Any cheerleaders about? Pls tell me it gets easier

[TwinkleMerrick]

Ex left me over Xmas, he is already with a new women. I still have his dirty boxers in my wash basket!! Anyway I've gone back to work after mat leave, lined up a new full time job to start in September as he is useless and I can't rely on him. I get up every day, put my make up on, get dressed, slap on a smile and carry on....but inside I feel so broken. I'm constantly thinking about him. When will the pain go away? It's exhausting and I don't know how long I can continue to fake it xx

You sound brilliant - new job lined up, getting on and doing things. If you really do have his dirty boxers rather than them just bring metaphorical why don’t you bin them.

for you this morning.

Honestly, you just keep putting one foot in the front of the other.

Keep doing what you are doing.

If it happened at Christmas, its not that long.

It's one of those things that constantly hurts, then one day it's not overwhelming. Eventually you have days, where you realise you haven't thought about it for a few hours, or not felt that feeling for a few hours.

Then it's a day, then a few days, then longer

Its gradual. Be kind to yourself, dont think you should be feeling better. You will but in your own time.

I am 18 months on from my marriage breakdown. I feel great.

OP I am a bit further on than you after 23 years. It does honestly get better but you are grieving and need to pass through it. Read the lyrics of this.

www.google.com/search?q=sia+just+keep+moving&oq=sia+just&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0l3.3920j0j4&client=ms-android-samsung&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

Well done you! You are better off without him, he's useless and unreliable, disloyal.

Keep up the war paint, you'll get your mojo back. Why bother with the feckless arse?

Xmas is not a long time at all. Men tend to move on by entering a new relationship while women take time to grieve and build their strength so you are going the eighth thing.
It happened to me but I am a year on from you and yes it still hurts, especially when I see photos of them together (he had an affair) but I am so much better than I was a year ago. Lean on your support network, wherever or whoever that may be-friends/family/colleagues. Talking helps a lot. I also referred myself for counselling which helped as well. You will get there xx

*you are doing the right thing

You are doing amazing, go you getting a new job!

It does get easier, you sound like a very capable woman, you will be absolutely fine.

Bloody hell op, it sounds like you are doing amazingly well. All of this only happened at Xmas, so it's such early days. One day at a time, it will get easier.

Thanks guys, I'm currently sitting at work drinking really sweet coffee and trying hard to hold back the tears.

It is early days for you. I'm 14 months down the line and feel I have finally got a grip on things. I'm still sad. But I don't cry everyday anymore.

Do get support for yourself be it friends. Your gp. Family or counsellor. A safe place for you to off load.

Keep yourself busy. Make plans with friends and just go Day by day. It will pass

Burn his fucking boxer shorts and dance round the fire!

Boundaries. Make sure you have good ones.

Have you got some good friends? Plan something nice with them? Coffee and a catch up?

You are doing so well and sound like a really strong and positive person. Fill your life with as many fun things as possible. Get stuff in the diary, things to look forward to, even small things, and trust that you will get through it.

Take a shit in his boxers and leave them on his front step (OK not really, but take satisfaction in the thought of it!)

It's only been a couple of months and you sound like you're really pushing through the pain.

I've been told before that the grieving for a relationship will take twice as long in months as the relationship was in years. So if you were with someone 10 years, it will take 20 months until you feel yourself and feel ready to date again.

I think you're doing better than you are giving yourself credit for.
I still have days just like you are describing, and my relationship ended 4 months ago.
As time goes on these days will become less frequent, but you will no doubt experience the odd 'hiccup' along the way. I am right now, thanks to said ex sniffing around again.
Well done on getting your job! I got a new job within a couple of weeks of my relationship ending. When I look back at this, it is one of my proudest moments.
I could have never felt so broken on the inside when I had my interview, but I gritted my teeth, and still managed to show my worth.
I started the job at the beginning of the year, and it has been so helpful. I know you have a little wait till you start, but take pride in that you have achieved this through your heartbreak.
That's amazing!
Be kind to yourself today

I think I find weekends hard atm as I know he will be out with his new women and I'm at home looking after our baby. Even though I have fantastic family and friends I don't feel I have anyone I can really talk too. I had problems with mental health in the past and as soon as I say I'm feeling a bit low they all start going on at me how I'm not allowed to go down that path.....like have have control over it! So I just keep my mouth shut and pretend I'm ok. Everyone elks me I'm better off without him, I know it's true but it doesn't stop the pain of him leaving me, I still feel betrayed and like I'm not good enough.

