Am l having an emotional affair

[Confused6868]

I am married. He is married. We work together in the same organisation, but actually work together closely on a project one day a week. We text throughout the day, at evenings and weekends. We share the same sense of humour and make each other laugh. I will often show my dh his texts and he does the same with his wife. There has never ever been anything flirty or inappropriate in our texting or in person. If dh saw my phone there would be nothing there to cause alarm, apart from possibly the sheer volume of texts.
The reason l am asking is because yesterday he didnt text me for quite a few hours, and l was aware l felt really miffed, and then really happy when he finally got in contact. My friends think this might be headed into dangerous territory.....l dont think so, but l thought l would canvas opinion. My friend asked if l fancied him, and l had to stop and think....l dont know what else, if anything, l feel for him apart from friendship.
As a disclaimer, l should add that l 9nly have female friends really, and have no other male friendships with which to guage this by

Er yeah. This is going nowhere good. But I think its too late for you to reverse now...

Poor boundaries and unprofessional, at best.

Usually if you have to ask you have the answer.

I am not sure its unprofessional. I have female colleagues who l now count as very good friends....we socialise, go on holiday etc.
This level of contact has been going on for a year, and there has been no change....it remains friendly and non flirtatious.
Reading threads here, l was always slightly of the opinion that if you wouldnt be happy to show your dh the messages then you have crossed a boundary somehow. I would be perfectly happy for my dh to see my phone

At what stage does friendship cross the line, l suppose is what l am asking.

I think it crosses the line when he doesn't text for a few hours, you get really miffed & then really happy when he does eventually text. Not in terms of what's happening/being said or texted but in terms of your emotional reaction/investment.

WhyteNoise
Thats a really helpful way of looking at it actually. I wouldnt have felt miffed if one of my female friends hadnt texted for a while.
Yes, my emotional investment in this is possibly what changes it from friendship to something else. This is all very very new territory for me. All l know is that l dont want an affair, and l would be mortified if his wife viewed me as some kind of predator

It’s unprofessional IMO to be texting colleagues of either sex frequently during the working day.

Loopytiles
I do get where you are coming from, but this is something that happens quite a bit in my workplace. In this respect lots of my colleagues and l are all guilty.

I think if you have to ask yourself that question, then yes, you're entering into dangerous waters.

It doesn't matter if it's innocent texting. Unless you treat all of your friends this way, and text them all for hours at night - he is different. When your mood and happiness starts depending on contact - you need to take a step back. This is time time you should be jointly investing in your marriages, not texting each other. He is a work colleague. Possibly could be a friend regardless of his sex but right now you are treating him differently to your friends, so yes I would say you're in very dangerous territory.

Thankyou for all your opinions. I genuinely never gave this a second thought until l realised my reaction to not hearing from him, was different compared to if l hadnt heard from one of my girlfriends.
I am sure he only views me as a friend, but nonetheless l need to retreat. I have zero interest 8n having an affair of any kind....l cant stress this enough!

Probably about the time you get annoyed when a married man doesn’t contact you for a little while! You need to put a stop to this, but I suspect from your post that you’re already in over your head and don’t want to stop.

Your friends are asking if you fancy him and you had to think. You’re texting him a lot and it’s probably eating into his family time. His wife maybe asked him to shut the phone off for a few hours because she’s sick of him always texting and ignoring her/their kids if they have them.

Deathgrip
I'm sorry if l wasnt clear...l really dont want things to get messy or complicated. I have an option of pulling out of our joint project and l might do that. I cant stress enough that l wouldnt want an affair, so the thought that l may be inadvertently heading towards something concerns me. I am absolutely going to take a step back. Thankyou everyone for your replies

Just be prepared that it may be more difficult than you expect, if you’re already feeling emotional if he doesn’t contact you for a while. I think putting boundaries in place is a good idea - you don’t necessarily have to stop working together but the contact outside of work / about work needs to be heavily curtailed. If neither of you have feelings for the other then there’s no reason you can’t be friends but I’m not sure that’s the case if you’re both honest with yourselves.

You say you would be happy for your dh to see your phone yet you also say he would be alarmed by the sheer volume of texts - which is it ?

Yeah....the fact that l am questioning my feelings about him is clearly not right, is it. If you'd have asked me a year ago if l fancied him, l would have said absolutely not. Now, l really dont know the answer to that question. This is a shift in my feelings thats kind of crept up on me, and tbh, l dont want it. If l am being honest, l think l will miss the constant contact, but the thought of straying into affair territory really frightens me for lots of reasons.

I would be more than happy for dh to see all the texts...there is nothing untoward about any of them...but yes, he might question why there were so many....

I don't know. You say that you definitely don't want an affair and ypubdont think of him that way. I am very close to my female friends and there will usually be one that i message more than others at any given time, usually if I'm spending more time with that friend for whatever reason.

I think that you should continue working together and being friends but if you're worried then cut down on the texting.

Try reading Shirley Glass's 'Not just friends' she found that friendships that become something more are the most frequent kind of affair.
Suddenly you discover you have feelings for each other and can't turn them off.

Would you tell your husband you are possibly attracted to him and are on tenterhooks waiting for him to call. And that you might, only might, think about not working with him anymore.

Are you an ego boost for him to does he fancy you? I bet he doesn’t show his wife texts and I doubt you are the first.

Lemon TT
I am not on tenterhooks, but yes, l was a bit miffed when l didnt hear from him.
He does show his wife my texts...he frequently mentions her, as l do my dh. But yes of course, l wouldnt tell my dh l was confused about my feelings for another man.
I have no idea if he fancies me or not. Like l said, the content of the texts is entirely innocent and hasnt changed over the course of a year, its just the volume of texts thats noteworthy.
I absolutely need to take a step back. The more l think about it, the more l realise my feelings are not as straightforward as l thought. I am quite shocked that l may not be the person l always thought l was.....a very very uncomfortable feeling

I think you've done the right thing by coming on here. No it doesn't sound like an emotional affair but the volume of texts is an issue and it sounds like you do have feelings.

I'd just cut back on the messaging. Tell him you are giving up social media for lent, or if not religious that you're cutting down. Lengthen the time in between messaging and don't initiate and it will die down.

You are developing emotional intimacy with this man.