Partner has left me & kids - no contact.

[Hope310]

Hi im new here & at my wits end.

My partner of over 12 years has just left me and the kids and refusing to answer the phone or communicate at all. He does have some mental illness & depression which is currently being looked into. His mum also has serious mental health issues and has tried to commit suicide many times over the last 6 years and I have watched him deteriorate every time she does it. His family stay in another city about an hour away & it seems every time theres a trauma in the last year he runs back to stay there and even last year went 6 months without contacting us much either. He did say he felt isolated sometimes but he had did that to himself pushing friends away etc and I encouraged him to join local mens anxietty groups etc to help but he hadn't been yet. He came back properly in January and was looking for a job, things seemed to be going well, helping with the kids etc then last week, he gets the call his mum had tried again and he left upset to go visit and help his nana out (who he always seems to put before his kids as he says is old and has no one there) Over the next two days there was no contact at all and I worried. We spoke briefly and he seemed ok but started to say he wanted to stay there as he had more people, job offers etc. The next day we chatted & I asked could he come back to take the kids as I was working that night and he said yes. He didn't show and we couldn't contact him for a further 4 days almost. I was really struggling to process and deal with everything. He texted briefly to say he had a job there and was starting Monday and didn't want to talk to me on the phone as id "want to talk forever" and argue. I replied it was the least he could do to actually let me know what was going on as he has literally up and left and no reason for it. I think it may be mental health related in some way but not all. My hearts breaking for the kids and I hate myself for letting him back in after last time and hes doing this again. I thought about driving there and confronting him but then the kids would be there too so I haven't. I feel the anger and hurt he must be feeling towards his mum is being taken out on me as its a pattern that happens every time she isn't keeping good. Really don't know what to do. :-(

This must be so incredibly hard for you to cope with. Have you got someone else to look after the children while you work? If not, it might be worth talking to your Gap and seeing if you can get signed off for a week or two while you get sorted.

Can I ask if you are married and are the children his?

Hi thanks for your reply.

No not married and yes the kids are his. I am self employed so no work and being only provider atm means no money but I managed to get today and yesterday freed up and took it off.

Have spoken to his gran who he is currently living with today over text but she is no use to be honest, said she didn’t realise he hadn’t been in touch, the job has fell through and that he just doesn’t want to talk but do we want to visit them at the weekend! The family don’t think or act as most of us would is all I can describe them as so they are very little help in this and kinda just leave him to it. He actually text yesterday once but only said he was off to see the boss of this new job and I’ve not heard since despite a few attempts from me to contact again. I’ve given up today And have decided not to chase at all and focus on myself and kids for now. It’s all I can do I was driving myself crazy. Last time he did this it was months

I’ve given up today And have decided not to chase at all and focus on myself and kids for now. It’s all I can do I was driving myself crazy. Last time he did this it was months.

I think you all you can do is to concentrate on you and the children.

Are you prepared to take him back again, knowing it could be months and it could happen again?

I'd give yourself a few days of not trying to contact him. Could you manage 3 days and then see if you want to send him one text or leave it another 3 days and see how you feel?

Can you plan something nice to do with the children this weekend too? Maybe picture or bowling or even a film at home and popcorn all snuggled up together?

If you are thinking of splitting up, I'd look at getting a child arrangement order in place. If you're on a low income, you should get help with the Court Fee.

Is the home yours or are you renting?

There’s also been lots of things happen over the last 2 years on top like stealing from my family (he’s never stolen before), broken things in my house when he was angry (children were not in) leaving for months last time and it always seems to happen after a trauma which as I say has been getting worse as he isn’t coping. He does have the access to mental health services now but isn’t making appts a priority anymore, always puts the way he feels down to where he is rather than him so what do I do and then you think is this all mental health or is he just being horrible too. It’s hard thinking your maybe giving up on someone who needs help.

