Any armchair psychologists want to help me with this?

[Louisssa]

I have spoken to a counselor and friends about this but they keep telling me there's nothing wrong with me, but on the basis that I don't really believe in ongoing coincidences I feel quite sure there actually is something wrong and wanted some completely unbiased feedback.

Every single meaningful relationship I have ever had, has ended with the man walking out on me with me having absolutely no idea it was coming. In each case, the man subsequently falls apart, takes many years to recover, and deeply regrets it. Of course none of that changes the outcome and as I am now in my mid forties I would really just like to find love that I can rely on so I want to understand this.

The first one, we were together for four years but did not live together as we were quite young at the time and at university. He sprang it on me one day that it was over an that was that. A year later he came back regretting, and actually when I saw him 10 years later he said it was his biggest mistake and he never stopped loving me, but he still make that choice.

The second one, I was late twenties and we were together for five years. We did live together and we were also engaged and one day he just came to me and told me he was leaving and the same day it was all over. He also came back to me around six months later regretting it and blaming stress in his life. I hear he never got over it and has never met anyone else.

The third one, I went into in my early forties, with a great deal of trepidation. As we grew closer, I made a concerted effort to do a regular relationship health check and he always assured me he was very happy and things were great. Then again, after a year of a wonderful relationship, out of nowhere he declared himself to have overstated his readiness for commitment and left, again, all on the same day.

So the similarity with all three situations was that the relationships were, I believed, extremely happy. Lots of laughs, best friends, great sex, everyone happy and then boom all over in one day. No lead up, no warning signs, no waning affection or bickering. Just gone. He is now, just a few weeks later already questioning himself.

I have had short relationships and dates in between, and been single for years also recovering from these blows but these are the three men I have loved, and of course now I am feeling like giving up and that I can't trust anyone.

I have asked myself what similarities there were with all three relationships. I suppose we didn't argue (I accept that can be a bad thing) but I did thing we communicated about everything. I felt exceptionally loved and valued and as if they were particularly "good" men, not the type to do this and no history before or since of behaving that way.

The first man was horribly good looking and funny and very loving. He was able to talk to me about anything and everything and was popular, friendly and successful.

The second man was much softer, sillier, a lot less good looking and probably the one you'd count as "Mr Nice Guy" who everyone loved and who was always smiling and happy.

The third man was more serious, quiet, reserved and very brainy. Not one to speak his emotions easily and very thoughtful and dependable.

So very different men.

All three reacted differently during disputes or problems and the first and last ones were very good at positive conflict resolution, so I can't see any reason they would have "hid" being unhappy from me (or even how they could have?)

I hear stories of friends who's marriage is in trouble, and they argue, sleep in separate beds or start marriage counselling and I almost feel envious, as if I was cheated out of any opportunity to "work" or fight for my relationships, as the ones I have treasured most just disappeared without any input from me or even a chance to sort it out.

In none of these cases were other women involved. They always just decided they didn't want me anymore. They later changed their minds, but that's not really helpful.

I really want a loving, permanent relationship. I really want to feel that trust, but I am really confused by the world right now. I am not sure how to get through this, or how I am going to do this for a fourth time if I am feeling all the time like the person lying next to me on the pillow is going to disappear again.

I am strong and resilient and positive, but I feel very alone and like I always will be. Other people's partners don't do this (or at least maybe one does, but not all of them).

Can anyone help me?

I really don't think it's anything to do with you. If there were no other women involved they probaby just craved the excitement of those early heady days of lust, and then when they left you after a while they realised that it's not as great as they thought. I honestly think it's that simple. People always think the grass is greener, but it isn't, you just have to water your own grass.

Don't overthink, relationships just break down sometimes, and obviously none of those men were the right one for you.

Hi, just my opinion but I think you sound great and maybe they thought you were too good to be true too soon and things were maybe 'too safe' if that makes sense.

Well it's only 3 relationships in more than 20 years so from a very simple scientific perspective it's just not enough data.

I see women every day who have very high standards for themselves, are incredibly hard on themselves and blame everything that happens in relationship on them.

3 slightly useless boyfriends don't mean it's you

And when you say you had no idea I sort of wonder if you were being demanding enough in the relationship as it went along ?

