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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me to articulate this - marriage

30 replies

Articulateforme · 07/03/2019 16:13

I've name changed but been here a long time.

Dp and I are going g through a real rough patch. This is literally the only thing we argue / disagree about.

Together 10 years, jointly owned house, ds aged 7 together. Good pensions including death in service which will go to waste I guess. We earn roughly the same amount.

He's a 'laid back' fucking man child who doesnt get the point of marriage. We're in love, have a happy enough relationship but this is a real sticking point.

I'm clued up on the legal implications of us not being married and I'm going to insist we see a solicitor if he's still not arsed after a chat this weekend but I struggle with the emotional side. I need help articulating why I want to be married to him outside of just the financial.

I'm embarrassed not to be married at the age of 40 but struggle to explain why

I hate having a different surname to ds but struggle to articulate why

I feel humiliated every time someone asks publicly when we're going to get married and don't know how to answer

I feel like he's made commitments to ds and to the mortgage company but not to me

I hate having a boyfriend at my age and don't like the word partner so find it hard to refer to him

I think ahead to bad times and hate the thought of being referred to as partner at my funeral if I die first

I hate feeling like my relationship is worth less than my married friends / family. Almost all of our friends and family are married. I'm jealous but can't explain why.

Every time this comes up it's via upset after someone's asked etc. Dp says he will marry me if I'm that arsed but thst he doesn't want to. I can't articulate why that wouldn't solve the problem and why I'd find that mortifying.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 07/03/2019 17:02

Why doesn't he want to get married?
I get the impression that you would be happy with a register office do with two witnesses and no reception.
I'd try to not argue about it, as everything else seems ok, but I definitely see your point of view.

Original poster
Articulateforme · 07/03/2019 17:06

He's just not arsed. Doesn't see the point. I'd do the registry office. My preference though would be a small celebration. I've tried not to argue about it but it's become too big a deal and I've found myself very resentful. 10 years is a long time.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 07/03/2019 17:13

So long as you're protected financially, why is it a problem? You could just change your name, by deed poll if you want. I'm firmly of the opinion "If it ain't broke, why fix it?" (I'm not married either, and no wish to be).

MikeUniformMike · 07/03/2019 17:13

What does your DS think?

MrsTerryPratcett · 07/03/2019 17:14

Some of this is because women are taught to think of marriage as an achievement and men aren't. That's not his fault.

And sorry (because I know why) but you shouldn't have given DS his name. No benefit to him getting married if he gets all the important (to him) things without it.

Tractortod · 07/03/2019 17:17

I think you need to ask yourself if you want to marry a "fucking man child" .... or just really want to be married

OhioOhioOhio · 07/03/2019 17:18

Yes what Tractor said

Original poster
Articulateforme · 07/03/2019 17:19

Single - it's a problem emotionally- for all the reasons I've outlined. I know I should have given ds my name. I was really fucking stupid not to. I regret it every time I sign him in somewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Articulateforme · 07/03/2019 17:21

We're having a bad time, I'm really down and feeling resentful. Hence the fucking manchild comment. I love him, I want a commitment

OP posts:
FannytheW0nderDog · 07/03/2019 17:21

Be careful OP. Think carefully about what you do have, not what you don't. Take myself as an example .... in a mostly happy relationship for 14 years of which engaged for seven years. Boyfriend didn't really want to get married, didn't articulate well why he didn't want to put a ring on my finger, but he did it anyhow 'to make me happy'. 15 months later shit hits the fan because getting married actually highlighted differences between us and then we split up very suddenly.

zgaze · 07/03/2019 17:22

I didn’t see the point of marriage and didn’t particularly want to, but did it just for the practical reasons you’ve mentioned - pension, house, children etc. I viewed it very much as a business transaction. I didn’t change my name either (though my children have my unusual surname as a middle name each so it is on their passports).

Mysterycat23 · 07/03/2019 17:23

He is probably waiting for you to take action and sort it all out so all he has to do is turn up, say a few words and then have a drink.

So go ahead.

Genuinely, you want more from him, like enthusiasm or giving a shit about the ceremony, but it's never going to happen.

So book the registry office, give the notice of marriage, invite people, buy a dress, buy 2 rings, book a pub. He can pay for half of it if you have separate bank accounts. Tell him the date. DON'T ASK. TELL him the date.

Then after change your name.

Job done. Move on with your life.

Fannybaws52 · 07/03/2019 17:28

I feel sorry for you. You've given him a child and he can't give you this one thing that would make you feel happy, secure and loved? Hmm

Says a lot about him. He seems a taker.

