Any armchair psychologists want to help me with this?

[Louisssa]

I have spoken to a counselor and friends about this but they keep telling me there's nothing wrong with me, but on the basis that I don't really believe in ongoing coincidences I feel quite sure there actually is something wrong and wanted some completely unbiased feedback.

Every single meaningful relationship I have ever had, has ended with the man walking out on me with me having absolutely no idea it was coming. In each case, the man subsequently falls apart, takes many years to recover, and deeply regrets it. Of course none of that changes the outcome and as I am now in my mid forties I would really just like to find love that I can rely on so I want to understand this.

The first one, we were together for four years but did not live together as we were quite young at the time and at university. He sprang it on me one day that it was over an that was that. A year later he came back regretting, and actually when I saw him 10 years later he said it was his biggest mistake and he never stopped loving me, but he still make that choice.

The second one, I was late twenties and we were together for five years. We did live together and we were also engaged and one day he just came to me and told me he was leaving and the same day it was all over. He also came back to me around six months later regretting it and blaming stress in his life. I hear he never got over it and has never met anyone else.

The third one, I went into in my early forties, with a great deal of trepidation. As we grew closer, I made a concerted effort to do a regular relationship health check and he always assured me he was very happy and things were great. Then again, after a year of a wonderful relationship, out of nowhere he declared himself to have overstated his readiness for commitment and left, again, all on the same day.

So the similarity with all three situations was that the relationships were, I believed, extremely happy. Lots of laughs, best friends, great sex, everyone happy and then boom all over in one day. No lead up, no warning signs, no waning affection or bickering. Just gone. He is now, just a few weeks later already questioning himself.

I have had short relationships and dates in between, and been single for years also recovering from these blows but these are the three men I have loved, and of course now I am feeling like giving up and that I can't trust anyone.

I have asked myself what similarities there were with all three relationships. I suppose we didn't argue (I accept that can be a bad thing) but I did thing we communicated about everything. I felt exceptionally loved and valued and as if they were particularly "good" men, not the type to do this and no history before or since of behaving that way.

The first man was horribly good looking and funny and very loving. He was able to talk to me about anything and everything and was popular, friendly and successful.

The second man was much softer, sillier, a lot less good looking and probably the one you'd count as "Mr Nice Guy" who everyone loved and who was always smiling and happy.

The third man was more serious, quiet, reserved and very brainy. Not one to speak his emotions easily and very thoughtful and dependable.

So very different men.

All three reacted differently during disputes or problems and the first and last ones were very good at positive conflict resolution, so I can't see any reason they would have "hid" being unhappy from me (or even how they could have?)

I hear stories of friends who's marriage is in trouble, and they argue, sleep in separate beds or start marriage counselling and I almost feel envious, as if I was cheated out of any opportunity to "work" or fight for my relationships, as the ones I have treasured most just disappeared without any input from me or even a chance to sort it out.

In none of these cases were other women involved. They always just decided they didn't want me anymore. They later changed their minds, but that's not really helpful.

I really want a loving, permanent relationship. I really want to feel that trust, but I am really confused by the world right now. I am not sure how to get through this, or how I am going to do this for a fourth time if I am feeling all the time like the person lying next to me on the pillow is going to disappear again.

I am strong and resilient and positive, but I feel very alone and like I always will be. Other people's partners don't do this (or at least maybe one does, but not all of them).

Can anyone help me?

I am strong and resilient and positive, but I feel very alone and like I always will be

I wonder if you are creating subconscious patterns. You are strong & resilient, independent. You don't need anyone. And you have a belief that you will always be alone. These may add up to a pattern that you are subconsciously repeating.

For example - in your choice of man - although on the surface they sound different man 2 & 3 sound quite needy and possibly vulnerable when you met them. They may be attracted to your strength & resilience, and you maybe become their rescuer? The role of rescuer comes to an end, and you are no longer needed?

So look at the patterns in your beliefs, the type of men you are choosing, and in your role within those relationships.

BTW you sound rather like me. I have similar pattern going on. I am very independent but also want someone to love & care for me - a juxtaposition between independence & neediness. Which means I sometimes 'press to test' subconsciously.

@Louisssa, I really don't think you sound like there is anything wrong with you. I have had more than three significant relationships but to be honest, I don't ever look back and analyse what went wrong. I can see on hindsight what was wrong with every relationship that has ended since I started dating and I have very little regret when it comes to my relationships, I firmly believe you learn something about yourself with each one and you move on. Sometimes shit just happens and there is no explanation.

I also completely get you about having someone who has your back. I don't have family in this country so that is really apparent. I am running a race this Sunday and I feel a bit sad that no one will be cheering me on (my kids are with their Dad). But my au pair (bless his little heart!) has said he is going to come and cheer me and the new man has offered to as well. So we shall see...

