Get over my toxic relationship

[lilisabeth]

Hi, I need a bit of help here or some advise..
Recently I moved with my now fiancé, he is fantastic outside home but I’ve been noticing things like really bother me. He is on guar when he is at home , you can feel how tense he is ( he has a clear OCD problem) , he tries to please me to extremes but I am starting to feel claustrophobic .. also he is constantly ill and demanding my attention to monitor him etc. I could sound horrible but I’m not ready for this , all of a sudden I don’t feel myself anymore.. I don’t like him with this obsessions, he is building a great extension just for me for our future. I know he is trying hard, but I’m missing the spontaneity.. I asked him to be a bit more spontaneous but all it came with was he doesn’t deserve it or even one day that I was joking just out of the shower, he felt attackes when I just said : uuuhhh, someone else would have been happy to see a lady like me in front of you like now. He went mental: he yelled at me, I’m not a f* guy like the ones you went out before ..it’s was out of control just for a joke but hey.
I’m not helping much because I can’t explain why I loves him for 7 months , he was the man of my dreams and now is all about being ill, getting depressed at work and talk about tiles. I am not sure if it’s me, that’s what he says, but I think he needs to check that problems and his low mood.
We reached a point when he left on Friday because he didn’t want to hug me with his suit on and I was upset, he left and send me a voice note saying that I ruined his morning , I gave him migraine amd he had to leave due to my mood... I don’t know how to get it right! I don’t feel myself and I’m losing all my energy. Deep down I know this is not for me for rest of my life...

You had no idea, he was super well mannered, a gentleman, smart, well spoken, soft talking... everyone loved him, really introvert .. and then he started to get ill and be crazy about his house and made me believe that I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, to commit to him, then he flipped to this person that I couldn’t talk to because I was petrified.
I still feel like I love him, that person from the beginning but the last months were too much

Sorry I didn't mean to make light of the situation. It does sound horrid and I can imagine you are devasted. The change he underwent is really frightening. Its good you got out though, as I don't think staying would have been healthy for either of you. It's really sad and he needs help, but given that he doesn't see that it's a bit hopeless. Stay strong and stay away.

No worriers, I didn’t mean that :-)
Thanks for your support.
I don’t know exactly how to embrace all this hot and cold stuff.

His mental health is making it damaging to be with him. Has he spoken about his issues? If he doesn't see it as a problem there's no way forward. I couldn't live in that situation and I don't like the idea of anyone else having to.

He is not aware of having any issues , he just says that sometimes is too passionate talking. I mention in several occasions that he was too concern about being perfect and obsessive with his house and maybe some counselling would help. Then is when he said that he tried to commit suicide years ago with a very bad break up and went to counselling and he now accepts the way he is like it was only a personality problem. He doesn’t feel like like is agressive and manipulative and controlling, for his is just passion at his heart. We went to couples counselling when I tried to raised that matter that he was draining me with his worries about the house and he stop talking to me for one day so I decided to go back because the consequences were worse.

Well done for getting out.

Now do the Freedom Programme so you don't get into another relationship like this again.

We went to couples counselling when I tried to raised that matter that he was draining me with his worries about the house and he stop talking to me for one day so I decided to go back because the consequences were worse.

It's part of the training, to train you to do what he says otherwise it gets worse.

Well done, you have done the right thing.

Please don’t try to keep in contact with him or just be friends. It won’t work, he will try to suck you in again.

He doesn’t feel like like is agressive and manipulative and controlling,

It's not for him to decide if his behaviour is any of those things. He doesn't sound like he is at all interested in changing.

I can't help but be reminded of my Dad. Clearly has OCD about 'stuff'. You can imagine how odd my childhood was! It has been mentioned how strange our childhood was in certain ways but unfortunately he is almost devoid of any self awareness. It's like he can't imagine behaving any differently. He's exhausting to be around.

Now that he is bed bound he is folding and adjusting everything within reach all the time and getting me to adjust things he can see but can't reach like the clock, bit of fluff on the floor. Sadly I think the chances of him ever recognising how his behaviour impacts those around him is slim to none.

I don’t know why but since I left I keep having nightmares and dreams about the good times ... I am not tho king about going back specially when there was no apology , he asked me for the ring and returned it in person but I can’t face him because he is going to be back to blame me all the time. I really wish there was a different outcome but it is really hard for me to talk to him without being hurt .. he was an incredible man when I met him, caring, passionate, cheeky, fun, loving and the all this illness and obsessions and aggressivity when we disagree about something, I don’t know how to reconcile it.