Full of Red Flags but am I getting roped back in?

[Ziziou88]

Met a guy, he had lots of similarities to my ex (who I was in an abusive relationship with for over 8 years) I could see red flags from the start (thanks to this forum) & I ended it but I have been really missing him and he’s been in touch asking for another chance and I fear I will get roped back in. Someone make me see sense, I know he’s not a good guy but why am I missing him so much and can’t get him out of my mind?!

Below are some of his red flags

1. met him through OLD and he wanted to meet straight away (after two days) I told him I’d prefer to speak to him a bit more on the phone before meeting him but he wouldn’t take no for an answer and kept on saying he doesn’t like wasting time talking to women if he’s not attracted to them and that he only knows if he’s attracted to someone after meeting them.

2. after meeting him he became a bit obsessive - he told me he’d felt a really strong connection with me and that he wants to move things on. He seemed very persistent

3. we had arranged to meet again that same week but on the weekend but he decided to come earlier on during the week. He made an excuse saying he had a job in my area (he would be driving far to come) and insisted I meet him on this day. I wasn’t sure about meeting him so again I said I don’t think it’s a good idea to which he kept on saying I’m hot & Cold but came anyway! Just to be clear, nothing psychical happened on these meetings (id made it clear to him i was meeting him to get to know him which he seemed to respect)

4. the first time I met him, he was extremely happy, talkative, jolly..the second time he was quiet and a bit withdrawn - he seemed to have stuff on his mind. He opened up midway but when I asked him if he was okay he said he was tired but I just found the two different moods really strange

5. I once told him that I bet he’s the type of guy that changes his moods real quick (I was trying to figure out what was wrong with him on our second meeting) to which he laughed and agreed and said that he can switch his mood up for no reason

6. he would constantly text me morning afternoon evening and then be on the phone to me at night. A couple of times I didn’t text back till morning and he’d be like what was wrong with you? You didn’t text back?

7. I let slip I was in an abusive relationship and he wanted to know EVERYTHING about my ex! He was very very eager to know our issues

8. all his exes were psychos

9. he said I’m too close to my ex (we have an amicable relationship for sake of my kids) and he said if we Get together I’m only allowed to text him not call him

10. we would have debates on certain things and if I disagreed with his opinion he would do everything in his power to make me change my mind. He couldn’t take that I had a mind of my own

11. worryingly, he told me that he had left one of his exes as she became ‘fat’ he talked about her in disgust and told me he couldn’t be intimate with her as he didn’t like her body and so left her I was a bit shocked and was saying that’s not a nice way to speak of an ex but he kept on saying she’d tricked him into having a relationship when he wasn’t attracted to her

There are a few more but I’ll stop there. Someone please make me see sense. I know he’s not worth my time and I have ended things with him but for some strange reason I’m thinking of him a lot and fear that I’ll be roped back in

If a close friend described this man to you and was asking you what you thought, what would you advise?

Ffs woman, you are smart enough to see the red flag bunting yet stupid enough to be even thinking of going back.

Give your head a wobble and delete this man from your life.

Run for the hills

Abusive relationships aren’t all bad otherwise you wouldn’t get involved in the first place.

If I offered you some delicious stew with the promise there was only a tiny bit of dog shit in it, really small, and the rest of the stew is lovely, would you still eat it?

You have stumbled into a red flag factory there, the hills are that way>>>>>

He’s starting the way it always starts, chipping away at your resistance and pushing the boundaries when you draw a line, expecting you to dance to his tune. Just block him if you’re tempted to make contact.

Ziziou I think you know the answer just writing that many red flags. It reads like a textbook on controlling/abusive behaviour on his part.
If he's this controlling and volatile early on then just imagine how it will end up.
Having been in a previously abusive relationship unfortunately makes you a target again and he seems to have honed in on this.
Block him on your phone and move on, please. You're worth much more than this.

I just don’t know what’s going on in my mind. After a few convos with him I told myself that I wouldn’t allow myself to develop feelings for him as he has a lot of red flags (and I didn’t) but now he’s gone I can’t stop thinking of him?! He has been messaging me but I’ve not heard from him a couple of days and that’s when I’ve been thinking of him a lot

Distract yourself from thinking about him, maybe read some of the good resources on the relationships board or look into the freedom programme. Do something you want to do that will make you feel good about yourself, a walk or a hobby, even sorting out some clutter. Anything but thinking of this waste of space man.

Just don't reconnect. He sounds like a living nightmare.

How many more red flags do you need? Seriously. This man is what nightmares are made of and he's letting you know exactly who is he. If you continue you're a fool and are inviting shit into your life.

OP this man is absolutely vile, he's not even trying that hard to hide his abusive tendencies. To be blunt I think you'd have to be absolutely insane to let him back into your life, are you up for a couple of years (or more) of being abused?

If you can't work out for yourself that this has disaster written all over it there's no hope for you.

Oh yeah, OP - he is made of red-flag bunting, but, well, you miss him! Therefore it's a totally good idea for you to get back with him

Just - don't get fat, have a different opinion to him, have your own mind, have your own life, have your own friends....

What could you possibly be missing about him? There are not enough emojis in the world.

You like him because...
Sexual attraction? Your lovely? This feels familiar?
Doesn't matter what, he's shown you well and truly who's under the mask so pay attention. Not all of them are this obvious. But he is like a red flag day parade.

Lonely not lovely, though I am sure you are lovely

I just feel as though I invested a lot of time on him - constantly speaking to him throughout the day to just having no contact surely it’s normal to miss someone who you are so used to speaking to?

I know he is trouble which is why I ended it and when he was texting me (which I ignored) I wasn’t missing him but now that he’s not made an effort all of a sudden I’ve started thinking of him and missing him

yes I think I’m lonely that’s what it is

He will make you feel even lonelier even if you were with him. He’d isolate you from yourself. You know this. Avoid contact, block, distract yourself and stay away from him.

What the heck do you even like about him? Is there even anything to like? He sounds like a moody controlling bully.

He used to make me laugh and despite all his flags we did get on initially. I know I sound like an idiot.. I will try and remove him from my mind!

If you had a daughter, how would you feel if she even entertained dating this specimen?

fFS op, you say you know he’s grooming you and if he’s like that now I’d say you better get the police and women’s aid on speed dial.
A red flag enormous factory.

Fecking block his number.

You seem to be justifying it to yourself by a variety of half cocked reasons....

If you want to go there then go there, but you know what's coming don't you?

OK.Get his number blocked on your phone so he's not popping up in your notifications and upsetting you.

You have already worked out he's an abusive cunt - well done. Seriously. Lots of victims take years and years going from one abuser to another.

You've identified with "lonely" - what can you do to help with that? Volunteering is a great way to feel useful and meet people! I used to volunteer at the local cat shelter once a month and although my own cat used to hate it (possessive bitch) I really enjoyed it, met some lovely people and got a chance to try out skills outside of my comfort zone, like asking for donations aka f2f sales, practical things like painting the woodwork, as well as using my existing skills eg web admin.