My mother in law hates me..

[Loopeylou92]

Well shes doesn't hate me as such but she just doesnt seem to like me much for no apparent reason! Does anyone elses MIL just dislike the for the sake of it?..

..Mine never texts me asking how the kids are just texts me partner, she never makes conversation with me or even hardly acknowledges me when we go to visit, i bought her a photo frame with 6 photo slots in for christmas and put 4 photos in of the kids and left the other 2 slots empty for her to put photos in herself. Of course she put in 2 of my partner and the kids but none with me in. Before christmas i was extremely ill (i mean like really ill) and to my shock she only texts me asking how i was because my partner told her she had to. Anyway I've tried different things to make her like me more, bought her flowers, little presents when we go to visit, making extra effort to make conversation ect. Nothing seems to work.. any advice please or shall i just expect it for what it is?

Doesn't sound like she doesn't like you. She simply doesn't see you have much in common or has much of an interest in you as a person. It's great she has a good relationship with her son. It means you with have the burden of keeping her in touch with the grandchild

Sallycinnamon - thats great advice! Everyone doesnt need to be bestfriends just friendly and civil when seeing eachother. I'll try and take that advice and put it into practice!

My mil has been mine 15+ years. I am the one that phones her to see how she is, my dh never does, in fact when it's nearly time for him to say Hi ,he will go off to the loo or will make a cup of tea. If she phoned us he will never pick up or will say for me to tell her he is out, or gardening etc. Yet he is the golden boy who can do no wrong.
When her husband was very ill ,I offered to go to hers ( 100 + plus miles ) and help her care for him,(she has a fear of doctors / hospitals ,so doesn't get medical help ) she declined but I later heard she would have accepted if my partner had offered ( not his father ) He did recover but died a few months later of neglect and no medical intervention

My exh mother Hated and I mean hated me from the get go! I stole her son and expected him to work and support his dc's. Lol
The next one she loved so much so they all went to festivals and drinking together until the new gf wanted to settle down. She then became controlling and so on. I only know this because my ex is a chatty Kathy and told my mother.
Now his current partner is told how she isn't allowed to be controlling like the others and he should still do him ( which includes DJing and drugs) but the dc's told me she wants a baby, she was cooing over a child but dad didn't look impressed and reply ' I know you've told me'.
So we shall see how long that last.

My point being that it's not who you are but what you change and prevent.
My own dm has at time made comments that we don't do as much as we use to before my dp, she forgets that I have 3 dc's and it's go f all to do with him.

Just ignore her and get on with your life, without her in it.

I loved my mother in law and called in on her most days.

My daughter in law hates me, I can live with that.

My MIL loves me. But until I threw a COMPLETE tantrum, involving the entire extended family, she didn't even think it was necessary to have my PHONE NUMBER (honestly, you couldn't make this stuff up). Her view was that she communicates with us via DH. which frankly, I'm happy with. But I pointed out that in an emergency she needs access to me...

She has a wedding photo of me and DH in her house. But all other photos are of DH/his siblings/ her grandchildren.

To be fair, I can't tell you if your MIL likes you or not, but I can tel you that even when she does, doesn't mean she thinks she needs an active relationship with you. In person, MIL and I get on absolutely fine. We chat, we hang out etc etc. But... the truth is that I'm there as her son's wife and her grandchildren's mother, not for myself. And I'm okay with that. i feel the same way about her.

My Dad had an aunt who was ore like a mother to him. She was always absolutely fine and nice to my mum and they had a broadly good relationship, but she had absolutely no interaction with my mother when they didn't actually spend time together, didn't send birthday cards etc.

It is what it is.

My MIL used to tell me she thought the world of me and DH (more me that him tbh).

Then she did a couple of horrible things that we let go because she was family but we did pull back, e.g started to ignore her birthday because we realised we had been spending £££s on her when we didn't even get a happy birthday text from her, let alone a card or gift.

She raised this with me, I told her the reason why. She doesn't like me anymore and has reduced contact to about once every 3 months.

It was incredibly liberating to be straight with her about it. Sometimes she will raise something with us that she's annoyed about; it's usually to do with us not impressing the neighbours/her family enough and I tell her, in quite a civil manner, that it's none of her business. Then we carry on our polite conversation as if it never happened.

She gets to tell people she sees and "loves" her grandkids. We can say we facilitate the relationship between them. Everyone's happy.

I'm really sorry OP but depending on the type of person she is you might be reading too much into it. Along the same vein as one of the posters above and on the subject of her just looking for a photo of the 5 ( which meant you weren't in it), she was just asking for a photo of her two sons and her grandkids in the same way I'd want one of my brother and sister and their kid's and my kids, but wouldn't mind if husbands/ wives were in.I get on great with them but it just wouldn't be a priority. As for the not getting you food/ drink, some people do that, she may just assumeyou'll muck in and get it yourself (as in you should feel enough at home). Hopefully anyway!