Why shouldn't you be a bride? He says he doesn't want to marry you. Well as much as you love him, is it possible there is another man out there who DOES want to marry you. Someone who wants to make you happy?

Maybe you should refocus. You can't force DP too be you the way you want to be loved or to want to be your husband but you don't have to put up with it and his wants don't trump yours.

fauxhuman · 07/03/2019 17:28

I get it and I'm female. I don't want to get married at all, I would hate my DP to pressure me into it but luckily he feels the same

Fannybaws52 · 07/03/2019 17:29

*too be you - should be - to love you

Whatnotea · 07/03/2019 17:35

Change your son's name to a double barrel of yours and his.
Death in service will go to your son surely. Make sure he is registered.
Don't tell him but make sure all your assets go to your son.
For your pension you can name your son and it will be kept out of your estate and no tax will be due.

Sorry can't help you on the lazy sob, but you can take action to minimize him in your financial life - cause that is what comes from not being married.

Normandy144 · 07/03/2019 17:58

I totally get where you are coming from. DH and i have been together 10 years, and are just coming up to our 1st wedding anniversary. DH always said he wanted too, but we had other priorities to begin with, wanted kids first and bought a house. We were then left facing marriage being the only next step left. We could have got engaged before but i think DH feared several things, first being the centre of attention and secondly that his family might not attend (they live overseas and don't travel). A few things changed to make things easier for his family and i just put my foot down and said we were doing it. He didn't argue but neither did i get a proposal. We went ring shopping and the wedding was planned. Closer to the date he admitted to not knowing why he had taken so long. We are happy and it was a great day. Like you though, i hated having to refer to him as my partner. I felt like, despite our commitment to the children and mortgage that we still weren't a bona-fide family.
If he says he will do it, then I'm afraid you need to take him at his word and start planning it. You might find he comes on board with it.

Original poster
Articulateforme · 07/03/2019 18:11

Thanks norman. I wish I could just pull my big girl pants up and power on but I'd just feel so sad and joyless doing it alone.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 07/03/2019 18:25

As someone with no inclination to get married, nothing in your OP would make me get married. I wouldn’t do it for security or any of the other financial reasons trotted out which can be dealt with in other ways. So I agree you probably wouldn’t get far with this.

But I wouldn’t do it because other people kept asking my partner when it was happening either. Which is frankly rude in this day and age. The other reasons seem to stem from misguided peer pressure.

Look if my partner expressed a spiritual reason based on religious conviction I would respect it. If he said it respresented the ultimate expression of love, beyond any previous relationship I would respect it. I would do it for the irrational reasons. But not social embarrassment which is beyond outdated.

But like others have said this could highlight dormant differences that could end the relationship. Legalising an emotional commitment is a contradiction for me.

feelingsinister · 07/03/2019 18:50

@Whatnotea Your 'advice' is ridiculous. Why does she need to do all that because her boyfriend doesn't want to get married? How does that make him a lazy slob?

OP, you need to decide if this is a red line for you. He's been very honest with you but said he will marry you if that's what you really want. But you also want a wedding.

Did he ever lie to you and say that marriage was on the cards or has he always been clear that he doesn't want to/it isn't a priority for him because unless he's had a massive about turn, I don't see how you can be pissed off with him.

He's raising a child and bought a home with you, those things are a far bigger commitment than getting married.

MrsTerryPratcett · 07/03/2019 18:51

Too late now but I might have asked DP to change DS's name to mine, since he didn't want to marry me.

Too many women do this. Give the child the mans name. For no reason!

Original poster
Articulateforme · 07/03/2019 19:30

Terry... that would be part of the solicitor visit. Ds wants us all to have the same name and is up for adding mine if that's how we decide to proceed.

OP posts:
SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 07/03/2019 20:04

Well I am married but kept my name. So my kids have their dads name.
I have friends who don't want to get married but are in the situation you are in. I don't think of their commitment as different particularly.
Although I do find it annoying when one if my friends criticises marriage to me. I just find it rude. Since I'm married. I wouldn't criticise their choice.

Scott72 · 07/03/2019 20:11

15 months later shit hits the fan because getting married actually highlighted differences between us and then we split up very suddenly.

There's a good point OP. What if the main thing holding the relationship together is your longing for marriage. Should you achieve that, then you might find you actually don't want to be with him any longer. Your post gives the impression you don't like him all that much ("fucking man child" etc.).

ConfCall · 07/03/2019 20:23

I'm a bit wary of men who won't marry the mother of their kids because they "don't believe in it". It smacks of keeping options open. I'd be disappointed in my sons if they behaved like this.