Is it ever okay to hit your partner? BDSM related.

[Catscratchclub]

I have posted many times over the last 6 months about my break up from my ex. I really am sorry to keep asking questions from you lot - I’ve had some counselling but am still processing things and trying to work out where my boundaries SHOULD be.

Ex and I had a BDSM sex life - I asked on 2 occasions for him to tone it down, but generally, I liked our sex life at the time. That said - now we are apart and with counselling, I can see it was probably very abusive and damaging.

So, given the above and that he had “permission” to hit / hurt me during sex, is it ever okay that that happened outside the bedroom?

First occasion we were in a bar and he slapped me in front of friends when he was drunk. He can’t remember this but says it was probably him attempting foreplay.

Next 2 times were when we were just randomly watching tv and then chatting in the kitchen. I cried out the first time he slapped me when we were watching tv, and he said “oh, so you only like it when your turned on?” And the time in the kitchen I don’t think I really responded at all. I remember saying “Don’t” but there was no discussion or fuss.

I wasn’t scared of him on these occasions, more caught off guard and unnerved (there was another incident where I was frightened but he wasn’t violent then) and he was so calm and considered that I don’t know if it was wrong?

We generally had a very loving, but dysfunctional and toxic relationship. He’s angry at me for viewing these occasions as wrong and says I’m out to get him and twist things.

I’m confused - I don’t know where my boundaries SHOULD be, I don’t know how I should view these incidents? It’s bothering me and I don’t know why.

Were you into BDSM before him?

Coach that made me laugh

Thank you everyone - having you all confirm it to me has really helped me. I felt like I was starting to go mad, it’s hard when you are in the middle of things to view it objectively. Thank you

Fwiw, I reckon if you asked this on Fet you'd get the same answers too.

On a side tangent, what did your friends say or do when he hit you in public?

pissed I had dabbled, but nothing like to the degree I did with him. I enjoyed it very much, which is why I’m wary of turning it on him completely.

Dpwm I get what you mean - his ex wife divorced him against his wishes, I’m friendly with her and we have looked out for each other in the past. She is mother of his kids though and we are both wary about having conversations about him I think. She’s an incredibly strong and forceful woman - I can’t imagjne her putting up worh half the stuff I did. That said, everyone thinks I’m strong and ballsy too, I guess you never know do you?

Opies I did consider that - it’s hard separating the BDSM from it in this situation because that’s what he says it is, and can’t see anything wrong in his actions. He’s so angry with me now when I said he was out of order for it.

Snipsnip everyone was very drunk - I told them it was a sex thing and they never mentioned it afterwards. One friend asked if I was okay, and I very much made light of it. She’s been amazing since we split up and very much a champion for him being an abusive knob and me deserving better. That’s not based on that incident though, more an over all picture.

Against his wishes is an interesting phrase and I guess the one he used. It sums he up I think

It probably also caused a lot of the control and abuse that happened to you outside of the bedroom he tried to override you so you wouldn’t go against his wishes

Have you tried the freedom programme. boundaries

I reckon 50 shades of shite has a lot to answer for. It's made every abusive psycho fuckmuppet believe they're really a Dom and that's dangerous for every sub out there. I'm really glad you've been able to see him for what he is, Catscratch.

Boundaries should be where YOU place them to be. It’s clear in every area of your life he overrode them under the guise of loving you and wanting the best for you as a couplr

OP I have a friend who used to teach BDSM about 20 years ago. He has lots of great stories! Anyway, he's very clear that the person who is really in control is the sub. Unless it's abuse, the Dom controls, but within boundaries ultimately set by the sub.

Ou know how abusive men never start out that way? They're always so nice. Then it starts, slowly, at first. Well, rather than the BDSM moving out of the bedroom and that being in any way your fault, the BDSM was his charm. It didn't move out of the bedroom, he started to abuse you. And like every woman (person probably) who has been abused, you feel you did something wrong. You didn't. You couldn't have. He would have abused you one way or another and made you believe you caused it to happen.

Don't see this man again. If he turns up in a coffee shop you're in, leave.

Just wanted to say thank you again - your responses have genuinely helped and I woke up this morning feeling much clearer about things.

Soaring your distinction about BDSM being his charm and that it wasn’t that moving out the bedroom, but actually just the start of, separate, shitty behaviour was SO useful, and really helped clarify things for me. It’s helped me to separate the 2 things in my mind.

I’ve looked at the freedom programme and will sign up when I have a bit of extra cash. I want to future proof myself going forward - I thought at the start of this relationship that I had had so much psychotherapy that I was in a healthy / strong place. This relationship has shown me I still have a lot of work to do on myself!

Genuinely, thank you all. Your responses have all made a big difference

The freedom program is free OP. You can do it through your local Women’s Aid or there’s an online version too. I’d look into it ASAP. I did it after I left my ex and it was invaluable.

Oh! Am I looking at the right freedom programme? I would feel bad doing it through women’s aid - I’m not in immediate danger or anything. I’m glad you found it useful though, I feel like I need something to reaffirm things for me. I have missed him today and it pisses me off. I don’t seem able to see / feel the way about him others do.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Is this the right freedom programme?

The absolute core of BDSM is ongoing consent, negotiation and respecting limits (Safe, sane, consensual). Smacking you about outside of play isn't that.