I just can’t deal with this anymore

[Moonshine4]

Sorry this may be really long.

I am married with 4 sons (adult, 2 teens and 10 year old), been together 15 years married 13, 2 older kids to an ex partner.

My husband has put me through hell for many years, he had a serious drug addiction for years, we have had a very turbulent relationship due to this, and have split many times only for me to take him back out of some kind of fear or the fact I felt sorry for him.

I went to uni and have a good career, Earn good money and the house is in my name, I pay all the bills as he has no job or income.

4 years ago the shit hit the fan and he went off the rails with drugs - worst I have ever seen him, he even burgled my dads home :(
He stole from me, sold my wedding ring and destroyed my dress.
In the end he landed himself in prison on a 4 year stretch. I stood by him and he got clean. I honestly thought he was a reformed man. He looked healthy, he had got a job and was very loving.

But soon after he came home thing changed, he was moody and emotionally abusive, controlling, jealous, possessive and has basically all the narcissistic traits going!
We have spent again most of the past year fighting and breaking up then getting back together. He has taken out payday loans and phone contract in my name, and even had a month long relationship with another woman whilst trying to save his marriage!

The kids think he is an idiot and back me up all the time, he moans and complains about the fact he cleans the house and nobody appreciates it (even though I work and still do my share of cooking and cleaning!).

He can’t stand me doing anything nice for my eldest son and is almost jealous of his relationship with me.

He says I am up to no good with both men and women, he was going through my phone and emails but won’t allow me to touch his phone ( that is legally mine!), I can’t even have access to the bill I just have to pay it!

He is jealous of my friends and family, and calls them, especially my mum who he slays off and gets arsey when I see her.

The stuff he says is sometimes off the wall! Anyway I know I need to stop this and get out of this relationship for my own sanity. He twists things, gaslights, and basically puts all of the blame on me for everything that is going on.

Then he will have a few days of being lovely! I think things will be ok and then boom! Back to hell again!

I start a new job on monday and have to go away for 2 weeks, things are so bad between us now and it’s his birthday today. Despite all my efforts to try plan something he turned me down saying he wants to get smashed all day with his dick of a mate!

I deserve so much more than this and so do my kids, my friends have been fab and not intervened but they live in hope it will end and I will be free.

I just have no idea how to do this and I feel like I am going to explode!

Thanks for reading

Please. You know what the right thing to do is. For your children and for yourself! Get him to leave. Thinking of you x

Fuck that op, get rid!

It may have been a long post, but you know that there is only one simple answer.

Finish it now.

This is your one and only life. Why the hell are you spending it in misery with this vile, selfish loser?

Do you not think you are worth more than this? Your children clearly think you are.

And are you happy modelling this relationship for your children? It will be affecting them every day.

If I sound harsh - I mean to, a little bit. You know full well you have to split up with him. You don't need permission from an anonymous forum. You just need to pull your big girl panties up and get the hell on with it.

I promise you that you will feel better the moment you actually resolve to do this. Good luck.

You already know the answer op, you just need the courage now

Thank you, of course your all absolutely right and the educated and rational side of me know I don’t deserve this bullshit anymore and I am damaging my kids by staying in a toxic marriage.

There has been so many times we have split then got back together, so many times I have put my foot down then been manipulated back into being with him. He is mentally unwell, I know that, but some of it is certainly just his choice to be a dick.

This morning I woke up gave him a hug and whispered happy birthday, I am not an arse so tried to be normal, not sure he really noticed. I went down to make breakfast for my 14 year old as he has to get the bus to school and he came down, ignored me had a smoke outside then shut himself in the living room, I went in an sprightly asked if he wanted a coffee, he said no moodily so I said, so your still in a mood with me “yes!” So I just said ok and left him to it, he will get card when he gets over himself!
When he gets like this he say I should know not to ask him and just do it, or cuddle him, problem is I don’t work like that, why would I? If he wants to act like a stubborn child I will just let him keep going!

I need to get in such a strong place that I know I won’t go back. I am feeling wobbly now, once my new job starts on Monday and I get the 2 week residential training done I might feel in a better place, although he may just end up leaving me in the shit with the kids for that cause that is what he does to control the situation.

Could I leave my kids with my 20 year old very mature son with my brother maybe overseeing things?

I feel so pathetic!

Oh just sack him off. He sounds like such a delight that you wouldn’t want to leave the kids with him anyway. Yes you can leave the younger ones with the 20 year old and your brother, as long as they’re willing to help. Will you be back in the middle weekend?

Your 20 year old is old enough to have several.kids of his own so of course you can! Use your support network, they will be happy to help.
And read this
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

I can't believe you've put up with this for so long. The man is clearly an utter waste of space and expects you to just continue funding his train wreck.

He is mentally unwell, I know that, but some of it is certainly just his choice to be a dick

And it's been your choice to stay with him or keep going back to him for years and years and years. You KNOW what he's like, yet every time you've got back with him.

Wake up, smell the fucking coffee, and for once, finally do it, get out of it and don't go back. Your poor kids having to have put up with this for all these years and you allowing them to witness how he treats you.

I read all that twice looking for a single good reason for you to stay with him, and the closest I could get is that 'he's sometimes lovely for a few days'. Just chuck the fucker out.

I honestly do not understand what's in this for you - your kids don't seem keen on him either, and rightly so. The best thing you wrote in your OP is this: I deserve so much more than this and so do my kids, my friends have been fab and not intervened but they live in hope it will end and I will be free.

You're free now - just get rid and stay strong. In a month or two you'll be able to see it from everyone else's perspective and wonder why you let him ruin your lives like this.

