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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband said he’s no longer attracted to me

32 replies

Wicker123 · 07/03/2019 20:46

Looking for advice from someone who may have been in a similar position (or tbh any advice would be good).
I’ve been married for 13 years, together 16, and have two children 12 and 15 I have always been a sexual person whereas my husband not quite as much as me. I started to notice not long after we got married that sex was happening less often, like from once a week to once a month then three then six etc... We would have a chat about it then things would improve a bit before going back the same thing. Then we went three years with no sex and it was killing me, I eventually plucked up the courage to talk to him and was told he thought it was me, I’d had a hysterectomy around the time it stopped and didn’t want to rush me. All very plausible and we resumed our sexual relationship for a year. Then it stopped again! I had propositioned him a couple of time and was rebuffed (tired, not well etc..). Anyway it’s now been another two years so I again plucked up the courage to talk to him and he has told me he doesn’t find me attractive anymore and should have been honest a long time ago. I’m heartbroken 😞 he said he wants to work on getting the spark back as he loves me and doesn’t want things to end. We talked about the things that may help, him being more active and being honest about his feelings and me loosing weight (I’ve put around 6 stone on in the last 10 years) and trying to be less passive and more proactive in life.
I have zero confidence or assertiveness and can be quite a nag sometimes, I know those things tend to be a turn off for men. He was very nice and honest about how he feels and was really sad to hurt me. I’m hoping we can work it out but he said he can’t promise it will work but really wants it too. Do you think it could work?

OP posts:

Keepithidden · 07/03/2019 20:49

You're communicating and that's the first step at least. There's no guarantees in life, but with both of you putting effort in then there's got to be a chance.

It all goes to shit when only one person works at it though. So make sure his actions match his words.

GreenBanana321 · 07/03/2019 20:59

I believe sex is extremely important in a relationship. There is no way I'd be going even a month without sex with my partner unless there was a super good reason like an illness etc. If it was me I'd be giving ultimatums much sooner and if I was told by my partner that he doesn't want to have sex with me because he finds me unattractive I'd say OK then we either split up or we stay together but have sex with other people. Are you sure he's not getting it elsewhere? That's something I'd be questioning too if there was other women

Original poster

Wicker123 · 07/03/2019 21:01

Yes we are communicating which is good I wish he had been honest with me in the beginning as it may not have come to this and now I’m worried it’s the beginning of the end. I was always told that if the sexual attraction goes there’s no going back?

OP posts:

snoozetastic · 07/03/2019 21:04

Perhaps you could go to relate?

Original poster

Wicker123 · 07/03/2019 21:04

Green banana, no he is not getting it elsewhere I did ask and I believe him when he said he isn’t. Sex has never been as big a thing as it was for me, I’m younger than he is so just assumed it was this?
I should have brought it up sooner but I was affraid that if I did this would happen and there was no going back. So here we are.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wicker123 · 07/03/2019 21:06

Snoozetastic I suggested counciling but we don’t have the money. And I believe we are both being honest with each other so wolhat would we get out of it?

OP posts:

snoozetastic · 07/03/2019 21:10

I just wonder whether professional support specifically about rekindling your sexual relationship is worth a go. Counsellors are cheaper than solicitors if you see what I mean. Just a thought if you don't get it sorted on your own x

Original poster

Wicker123 · 07/03/2019 21:11

Thank you I will have another look into it.

OP posts:

Kittykat93 · 07/03/2019 21:24

The problem is if he doesn't find you attractive and doesn't want to have sex with you a counsellor isn't going to change that. Harsh but honestly I couldn't live like this.

Original poster

Wicker123 · 07/03/2019 21:31

Kittykat it’s not harsh it’s exactly what I was thinking. We have talked about us both making changes (although I still fancy the pants off him) to see if that will change how he feels. He really wants to work on it and has said he doesn’t find me unattractive but can not make any promises.

OP posts:

Alwayscheerful · 07/03/2019 21:37

You sound like you both still care for each other.
Address the weight issue, for yourself as well as each other, you can be a size 12 within 6 months, you will love the new you and I am sure he will too.
Log everything you eat on my fitness pal and start walking several miles a day.
Follow james smith academy on Facebook.
You just need a calorie deficit and to log all your food and learn.
Good luck.

Original poster

Wicker123 · 07/03/2019 21:46

Thank you alwayscheerful I started today! I have been wanting to do it for a while and this will certainly give me the kick up the bum regardless of how it all turns out. We have to try I’m just scared.