Don't see these failed relationships as failings on your part. No matter how nice you are (if I had a pound for every person who has said to me 'I can't believe you are still single...' is the last few years, I would be rich!), it's no guarantee you will fall in love. I believe falling in love and being successful in a relationship is a lot down to luck too but at the same time, sending out 'good vibes' to the universe...

Good luck!

OP the reasons you state for the relationships ending further into the thread all sound perfectly valid - so you have your answers.

I honestly think this is just a case of too much navel-gazing. Those relationships are over, don't label yourself as somebody who can't maintain a relationship - just move on.

Armchair psychology here but I think you are unconciously picking men that are not willing to commit. Maybe it is not being able to recognise this in your partners behaviour early on. Its not about your chatacteristics per say. I say this from my own experience. I have been in an unhealthy relationship and did not recognise it for years, because my family shared similar traits. Its important to understand what a good and healthy relationship is. Plus what your boundaries are. For example it could be sth small, say in a long distance relationship the amount of times you expect to talk to them etc. Being easy going can sometimes mean that you are not picking up on their behaviour as you are happy within yourself.

Armchair psychology here but I think you are unconciously picking men that are not willing to commit.

This is what I was going to say.

I just think its a long-term relationship thing - every long term relationship I have had (4) the men have done the exactly same thing i.e. coming back after a period. I see it more as men wanting their cake and eating it too i.e. the novelty of being single had worn off and they missed some attention. I honestly believe if I had ever gotten back with them it would not have lasted.

Thanks everybody, I think it's really helped clear my mind. First one was probably a classic case of meeting too young. Other two were newly divorced and not ready. I think I always just thought no one would leave a good relationship and so I have always felt there was a shortcoming in me that no one told me about.

I think writing this has made me see that's wrong, and sometimes people do leave really good relationships and then regret it later when they fail to replace it with something better and feel lonely.

I still maintain that they weren't honest with me and should have been, but I am probably basing that on my own open and honest communication skills and maybe neither of those men had them. Their divorces sounded very much like years of not communicating and being miserable, so maybe they were just men with issues.

I agree the last two obviously weren't ready to commit, although I personally think that's slight BS in a sense as if you meet the right person you just shake it off and get on with it on the basis of life being short, but obvs not everyone shares that philosophy. I'd also prefer they'd had the self awareness to realise that before I was years into a relationship with them.

I will try and move ahead now avoiding anyone newly divorced and try and look for really good communication skills so at least I am not blindsided again. Thanks for making me feel a bit more positive.

My feeling is that there is something about an inability to tackle emotions here. Maybe on the men's side more than yours, in which case the question is why you feel drawn to men who can't express difficult emotions or perhaps authentic feelings generally? While things feel superficially positive, there are other things going on under the surface that aren't being raised or dealt with (for example the ex with depression). This is probably to some extent because there is something in you that is attracted to emotionally avoidant men, but perhaps partly also because there is something about the relationship dynamic that you play a part in creating that also doesn't enable these things to be expressed.

I think that you could usefully explore your feelings around trust and fear, and with those two things in mind, consider what your deepest and most meaningful relationships have been in life (with family? friends? partners? role models?) and what has contributed to making them meaningful.

Yes, you are right to identify that they weren't honest with you. The surprise element of the relationships ending is the thing that they all have in common. That is where you have a pattern recurring, and I suspect that on some level you have played a part in making that pattern happen -- whether it is through your choice of partners or your part in the relationship dynamic.

I’m wondering what your family background was like- in particular your mum and dads telatuonship, your relationship with your dad and any other significanr men in your life?

All I can tell you is that if I am drawn to emotionally troubled men I'm not aware of it. First one was your average bloke, very easily expressed all his emotions but within the average range of a sensitive guy. Second one was the most emotional person I have ever met and cried at the drop of a hat but never got angry. Third one was very stoic and uncomfortable talking about anything emotional.

They didn't seem similar at all, unless it's completely subconscious.

My parents didn't get on, very angry house with lots of fights so I have always been attracted to happy, loving relationships rather than ones where the kids would be hiding under the duvet at all the shouting. But I don't think that's made me attracted to anything weird, but more than people treating their partner like their best friend was always my relationship goal.

Relationship with my Dad is okay I guess, he's very distant.

Louisssa that toxic blueprint of your parents relationship will not have served you well. Sounds like you seek to achieve the opposite and that is not balanced.

You could also have been left with an unconscious emotional injury being brought up in that environment.

Maybe seek some counselling to unpick your childhood and parents marriage - this will be more illuminating and productive going forward - as you will learn about yourself - which you can adapt - rather than dissecting decades old past relationships which you can’t change - but being preoccupied with them is holding you back from a positive future.

@Louisssa, I really think you are over-analysing your past relationships... All the guys I have dated in my past have been completely different. And all the relationships have ended in a myriad of ways. If I were to go through each one with a fine-toothed comb to try and analyse what was wrong, I would literally go crazy. I'm not saying don't learn anything from your relationship failures, take the most valuable lesson(s) from them and move on. It doesn't matter a single s* that those men who have failed in their relationships with you have NOT moved on. It doesn't prove that their relationship with you was 'perfect' until they made the mistake of leaving you. You really don't know what has gone on since they left you. If a man wants to be with you, they will be with you... And you will work through whatever difficulties you may face.