I’ve had a better couple of days and haven’t felt the urge to message for 2 days now as if he wanted to talk he would. His gran seems to think it’s guilt that’s keeping him away but she can’t understand why either as he is making out to her he misses us, is there trying to get on his feet etc. Who knows. It’s just crazy how you can go visit your mum in hospital and then just disappear from your own kids and everything.

I do rent yes but my income isn’t really low.

My kids are constant with clubs & activities which has been hard myself to juggle with full time work but they have competitions this weekend which will keep me busy so that’s good.

Just not sure where to go from here with everything but not feeling in the same place as when I posted the first message.

Hi OP,

Welcome to Mumsnet. We're so very sorry to hear of what you're going through right now. We're going to move your thread over to our relationships topic as we're sure you'll get lots more advice and support over there.

Please do let us know if there's anything else we can do.

OP, please, please, please let him go. The way he is enmeshed with his family, and their mental health is intertwined with his, is how it will be for your DC if you keep him around them.

Clearly you love him, but he is not good for you, and definitely not good for your DC. Break this cycle. Let your DC have a happy childhood free from this mental anguish.

Oh dear, this sounds like such an awful situation.

Whilst you clearly love him and care for him, I think it's wise to make plans as if he's not going to be around, at least for now. Put yourself and your children first. It looks like you are in a reasonably good place financially and not dependent on him? Are you able to manage the child care without him?

I would probably message him to say that he is not to call at the house without advance notice and that you are seriously considering ending your relationship. You will be in touch in a few days/weeks to discuss. If you are constantly waiting for him to get in touch or to turn up back at home I think that will stop you from being able to put your and the kids first and see how life is without him.

Good luck x

Thanks a lot for your messages ladies. I think I’ve done a lot of my ‘grieveing’ over the last year and a half and in that time even though he has been back and forth, I have slowly adjusted our lives so that I no longer rely on him just in case as I can be flexible with work to a point. He hasn’t worked for almost two years so hasn’t provided for this long for the children no. Between me and his gran he has lived off us both.

we live far enough away from his family that the kids are unaware of any issues there with them which is partly why we stay further away too although obviously they have seen him on days where he is grumpy/tired. When he leaves the kids seem ok as I do everything for them myself anyway and their routines/care etc stays exactly the same so they seem fine at the moment & when he used to work he worked away a lot too.

He wouldn’t just turn up, his actions would more likely be to stay away so as not to deal with anything as he did previously until I was contacting him. He runs from his problems rather than dealing with them. I just can’t get my head round how someone can literally up and leave people he says he loves and cares for for no reason and initially had blamed me but it’s an excuse as nothing happened, no arguements etc. But then anytime hard/bad things happen with his mum it usually gets taken out on me so maybe that’s why, putting me through this to make himself feel better. crazy how he can talk and act normally to people in another city but hiding away from his own kids. Never seen such a change in someone as his kids used to be his absoloute world.

I know you said that he won't just turn up, but I think that Notcool has sone really good advice. I would seriously text him to say that he's not turn up without checking with you first. If it was me, I'd think about changing the locks so that you know he can't just walk in. Whatever you decide, you need time to think away from him.

I also think that you need to stop making excuses for his behaviour. Anxiety and depression are awful but they are not an excuse to treat you badly and behave like this. If he won't seek help for himself, he's not going to change either.

If you're working and he's sponging from you and his Nan, can he access your money now? That's something you need to stop and quickly.

Yes I think the same, for a long time I’ve been guessing is it mental health but starting to see it for what it is and he can be nice to everyone else and put it on when he wants to so I agree.

No, I have never given him access to money for over a year but when he was here, I was buying food, paying for the stuff he used in the house etc as previously when I did give him money if he said he needed diesel etc he would maybe only use half the money and take the other half for something else he wanted. I know he does it to his nan too with things & they know but they don’t say as to not upset him whereas I would confront him. He had gambling issues for a while which was why he stole from my family so that’s a no no for me to give him cash.

I’m happy to have the time away from him and I’m finding I’m a lot less anxious and the house is more relaxed. Starting to feel stupid for taking so much hurt for so long and putting up with it.