Full of Red Flags but am I getting roped back in?

[Ziziou88]

Met a guy, he had lots of similarities to my ex (who I was in an abusive relationship with for over 8 years) I could see red flags from the start (thanks to this forum) & I ended it but I have been really missing him and he’s been in touch asking for another chance and I fear I will get roped back in. Someone make me see sense, I know he’s not a good guy but why am I missing him so much and can’t get him out of my mind?!

Below are some of his red flags

1. met him through OLD and he wanted to meet straight away (after two days) I told him I’d prefer to speak to him a bit more on the phone before meeting him but he wouldn’t take no for an answer and kept on saying he doesn’t like wasting time talking to women if he’s not attracted to them and that he only knows if he’s attracted to someone after meeting them.

2. after meeting him he became a bit obsessive - he told me he’d felt a really strong connection with me and that he wants to move things on. He seemed very persistent

3. we had arranged to meet again that same week but on the weekend but he decided to come earlier on during the week. He made an excuse saying he had a job in my area (he would be driving far to come) and insisted I meet him on this day. I wasn’t sure about meeting him so again I said I don’t think it’s a good idea to which he kept on saying I’m hot & Cold but came anyway! Just to be clear, nothing psychical happened on these meetings (id made it clear to him i was meeting him to get to know him which he seemed to respect)

4. the first time I met him, he was extremely happy, talkative, jolly..the second time he was quiet and a bit withdrawn - he seemed to have stuff on his mind. He opened up midway but when I asked him if he was okay he said he was tired but I just found the two different moods really strange

5. I once told him that I bet he’s the type of guy that changes his moods real quick (I was trying to figure out what was wrong with him on our second meeting) to which he laughed and agreed and said that he can switch his mood up for no reason

6. he would constantly text me morning afternoon evening and then be on the phone to me at night. A couple of times I didn’t text back till morning and he’d be like what was wrong with you? You didn’t text back?

7. I let slip I was in an abusive relationship and he wanted to know EVERYTHING about my ex! He was very very eager to know our issues

8. all his exes were psychos

9. he said I’m too close to my ex (we have an amicable relationship for sake of my kids) and he said if we Get together I’m only allowed to text him not call him

10. we would have debates on certain things and if I disagreed with his opinion he would do everything in his power to make me change my mind. He couldn’t take that I had a mind of my own

11. worryingly, he told me that he had left one of his exes as she became ‘fat’ he talked about her in disgust and told me he couldn’t be intimate with her as he didn’t like her body and so left her I was a bit shocked and was saying that’s not a nice way to speak of an ex but he kept on saying she’d tricked him into having a relationship when he wasn’t attracted to her

There are a few more but I’ll stop there. Someone please make me see sense. I know he’s not worth my time and I have ended things with him but for some strange reason I’m thinking of him a lot and fear that I’ll be roped back in

OP, you would be a complete fool to rekindle this.

Do you want abuse and misery? If so, crack on. If not - block, move on, value yourself.

now that he’s not made an effort all of a sudden I’ve started thinking of him and missing him

You don't have 'feelings' for him. You enjoy the drama and the push pull and the intensity. I'm not saying that to be unkind but just to be honest. Look inside yourself and really honestly think about why you want his attention.
If you have any sense you will block him then delete all your past messages and call history so you can't get in touch again.

The best advice I can give you is to block this dangerous unhinged man and invest your efforts in finding someone who is worth your time and effort.... He is using every trick in the book to make sure you are hooked back in. The longer you can go no contact the easier it will become - have you talked to a close friend about this man!? Sometimes all you need is for someone to hear it from you and to see the look on thier face to make you realise.

Men like this will see your not responding as a challenge and do everything they can to get your attention, its all to feed his ego and satisfy him.

Re read your post back - would you want a friend, sister, neice or daughter dating a man like this....... Then you will have your answer.

Don't settle for less than anything you deserve. This man is not worthy of oxygen (imo - 😂)

X

I have deleted his messages & call history and It’s the fact that he has disappeared which is making me miss him! When I’d told him I didn’t want to progress things previously (twice) he pestered, then this time he called me a couple of times and text and at this point I didn’t feel anything but now the silence is what is making me think of him and miss him!

I know I would be a complete and utter fool to even talk to him again. I just don’t know what I can’t get him out of my head!

