It’s bothering me and I don’t know why.

I should add - I was sexually abused as a child, which is why I’m aware I have shit boundaries generally. I have had psychotherapy over the years, but not currently.

You know the answer to this. It’s not ok for someone to hit you without your permission. What happens in your bedroom is irrelevant.

Thank you, I needed to hear that I think.

He’s adamant that I am being vindictive and trying to twist it, and because I didn’t mind in other scenarios, it’s confusing. He’s so angry with me about it for saying I didn’t like it.

I'm into BDSM. Sounds like he hid behind BDSM to abuse you

NoArmani I am beginning to consider that, is kind of been a creeping realisation that the BDSM lifestyle may of covered up some behaviours that were just plain old abusive. It’s hard when you have said things are okay in certain situations - I was a sub, so can I really complain that he was controlling outside our sex life?

There were certain aituations which were absolutely not okay (he locked me in the house) it’s the grey area ones which I am struggling with.

Thank you for replying - it helps knowing you have insight into the lifestyle too.

I'm in a very long term BDSM relationship. I'm the Domme. Never. Ever. Would I hit my husband outside the bedroom. Let alone when drunk!

He's your ex. An abusive ex.

That wasn't BDSM, that was violent abuse.

What you do in the bedroom is completely different - and no Dom treats their sub so badly unless they are a cowardly abuser hiding behind the excuse of it being BDSM.

@MitziK 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

I have name changed for this-

I think you know this wasn't normal within your relationship- you wouldn't be asking if you thought it was fine. That means it's not OK.

Is there a reason you need to keep contact with him? If not, I would cut him off entirely. He doesn't sound like the type of person you need to keep in your life.

I think there are an awful lot of "doms" out there who are really just abusive shits. I'd define as submissive in the bedroom, but I'm very careful about letting new partners know about that now after having some bad experiences.

I'm lucky now that I'm with someone who's very respectful, and we discuss and reaffirm boundaries often. In a safe BDSM relationship, I think the dom should always ask and check in before starting any kind of "scene" or doing anything violent. I might enjoy being slapped, but sometimes I don't want that during sex, let alone without any warning. Equally, sometimes I might want to be called a dirty little slut, but sometimes I need more affirming and gentle sex.

And that's ok. It's ok to say something crossed a line, even if you liked it yesterday and you'll like it again tomorrow. It's ok to say not now, or not like that.

He's a dick.

My partner is definitely a dom in the bedroom- he often controls when I'm allowed to orgasm during sex, for example. He'd never control me in any other aspect of my life and it wouldn't even cross his mind.

Thank you, it really does help to have people’s opinions. I’ve been mulling it over and going round in circles for a long time.

Can I ask, given he thinks he it was BDSM, is it his fault? I know that’s a stupid question, and I don’t know how to phrase it better! I think I’m confused by how adamant he is that I’m twisting things to make him out to be abusive. Can he genuinely believe it was okay, or do you think he knows it was wrong?

We had a coffee earlier this week (by accident, I was already sat in coffee shop when he walked in) and he was so irked by me the whole time. He said a few times I had a victim mentality. I wish I’d had the balls to tell him to fuck off, but it was only afterwards when I was going over our discussions that things started pinging out at me!

Your ex is an abusive twat. And doubly so for using BDSM as a shield/justification for his abuse.

I am in a BDSM relationship. My Dom only ever hurts me during scenes, with my permission (because I like it!) and within the limits that I set. He would never, ever, ever do so outside the bedroom. I give up power to him during sex because it turns us both on. But outside of that, we are equals.

For the sake of other women out there. I hope he doesn't find another gf.

Thank you NNna that’s really useful to hear, it’s funny how it makes sense when someone else writes it, when you are living it the lines blur a bit.

He was very controlling out the bedroom too, but again, I liked it to a degree. I ended up giving up my job so I could spend my time with him, changed my hair Color to one he chose, he picked all my clothes.

I am thinking that we were just maybe a bad match for each other - that because I didn’t tell him to fuck off where other people might of, that we went down a slippery slope where it almost turned abusive by accident? Because neither of us stopped it?

Does that make sense?

Consensual BDSM doesn't equate to giving the dom carte blanche to be physically or otherwise abusive outside of agreed sexual limits - your limits, OP. You're absolutely entitled to set your own boundaries. Your ex shouldn't be going near BDSM if he doesn't understand this.

Victoria I might be naive, but I don’t think he would be like that with other women - I think because i never said no, he just pushed the boundaries more and more?

I know his ex wife really well, and she would have killed him if he’d ever hit her. I know she said he was controlling - but not to the degree he was with me, because she wouldn’t allow it. I think anyway, without having been a part of their relationship!

In answer to your question, I don’t think it matters whether he really believes what he’s saying or whether he’s deliberately gaslighting you. Either way, it’s abuse, it’s not acceptable and it’s not your fault. Having been there with an ex of mine, I would encourage you to stop trying to guess his motives. It’s highly likely he knew exactly what he was doing though. Most abusers do.

He is hiding behind BDSM to be abusive. It should always be driven by the sub and you yourself said he needed to tone it down

And it never leaves the parameters set - he is wrong and you are well rid off

A good BDSM relationship thrives on communication. Was he always Dom in bed? As a PP said sometimes we're loving and gentle to each other. Other times it's D/s. BDSM is always safe, consensual and sane. Otherwise it's abuse.

During sex, you like to be slapped/whatever. Outside of sex, you don’t so he should touch you.

During sex, you probably also like having a penis inserted in to your vagina. Outside of sex, what would you say if he just penetrated you without your consent?

Thank you everyone - it really has helped me see all your responses, and it’s a relief to know that my gut feeling wasn’t totally bananas.

LandL he was always the Dom, the very first time we had sex he strangled me, so the tone was always set. I asked him once if we could make love, and he said we always did - that this was our way of making love. I think I perhaps needed to be more clear cut about how I wanted more gentle sex on occasion too.

Harv you discussed any form of boundaries the first time including setting out safe words and you were ok with it

It’s really annoys me abusive violent men who do it under the guise of bdsm when it isn’t at all

Not the first time, but shortly afterwards when we realised that we were going to be together properly. I loved our sex life - there were things I would have tweaked (bad choice of words?! ) but he seemed very respectful in the BDSM role.

It was more I think that the BDSM was creeping out of sex and into our home life. Definitely in the form of control - I literally gave up my job because he wanted me to spend all my time with him. He used to say I was his and so he got to chose what I looked like. There was certain people he didn’t like me taking to as he would say it reflected on him (dads on school run for example) he would choose what I ate. It was all done in a very loving way, but I felt I was disappearing and I didn’t know how to keep him happy any more.

He’s a good man, who’s very well thought of, but very wealthy and in the public eye so used to getting his own way. I don’t know if it’s my fault for just not being ballsier and stopping him before we ended up so far down this path. I think I made him the way he was, to a degree, or certainly enabled it.

Of course it's not OK. DP and I are in a BDSM relationship and there's no way would he ever hit me like your 'Dom' hit you. No good Dom would.

It's definitely not ok, I mean were hardly a BDSM couple but I don't mind the odd choking during sex, but I don't expect DH to attempt to choke me whilst I'm peeling the potatoes for Sunday dinner...

I think I made him the way he was, to a degree, or certainly enabled it
Fuck that shit.
This is a slippery slope onto "I made him hit me".

He's probably been a cunt to his former partners too, his ex didn't say directly but it's obviously in his nature to be a cunt.

You're into BDSM, it's easy to find decent Doms. I got one. Really I'm the one in control, as a "sub".