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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lying DH faked Prelonged my daughter illness need advise

30 replies

Katebear1 · 08/03/2019 01:37

Firstly I’ll start by explaining my daughter was poorly when she was born early we very nearly lost her but after a stint in neonatal she recovered really well , months later I had discovered my husbands business was struggling financial since before my DD birth (he’s didn’t want me to have added worry)and from reading his text discovered he was using the story of our daughter still being in hospital this 4 months later so people would give him more time to get things sorted ... it makes me feel sick I will be clear people had been chasing him since the week before our DD was born and they had finally said you must still be in hospital etc but he never denied it just let them believe it to be true even after one suggesting he must be giving bone marrow still no denial . I really loved him he’s know he’s made a terrible mistake and has explained that the finiancal situation would of bankrupt us if not but now 6 months on and I’m still so angry I can’t look at him in that why anymore do I walk away with my 2 children ( he’s a amazing dad and has been a amazing husband not always been 100% honest about one part of his life but very loving) ... is there anyway back from this do you think ? I’ve not spoke to anyone but him about it as I feel ashamed of his actions please him me . I can’t help but feel that this lie is like tempting fate and will cause my DD to one day become ill and need bone marrow herself

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 08/03/2019 02:10

I think you need couples counseling, people do lie when backed into a corner. You need to see an accountant about the financial situation and see how to go about protecting yourself from the fallout.

LaughingCow99 · 08/03/2019 02:12

I think you should let it go. He had a new baby and financial problems. He was desperate. I think his shame says a lot.

He was trying to protect you from worry at any cost.

If he is a loving partner and good dad, you should forgive and move on!

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 08/03/2019 02:16

He sounds like he was desparate and scared, not an evil person

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 08/03/2019 02:26

I can’t help but feel that this lie is like tempting fate and will cause my DD to one day become ill and need bone marrow herself

It hasn't. There is no god or devil watching preparing to punish him via your daughter one day. He hasn't sold his soul. He hasn't jinxed her or cursed her or condemned her to a terrible fate. He hasn't hurt her or profited from her illness.

He has saved his business from bankruptcy. Saved you from that stress. Saved your family from that shame.

stayathomer · 08/03/2019 02:37

He let them think something because he was under pressure and stressed most likely with the money thing and about your child. I wouldn't think it's th a t huge but if it bothers you then it does so I'd follow the advice above. If you think it's big enough for counselling do it ( but still perhaps remember the strain he must have been under)

KennyCalmIt · 08/03/2019 02:40

I don’t really understand the anger to be honest

This is a man who had a poorly newborn who may or may not survive and his business was struggling and almost collapsed. He was probably worrying about how he was going to support you both which is why he never told you about it

It would never cross my mind to be upset or angry with him Confused

Why were you looking at his texts, anyway?

BrendasUmbrella · 08/03/2019 03:05

You are absolutely right to be angry about it. In a sense it could feel like he profited from his dd nearly dying which is very unpleasant. Anyone with a developed sense of empathy should be able to put themselves in your shoes and understand the visceral shock of finding out your DH was letting people believe his newborn was still gravely ill when you were so relieved she was home and recovered with you.

I can recall reading similar stories here, but from men who were looking for sympathy and some time off to put their feet up at home. If you are sure your DH told this lie to keep his family income stable and not for selfish reasons, I'd let it go.

His dishonesty is not going to cause anything to happen to her and it's not tempting fate. Your dd is her own person, not an extension of her father or her mother. Someone else's actions, even a parents, will not cause some higher being to spitefully strike her down. If karma is real he'll be the one in trouble, not her.

Bahhhhhumbug · 08/03/2019 03:12

Other people presumed, he simply let them. Very different to proactively teing people your dd is very ill after she's recovered. Also it's not as if these were loved ones sick with worry that he kept longer in misery, these were business associates etc.

MrsTerryPratcett · 08/03/2019 03:13

Anyone with a developed sense of empathy should be able to put themselves in your shoes and understand the visceral shock of finding out your DH was letting people believe his newborn was still gravely ill when you were so relieved she was home and recovered with you.

Equally; in his shoes, desperate to support his family, still shocked about his daughters condition, panicking in case the business failed.

I have empathy for both parties. You may need professional help to get past this because I imagine it's tied up with a lot of trauma that's affecting your judgement.

Thanks
MillenialMum89 · 08/03/2019 03:14

This is what women suggest divorcing over these days? Blimey.

DEATH DO US PART was the vow you took, no?