You say he got a job when he left prison so why doesn't he work now. I would dump someone for not working. I hate lazy shits.

He sounds like a hideous drain on your family’s finances, emotional well-being, stability and sanity.

You must find the strength to end this relationship. Talk to friends and family and rope in all the support you can muster. But ultimately, you need to be the one to decide this is over.

Just think how different your life could be a year from now. How much calmer, happier, stable your family life could be without this pathetic, abusive twat taking up air in your life.

If your 20 year old and brother are happy to do it, it sounds like your kids would be much better off with them than with your “DH”.

You know you need to end this. You’re putting up with a lot of shit and getting nothing out.

Yes I will be back in the middle for the weekend.

He has already left to do his own thing today.

Yeah I have stayed and put up with disgusting horrible behaviour, but this is what narcissists do, and I know I have to break it but they get in your head, take away your self worth, make you doubt yourself, make you think it’s you not them causing the problems.
It’s much deeper rooted than it looks on the surface.

Stop paying for his phone. If he wants one he can get a job to pay for it.
Report him to the police for fraud.
Go to CAB for help with the financial abuse.
Get your wages paid into a new bank account that he has no access to.
Get yourself checked out for STI's.
Get a good solicitor.

Narcissist?

I don't see that at all. I see an amoral wanker chose drugs over his family, stole from his family and went to prison. For FOUR years. That's not a slight stretch but a significant one.

But you STAYED? How did he exert his narcissistic behaviour on you when you weren't even living with him for four years? He can't have manipulated you during those four years.

After all that when you had the perfect opportunity to leave him without him being able to do a thing about it, and despite the fact that he stole from you and he stole from your dad and that wasn't enough, when he got out of prison you carried on as normal despite him being an even worse wanker, he's taken out pay day loans in your name, he's cheated on you...

Seriously?

Come on, OP. You KNOW what to do.

Mrs toasty - I can’t not pay for the phone cause it’s in my name and will look like a default on me.
I went to the police when the loan fraud happened they said it was civil issue!
My wages go into my account, he doesn’t even have an account!! I just need to make sure he can’t get card/change pins etc. I literally slept with my purse last night as I am scared still he gets my credit card and wipes me out!

I will go to the clinic and get checked.
Right now main issue is get him out for good. He will self distruct and end up in prison again.

I need to get assertive and prepared for all the shit he will do to ruin my life, make me look bad ect!

He has no boundaries he will try to ruin me until he finds a new play thing.

He will self distruct and end up in prison again

Good.

"My husband has put me through hell for many years, he had a serious drug addiction for years, we have had a very turbulent relationship due to this, and have split many times only for me to take him back out of some kind of fear or the fact I felt sorry for him".

Where has this fear or feeling sorry for him come from, where did this all start with you?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you grow up in a dysfunctional environment as well?.

You are a part of this overall dysfunction as well. He is undoubtedly abusive but you need to look at your own self in this as well because you have stayed with him to date for your own reasons. Your above comment reads like codependency and it has caused you and in turn your children much harm. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what example have you both shown them here? Who taught you to be codependent in relationships? (it was probably your mother).

I really can't comprehend why you've stayed with this dreadful man for so long. You say he's "put you through hell", he's committed fraud, he's stolen from you, he's stolen from your father and your poor kids have had to watch all this. I hate to imagine what damage it's done to them.

Please get help. You need to find your backbone and get rid of this man for good. Speak to a solicitor and find out where you stand then take immediate action. I would also cancel his phone and consider reporting him for fraud (taking out loans in your name). Kick him out and don't take him back this time. If you won't get rid of him for yourself, do it for your family and friends. It must have been breaking their hearts all these years watching you with this nasty piece of work.

I quite agree with Attila - this is quite different from other abusive partner threads we tend to see. I think counselling might be a really good move for the OP to work out why she's stuck with this all the years when there was at least one very clear perfect opportunity to break free when he actually wasn't around for four whole years.

You've got "Doormat" written across your forehead, haven't you? What happened in your youth to make you think you have to accept this appalling behaviour? You don't owe him anything, OP, and I hope your sons aren't being taught to think this is how men behave.

OP, have you done the Freedom Programme run by women's aid? you can do it online. Please do it.

and call women's aid anyway. they are brilliant at helping women escape, not just refuges, but advice on how to stay and get rid of him

Hmmm, lots of points to consider.

My own parents were together 30 years then my mum ended the marriage, both have moved on. Fairly average childhood. No trauma!

I had a number of relationships, was never short of interest from men, met my first partner at school, had two kids together, he cheated I stayed too long then, but eventually walked away and met my husband, he reeled me in quickly, was amazing, loving - got pregnant and slowly things changed.

He has manipulated me making me think I couldn’t manage the kids without him, he was in prison 2 years but 4 year sentance so is still on licence now.
He was a different person in prison, loving and he adored me, the truth is he was getting what he needed - money, visits etc!
I have been totally stupid and I admit that.

But actually it’s not about what I have put up with it’s about how I can strengthen my resolve, my self esteem after years of being made to feel a failure - he says nasty things about my body and that has made me think I am worthless.

I know after 2 years of life on my own I can do this myself, i wasn’t in debt, my house was clean, I held a job, did things with the kids, felt mentally and physically better! I felt calm and not walking on eggshells!

Now the stress is causing weight gain, I feel ill a lot, I have just withdrawn from anti depressants cause I don’t need them if I am on my own!

So yeah I have to get rid of him, I know that but I also have to be so super strong this time or the circle with continue.

You know it makes sense! How long can you continue like this? Just do it!