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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why can I not get over him?

28 replies

Japanesejazz · 09/03/2019 22:03

Nearly 2 years since I last saw him, we never had a cross word. Broke up because of his adult daughter who told other family members that I had assaulted her. I hadn’t and no one believed her, but I couldn’t take that risk because of my job and the fact that there is only me to provide for my daughters. The right decision but, I think of him every day, first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I miss his voice, his smell, his touch, talking to him about my day and listening about his. I don’t want to do any of my favourite things, go to my favourite places, eat my favourite foods because everything reminds me of him. I have blocked him, but he found a way to contact me this week so feeling back at square one. He is a lovely man, he made me smile every day, we shared the same morals beliefs, sense of humour. I’m not interested in dating anyone else because it wouldn’t be fair. Just thinking if this really wasn’t meant to be, I should be feeling better by now

OP posts:
Jaxinthebox · 09/03/2019 22:04

so why has he contacted you after 2 years of nothing?

MrsTerryPratcett · 09/03/2019 22:06

Problem is it was meant to be. Someone else got in the way, that's why it's tough. But if you genuinely want to get over him, there can't be any contact.

Frecklesonmyarm · 09/03/2019 22:08

Why did he get in contact?

How old is his daughter? If she is an adult, cant you be with him and not have contact with her?

Not ideal, i know.

Original poster
Japanesejazz · 09/03/2019 22:10

I blocked him in September, we were messaging until then.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 09/03/2019 22:14

You keep getting reinfected. Either it's over or it's not. Pick one.

Original poster
Japanesejazz · 09/03/2019 22:15

Asking how I am. He is a worrier. His daughter is an adult we did try the him only coming to my house so I wasn’t in contact with her. It didn’t work, a particular highlight being when she set the house on fire, obviously he had to go to her.

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 09/03/2019 22:18

You aren't over him because no-one else has taken his place. Get out more - day and night. Let other lovely men see you. Keep busy and block him again.

I'm not underestimating how difficult it is. I know from experience. But it can be done.

Frecklesonmyarm · 09/03/2019 22:20

Why is she still living with him? he just had a go at her when she set fire to his house?

Why has no one called the police when she is accusing you of assault and setting fire to the house?

Original poster
Japanesejazz · 09/03/2019 22:39

Because she is troubled and was on the point of being sectioned. I really cannot have people like her anywhere near my life. It doesn’t stop me loving her father though. I’m working 50 hours a week and trying to fill every minute of my spare time

OP posts:
Frecklesonmyarm · 09/03/2019 22:42

If she is setting fire to the house, he should have called someone and had her sectioned. What of it had got out of hand? Burnt the house down or killed someone?

Why didn't he call someone? Having a go isn't going to help.

Where is her mother and who is involved with her care.

If you really cant be together you need to tell him to stop contacting you. If he actually does care about you, he will.

Original poster
Japanesejazz · 09/03/2019 22:56

I’m guessing you can see why I don’t want her in my life. Her mum has not given up on her but she was made to leave her mums house because she kept hitting her mum and her sister, the police were involved. I would never have given an ultimatum of its her or me, but ultimately I have to take care of me. Be easier to get over him if anything had been wrong between us

OP posts:
blanketyblankest · 09/03/2019 23:18

I don't see why you're cutting him off then OP?

He has a daughter who has some pretty serious mental health problems that they are all trying to deal with. It's not his fault, Christ, it's not the daughters fault either. If you love him and he does you, then you find a way to make it work safely, and you toughen up a little.

If you can't, then you need to move on, as it's not fair on him either.

Frecklesonmyarm · 09/03/2019 23:33

But it sounds like he is part of her problems.

Having a go when someone tries to burn your house down, isn't enough.

Not saying he should choose. But this girl isn't being helped. He isn't stepping up. That's why you arent together.

What agencies are helping her.

CatAndHisKit · 10/03/2019 00:15

he didn't 'have a go' - OP said he had to go TO her when he tried to visit OP's house!

Frecklesonmyarm · 10/03/2019 00:29

Ah sorry you are right.

But what did he actually do?

She needs help. Or maybe she is just very manipulative and did it because he was with op. Either way she needs help.

This isn't just down to the daughter. This is down to him as well.

CatAndHisKit · 10/03/2019 00:41

yep agree with that - she needs medical help otherwise she'll be trapped in her behaviour forever and her father will be too (as a carer of sorts). A horrible co-dependent set up.

SapphireFire · 10/03/2019 00:46

This is so sad. Just be with him, OP. You only have one life and sacrificing proper happiness is no way to live it. Make adjustments however you need to but honestly - grab this relationship with both hands.

Frecklesonmyarm · 10/03/2019 00:55

A horrible co-dependent set up.

I dint think this man is as nice as OP thinks. He wont deal with his daughters behaviour. After the fire, she should have been sectioned. Not nearly sectioned. For her own sake as much as others safety.

He cant have a relationship because of his daughters mental health, but keeps finding ways to pop in ops life. He cant go to her house or see her, incase the daughter sets fire to the house. The OP cant go to his house.

If he loved her and accepted they cant be together, he would respect her wishes (which she expressed when she blocked him) and not contact her and let her move on.

I find it suspect that he leaves it for a while they pops up, acting all concerned.

MrsTerryPratcett · 10/03/2019 01:20

I dint think this man is as nice as OP thinks.

Nor me. I think he's keeping her on a long lead.

Original poster
Japanesejazz · 10/03/2019 09:33

I wouldn’t go back, but I would like to feel better

OP posts:
CatAndHisKit · 10/03/2019 13:42

throw yourself into smth physically challenging? Yoga or maybe running/swimming? It does help shift the repetitive emotions. If not, you could try therapy. I know it's tough , I'm not one for moving on quickly either!

Musti · 10/03/2019 14:17

I can see how you can't risk him being in your life, she may cause you or your children harm! But she needs sectioned.

Needsomebottle · 10/03/2019 21:50

If you were in contact until September, you've really only been trying to move on since then. I'm not having a go, I'm just saying be kinder to yourself. You weren't going to get over him when nothing had been wrong between you and you were still in touch, keeping that wound open. If you really want to move on, block this most recent contact. You're five months in to moving on. You can carry on and it will get easier.

sofato5miles · 10/03/2019 22:03

I cannot see how avoiding getting his daughter sectioned is a positive? Surely, that is what needed to happen?

2019willbegreat · 10/03/2019 22:23

OP have you posted this before? I'm sure I've read it before. It's not going to work. If you and he are destined to be together (Not that I believe that shit) you can be apart for months/years and then end up together. Stop responding to him and move on with your life.