I’m so sorry to hear of what you’re going through. As others have said, it sounds as though you’re dealing with the situation brilliantly. In terms of having a chance to talk, have you thought about counselling? I had some in the past following a bereavement and found it really really helpful in the way it gave me a chance to offload and talk through things. This site has a list of counsellors in different areas: www.counselling-directory.org.uk. I think the charity Mind might offer free counselling, though am not sure.

Also, I don’t know whether this would appeal to you, but I did a mindfulness course and found it super-helpful in the way it provides training in dealing with difficult emotions. This website lists courses in different areas: bemindful.co.uk.

In terms of people saying “you’re not allowed to go down that path”, that sounds well meant but unhelpful. I think it’s really important to allow oneself to grieve when something bad happens - feeling sad is obviously a normal emotional reaction and it’s healthy to allow ourselves to experience that. Maybe counselling would be a way of expressing how you feel, with support to ensure it doesn’t drag you down.

Very best of luck to you! 💐

If I were you I would find a trusted and mature friend and say-

I want to be able to vent and talk about xxx but that doesn’t mean I’m not ok. I want to be able to offload and for you to listen and not worry about me.

Don’t bottle it up.

Does he have contact with the baby?

Hi OP

It will get easier. I don't know if it will be useful to you but we had a thread of women in a similar situation which we started in August and we're all in a much better place now. Maybe our experiences will give you some hope?

How do you adjust to life as a lone parent? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3339230-how-do-you-adjust-to-life-as-a-lone-parent

Big hugs

@unexpectednewstart thanks for posting that thread, it's has made me stop crying. Im going to look into meeting some other single mums in my area. I feel I need to make some friends who are or have been in a similar situation. Going to baby groups on my day off has made me feel very sad as they are all talking about their husbands/partners.

Also going to get my hair chopped tomorrow, I love having really short hair but didn't because my ex hated it. Well I can do what I like now i could hook ur with a black lesbian to really get to him as he was racist and homophobic....more reasons to be happy he left! Lol I'll stick with the hair cut for now x

You are amazing for doing what you are doing. It’s not even been three months. Keep going. It will get easier, maybe not for another few weeks yet but it will. Usually when you get angry about the pain and realise you have your life to live again

Glad that it was helpful OP.

I find playing 'single Mum bingo' helps me see the funnier side when people makes comments assuming I have a partner to help.

I've also found that, as I gradually feel more confident telling people that I'm separated and the reasons why, friends and strangers have shared a whole range of tough situations with me. So many people are grieving something, whether it's the lost partner, option to have children or having a child who is likely to be limited by special needs.

You'll get there, you'll find the friends I help you through and your child will appreciate your sacrifices with time. Look after yourself

Woken up feeling a lot more positive, even though I'm not having proper sleep these days. Baby sleeps great but I keep waking up every few hours and thinking about the ex. But my sister came and looked after DD and I got my hair all chopped off....Pixie cut and I love it! It's very liberating doing something for me and not because I think it's what a man wants. Also have some nice things planned to look forward to. So today is a good day, I know I'll have more bad ones but so far feeling ok xx

Ah well done OP! That's amazing!

I grew my hair after me and exh split he hated me with long hair because he thought other men would find me more attractive. I know have long hair, down past my bra strap. I love styling and faffing with it. It feels very liberating to have my hair how I want it.

It's also the colour that he hated.

Do whatever gets you through the day.

Honestly you are doing great. I get the family stuff. I am now NC with my parents they could bring themselves to support me.