And I am not saying this from a position of having figured it out, I haven't and I am still muddling my way through... Last year I embarked on a very ill-fated crush/FWB situation with a younger guy and tried to convince myself with every little meaningful thing he said that he wanted to be with me except for this or that reason... The painful truth as I came to realise is that he did not care for me more than a FWB. Ouch, that hurt. But there you go... I am convinced one day he will meet someone closer to his age, who has no kids and no doubt he will fall in love and get married. I'm just not the one and sometimes that's hard to admit to yourself.

I think at this point, you need to be open-minded and I don't mean to take s* from guys. But date people you might not have considered previously because of a, b and c. Life is not a checklist. Definitely have some points you will not compromised on but have good reasons behind them and then just try and date to have fun and see what happens. Good luck!

It's three relationships, I think you are totally over thinking this.

People leave relationships for many reasons. The fact it happened suddenly means nothing. No one ever leaves on a whim, they usually know for some time.

I think you have to let this go.

Thank you everyone.

I think it's when people say "No one ever leaves on a whim, they usually know for some time." that this is the fundamental thing that sends chills down my spine.

I know it's easier to say it, but imagine knowing all three of the men you loved in your life wanted to leave you and you didn't notice! It's not the best feeling, particularly when you play out the scenarios.

The most recent one, who as you say (and I accept it's true) must have planned leaving for a while. In my head, I play it back and yes I did think he was quiet and maybe not spending as much time with me as usual, but the time he did spend was totally normal, loving boyfriend time.

I wondered if I was just mad and literally have no skills whatsoever for reading people, but last night I went over text messages from the past month. He messaged me many times every day, messages at midnight on NYE to say he loved me, messages to ask if I was home safe, messages to say how glad he was that he found me, him saying how he misses my face, him saying stuff he wanted to do in the summer.

Next thing I know he's crying and saying he isn't ready and can't do it again and I am staring open mouthed in complete disbelief.

I think maybe these two men have just made me feel a bit like I have gone mad because they have been so incredibly dishonest with me. And then realising they have been dishonest doesn't make me feel better because I trusted them and it shows I am a bad judge of who to trust. I realise that's a part of life you have to accept but it doesn't feel very nice when you're in it or make you feel very positive about humans and the safety of getting close to people.

Anyway, enough moaning! thanks all for listening, I will read all this over lots of times and get back on the proverbial horse hopefully a little wiser.

Another thing to remember - everybody has a history of ‘failed’ relationships before they find their ‘forever’ one. If you judged me on my ‘previous’ there are some absolute horrors! But I am now happily married and have been for almost 20 years - so I think I can safely assume it wasn’t down to some major personality flaw on my part.

You just haven’t met yours yet - but you will. Just try to relax and stop analysing so much

Men, based on what I read on here, seem to leave good relationships all the time. Normally for someone else.

For what it’s worth OP, I think you sound lovely, and I hope you meet someone extremely excellent soon.

It could just be coincidence that your relationships ended the same way and you are over-analysing. On the other hand I do think it’s odd that they all left you without warning and you thought everything was hunky dory. None of my relationships have ended that way.

What also stood out was that you said they all doted on you. I wonder why they did that even though they obviously had doubts that they kept to themselves.

Btw my relationship history is completely different from yours. Personally never had anyone dote on me. Also Lots of arguing and endings that were a long time coming but then dramatic.

I do think it’s common for men to want to come back.

I think the 2nd and 3rd chose you as you come across as independent strong and not needy and so you could be their rebound person and they assumed you would be ok in the longer term, no matter what emotional crap they thew your way. Did you ever lose your shit with either of them, give them an earful of your pain?

Having been a rebound person / emotional crutch myself for a man getting over a previous relationship, I know that pain.

I mean, after NY, did you just take all that and do nothing?

Maybe some counselling will help you work it out.

How is it overthinking when all 3 very established relationships ended very suddenly, in one day? Ffs, that's trauma material.

I would suggest it has zero to do with you as a person, all to do with them as people. But, perhaps, something in you is calling out to men who'd do something like this.

Which means therapy. Please don't dig around on your own to find out what it could be, it will increase the trauma, drive you mad and drag your self esteem through the mud, which is the very last thing you need. This is a time for a professional to guide you with great care to find out what inner beliefs you have hidden in your subconscious that once helped you but are not only no longer working for you but are actually hindering you.

I for one am very sorry this has happened to you three times. It must be crazily painful

Overanalysis is the death of relationships.

A relationship is like a plant. If you keep digging it up to inspect the roots, it will never grow.

You are too introspective. Stop inspecting the roots.

Nobody knows what someone else is thinking. Nobody can really predict what someone is going to say or do.