Get over my toxic relationship

[lilisabeth]

Hi, I need a bit of help here or some advise..
Recently I moved with my now fiancé, he is fantastic outside home but I’ve been noticing things like really bother me. He is on guar when he is at home , you can feel how tense he is ( he has a clear OCD problem) , he tries to please me to extremes but I am starting to feel claustrophobic .. also he is constantly ill and demanding my attention to monitor him etc. I could sound horrible but I’m not ready for this , all of a sudden I don’t feel myself anymore.. I don’t like him with this obsessions, he is building a great extension just for me for our future. I know he is trying hard, but I’m missing the spontaneity.. I asked him to be a bit more spontaneous but all it came with was he doesn’t deserve it or even one day that I was joking just out of the shower, he felt attackes when I just said : uuuhhh, someone else would have been happy to see a lady like me in front of you like now. He went mental: he yelled at me, I’m not a f* guy like the ones you went out before ..it’s was out of control just for a joke but hey.
I’m not helping much because I can’t explain why I loves him for 7 months , he was the man of my dreams and now is all about being ill, getting depressed at work and talk about tiles. I am not sure if it’s me, that’s what he says, but I think he needs to check that problems and his low mood.
We reached a point when he left on Friday because he didn’t want to hug me with his suit on and I was upset, he left and send me a voice note saying that I ruined his morning , I gave him migraine amd he had to leave due to my mood... I don’t know how to get it right! I don’t feel myself and I’m losing all my energy. Deep down I know this is not for me for rest of my life...

‘Deep down I know this is not for me for rest of my life...’

You know the answer OP. Do it as kindly and swiftly as possible, and don’t give him a chance to change your mind and bring you back round. He will beg and assure you he’ll change but he won’t. You said it yourself, you don’t want a lifetime of this.

Holy shit, he sounds like an absolute twatbike! Get rid as soon as you can

I’m sure it also my fault, I really snapping constantly but I think it is just because I feel claustrophobic and I don’t fit .. he is nice and gentle sometimes but he freaks out if I don’t put the oven correctly or if ignore home after a 15’ talk regarding tiles( that I find extremely boring) I told him that I’m happy to delegate that on him because he seems more concerned about details but his newer was : ok, if you don’t have time for this I won’t have time for you on the weekends . So he really makes me doubt about being a good girlfriend, I don’t listen apparently to him... but he is trying to punish me when is upset and I am not sure that is my fault.

Please take our word for it.

Get out now.

It is not your fault. Anyone would react as you do, in the same situation.

Don’t second guess yourself. He is dragging you down and making you miserable. This is supposed to be a fun and exciting time. He is only going to get worse.

If it helps, write down some of the other negative things he has done and how they make you feel. Sometimes when written down we realise if it was our friend we’d tell them to run and not look back.

He is not letting me go..
I talked to him yesterday regarding our difficulties and how I can’t cope with this anymore, somehow he is manipulating me to feel that is me, the fiancée that modesty try harder, that doesn’t listen to him, that doesn’t appreciate this beautiful house.

I’m planning to leave for a couple of days because is too much for me take perspective, I’ve got the feeling that is going to end up really bad and I don’t want that, I need him to understand.

You won't be able to make him understand, so don't bother. This relationship is a non-starter. Just pack your stuff and go.

You say he's "notting letting me go". Your going is not up to him. It's up to you. You retain autonomy. Your life. Your decisions.

If he doesn't understand that, then we are into the realms of possessiveness and control. Do yourself a favour and walk away.

I asked him to be a bit more spontaneous but all it came with was he doesn’t deserve it or even one day that I was joking just out of the shower, he felt attackes when I just said : uuuhhh, someone else would have been happy to see a lady like me in front of you like now.

I don’t really understand this.

He said for example that he didn’t have a good at work and didn’t deleiver so he think he doesn’t deserve to have sex.
I was trying to explain how I’m trying to create some spontaneous moments and how I was joking about him not even looking at me and how he flipped.
Nothing important now I guess

I think what is happening is that his abuse, and it isabuse, has gnawed away at your sense of self for so long, that he now has that capacity to create doubt in you; I suspect the ‘old you’, the stronger person you were before you met him and were worn down by him, would be able to leave this situation without a second thought. He sounds very whingey and manipulative; absolutely sucks the joy out of everything. As I say he will only get worse. I reckon you need at least a good couple of weeks without him, by yourself in your own space, and you will grow relaxed and happy to not have his anger and whining to deal with; then you will feel stronger and able to foresee just how ugly and compromised your future with him will be, and feel able to make the strong decision to leave him (or throw him out), and look forward to meeting someone who brings you joy, and who you look forward to life with.

Keep posting; don’t worry if you feel weak or have doubts, we are here to support you and talk through it day or night.

Also you commented that

‘I need him to understand’

I know it feels like it would help but he doesn’t understand, and never will; either that, or he does understand, and doesn’t care for you enough to make the effort to improve his behaviour. If he did understand, he would have stopped behaving so badly the very first time you pointed it out to him.