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 08/03/2019 03:19

He did not prolong your daughters illness, so sorry for your loss. It sounds like he is under extreme stress and made a bad decision followed by another and is now is a mess. It also sounds like you need bereavement councilling

Bahhhhhumbug · 08/03/2019 03:24

telling

LeesPostersAreInFrames · 08/03/2019 05:12

I promise you, he can't jinx his daughter into needing bone marrow or anything else. If you believe in destiny, she has her own, and that simply can't be messed with because of another person's actions. Xxx

It sounds like he did what he needed to, to keep his business going and therefore support your family. It wasn't pretty but it sounds effective. Let it go my lovely, you have much more important plans to direct your energy xxx

Bluelonerose · 08/03/2019 05:23

When I first read it I was angry too but I can see why he's done it.

Not sure where ide stand if it was my dh tbh but as long as he let them know all was now fine with Dd ide try to move on.
He didn't actually say she was ill just let others assume that to buy you all some time during a stressful period.

Smotheroffive · 08/03/2019 05:36

OP why are you saying this all over again?

What about his hair treatment and having a secret life like you said on your other thread?

That he was brought up to lie?

Didn't you like the other answers you got as you've presented things quite differently here. It now seems it was threatened bankruptcy. People have tried to support you on that other thread so I hope you are not trying to waste MNers valuable.time and efforts?

Smotheroffive · 08/03/2019 05:39

He called her a different name and made up a different life and you never met them because he worked hundreds of miles away and you never knew he was working in another job doing hair treatments which he was too embarrassed to tell you about which is why he said he lied?

Mmmmbrekkie · 08/03/2019 06:03

He sounds desperate, utterly desperate

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/03/2019 06:25

First thread. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3525495-Despitely-need-help

I’m so sorry. Your lives sound very difficult. You need therapy. He needs therapy too.

He was absolutely desperate. Poor guy was brought up by a drug addict and learnt to lie from the moment he could speak. I know it must be very difficult for you to live with someone, who has told so many lies. I think it must be far more difficult for him. He was a tiny, frightened child.

I think you will find peace through therapy and maybe learn to forgive him. Perhaps look at your child and realise your dh was that vulnerable when he was trained.

Just reiterating what everyone said on this and the other thread, you cannot jinx things or tempt fate. Flowers

Original poster
Katebear1 · 08/03/2019 09:55

I’m sorry for any confusion I really do appreciate everyone’s advise on both posts, the lie about fake / our DD is the one I can’t get over in my head I thought the truth is so complicated to follow I will simplify it to get honest advise on the part that making me want to walk away from him

OP posts:
Original poster
Katebear1 · 08/03/2019 09:58

This is our lives and our family, my world but my mind can’t seem to let this go on my own.. that’s why I’m her to get a balanced view and help

OP posts:
HappyMama01 · 08/03/2019 10:03

There must be more to the story for you to be this hung up on it.

If my hubby did and said this, I'd be a bit like 'okay that was wrong, but I understand why you did it'
He was backed into a corner and saving you and your newborn daughter from being potential bankrupt, homeless and everything else!

mindutopia · 08/03/2019 10:21

I think what you're getting upset over is a bit of a technicality. She wasn't still in hospital, but you both did have a very scary start, she (I assume) was potentially still ill or recovering, and he was under a lot of stress. It probably very much affected his ability to cope with an already stressful situation and it likely affected his work.

My mum had cancer treatment this past year. I used that as an 'excuse' if you will why I was slow to get work done (I was on mat leave, but doing some consulting towards the end). Honestly, it wasn't affecting the time I had to do work in any way (my mum doesn't even live in the UK), but it did affect me psychologically for quite a long time. I found it hard to focus, was quite depressed, very unmotivated (also had a new baby, like you and your dh). Unless there is some massive backstory about your dh routinely scamming people with fake illnesses, I would forgive and move on. It sounds like it's been a horrible time for both of you and you both have struggled with it all, which is totally understandable.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/03/2019 10:55

I can understand why he did this to be honest.
I needed some time to sort out some finances.
He didn't want to let you all down.
I could get over this.
Could you have some counselling to see why you can't forgive or forget this?
It's horrible, don't get me wrong. And I can see why you aren't happy about it.
But I really think it's time to let this go now.
He knows it was wrong.

BarbarianMum · 08/03/2019 10:56

Yeah you're right OP, a caring husband would have expected you to deal with a bankruptcy as well as having a sick daughter. And now karma is out to get you Hmm

I suggest you get some help exploring your feelings around your dd's birth, rather than use your dh as a convenient whipping boy for your trauma.

IncrediblySadToo · 08/03/2019 11:08

You might want to, but you can’t look at this in isolation. Speak to a therapist who can help you, there are too many deep issues for a MN thread to help.

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