I just can’t deal with this anymore

[Moonshine4]

Sorry this may be really long.

I am married with 4 sons (adult, 2 teens and 10 year old), been together 15 years married 13, 2 older kids to an ex partner.

My husband has put me through hell for many years, he had a serious drug addiction for years, we have had a very turbulent relationship due to this, and have split many times only for me to take him back out of some kind of fear or the fact I felt sorry for him.

I went to uni and have a good career, Earn good money and the house is in my name, I pay all the bills as he has no job or income.

4 years ago the shit hit the fan and he went off the rails with drugs - worst I have ever seen him, he even burgled my dads home :(
He stole from me, sold my wedding ring and destroyed my dress.
In the end he landed himself in prison on a 4 year stretch. I stood by him and he got clean. I honestly thought he was a reformed man. He looked healthy, he had got a job and was very loving.

But soon after he came home thing changed, he was moody and emotionally abusive, controlling, jealous, possessive and has basically all the narcissistic traits going!
We have spent again most of the past year fighting and breaking up then getting back together. He has taken out payday loans and phone contract in my name, and even had a month long relationship with another woman whilst trying to save his marriage!

The kids think he is an idiot and back me up all the time, he moans and complains about the fact he cleans the house and nobody appreciates it (even though I work and still do my share of cooking and cleaning!).

He can’t stand me doing anything nice for my eldest son and is almost jealous of his relationship with me.

He says I am up to no good with both men and women, he was going through my phone and emails but won’t allow me to touch his phone ( that is legally mine!), I can’t even have access to the bill I just have to pay it!

He is jealous of my friends and family, and calls them, especially my mum who he slays off and gets arsey when I see her.

The stuff he says is sometimes off the wall! Anyway I know I need to stop this and get out of this relationship for my own sanity. He twists things, gaslights, and basically puts all of the blame on me for everything that is going on.

Then he will have a few days of being lovely! I think things will be ok and then boom! Back to hell again!

I start a new job on monday and have to go away for 2 weeks, things are so bad between us now and it’s his birthday today. Despite all my efforts to try plan something he turned me down saying he wants to get smashed all day with his dick of a mate!

I deserve so much more than this and so do my kids, my friends have been fab and not intervened but they live in hope it will end and I will be free.

I just have no idea how to do this and I feel like I am going to explode!

Thanks for reading

Please be safe and do the right thing for you and your children. They and you deserve a lot better xxx

You know what he deserves as a birthday present? A divorce.

Why on earth are you putting up with this?

You're obviously a capable, intelligent woman. I have no idea why this piece of crap is even in your life.

Jesus I can't believe you're dithering over this. He's toxic and you are doing more and more damage to your kids by constantly taking him back and putting up with this shit. Seriously what would he have to do for you to finally leave him?

Many abusers target strong women because they find them more of a challenge.

Can you speak to a family member/friend and let them know what's going on? Preferably someone with a lot of strength who will help you stand firm and get him the fuck out of your house. Doesn't need to be a burly male, just someone who won't hesitate to dial 999 if you're in danger.

I have ex colleagues on facebook who I haven't spoken to for decades, but if one of them messaged me that they were in your position and needed help, I would absolutely be there.

So yeah I have to get rid of him, I know that but I also have to be so super strong this time or the circle with continue.

OP no need for me to add my penny's worth. You already know how bad the position is and you've had plenty of clear and good advice in this thread already.

You do need to get some counselling for yourself (not with him!) But at the end of the day it's still you who needs to make a permanent change. You know you'll do well without him because you already have when he was in jail.

Take a good look at your children and think how this is affecting them now and potentially in the future to help steel your resolve and ask for help from your family (you mention your eldest son as brother - who else can you call on) to help when you are weakening. I hope for yourself and your family you are able to stay strong as nothing will change for the better otherwise.

I have experience of a cousin in a very similar situation - but she waited for longer - until he had ran up so much debt that she lost the house, that his toxic drug addled brain left permant MH issues (pyschosis) and his narcissistic rage turned to violence when he beat up her and their teenage girls repeatedly over many years.