Thank you. I was wondering too about being demanding. I am pretty easygoing, loving and positive and wonder if that makes me not desirable or something? I would say I don't tolerate any kind of unpleasant behavior and all my partners have been very loving and devoted so I was never really given reason. I do just dump men at the very first sign of any unpleasant behavior (like not calling, hot and cold, flirting with others or anything men might do) so the ones I commit to, I do so once I feel sure they are good guys and very committed.

With all three on the occasions I have become upset, rare but it happens, they have always jumped up and sorted it out and made clear they were sorry. I am not sure what else I can do to be honest.

The last relationship was the only one I had any hint. I noticed a couple of months before that he'd pulled away a bit and I raised it with him three times and on all three occasions he told me nothing was wrong and then ramped up affection and attention to compensate which made me think maybe I was being paranoid (due to my history). Overall he seemed so "into me" that I tried to dismiss that he was quieter etc. than normal. Not much I can do if people can't be honest when being asked a direct question.

I know it's only three relationships over 20 years, but those are the only three I have had. And the big gaps have been down to the amount of pain they caused me and how hard it was to get back on the horse.

In each case, the man subsequently falls apart, takes many years to recover, and deeply regrets it.

How do you know this?

they tell me / others tell me

Emotions are not logical. I would actually say your wasting energy fixating on this for such a long time. Are you very sensible, compliant and nice? Because as much as it’s a few paragraphs that’s how you come across.

I’m naturally a defiant sort of a person and very questioning. We all have our personalities and we are moulded subconsciously against our will. We can try and do things out of our natural sphere of behaviours but it always comes back to what we are really like. I would hazard a guess that you are a really nice, safe , logical and predicatable person, very reliable. I get the feeling you didn’t demand anything of them and it was all too predictable which means they got bored.

I’m not suggesting people should suddenly become horrible, demanding or incredibly difficult but being really incredibly nice, too nice can go against people sometimes.

So they finish with you and break your heart but you give them the time of day. See you ARE a very nice person but the continued contact helps perpetuate the headspace you are giving them.

If an ex whinged on how they had made a mistake and were all deeply regretful and wanted some sort of there there don’t worry and me to comfort them and validate them I would have been bloody livid. Where is our inner arsiness op?

I think I am very kind of loving, but wouldn't call myself "nice". I'd say more defiant, independent, questioning and emotional and not really all that logical most of the time. Most of them have been the more logical ones.

On a daily basis with my partner in a happy relationship, yeah, I am nice to them and do a lot of nice things for them and vice versa. I just can't work out how to be less nice if I am happy and have no reason not to be. It all seems a bit too complicated to me to be honest. If being loved requires me to pretend to be peed off when I am not then I really do give up.

I worry that maybe you're right though. I have friends who nag their husbands and get annoyed if they go out for a beer with mates and I have never been like that. I don't really care what they do as long as we have fun and love each other. If men find that unattractive then I guess I am doomed to be unappealing for the rest of my days.

cross posted there - adversecamber I have plenty of exes I haven't given the time of day to, but the ones who more or less disappeared me me without me ever understanding properly why, I have spoken to in the years following because I wanted to understand. I didn't take them back, so I don't think I am a doormat or anything. I just wanted the closure I never got. Most people's relationships aren't over in one day.

Armchair psychology here but I have the sense that you are so independent that these men think you don't need them?

Did you ask the exes why they left?

That’s what I’m saying we are who we are, I don’t think anyone wants to be nagged as such but for some it is a bit of a game. I certainly didn’t want a fiery arguing a lot relationship with constant low level sniping at each other but to never argue at all I cant imagine that. DH and I argue a couple of times a year. We do actually have freedoms and don’t restrict each other’s social lives, I think that’s healthy.

I don’t think you need to be less nice as such just maybe more assertive. If they wanted to eat at a certain type of food place and you didn’t like it really would you just agree? That’s more what I’m meaning about niceness levels.

A few thoughts based on your posts. Firstly, is it possible that you're quite high maintenance? I know you say you're not demanding, but you also say you've got rid of men at the first sign of poor behaviour. Are your standard unrealistic in terms of what constitutes poor behaviour, e.g. if a man doesn't text back immediately? Does it become hard work for men to live up to your high expectations?

