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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help found out about my partner cheating :(

34 replies

Loz123456 · 10/03/2019 15:12

Hi all, so I'll keep the story short.
Basically I recieved a massage on fb three days ago out the blue saying my partner had cheated on me a few years ago(we have been together 8 yrs), I don't have clue who sent this message but anyway. That night he got in from work I confronted him about it and at first he said "no thats not true" but then slightly admitted it to me saying it was a mistake and the he wished he never did. I didn't go mad at him or anything, if anything I was in so much shock. I didn't know what to do or say.

So today I decided to message the girl he slept with (I coulnt get it off my mind) and I asked her for her side of things. My partner doesn't know I've spoke to her yet am gonna confront him about it when he get In later.

So she told me this.... me and him was seeing each other for abit a slept with him yea we all kept it quite.
I asked how many times they had sex and if they used protection and she told that they had sex more than once and never used protection and that she lost a baby 4 a half months later after having sex with him but she didnt say anyhing cause she didnt know if it was my partners or her ex partners,, she also told me that he was considering leaving me but didnt now to end it with me, so she broke it of with him and moved away. I didnt have clue about any of this until three days ago.

Theres more to the story but it so long, I just need some advice, am so stuck, i don't know what to do, who to believe or anything I just don't to be taken for a mug, I have a 1 yr old child with him and don't want my daughter to grow up thinking this is how a relationship works. my head is so stuck,, pleasee someone offer some good advise,
Thanka for reading this too 😊

OP posts:
ColeHawlins · 10/03/2019 15:16

I'd believe her. The sex is confirmed by both of them anyway.

He's got a lot to gain by minimising it. Also, the fact that he initially denied it mans you know he was trying to limit the damage.

Take it easy while you're still in shock.

1moreRep · 10/03/2019 15:21

take a deep breath. if your daughter when she is older wereto come to you and ask you this advice, what would you say?

you deserve so much better than someone who would treat you this poorly

1moreRep · 10/03/2019 15:21

so advice, rep this to yourself and get a plan to leave : end the relationship

Original poster
Loz123456 · 10/03/2019 15:31

I think what am gonna do, is when he gets tonight am gonna let him the read the messages and see what his reaction is and tell him to tell me truth and give an ultimatum, when I asked him about it at first he swore down on my dd life that it was just once, am just so scared that it could be true what she is saying to me

OP posts:
ColeHawlins · 10/03/2019 15:32

You already know that he's cheated on you and lied to you.

ConfCall · 10/03/2019 15:42

He may well lie to you tonight OP. He has had time to get his story straight in the event that you find out.

Original poster
Loz123456 · 10/03/2019 16:02

I have been with since I was 13 yrs old am now 21 yrs old I feel like my teenage life has been wasted, I suppose am just gonna have to be brave. Would it make me selfish or a bad person if I couldn't past this 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
Loz123456 · 10/03/2019 16:03

If I couldn't get past this

OP posts:
ColeHawlins · 10/03/2019 16:05

Would it make me selfish or a bad person if I couldn't past this 🤔

It would make you very wise and strong.

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/03/2019 16:09

I do t k ow why’s it matters if he slept with her once or ten times. He still cheated on you.
I found messages between my husband and another woman and without any proof of anything physical I packed his bags because the trust was gone in that instant. I’m also not stupid and don’t doubt for a second that it was physical.

I’m not saying that’s what everyone should do but if he hasn’t done it again since then I would be very surprised if he didn’t in the future as he’s already shown he is capable.

It sounds like you got together every young op. That’s not an excuse for cheating on you but 24 is very young to know you want to spend the rest of your life with one person.

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/03/2019 16:10

Sorry, very young and 13, not 24! Fat fingers!

ConfCall · 10/03/2019 17:17

I think it's rare for a relationship that started at 13 to last the distance OP. I know a few middle-aged couples who met at 16/17, and a few more who met in the first year of university at 18/19, but 13 seems really young.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2019 17:29

13 is really no age to start a relationship. We changed so much ad we grow and you were just a child.

That's no excuse of course.

What are you expecting your ultimatum to achieve?

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/03/2019 17:45

The other person has already told you the truth, she has no reason to lie does she?

I'm not sure what else there is to ask him, get STD tested ASAP.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 10/03/2019 17:52

She has nothing to gain from lying. He has nothing to gain from telling the truth. I'm not sure an ultimatum will change anything; you're already thinking of ending it, and if your gut tells you you can't trust him, you need to listen to that.

Don't see it as a waste of your teen years, see it as a relationship that's come to an end and part of your story. And, without wanting to sound patronising, you're still so young to be worrying about wasting your time; you have an eternity to find out who you are and where you'd like to go next.

ahtellthee · 10/03/2019 18:04

I repeat the PP who said how would you feel if your DD told you this was happening to her?

He has disrespected you, cheated, lied and is now minimizing.

You and your DD deserve better.

Original poster
Loz123456 · 10/03/2019 19:01

he's back home now am gonna wait till my dd is in bed to talk to him, I don't know wether to show him the messages or ask him questions,
He tells me loves so much and he couldn't live with out me, but I just feel if that was true how you could keep a secret like that from me for years, if he really loved he would have took that risk and told me years ago

OP posts:
PetsFactor · 10/03/2019 19:34

this girl has nothing to loose or gain by telling you this now. He’s admitted it already, so listen!

Original poster
Loz123456 · 13/03/2019 07:03

That is true, I confronted him about it on Sunday and he said that she was lying and that she made it all up, I know she has mental health problems, I just don't understand how someone can make up a massive lie like that in the space of few minutes.
Everytime I asked her question she replayed with long messages 3-4 mins later. I just don't know, I told him that i believed him, but for reason I have a feeling in gut am being mugged off.
I don't like doing it and am not proud but I did check his messages and social media for anything but there was nothing. Evan if he is telling the truth am not sure what we have is enough anymore, I feel like to much has happened now.

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 13/03/2019 07:18

Let me put it this way, what would she gain from lying to you? Nothing.
What would he gain? Everything. He gets to keep his cushy life.

Yes, you're being mugged off.

Mrsmummy90 · 13/03/2019 07:18

Please please go with your gut xx

Isth · 13/03/2019 07:25

I know you don’t want to believe it, but he’s already told you he’s cheated. What more is there to say?

needthisthread · 13/03/2019 07:27

I would wonder what triggered someone to tell you this years after it happened and was over.

SMW3103 · 13/03/2019 13:57

@needthisthread - Exactly! Definitely more to this than meets the eye. Either it is the original OW causing trouble down the line out of spite, or to my cynical brain, there is a new OW who is (foolishly) hoping to have him all to herself via causing a breakup. I would bet my last hob nob that there's a new woman on the scene... Sorry OP, I hope you find the strength to leave him. I was with me ExH from age 14-26, two DC and leaving him was the best thing I've ever done.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/03/2019 14:01

see what his reaction is and tell him to tell me truth and give an ultimatum

What ultimatum are you planning on making? And more importantly, WHY?

He's a cheating, lying shitbag. Just boot him out.

You're so young you've got plenty of time to find someone who deserves you.