She continued to take him back each time.

She also held down a successful career until she had a breakdown.

He has almost killed her - he had no stopping point and she had no boundaries.

She, like you knew all the buzz words and theory - but didn’t take action to build up her own disordered emotional state.

You're never going to end it with him. You had every opportunity when he was in prison. You had 4 long years to get his stuff out of your house, and to have a fresh start.

You betrayed your own Dad, by taking him back.

You're putting your boys through sheer hell with all of this bullshit. You could end it and live happily, but you choose this shit lifestyle, by staying with him.

I guarantee you when they are grown, that no-one will come back to visit you, with this arsehole hanging around. They may even go NC. And I doubt you'll have any relationship with your Grandchildren.

You're enabling him all the time. You didn't have to pay the phone bill, you should have called the provider and told them that the contract was fraudulent and cancelled it.

Honestly, grow a backbone, if not for yourself, for your poor, poor damaged children, and chuck him and all his shit out.

Either do it, or stop moaning. I don't even know the guy, but I have an overwhelming urge to smash his face in. Where is your anger?

By continuing to allow this monster in your DC’s life you are allowing them to life with an abuser.

That make YOU abusive too.

GET RID. PRONTO.

A lot of these comments blaming you for staying in your situation are very harsh, but they are well-meant, and likely true.

Please don't take them as a beat-down on your self esteem - use them if you ever doubt your own rationale for getting rid of this massive millstone. You can absolutely do it, and you will have all the support on here.

Thank you even to the proper harsh as fuck people who have replied and made me feel even more shit about things.

He went out at 8:30am I have mainly not engaged with his texts, he has just come home and packed a bag, and asked me to take him to the train station. I said no, he won’t give me house keys back until he gets all of his stuff.
I went to speak to him and said i was sorry it was his birthday but enough was enough, he focused on my “failings” today and I said this is not about today it’s about everyday since he got out of prison.

At that point he told me to shut up and get out of the room before he exploded on me. I went upstairs to him calling me the most selfish horrible bitch.

He followed me up, asked me again if I would drive him I said no. He then threw a empty tablet box (of his) at me. I told him to go or I will phone the police and he was saying no. Then he asked again for the lift again I said no and he said right “just watch” he is back downstairs.

I feel really strong, I won’t put up with his shit anymore. He said he refuses to help me with childcare, I said that’s fine. I don’t bloody want him here anyway!

This is pretty typical behaviour, he will do some damage before he goes, last time he pulled plants out of the garden! Then he will start bad mouthing me to anyone who listens. But for the first time I just feel so ready to deal with it.

Fuck this shit - I deserve and I will have a better life on my own, he gives me nothing, I owe him nothing. But the shit is about to hit the fan big time. And I am scared.

Well done @Moonshie4 but seriously, please phone the police NOW.

Please ensure you are safe.

Time to call the police, he's threatened yo and you are vulnerable. He's on license, get him carted off and start being listened to and respected.

Are you OK @Moonshine4? Please update if you are safe to do so.

As the house is yours and in your name, don't demand the keys back. Let him take them and just change the locks ASAP.

Hope everything is ok.

Phone for a taxi to get him out of your house. Quick before he changes his mind!

Change the locks, visit the police station. Notify friends and family in case you need a bolt hole .
If you can predict his pattern of behaviour, get the children out before he blows so they don’t witness this.
Above all, stay safe.

You are not helping him, you are enabling him to damage himself and others. Please call narcotics anonymous or alanon, there is a sister organisation for family of drug abusers.do it now. The longest journey starts with a single step. You and dc deserve better. He has choices and may be more inclined to take the right one if you don't prop him up.
Best of luck.

Why not take him to station or pay a cab to?

Will he be abusive to your 20 year old who is caring for everyone while you are gone for 2 weeks?

are you ok, OP?

Worried about you OP.
Hopefully you’ve just been busy preparing for your training.
Please update to let us know if you’re safe.

Let us know how you are getting on please