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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mother in law hates me..

47 replies

Loopeylou92 · 07/03/2019 14:39

Well shes doesn't hate me as such but she just doesnt seem to like me much for no apparent reason! Does anyone elses MIL just dislike the for the sake of it?..

..Mine never texts me asking how the kids are just texts me partner, she never makes conversation with me or even hardly acknowledges me when we go to visit, i bought her a photo frame with 6 photo slots in for christmas and put 4 photos in of the kids and left the other 2 slots empty for her to put photos in herself. Of course she put in 2 of my partner and the kids but none with me in. Before christmas i was extremely ill (i mean like really ill) and to my shock she only texts me asking how i was because my partner told her she had to. Anyway I've tried different things to make her like me more, bought her flowers, little presents when we go to visit, making extra effort to make conversation ect. Nothing seems to work.. any advice please or shall i just expect it for what it is?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopeylou92 · 07/03/2019 14:42

Reading it back the things i mentioned sound really petty and small but theres a lot more i could list those we're just a few that came to mind.

OP posts:
FookMeFookYou · 07/03/2019 14:48

Doesn't sound petty or small - these are basic decencies and important to you. My MIL doesn't like me (putting it mildly), never has and never will... For years I tried but her innate nastiness was all I got in return. Now we're miles away from her and have nothing to do with her. My husband (barely) tolerates a phone call from her once a week and that's it. Do you want a relationship with her?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/03/2019 14:51

The trouble is, you can't force people to like you, whatever their reasons for not doing so.

I know it's not very nice, but just focus your energies elsewhere and leave her to it.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 07/03/2019 14:55

Many many posters would love a legitimate reason not to see their mil.
You have one op!!
Stay home - send dc with dh.

Littleraindrop15 · 07/03/2019 14:55

I would pick up the phone and just speak with her and tell her how you feel. She might not have anything against you but instead not know how to be and act. If you speak with her atleast you will get the peace of mind whether you need to continue sucking up or not

gudrunandtheseeress · 07/03/2019 14:55

She hates you for what you are, not who you are. This will never change.

All you can do is change how you feel about it by learning not to care - just don't ever turn your back on her, she could get up to all sorts.

OKBobble · 07/03/2019 14:56

The problem is she has probably read too many MN threads where women have said why is my MIL texting me she should text my DH, she is his mother.

Iloveacurry · 07/03/2019 14:58

I’d stop making an effort with her. Sounds like she probably wouldn’t like anyone her son might of ended up with. It’s not you, it’s her.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2019 14:58

Its not you, its her and this is not your issue to carry or otherwise feel responsible for. It is likely that she would have behaved the self same regardless of whom her son chose to be in a relationship with.

How does your partner get along with his mother these days, what sort of a relationship do they have?. He is key here.

I would not try and win her approval by present buying or such because its not appreciated nor worth the effort. You do not need her approval or validation here; not that she would ever likely give this to you anyway.

splishsplosh35 · 07/03/2019 15:01

My MIL doesn't like me and I don't like her. We're civil for the sake of DP and DS but otherwise don't really speak and she comes round 3/4 times a week. We haven't discussed it, we just know. I don't let it bother me anymore, I can't make her like me or vice versus, just one of those things.

Original poster
Loopeylou92 · 07/03/2019 15:12

Omg you are all so right!! I think i just needed to hear it tbh. I just need to stop caring i really do. As long as me and my partner are happy and the kids are happy thats all that matter.

My partner and MIL have great relationship.. i would almost say too great on her part. I think i just compare her to my own mother too much which i need to stop doing. My mother is a really mumsy mum, so kind and generous and loving. We go and visit MIL for weekend and not once does she ask us if we want anythiny to eat or drink. Partner either goes in kitchen and makes it or we order takeaway most of the time. How can you not offer your grandkids and food or drink?! Luckily i always take a bag full of food with me.

OP posts:
hippospot · 07/03/2019 15:15

Mine doesn't seem to like me at all. For the first ten years I tried so hard. The subsequent ten years I haven't made any effort at all. We have no relationship. This is helped in large part by her living in a different country. It does make me quite sad that she shows no interest at all in our children, but I figure it is mostly her loss.

another20 · 07/03/2019 15:19

Has your DP noticed how she behaves towards you?

Does he know how you feel?

easterisforbunnies · 07/03/2019 15:23

The things you listed are done to my dp by my dm and he wouldn't think much of it.
Women seem to find more issues because we are more emotional ( that's not a bad thing) and we think more of the meaning why a person act a certain way.
As a mother my self I wouldn't really put photo of my dc partners up, maybe one or two in general but if I had to choose out of the pictures it would be my dc's first.
Maybe that will change when the are older and have dp's.
I wouldn't get to worried, she doesn't have to be you bestie or cheerleader, only your dp does.

