Please help me to articulate this - marriage

[Articulateforme]

I've name changed but been here a long time.

Dp and I are going g through a real rough patch. This is literally the only thing we argue / disagree about.

Together 10 years, jointly owned house, ds aged 7 together. Good pensions including death in service which will go to waste I guess. We earn roughly the same amount.

He's a 'laid back' fucking man child who doesnt get the point of marriage. We're in love, have a happy enough relationship but this is a real sticking point.

I'm clued up on the legal implications of us not being married and I'm going to insist we see a solicitor if he's still not arsed after a chat this weekend but I struggle with the emotional side. I need help articulating why I want to be married to him outside of just the financial.

I'm embarrassed not to be married at the age of 40 but struggle to explain why

I hate having a different surname to ds but struggle to articulate why

I feel humiliated every time someone asks publicly when we're going to get married and don't know how to answer

I feel like he's made commitments to ds and to the mortgage company but not to me

I hate having a boyfriend at my age and don't like the word partner so find it hard to refer to him

I think ahead to bad times and hate the thought of being referred to as partner at my funeral if I die first

I hate feeling like my relationship is worth less than my married friends / family. Almost all of our friends and family are married. I'm jealous but can't explain why.

Every time this comes up it's via upset after someone's asked etc. Dp says he will marry me if I'm that arsed but thst he doesn't want to. I can't articulate why that wouldn't solve the problem and why I'd find that mortifying.

I'd be disappointed in ds too. He already talks about when he gets married! Dp always refers to others as husband/ wife even when he doesn't know they're married or not. He assumes people are so understands its normal!

I have some experience of this. I totally get it. Your feelings are completely legitimate. In terms of why you feel this way, let me throw out a few suggestions.

You want him to commit to you and legitimise your relationship (in terms of how it is viewed by the law and by society).

You want to feel he has chosen you. This is why you don't want to feel that you've railroaded him into it - you want this to be something you both do together because you want to, not because one of you wants to and the other is going along with it.

You want to publicly celebrate your relationship with family and friends - a day that is about you as a couple.

You would like to be a bride.

You would like him to acknowledge that this is important to you and even if it isn't to him, it really matters to you.

No magic answers but I really do get it. How has he been on other major life decisions? Has he changed goalposts, stonewalled until he got his own way or been evasive until the decision has made itself/problem has gone away? Or have all other life decisions (eg house, children) been truly joint and this is the sole sticking point?

I ask not because I expect you to answer (unless you want to!) but I think how people deal with major decisions and compromises can be very revealing - if this is literally the only sticking point, maybe it's something you can live with, but if it's a pattern in some way, that might be something worth examining.

I get it and I'm female. I don't want to get married at all, I would hate my DP to pressure me into it but luckily he feels the same

Totally agree with this. I get married back in the 80’s when it was the done thing & still love DH to bits but, wouldn’t do it now. Sadly, I can’t see what the incentive is for him here.

Is marriage is that important it sounds like you’re going to have to make a big decision soon.

Good luck

I think with anything - if I wasn't arsed about it but DH was, really was, I would do it and pretend to be happy about it. Because making him happy makes me happy.

Not being arsed is not the same as not wanting to. If he genuinely doesn't want to, he owes you an explanation as to what exactly it is about marriage that he doesn't want. And once you know that, it's much easier for you to make a decision about your next steps.

Thanks Franklin. That's really helpful.

We've made most other decisions jointly, although communication really isn't our strong point.