Also: ending a relationship doesn’t require the agreement of both parties. If you want to end it, you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone; you don’t even need a tangible reason. You don’t want to be in the relationship any more, so you don’t have to be. You have explained your reasons to him, he is owed no more.

I dated someone last year and it all started out really well, but after a while I noticed that with any disagreement where he didn't get his way, shortly afterwards he would start to have a health issue that seemed to need huge amounts of sympathy and attention. It sounds as though your fiance may be doing the same. This is a manipulative tactic and one of many it sounds as though your boyfriend is using.

All this hot and cold stuff that he is doing gets you off balance, because you don't know what is going on and that's exactly how he wants it. He is also trying to blame you for his behaviour, saying that you gave him a migraine. Please believe this is not true.

You don't need him to let you go, you are free to go. You do not have to be in a relationship, you are a free person and you can call an end to it. If you are feeling pressurised to remain, that is a bad sign.

Keep posting here - there is so much good support to be had.

Big hug to you. These things are hard, but you can do it.

I think I need to take some therapy because I can’t cope with this.. I left this morning for a couple of days - he is calling snd messaging me like crazy and manipulating everything I say. Now he is in hospital and is asking me to come ..but I can’t, I don’t want to , I feel is another of his manipulations.

Do not go to the hospital. He sounds as though he desperately needs help.
You cannot be that help. He has to get his own help.
Well done for getting away. Can someone collect your things from the house for you?

lilisabeth has he said why he is in hospital? Is he just sitting in the waiting room at A&E or has he been admitted?

You are not obliged to do anything. If you need to, you can temporarily (or permanently) block him on your phone to get a break. Tell him you feel really unwell yourself and you would be no help to him, so you will be staying away.

I think he knows you are on the edge of pulling away for good and this is a desperate attempt to try and get control back. Stay strong and don't let him. Take some time and really think about what you want to do away from him. If necessary give your phone to someone else to look after for a while.

I can’t explain why I loves him for 7 months

You were infatuated with him for 4-6 months, that's normal.

Now you've seen the real him and you realise you're not suited.

Where have you been staying the past couple of days? Can you stay there a bit longer? If so, go home and get your shit because it doesn't sound like he'll be amicable in a break up.

He has been in hospital before, I’m pretty sure is psicosomatic.. he said: I’m alone . Breaks my heart but I feel sick of all this and I’m not going
I hardly eat and sleep and don’t know where I’m standing.
I’m in safe place with friends .. I need to finish this swiftly to go back to my life if I can.

I forgot to mention that his last ex ( according to him) another bitch left him when he was at hospital .... same story hey?

It is usually a red flag when men refer to their ex as a bitch or any other really negative term.

Glad you are in a safe place and with friends.

Don’t feel guilty re the hospital. That is very odd. If you want to leave the relationship you have the right to.

I had a conversation ( not really) it was more through texts with him, he said I abandoned him... I feel an awful person.
Anyway I said to him I want to leave I’m going to take all my stuff this week and leave, he said I’m not authorised to use my key to get into his house if he is not in, and second that I’m not allowed to pick up my stuff unless we have a conversation on the phone. So I called him: he just wants me to say that everything that happened, the bad mood, the snapping was my fault, that I didn’t do anything for us, that I was shallow, that he even didn’t like my body anymore. I hung up.
I blocked him
I’m devastated

Oh he is disgusting. You are well rid of this utter waste of space. He did not mean that about your body, I can guarantee that; he was just trying to say the most hurtful thing he could think of. He is an idiot and has lost you because he cannot control his behaviour and be a normal, loving, fun, supportive partner. Everything that is happening is his fault and deep down he knows it.

I don’t know if you are in the U.K., but he CANNOT hold your belongings hostage to a phone call - he cannot demand anything of you. Have you got your things now? If not, I know it sounds a little drastic but I would text him to say that you are coming at X time to collect your things, you will presume unless you hear back from him that his is a suitable time. You will not engage in dialogue with him, and (tell him) you are bringing the police to ensure all your items are present and undamaged and it will be at the appointed time.

Does that sound appropriate? Or, do you have any larger male friends you can take with you to retrieve your stuff?

He sounds like a coward and a bully, so they normally roll over at the mention of the police.

Hang in there; your life will be so much better once you have completely shedded this dead weight. You are doing brilliantly; and pay no heed to his silly words. As I said I guarantee he is just trying to hurt you and deep down doesn’t think what he said is true in any shape or form.

I picked up my stuff yesterday,my friend was out waiting for me because he wants allowed in. He keep asking why I was doing that? And why? And flipped to say that our relationship was shallow.
I got home and I got messages from him ordering me to come back to pick up or throw the hangers left and clean the fridge from my food!
Of course I’m not coming to do that!

It’s like being with Jekyll and MrHyde.
He seems really sweet and the minute after he is evil.. he said I’m never going to find anyone of his category in my life and a few other gems.
Now I need to believe in myself again

Brilliant that you left him. Don’t ever go back. My word, he sounds proper crazy. Think you’ve had a mega lucky escape there!

Well here is hoping you never meet anyone of his category again!