Another possibility, might those men who have left without warning have some aspect of their personalities in common even though on the surface they seem different? E.g. are they are serial monogamists, going from one long term relationship to the next without committing permanently? Perhaps they're all sensation-seekers, looking for the next exciting thing to do? Or maybe they are all conflict averse, hence not telling you until the last minute that they're leaving.

Alternatively, might there something about yourself or your relationships that you're not seeing? Your posts suggests you view yourself as a pretty 'perfect' person and that your relationships were 'perfect' before the men left...could this really be true?

You mention that all the relationships in question were happy and that you had no idea what was coming.

Although generally happy, were you able to tackle difficult subjects, or to work through disagreements? Did you sometimes have rows and then make up? Or was everything good all the time?

I am just curious as to whether the men you had relationships with may have been avoidant in terms of emotional labour, which could have meant that the relationships felt happy because important stuff wasn't actually being dealt with.

The first one says he left because we were so young and we were at different universities and was too young to realise he wouldn't love the same way again. He did eventually marry but it was eighteen years later.

The second one says I was his entire world, but he blamed it on depression and that he hadn't processed pain from his divorce before me. As a note on that, he didn't tell me he had depression until a year after he had gone and it's now fairly well established among our friends that he's had severe mental health issues since he left me.

Third one says I am his perfect woman but he feels so much pain from past relationships he's scared to commit again as he's sure it will only end in more hurt and he just wants a few years to be alone and focus on himself.

No, I'm not a wallflower or anything. If I don't want to eat what they want, I do just say so. I let some thing go, but not everything and most of the time I am just happy so I don't have anything to moan about. I don't think I'm at all high maintenance (they've said that) but I do have high standards so don't date people unless they're giving clear signals they're a good person and will treat me right.

I think I just expect a normal amount of attention in the early stages to be honest. Regular, consistent calls and texts and regular, consistent dates and feeling like I am valued. If someone doesn't text me for 4 or 5 days then they can do one. But if they're just busy one day then that's fine. I suppose as long as I feel like they're respecting me and caring about me then it's fine. I make allowances for their communication style. So I think i expect a lot, but I give a lot and I'm not demanding but have fairly high self worth.

I think maybe all the men in question were perhaps conflict averse. We did smooth out conflicts but usually they would not really ever start a conflict with me if that makes sense. So I don't think any of them ever said "I don't like it when you _" which is weird I suppose?

I am a massively optimistic and happy person and count my blessings daily, so if I care about someone (friends too) then I see the best in them. So I do tend to see things as "perfect", whether it is a sunset or a meal in a restaurant! Maybe that's a flaw in me that I don't see things going wrong when they are? All that said, if I directly ASK the person and they tell me everything's rosy it's a bit tiring to be trying to super sleuth my way through relationships.

I have never really had a boyfriend that argued with me though or got annoyed at me for anything. Maybe that in itself is weird, but I have always been so turned off by aggression that maybe I have gone for people that are bad at expressing anything negative?

I am intrigued as to why (and how) the OP has sought details for years and years after the relationships end that the exes have fallen apart, taken years to recover and deeply regretted it.

How and why could this info be coming your way? Sounds like the emotion is played out after the split - with the OP maybe obsessing?

@MotherOfDragonite as you said that it rung very true. I don't think we dealt with important stuff because maybe I am so positive I don't get annoyed about stuff that other people might?

What did you do after each of these men left? Did you cut them off completely? Did you remain friends? Did you beg for them back? Just asking because a lot of times when a relationship becomes serious the men have a little bit of a freak out and decide they either have to propose or break up. I'm not staying at all that you pressured them, it's just a pressure they might be putting on themselves. So a lot of times they bail and they really regret it. A lot of my friends have had brief break ups before getting back together and getting married. Myself included. In my case, my bf at the time out of nowhere said that he didn't think we were truly happy and that we argued too much and so we broke up. But he still wanted to be friends and we talked almost daily and were back together within 2 months. I started casually seeing someone else during that time we were apart and my ex freaked out and that helped move things along with us getting serious again. I'm not trying to make this about me, I'm just saying that unfortunately this happens sometimes in relationships. It is possible to get past it and get back together.

