Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Sex and dating in middle age

45 replies

QandAsk · 06/03/2019 22:28

I’m 40 something, have had numerous flings since the age of 18 and 4 longterm relationships from the til now.

In my teens I would follow the pattern of: meet guy; fancy guy; wait desperately for guy to ask me out; if guy asked me out, dream about making love and making babies, living happily ever after.

In my 20s, the pattern would be: meet a guy; fancy guy; go on date; start shagging; shag like there’s no tomorrow for several months; end relationship/get serious depending on the relationship.

In my 30s pretty much the same as 20s.

Now in my 40s it’s more like: meet someone I’m attracted to; quiz him to within an inch of his life and if he appears (after brutal interrogation) not to be a psychopath, start regular dating; enjoy going on long walks and fishing as dates; spend most of our intimate times cuddling and yes, having mind blowing sex but only once or twice a month because that’s all he can cope with at 45 and slightly overweight.

Is this sad or normal?

OP posts:

ArgyMargy · 07/03/2019 07:27

What's "normal" to me is to do what suits you, rather than comparing yourself to others on the internet or something you've read in a magazine. If you haven't realised by now that we're all different and no-one is "right", that's a bit odd for someone in their forties. If you want more sex, find someone who also wants more sex or get a second/third lover etc etc.

azulmariposa · 07/03/2019 07:34

My dp is 45 and and I'm under 40. Average is once or twice a week. I'd like more sometimes, but it's not a deal breaker.

I'd rather quality over quantity!

nometal · 07/03/2019 07:37

I don't think age has much to do with it. I'm 57, slightly overweight and not particularly fit. We manage around four times a working week and usually once or twice a day when on holidays, short breaks etc. I'd prefer more often but you have to find a happy medium.

Once or twice a month would have me needing counselling.

Loopytiles · 07/03/2019 07:38

It just sounds like your current boyfriend has a low sex drive and/or that you don’t fancy him that much!

Twice a month/cuddles instead of sex doesn’t sound great in the early stages.

Notcoolmum · 07/03/2019 07:43

If you check out the dating thread here you will see that plenty in our 40s and 50s are having and craving regular sex.
I’m now closer to 50 then 40 and had a few lovers recently. All liked regular sex (at least once at night and once in the morning on a sleepover date). And this weekend my date and I spent all day in bed! I have found issues with sustaining erections with this age group. But the drive is still there.

LilouBlue · 07/03/2019 07:46

I don't think it's standard that all over forties men will be like this tbh. It's down to whether you can accept a relationship like that or not. It might be harder to find someone that you both have that connection with AND have matching sex drives with (this is an issue for me also in my thirties, as someone who likes slightly older men) but it's worth it when you find it.

LizzieSiddal · 07/03/2019 07:47

I agree that you’re not happy so it doesn’t matter what’s “normal”. Have you told him you want to have sex more frequently?

Dh and I are in our 50s hence been married 30 years. We’d both be unhappy with once or twice a month.

LizzieSiddal · 07/03/2019 07:47

*and been

FoggyFeb · 07/03/2019 07:47

I'm too envious to keep reading this thread. I feel like I'm never going to have sex ever again at this rate. 😭

TheStuffedPenguin · 07/03/2019 07:50

I'm well over 40 and have been with my partner for a year . We are at it at least twice a week if not more.However my ex H and I didn't do it for years . All men and women are different !

LilouBlue · 07/03/2019 07:50

Oh and also I think you are perfectly "normal" (for want of a better word) to want sex more than once or twice a month. Don't let these men make you feel like you have a problem! I had an ex who tried to shame me for my sex drive (which I don't think was massively high, just wanted 2/3 times over the course of a weekend) by "joking" about it. He quickly got the boot.

WasFatNowThin · 07/03/2019 08:13

I'm 44, my DP is 58. He works away all week, but we make sure we have sex 2 to 3 times at the weekends, we've been together 7 years.

I think you need to have a chat with him OP.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 07/03/2019 08:17

If you are happy OP then that's fine. But you're posting here which indicates you aren't happy with the amount of sex in your relationship.

Not sure it's helpful to compare, but I'm mid 50s, dating/have dated men of a similar age, and sex has been much more frequent. I prefer once or twice a day, but some people would think that was too much. Never dated a man where it's been a problem, in the desire or performance departments 😂

CilantroChili · 07/03/2019 09:09

I’m much closer to 50 than 40, and my sex drive is as healthy as it ever was (if my energy levels are not quite what they might be - am not fit at the moment)
My FWB is 44. Not particularly fit/does a bit of spinning/could lose a few lbs!

We don’t get as much time together in private as we’d like but we certainly make up for it when we do... several rounds.
Once or twice a month would not do it for me OP. At all!
That said, you have a good relationship... tricky one. Lack of sex would drive me crackers tho if he was around more often as in your situation. Tricky one!

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/03/2019 09:48

Both in terms of the dates (fishing and walks - I mean, find if you really like fishing and walks, I suppose) and the paltry sex, you seem to be dating men who are old before their time. All the men I know in their 40s (and I appreciate it totally depends on the circles you mix in) have plenty of get up and go and are more likely to be partying, running marathons, and generally living rather than sitting about fishing. I have a couple of FWBs in their 40s and sex several times a day when we’re together is the usual.

Do you actively seek out these sorts of sedentary, amiable, unadventurous traits in partners? Because if not, I can assure you it’s not the norm in this age group!

SpaceBacteria · 07/03/2019 09:50

I am 49. married and been with DH since I was 17, we were at it like rabbits at the beginning, which is only natural. Now it just at the weekends, around 4 times. Too knackered during the week with work.

Arnoldthecat · 07/03/2019 10:17

I wouldnt assume that every male in that age bracket is busted

RatherBeRiding · 07/03/2019 11:03

DP and I are in the mid 50-early 60s age bracket. Fortunately we've always had similar sex drives. 3+ per week atm on average. But we're both pretty fit and active people with no weight, health or drinking issues.

bowtieandheels · 07/03/2019 22:16

I'm 42 and partner 44, absolutely no way i could live with sex only twice a month and we are 5 years in! You make it sound like 40 something is old!! If twice a month is enough for you then that's fine but I have a feeling it's not or you wouldn't be here asking. All my friends in their 40s are experiencing their sexual peak so would want to be at it twice a day if they could...

StarlightLady · 08/03/2019 03:53

It’s not normal. ‘In my 40s and it certainly would not meet my needs. I think you also need to meet people whose mindset is not just penetration driven. Friendships can offer so much more in the bedroom.

Flip

1 2