I think she senses you want to be liked, and that makes her confident that she can treat you badly. It's a control thing.

Start making excuses... but make sure the kids aren't going to be available too. Don't go for longer visits if she's going to be unwelcoming. Call her out if she does something obvious. And make it clear to your partner - she's a rude cow. Stop making excuses for her, or you're going to be in a fix when the kids are old enough to see it too and start to dislike someone who doesn't respect their mum.

Ten to one, if she sensed that she needed to keep on side with you in order to stay close to her grandchildren - YOUR kids - you'd see a marked change in behaviour. And I bet that's the driver with her 'liking' the other partners- she probably senses that if she treated them badly - they'd tell her where to go and she'd be the loser.

If you feel your DH doesn't have your back with his mother then withdraw completely. Don't be anyone's whipping boy.

Your husband is an insensitive,immature idiot who doesn't have your back because his face is so far up his mommy's ass he could perform a recital exam on her-leave them to it and don't bother cultivating a relationship with her.

I would say better you know op.
My mil played a good part, allowed me to let her into my dc's lives.
We had a ds and she dumped us all.
Was fucking fuming tbh.

Oh mine played sugar and spice and all things nice until I'd had three late miscarriages and had one ds. SIL one had one child and delivered twins on gas and air. "It's a relief that at least SIL1 can perform".

I continue to nod and smile 20 years on but my soul says "you fucking bitch" every time I see her. I detest the old bag and all her putty down passive aggression.

DH knows it but I have my dignity. I tolerate her in my house as dh's mother.

Great post sally ,
I think ye have settled into a manageable relationship so I don’t think you should rock the boat.

Why do you visit her every weekend? That's a lot. If I felt someone didn't like me, I wouldn't visit them that often.

Let him take the DC there on his own. You can go once a month.

I think it's inhospitable not to offer guests a drink, even if they are family.

When I go and see my DM, she doesn't have to get me a drink, but she'll tell me she's cooked xyz and to help myself.

She always asks if the GC have eaten too.

Stop buying her gifts and just be civil...make small talk with her and there won't be any contention.

I do think her comment about a picture of the 5 of you was insensitive and unpleasant.

We dont see her every weekend more like once every 3 months. Sorry if i made it come across that way. When we go to my parents she always does us food and drink even gets partners favourite beer in. MIL has loads of food and all sorts drinks at hers but not once do we get offered. Some people are just so peculiar.

Loopey you are a very lucky lady as you have a gorgeous Mum - she taught you how to be a warm lovely Mum and you thought all other Mums are the same. So you are now learning that this isn’t the case.

The most important lesson you can learn now is to spot and swerve difficult people. Only surround yourself with people who treat you well and make you feel happy.

Don’t waste your headspace worrying about her - just know what it is, accept it, detach and move on.

I spent my whole adulthood tap dancing to my MIL - trying to please her and get her to like me - it took up a lot of my time and emotions. I took her on holidays, to theatre, did loads with the kids etc - through out she was distant, cold and passive aggressive to me - sneered at every thing I did.

All of those precious holidays, trips, days out, emotions could have been spent with nice people - especially my own gorgeous Mum. Then the world changed my own Mum died suddenly in her 50’s. MIL continued being a bitch. I have so many regrets. Then I woke up and just stopped seeing my MIL - I had to take myself out of punching distance and emotionally protect myself.

You are lucky that you are questioning it now. Don’t be me. Hang out with the nice people who cherish and nourish you - teach your children to do the same.

My MiL & SiL hated me & ended up being instrumental in the breakup of me & my ex, be careful, my advice is ignore the ignorant bitch and get on with YOUR life concerning people who do love and appreciate you x

If it were me I wouldn't visit her. I'd let Dh and the kids off to visit and have a well earned day to myself. She's not going to miss you, you get a day of peace and everyone wins. You could do an occasional visit at Christmas or Easter just to be polite but otherwise I'd step away.

Not visiting ils when they are awful is extremely liberating op!!
Make the decision and taste the freedom!!

Don't try so hard OP. She obviously doesn't appreciate you and it's just mentally exhausting trying so hard to be nice to someone who can't be bothered. Perhaps some of the days your DP/DH visits you can have time to yourself or with friends instead and be in a more positive place instead.

You're all so right! Hit the nail on the head.
Think i just needed to hear it out loud.

another20 -i am so sorry to hear about your mum. Mums are so special and we sometimes take them for granted.

Wise words from @FizzyGreenWater. So true! Fucked up... but true.

Love this too from @another20:

Hang out with the nice people who cherish and nourish you - teach your children to do the same.