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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what to do :(

30 replies

Cam90 · 09/03/2019 17:58

Hi,

I am a single guy of nearly 38, so sorry if anyone gets offended by me posting here I am just feeling pretty crappy.

Basically when I was in my early 20s I didn't work, socialise or study for around six years. I dug myself out of the hole, started working and brought an investment house.

I am now nearly 38, but so stuck and feel hopeless. I have my own flat, friends (i dont see them loads as we get older but they are really solid friends) and a good family. I think people generally think i am an ok guy, not bad looking.

BUT

I find life a struggle. I had long term psychotherapy and the therapist basically suggested I was scared to grow up.

I find myself far too much returning to my parents house, where I am looked after. When they go to my home, they do the washing etc.

I cannot cope with work at the moment, i have handed my notice in at my current job with nothing to go to because i cannot handle it anymore. I have started applying for other jobs and am lucky where I am the job market is really good.

I try therapy it dosent seem to work. I am lucky on many levels but struggle so much with anxiety (taking meds) but never had a girlfriend and I would have loved to have had a family of my own.

I am not sure what I am asking for really, just wanted to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Bumper1969 · 09/03/2019 18:06

It sounds like you have lots if positive things in your life. Focus on them. Relationship s are not the be all.

CassettesAreCool · 09/03/2019 18:06

Cam90 sorry you are feeling crappy. I don't really know what to say except, perhaps:

  • could you take a month or so out to travel, away from your parents?
  • would it help to sit down with your parents and ask them to stop enabling you? Maybe invite them to yours and run around doing everything for them - a way of resetting the clock and having a more balanced relationship with them?
Original poster
Cam90 · 09/03/2019 18:22

Thanks, i need to i think. I am just not sure I can cope on my own I guess and my age it feels to late to change :( if i try to change i get overwhelmed.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 09/03/2019 18:35

Trying not to be harsh but will all due respect no woman is going to want a mummy's boy who can't look after himself...

I'm not really sure what's overwhelming about cooking a meal or turning on a washing machine??

Original poster
Cam90 · 09/03/2019 18:45

You are right and you are not being harsh at all. I have female friends but yes, I need to be self sufficient. It just feel likes I have now left it too late. Any suggestions how I can start to improve things? Thanks.

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 09/03/2019 18:49

Do you have any hobbies? It's understandable we see friends less often as we get older, but clubs and groups could be a good way to widen that social circle and get out more. Doing something you enjoy regularly is great for general well being too!
If you don't have any existing hobbies, what about an evening class? Or a new hobby that anybody can try like walking!

As for independence from your parents- how often are they coming round? Are you doing those things yourself in between?
Challenge yourself to get those jobs done, so to have an empty washing basket before they get there for example! Or cook them dinner when you go there... If you don't know how, ask them to show you!

GassyAss · 09/03/2019 19:06

Do you do any exercise? Exercise will help your mental health and get you out of the house. You'll meet other people too.

Original poster
Cam90 · 09/03/2019 19:06

Do you have any hobbies? Not massively, started football, and jogging. My anxiety can affect things so tend to stay in a comfort zone re socialising but am doing more now than before

I am useless, i let my place get messy, dont keep on top of things, then they come around and sort it out for me, my fault I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cam90 · 09/03/2019 19:08

(I dont necessarily ask they think they are helping me, as i said i had bad mental health difficulties in my 20s so they are trying to help i guess)

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 09/03/2019 19:27

I don't think you are a mummy's boy, it sounds like anxiety has a grip on you and is making your world small? Did the therapy help or do you think might need to go back? How do you manage your anxiety?

AuntMarch · 09/03/2019 19:41

Maybe try making schedules to stick up to help you keep on top of things. Just one job a day?
Something like:
Monday- clean kitchen and empty all bins
Tuesday- clean bathroom
Wednesday- clean living room
Thursday- do the food shop
Friday- clean bedroom including changing the bedding (a fresh bed for the weekend is always a win)
Saturday- meal prep for the week, you could ask your parents to help here to start with
Sunday- washing

I can't remember names of them now but my friend shared websites all about how to simplify running a house and how long was spent cleaning etc. I'm sure you'd find tips if you search

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 09/03/2019 19:52

It sounds like you need medical help with your anxiety. Until you get a handle on that, the rest will likely not just fall into place.

