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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you make of this, red flag or not?

47 replies

User3940210 · 07/03/2019 20:47

Had a great date a couple of weeks ago. Chatted for ages and he asked to meet again. Said he’d love to see me again and then maybe a few times after that. All quite sweet. One text when he got back to say he’d had a nice night.

Had a few phone calls since then, all really fun and a good hour or so.

He then didn’t follow up to arrange the second date (and neither did I), I then text him and he said he had thought I wasn’t interested in meeting. I told him I was. We re arranged for this Friday.

Today he texts and says he’s been invited to a concert with his mates who managed to get him a spare ticket last minute and that they are old mates from school and it’s all short notice. I said I feel like you’re messing me around a bit. He said he wasn’t and it was just something he didn’t want to miss. I then offered to meet either Saturday or Sunday this weekend, to which he said he’s not usually this regimented with times?! I said I was simply being polite and wanted to make sure we met as I have other things to do over the weekend and that if he’s busy not to worry. He’s not replied.

This all sounds shit but it is so so nice when we speak, different to anyone else I’ve dated (and I’ve dated a lot!!).

What do you think? Am I being an idiot here or is he? I don’t want to get invested in someone who shows red flags (been there done that) and I know now is the time to call it quits rather than a couple more months down the line when it’s much harder.

OP posts:
greenlynx · 07/03/2019 20:50

I don’t think he’s seriously interested more like keeping you just in case.

GreenBanana321 · 07/03/2019 20:53

It's normal to make plans in advance you aren't being an idiot. Does he expect you to not have any life just waiting round for him to say he's available at short notice...I'd mybe explain that you have a (normal) busy life and that you have to schedule your days so if he can't make plans a few days in advance then I'd just move on to be honest

user1493413286 · 07/03/2019 20:53

It sounds a bit like he’s playing you so I’d back off. You deserve someone who is excited and keen to see you

LizzieSiddal · 07/03/2019 20:53

So he’s cancelled your date for tomorrow at very short notice. He then can’t commit to arranging anything for this weekend.

He’s messing you about and you are well shot of him.

Takeapolaroid · 07/03/2019 20:55

Really don’t bother.

ElloBrian · 07/03/2019 20:56

He’s messing you around.

Jaffacakebeast · 07/03/2019 21:06

Delete and done

User3940210 · 07/03/2019 21:08

I feel like shit though as I’ve dated so much over the last year or so and he’s been the only one I’ve clicked with.

We have such good chats and lots in common. He’s said he likes me repeatedly.

Agree that maybe he can’t be bothered. Not idea when I’m looking for husband material!

Why doesn’t it ever work out...

OP posts:
GreenBanana321 · 07/03/2019 21:16

Don't waste your time with him, he says he likes you repeatedly but actions speak louder than words. Move on you'll find someone that you click with probably even more that shows you the interest you deserve! Not being messed about like this

User3940210 · 07/03/2019 21:17

Thanks. Feeling so disheartened tonight. Was really looking forward to the date!

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 07/03/2019 21:24

Aw I know it's disappointing but you will definitely feel better in a few days

TheCanyon · 07/03/2019 21:24

Is this not your third thread about this man since the weekend? Honest to god, get a grip and move on. All so juvenile

User3940210 · 07/03/2019 21:28

thecanyon do you also think he’s messing about and not interested?

I’m shit and judging these things!

OP posts:
User3940210 · 07/03/2019 21:28

*at not and!

OP posts:
slappinthebass · 07/03/2019 21:32

I think maybe you lost him at accusing him of messing you around. What he said about not being regimented was shit, but I'd see your response as a red flag first.

User3940210 · 07/03/2019 21:33

Slappin that’s what I was thinking, maybe I jumped the gun a bit!

I’m usually so casual with dates and ironically they seem to come running! I’ve maybe shown I’m too keen too soon. Hate this dating malarkey!

OP posts:
Mumsymumphy · 07/03/2019 21:43

I'm currently taking a break from dating. It's soul destroying isn't it. Plus the realisation that (I never thought I'd say this) I'm starting to think I prefer staying in!

The 'not regimented with times' quote - wtf! How can someone date and not be 'regimented'? Sounds like he was a manchild tbh and you've had a lucky escape!

User3940210 · 07/03/2019 21:45

That’s what I thought mumsy

It made me feel like he just isn’t arsed. What is so rubbish is that every time we’ve spoken I’ve felt he was very genuine which will make me question things in future!

OP posts:
Dieu · 07/03/2019 22:55

The biggest red flag for me, is that he is turning his flakiness on you. He sounds blame avoidant and unreliable. If keen, he would be making an effort; the old adage 'actions speak louder than words' could have been written for the world of online dating!
Sorry for your disappointment. It sucks.

Shelby2010 · 08/03/2019 00:21

Sounds like he wants to keep the weekend clear for a date with someone else. Did he say who he has a ticket for or was it just ‘a band’.

Ditch him & move on.

SlipperOrchid · 08/03/2019 00:28

OP it sounds like he is keeping you hanging on until something/someone better comes along.

If you were genuinely interested in somebody, would you tell them you don't like to make plans/cancel existing plans? You would plan/you would ask them along/you would be excited about meeting and getting to know them.

He isn't interested in you. You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you.

User3940210 · 08/03/2019 06:37

He messaged saying he’d like to pick me up up Saturday. I’ve made plans now and feel a little bit like my enthusiasm has gone a tad! Agree he’s probably not interested, at least not how I was.

OP posts:
Takeapolaroid · 08/03/2019 06:39

Has he suggested a time or was it vague?

HK20 · 08/03/2019 06:42

I think you were being unreasonable when you had a bit of a strop about him changing plans last minute. These things happen!
Maybe he delayed texting back as he was rearranging his other weekend plans to fit around you?

Not every man is an arsehole, but that's what the posters on MN would have you believe!

NameChangeNugget · 08/03/2019 06:45

He sounds laid back, you sound a bit full on.

You’re going to need to accept that you’re different