There is the loneliness you feel now, and there is the loneliness women who have had to flee domestic violence (their homes, their jobs, and everybody they know, change their number, come off social media, etc.) and/or have lasting C PTSD feel. That's the women who manage to escape, and not the staggering number who end up dead at the hands of these men.
Right now your loneliness feels big and real, and it is. And loneliness is hard. But men like this make it worse never better.

It’s the fact that he has disappeared which is making me miss him!

You miss the attention. Not him.

Block him and move on.

My ex was like this and as much as I knew it was bad, I kept with him. He destroyed me mentally and I became ill. I was accused of having affairs, you name it he did it.

Once I left, I still missed him. But it was the attention and the idea of him that I missed not him as a person.

I do think it’s the attention I am missing rather than him. I think I should keep myself occupied.

Please, please distract yourself, go out, go see a film, leave your phone off, go for a long walk and BLOCK this man. Oh you poor darling, if you get involved your life will be a living nightmare.

JFC imagine someone said to you

“Here’s a fun hobby that will take up your free time and all of the mental bandwith you have, leave you feeling mostly shit about yourself and waste what could be your best years and ultimately leave you without anything you want from life”

would you say you’d be right up for that?

No?

There you have it. Simple as.

fear that I’ll be roped back in

What part of his saying if we Get together I’m only allowed to text him not call the ex, parent of your children or even He couldn’t take that I had a mind of my own or any of your post do you honestly find attractive. Any one of those things you mentioned would entirely put me off someone.

now that he’s not made an effort all of a sudden I’ve started thinking of him and missing him
Ah, your imagination is now filling in the gaps and remembering only the good bits. Distract yourself o something, anything. Take you self off for a walk, turn out a cupboard, anything

Have you had any help after you left your abusive partner? Have you done the freedom programme?

No I haven’t had any help after leaving abusive ex and haven’t done the freedom programme

all of a sudden I’ve started thinking of him and missing him = you have a crush. Think of him as a crush on someone unavailable, unattainable.

I have crushes - they help me sleep, making up a narrative bout me and 'him', whether it's Mr Spock, or David Gandy, or that guy in Tescos. I won't ever act on them, but it's nice to have a little starring role in my own fantasy - but that's all it is, a fantasy.

If you get back with this horrible bloke, you know it'll be nothing like you imagine, or want. Or need. You do not love him; you have a crush.

I won’t be getting back with him but I was just fearful that due to missing him I would start communicating again

But I won’t. I ended things for a reason & he had many more red flags which I haven’t disclosed

It’s funny how the mind works! Whilst I was with him, I didn’t have these feelings but as soon as he has gone I have them!

You’re missing him because he is manipulating the situation, making contact, then withdrawing the attention. Making you wonder why he made contact then disappeared, then you start doubting yourself, thinking that maybe you do really like him after all and maybe you should give it ago, before you know it you are knee deep in another situation. Well done for getting out of an abusive relationship and the fact you can see these red flags is brilliant for you and your kids sake set your boundaries and show them how to be strong and find healthy relationships.

Well done for seeing the red flags and getting out of an abusive situation. It is not easy. Men like this are really good at manipulating you, paying you the kind of attention you feel you need etc. So good on you for breaking it off. Don't go back!

Recommend the freedom programme, I think you'd find it helpful. Maybe it would be good to focus on yourself, family, and friendships for a while, rather than looking for another relationship. Spend time figuring out how to build your boundaries. Good luck, OP

Well done for recognising the red flags, @Ziziou88

Have a look at https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and have a great live, you entirely deserve it

You need some help. Seriously.

You need to understand why on Earth you’d countenance being in contact with this terrible man. You’ve not even proper got together and he’s trying to control you.

Why the fuck haven’t you blocked him?

I’m honestly at a loss.

When an angler hooks a fish, maybe a trout. They tickle it, they play with it. Just like cats do when they corner a mouse. The game can take a long time but the predator reels the prey in, then lets it go for a while. Then they reel it back again. The game and the chase is what interests them.
Please try and find an outside interest to occupy your mind before this fucker reels you back in. You have control over your reaction, please use your control to NOT be reeled back in.
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RED FLAG RED FLAG

You don't need this man in your life!!!! Get him out of your head he sounds like the type of guy that will end up ruining your life.

Don't go back there with him your better than that. You have been in an abusive relationship before you don't need another one.

Good thing comes to those who wait - Your prince charming will come just not this guy lol