I also suspect the advice you got psychiatrically was a bit cod. You might be afraid to grow up. We all were at some point. Did you get any meaningful advice on how to change this? Just telling you what they think without giving you a path to change seems a bit ...I dunno? Damaging?

Orange6904 · 09/03/2019 20:02

I agree with Squashy above. Have you tried CBT op?

Original poster
Cam90 · 09/03/2019 20:13

Good advice regarding cleaning thanks, I need to simplify things

Re anxiety, I am taking setraline 50mg/day....and surviving day to day....therapy doesn't really help, just end up seeking reassurance and wasting money.

But despite this I could and should do more (and must start) thanks for advicr

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 09/03/2019 20:19

@Cam90 CBT could work for you and it could be done through your gp. It doesn't go through your past or 'analyse' you, it's about breaking the cycles of thoughts affecting behaviour. It really helped me with anxiety and panic attacks.

AuntMarch · 09/03/2019 20:20

I know that when my space is clear, my mind is clearer too. I'm not trying to belittle anything, it won't suddenly everything, but it can only be a positive thing to gain a little control!

Start small. Set one target for this week that will be a step in the right direction, such as making sure the days dishes are done before you go to bed each night for the week. Then you can carry on that the following week and add another part to the routine.

Original poster
Cam90 · 09/03/2019 20:22

*advice

The therapist didn't offer much advice tbh our relationship broke down a bit.....my fault if I am being honest.

I am not a bad person, people like and love me, just a bit of a mess tbh and aware that I am not improving in any way and could be leaving it too late (some MN threads suggest men never change their ways tbh)

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 09/03/2019 20:22

You say in a post above 'I am useless', you're probably not useless, you're struggling with anxiety. It can really hard.

Orange6904 · 09/03/2019 20:23

It's never too late and of course men can change. Your self talk is really negative on these posts. Not judging, mine was (still is sometimes) I can pm you some stuff that helped me if you want?

Original poster
Cam90 · 09/03/2019 20:26

Please thanks

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 09/03/2019 20:27

Could you join a support group. Here we have GROW and they help by setting small goals which people find helpful. Also give support and generally people find ot helpful. Try not to beat yourself up. Some medication can sap your energy and leave you with little to spare after work.
Maybe your GP would review your meds

PlasticPatty · 09/03/2019 20:32

Keep going with the therapy. Eventually it will work. I had twelve therapists. No. 12 was a 'Senior Psychological Therapist' with some kind of supercharged CBT to offer. Changed my life. Absolutely changed it. The anxiety became 10% once the depression shifted - perfectly manageable.

Re the mess - do one small (tiny) job at a time. Do it, stick to it, finish it. Next time you're in the mood, do another. I'm nearly finished. I can think of decorating and what things I'd like to have in my house.

It's not too late. You are younger today than you will ever be again. Don't worry, that's not a threat. 38 the ideal time to quietly improve your life until you are happy.

Keep going. You'll get there.

Orange6904 · 09/03/2019 20:35

Pmed you @Cam90

ShizeItsWeegie · 10/03/2019 04:46

True anxiety means that although you are physically capable you are sort of paralysed when it comes to doing the simplest of tasks. It's partly because we are over flooded with fight or flight hormones which make us shake and want to use our muscles in a big way only and renders us incapable of dealing with minutiae. Put another way, no one is going to be thinking about choosing wallpaper if a T Rex is chasing us. Anxiety = permanent T Rex threat. Until that is quelled the mind is fucked basically.
I have had anxiety and prior to having it, I had no idea what it was like. My normal personality was well in the rear view mirror and all the normal parameters of my life were swept away by it. I took Diazepam in tiny doses and it was the beginning of me getting the anxiety overidden and getting my normal back. I was ill for months.

ShizeItsWeegie · 10/03/2019 04:49

What I'm saying Op is you might want to go back tothe GP and tell them what you are experiencing. No everyone gets on with Sertraline.

You will get through this.

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