@Louisssa Are you holding yourself back with these guys? Other than your first I suppose... You sound like you were seriously hurt by these guys and subsequently, you have 'held back' knowing they could break your heart and in some way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe because they sense you are not as 'into' the relationship as they are.

Also, what do you want now from your next relationship? You said you are in your early 40s. I am too. But I am divorced with children and I would say the person I am looking for now is completely different to my ex-husband who I married in my mid-twenties. When I was looking to settle down, I was looking for someone stable, financially and emotionally. Well, that turned out well. NOT!

I now look for someone who is emotionally available, is financially okay himself (I can provide for myself and my DCs so don't need someone else for that but I'm not looking to carry another person either!) and whom I get along and have a laugh with. I am dating someone really nice now (early days!) and in some ways, he is completely different from the person I thought I might date but I am more open I would say at my current life stage to dating people who I might not have considered say five years earlier. How flexible are you with that? And where did you meet your partners previously?

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, you sound really disheartened. I really empathise. My marriage broke up in 2013. I dated someone shortly afterwards which was a disaster as I just wasn't ready. Then I had some casual flings but only beginning of this year, decided I am going to just get on and do my own stuff, signed up to a whole lot of courses, got myself on a dating app (I hate them and been on and off for years) and have unexpectedly met someone really nice. But if this doesn't work, I'm crawling back into my hole!

The first one I was devastated but just left him alone. I met up with him lots of times over the following years though, but I was very young, it was my first love and strangely hurt the worst out of all of them as I think it was the relationship I was happiest in and least expected to lose because when you're young you're oblivious.

Second one I was devastated also but mostly confused as while the first one made some sense logically due to our age and different universities, the second one just seemed plain bizarre as I couldn't work out why someone proposes so enthusiastically and then changes their mind a few months later. I think I was traumatised, so I did chase after him for and explanation and I did more or less beg lots of times. Ashamed to say it, but we were engaged and it was all so humiliating and complicating with us having a house together and stepkids etc. It was just God awful and I couldn't believe it was happening because I thought he was madly in love. If I could turn back time I would have ignored him, but hindsight is a beautiful thing and I had zero dignity in that situation.

This third time, I just sat very quietly, listened and told him if he wanted that then goodbye. I was nice, and have left him alone and he is texting me now that he misses me and has asked if we can still "hang out" but I said "no".

I think with the third one, he's obviously having second thoughts but I would find it very hard to ever trust him again after I specifically asked him three times and he wasn't honest with me. I can't be feeling like someone is going to disappear. Of all of them, the third one is the one who generally has bad emotional communication skills and finds it very hard to talk to me

@TwoBoysTooMany76 I wish that were true, but once I have decided someone is right for me (which I admit takes a while as they are always the pursuer) then I do really love them and don't hold anything back.

I think what I want is someone who feels really easy in my company, easy conversation that flows, we enjoy doing things together, sexual chemistry obviously, affection, laughs, fun, loyalty. I don't need financial support or kids (I have one now that's nearly grown from a brief fling) and I don't need a ring on my finger. I'd just like to feel like someone had my back and I had theirs.

I sometimes watch TV at old people and envy that a bit. It'd be nice to have someone when I am 75 who remember me when I was 45. Sounds sentimentally mushy but I don't really want all these broken relationships.

All i will say with hindsight, is that man 2 and 3 had met me very shortly after divorces or separations and neither one had processed that so maybe that is why they did what they did. Realising they'd jumped in too soon.

Relationship 1: vast majority of relationships at your ages at the time end in break up.

Relationship 2: Still v high odds of break up for relationships of people in their later 20s, probably even higher because your ex had been married and divorced.

Relationship 3: after a year of dating he decided he didn’t want a longer term thing with you, which is fair enough.

@loopytiles lol, that actually simplfies it and is probably all true. I think what mystifies me is that the internet and other things says "men don't leave good relationships" and we're fed the idea something has to be wrong. Maybe it's as simple as they decide that while the relationship is great, they just don't want it.

I think you have your answers then, OP - and they all make sense - too young (plus distance), depression, too soon after divorce. The common thread is that they all ended the relationships without warning, and maybe that's simply because there wasn't anything wrong with the relationships, it really was a case in all three instances of 'it's not you, it's me' which is bad luck, but now you have to move on.