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Relationships

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Original poster

Sex and dating in middle age

45 replies

QandAsk · 06/03/2019 22:28

I’m 40 something, have had numerous flings since the age of 18 and 4 longterm relationships from the til now.

In my teens I would follow the pattern of: meet guy; fancy guy; wait desperately for guy to ask me out; if guy asked me out, dream about making love and making babies, living happily ever after.

In my 20s, the pattern would be: meet a guy; fancy guy; go on date; start shagging; shag like there’s no tomorrow for several months; end relationship/get serious depending on the relationship.

In my 30s pretty much the same as 20s.

Now in my 40s it’s more like: meet someone I’m attracted to; quiz him to within an inch of his life and if he appears (after brutal interrogation) not to be a psychopath, start regular dating; enjoy going on long walks and fishing as dates; spend most of our intimate times cuddling and yes, having mind blowing sex but only once or twice a month because that’s all he can cope with at 45 and slightly overweight.

Is this sad or normal?

OP posts:

MakeAWhish · 06/03/2019 22:30

It's not sad. I think that sounds quite wonderful, actually.

Original poster

QandAsk · 06/03/2019 22:45

Thanks @MakeAWhish. That makes me feel a bit better. But there’s part of me that thinks we should be having more sex. I mean, in my twenties at the early stages of a relationship we were doing it 2,3,4 times a day! Whereas with this new fella (7 months) the most we ever did was a weekend of non stop sex the first month we got together and since then once or twice a month if I’m lucky.

But he is so lovely and kind and caring and everything I would want in a life partner that it feels churlish to make this an issue.

OP posts:

Mintychoc1 · 06/03/2019 22:54

Normal!

Lacypants · 06/03/2019 22:55

I'm 32 and would be happy with once or twice a month tbh

FiddleFaddleDingDong · 06/03/2019 22:58

Once or twice a month seems paltry to me. Incompatible sex drives can be a relationship killer. After months or years of unhappiness that is.

Not trying to be too much of a wet blanket, just the way I see it.

NotTheFordType · 06/03/2019 22:58

Does he have any health issues apart from being slightly overweight? That in itself should have no bearing on his libido. But if he has high blood pressure, is diabetic, has chronic pain, is on anti-depressants, all of those can lower libido considerably.

Or - he may simply have a much lower sex drive than average.

There is no way I'd stay in an exclusive relationship with that little sex. I would tell him that I'd be dating and fucking other people. We could either do DADT or full disclosure or something in between. Or he could choose to walk away.

He may well be a lovely guy, but this sounds more of a friendship where he throws you the ocassional bone than a romantic relationship.

LMNOhh · 06/03/2019 22:59

You're funny 😂
I'm sorry but I have no helpful advice but I look forward to reading the other replies as I feel they might also be helpful to me !
I am starting to think that I'm a 40yr old, sex crazed nymph, who is single and desperately looking for a partner in crime, but I know people in there 50's who are still at it like teenagers so don't give up hope.
Have you tried taking to him ... quietly whilst fishing perhaps 😉

Original poster

QandAsk · 06/03/2019 22:59

What makes you say it’s normal @mintychoc1?

Am I in denial about frequency of sex in middle age?

OP posts:

FiddleFaddleDingDong · 06/03/2019 23:01

Once or twice a month in a long term relationship sounds depressing enough, but in the early months of a relationship? Nopety nope.

FoggyFeb · 06/03/2019 23:03

Any sex sounds good to me.

Original poster

QandAsk · 06/03/2019 23:04

Ok, how old is everyone on this thread?! I feel like it’s relevant.

I m only interested in over 40s commenting on the frequency of sex bit!

Under 40s, oh how I miss my youth and endless shagging boyfriends

OP posts:

FiddleFaddleDingDong · 06/03/2019 23:05

Original poster

QandAsk · 06/03/2019 23:08

I should add that this has been the average frequency from men I’ve dated since hitting 40-ish for me. I tried dating younger men in my late thirties but whilst the sex was more frequent, the relationships didn’t work out for other reasons.

OP posts:

LMNOhh · 06/03/2019 23:09

46 😊

TemporaryPermanent · 06/03/2019 23:12

I'm 49. I have one lover around my age and fit as a butcher's dog who I'm meeting about once a month - I crave seeing him so much that I started hooking up casually with other men to distract myself from him. It's all very infrequent because it takes ages to make a connection and actually meet, but the sexting and build up are incredibly hot every time.

I wouldn't want an actual relationship at all that involved 2x a month at the beginning. That's where dh and I were after 15 years - it's ok but it sounds like it's not the sex life you want. Beware.

Original poster

QandAsk · 06/03/2019 23:12

Have you tried taking to him ... quietly whilst fishing perhaps 😉

Oh goodness! I actually misread that as “whilst fisting perhaps...”

Seems I have sex on the brain more than I realise

OP posts:

LMNOhh · 06/03/2019 23:12

Don't tell me that as I'm looking for the complete package with the sex drive of an 25yr old 😂

Original poster

QandAsk · 06/03/2019 23:13

Me too it seems @LMMOhh 😂

OP posts:

MumsyJ · 06/03/2019 23:15

Bloody hell, once or twice a month? Any reason for the cut down?

To me, it isn't normal ( yup blame it on my high sex drive). Unless there's maybe health issues involved OP?

LMNOhh · 06/03/2019 23:16

🤣🤣🤣
What is wrong with these men who aren't interested in sex at such a youngish age ?!?

Crustaceans · 06/03/2019 23:17

I’m under 40 but the BF is 40. Does that fit the criteria?

I think the real question is: are you happy? It doesn’t really matter if everyone else is having sex like 20-somethings if you’re satisfied with what you’ve got. But if you’re feeling like it’s bit enough, then it may well be an issue. And one of those issues that tends to grow over time.

Original poster

QandAsk · 06/03/2019 23:27

I’m not sure to be honest. We’re both closer to 50 than 40 and I don’t know how I’ll feel once I hit menopause. Whether it will be an issue that grows over time is dependent on that I think.

OP posts:

Stunn · 07/03/2019 07:11

If you're not happy with that now, I doubt it's going to change so perhaps have a rethink.

There are men and women out there who prefer sex more often. My partner and I are 48 and we have sex 4-5 times a week.

BorsetshireBlew · 07/03/2019 07:20

I'm 38 but have mostly been dating/shagging men over 40-45 for several years now.
I've come across (fnar) quite a few who have trouble getting or staying hard but I've realised they were all smokers/heavy drinkers and that doesn't help! However I've never met a guy that wasn't into regular sex even if the equipment wasn't quite up to scratch. I wouldn't put up with twice a month. At least not in a monogamous relationship

Michaelbaubles · 07/03/2019 07:24

DP is 40 and has no issue keeping up with my, er, “pace of life” - we do go on walks and watch some tv but spend as much time in bed as possible. I’d rather be single than with someone I had to coax into sex - that’s the main point of a relationship for me at this stage of my life (nearly 40!). I’ve been married, had my kids, done the whole long/slow relationship thing. Time for some fun, surely?

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