Zoeputthatdown · 07/03/2019 15:24

Sounds like you have tried to bridge the gap but she simply isn't interested.
Wonder if she was like this with his previous partner(s).

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2019 15:28

Loopeylou

Re your comment:-

"We go and visit MIL for weekend and not once does she ask us if we want anything to eat or drink".

My MIL acts the self same. As she does not want to drink or eat at the time she assumes that no-one else does or should do so either.

I was wondering if your partner has at all noticed his mother's overall lack of warmth here towards you.

BlueMerchant · 07/03/2019 15:30

You have THAT kind of MIL sadly. You've taken away her Son- she will never like you. She is second best to you-always will be in both your partner and children's eyes and she resents you for that.
I wouldn't try to befriend her. No gift or gesture could make her see you as anything other than a threat. Smile and be happy- it will annoy her no end.

TheArtfulScreamer1 · 07/03/2019 15:32

It doesn't read to me like she hates you or even actively dislikes you it just reads that she doesn't see her relationship as being with you only with your DH and she doesn't seem interested in cultivating a relationship with you, nothing you can do about that, you live your life and let her live hers. For what's it's worth I'd love my MIL to just contact my DH, she's a lovely women but she'll contact me asking a question he could answer but never thinks to just ask him.

IdaBWells · 07/03/2019 15:38

My MIL has volatile relationships with lots of people so I don't take it personally at all. She worships DH as her Golden Child and expects other people, such as his sister to act the same way. DH and I have a very happy marriage where we respect each other as adults. My MIL wants to be totally enmeshed or nothing. I prefer to be distant from her rather than behave that way. She wants to control everyone around her and I don't cooperate. I have never been knowingly unkind to her but she wants to be the third person in our marriage which DH and I obviously can't accept so of course she doesn't like me. However I think unless DH married a complete doormat she would never be able to accept his wife. In her mind she always thinks she should be more important to him than his wife and children and I should worship him like a God. So the bar was set very high Grin! She only wants women around him that pay constant homage like she does. It's a miracle he isn't a narcissistic fool! That's mostly because she also constantly guilt trips him and makes him feel like he's never good enough to be the idol she makes of him in her mind.

glitterypink · 07/03/2019 15:45

Honestly, I'd leave her to it.
My ex mother in law was the same to me.
I was nice to her, it was always me that bought her birthday/Christmas cards and gifts, I tried spending time with her etc, but in the end I just stopped bothering.
Sometimes you find that no one is good enough for their son, so don't pull yourself down over it.
I'd just keep away from now on as much as possible, your husband can still have a relationship with her but you don't have to.

ABC1234DEF · 07/03/2019 15:51

Partner either goes in kitchen and makes it or we order takeaway most of the time. How can you not offer your grandkids and food or drink?

If family or friends come here and expect to be served, they'll be going hungry. Family and friends help themselves here

Original poster
Loopeylou92 · 07/03/2019 15:57

Thanks so much again for your comments!
My partner definetly sees it but denies it. When i say anything he just brushes it off..
Last time we went to visit we told her we were all going to a soft play with partners brother and his daughter and she said to me make sure you get a photo of the 5 of them for me. I just smiled and agreed but when we we're at the soft play i said to partner i love how your mum made it clear she wanted a photo of just you 5 and not me in it. His reply was you can be in the photo if you want.. as if that was my point lol.
Ive never seen her like it with anyone else tbh. Partner has never had a girlfriend before me we met when we we're 20 we're now 25 but shes always loved her other sons girlfriend even after they split they kept in contact. So must just be me Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopeylou92 · 07/03/2019 15:59

ABC1234DEF - really? You wouldn't even offer just once just to be polite?

OP posts:
JenniferJareau · 07/03/2019 15:59

If family or friends come here and expect to be served, they'll be going hungry. Family and friends help themselves here

Yes but presumably at some point you have made them aware they are welcome to do that.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 07/03/2019 16:09

Can I post looking from the other side OP? I love my DH,he is my everything but I don't have anything in common (and I have tried really hard) with the rest of his family...sisters and inlaws etc..I dont think they think much of me either to be frank so thats ok all ways round...what I suppose I am trying to get at is I married him not them! They dont often feature in my orbit but when they do I am polite and can manage inane chat for a few hours then I forget about them as likely they do me!! And life is ok! No one is in a terrible situation we all just get on with it when our paths cross...the only thing we all have in common is him so I dont rubbish them I do whats required and imagine they do the same....its ok not to have a relationship as long as the person stuck in the middle i e DH isnt hurt about it and mine isnt ....