OP posts:

Alwayscheerful · 07/03/2019 22:14

@Wicker123
Log and learn is one of James's phrases, his language is foul but the message is spot on. pm me if you need help.

ConfCall · 07/03/2019 23:13

You communicate very well currently. That's something a lot of people will envy. It's a shame that he wasn't honest at the outset but that's water under the bridge now and he's remorseful. He sounds like a decent man and I bet you'll get over this. Good luck!

canyoufeedthedog · 07/03/2019 23:20

Have you asked him specifically why he doesn't want to have sex? Sometimes it isn't the weight gain, it could be you both don't connect/ find time for each other, another way of looking at it perhaps?

Singlenotsingle · 07/03/2019 23:30

I don't mean to be rude but 6 stone is rather a lot, isn't it? I suppose it depends if you've gone up from 8 st to 14, or 12 to 18. Either way, it's good that you've decided to lose some. Slimming world are good. This could be the start of a whole new life

Original poster

Wicker123 · 07/03/2019 23:48

It’s a lot I know (I’ve gone from a size 10 to 18 in ten years) and I don’t blame him, it’s affected my confidence and general personality and doing something about it is long over due. I’m feeling a lot more positive since writing my initial post so thank you guys.

OP posts:

user9000 · 08/03/2019 00:02

But if sex tapered off soon after marriage surely it's not your weight or attractiveness! Unless you put on the weight in the first year?

I had a similar situation, where I remember being disappointed on our honeymoon despite being size 6. After we were married my workaholic DH spent exactly one night a week off from work and decided to spend it with his friends....over time I became very lonely and depressed as I was unofficially the only person responsible for the dogs and DCs so I was always stuck at home when not working.

Reality was he just didn't want family time. He didn't want it when I was thinner and when I became fat he was disgusted with me but really I was already lonely before that!!

That is what stood out from your post for me --- that he was like that from the beginning of your marriage....gradually boiling the frog.

Lose weight for yourself only.

Myheartbelongsto · 08/03/2019 00:37

He sounds lovely op and so do you.

I think he does love you and it was very brave of him to be honest.

Wishing you the very best.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/03/2019 01:39

I truly don't mean to be harsh, but 6 stone is a massive amount of weight. I understand completely that his attraction has dramatically waned. Are you trying to lose weight? Not just for your appearance but for your health. I think starting a healthy lifestyle program together would be a great way to reconnect. Cook together, go for walks, and go to a gym.

RiversDisguise · 08/03/2019 04:13

She is overweight...she gets it guys

AprilFool18 · 08/03/2019 05:14

My DH said this to me nearly 10 years ago, and to be honest, it affected every single sexual encounter between us afterwards. I think mine too was regarding my weight gain, and I thought about his words nearly every day after that, every time I looked in a mirror or got dressed in the morning. I never quite felt confident and comfortable again, knowing he was looking at me and thinking I was unattractive. We separated around 12 months ago (out of the blue, at his initiation) and I suspect this was something to do with it. I feel utter despair that I never lost the weight after we talked about it.

Sorry, I guess that's probably not what you wanted to hear, but I thought it might be useful to hear from someone who has been through a similar experience.

Alwayscheerful · 08/03/2019 07:33

Losing weight might not solve the problem but Op will feel better physically and mentally and she will be in a better space to deal with whatever life throws at her.

An extra 6 stone is like carrying a sack of potatoes on your back, 24 hrs a day , op knows she doesn't need reminding.

Confusedfornow · 08/03/2019 08:35

I'm staggered at the amount of women who think their physical appearance is irrelevant in regards to sexual attraction.

If a man doesn't find you attractive sexually, he isn't going to be interested in having sex with you. Remember, for men it's literally a physical thing, they have to get an errection, and that's extremly difficult, if not impossible, if he doesn't find his partner attractive.

OP another big issue which you have admitted to is that you are a nag. And nagging is very very very unattractive, you could look like a supermodel but if you nag a man, he's just going to withdraw. Men even have a joke about this . .

"Doesn't matter how hot she is, somebody, somewhere, is tired of her shit"

And that's absolutely true.

LemonTT · 08/03/2019 09:23

I can’t help wondering if he has other issues with his libido. As another pp pointed out he has struggled with this since the beginning. He / they are inactive and the OP struggles with confidence. I think weight gain is a symptom but of what I don’t know.

I don’t think you bring out the best in each other. That might be inherent or repairable.

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