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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was this abuse and why does he still scare me

41 replies

Tempoaryname · 06/03/2019 17:22

I've name changed just for this one but been here for a long time.

My ex of 10yrs never hit me but I still feel scared of him and I'm not sure why. I have never told anyone this irl as I am very private. I had known him for years as a friend and nothing else. Then we kind of ended up together I'm not really sure thinking back how it happened as I had never really thought of him that way. He just seemed to suddenly be really helpful after I had my first child who's dad walked out a month later. He was my first bf and we had been together years so I was a mess.

Anyway as I said my he was suddenly about all the time helping. He then started making me feel bad because he was doing so much for me and I wasnt giving anything back. Looking back he hadn't done more than invite me out places but he made it seem like he was doing things because I wanted him too. So as I said I still wonder how I ended up with him but I did. He was over the top with kindness buying me presents and just being overly nice. Everyone I knew told me how lucky I was. He then started pushing for another baby. I am not great at conflict and I wouldn't change my children for the world but I do wish I could go back and scream at myself to listen to the alarm bells that went off in my head back then. We had a baby and he got jealous of them. Didn't help or do anything he persuaded me to not bf as it was better if he could feed them too. After 2.5years he started pressuring me again for another one to the point it's all he went on about, he binned my pill and then when I did get pregnant he said "actually I dont want one you should have an abortion" I didn't and as soon as I gave birth I was begging the drs to be sterilised which I had done.

After that he still did nothing, used to grab me inappropriately in front of the kids and not wash. He also expected me to be up for sex anytime he felt like it and even if I out right refused he wouldn't let me sleep until I had relieved him in some way. I still to this day cant stand the idea of having sex again. He had on occasion not listened to no either.

All of that time he put on the lovely act in front of everyone else so they thought I was mad when I left him.

He still to this day 2yrs on wont accept we are over. He comes to get the children and tries to hug me which for some reason scares me and I'm not sure why. I did originally let him see the kids here while I went out but I came home to find broken glass on my bed. He uses the kids to try and see me and it gives me the creeps.

I know I'm probably just an idiot for putting up with it for all these years as I should have just said no to start with. I'm not 100% sure what I'm asking. I think I just needed to tell someone what happened there was more but these are the main things that still upset me. I just wish I could get over it all and not let him bother me but he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempoaryname · 06/03/2019 17:22

Sorry for the essay and Amy errors I was just thinking out loud really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempoaryname · 06/03/2019 17:23

Any not amy

OP posts:
minmooch · 06/03/2019 17:29

Abuse comes in many forms - and most of them not physical.

Yes this was abuse - mental and physical.

As for the glass on your bed - that is terrifying. Don't let this man in your home again. Your home should be your safe haven.

Well done for vocalising this. Hopefully it will give you strength to know it's recognised.

Others with more advice will come along but I wanted you to know you have been heard.

minmooch · 06/03/2019 17:32

Meant to say this was sexual abuse too. And if he forced you to have sex when you said no that is rape.

You have every right to feel afraid of this man.

tribpot · 06/03/2019 17:32

What you've written is deeply chilling. He clearly moved in on you when you were very vulnerable with a newborn baby and then basically guilted you into a relationship on the grounds you should be so grateful for his (unasked-for) help. It certainly sounds as if he coerced you into pregnancy so that he could then coerce you into an abortion, which is beyond appalling. And that's without taking into account what appears to be years of sexual assault and sexual abuse. You may not feel comfortable thinking about it in those terms, but I think your instincts are telling you that's what it is, and that's why you feel so uncomfortable around him now.

It's not surprising unwanted physical contact from him now scares you, after years of it. Is there anyone else who could do the handover for you, so you don't have to see him?

He sounds absolutely dreadful. I would really try to minimise any form of contact and I would think about maybe some counselling to help you recover from the relationship.

Quartz2208 · 06/03/2019 17:44

Yes it was and because he eroded your boundaries you are still scared of him

Minimise contact

ReanimatedSGB · 06/03/2019 17:49

This is an extremely abusive, dangerous man. Who else do you have in your life at present, OP? Do you have family members, friends, even neighbours you are on good terms with? You could probably do with other people around to help you stand up to him and keep him out of your house. Unfortunately, abusers of this sort often try to keep you isolated from others so that you are dependent on them. If you have no family or friends, have a chat with Women's Aid.

Original poster
Tempoaryname · 06/03/2019 17:58

I have family but they dont know any of this. They have noticed how much happier I seem these days. I'm trying to build bridges with old friends but as you say I became isolated without even realising it at the time.

I dont talk about sex as I said I'm private so cant imagine ever telling anyone in rl about this.

There were other things he tried to do like stopping me working but as I cant not work. I did nights but I would work 12hrs drop the kids at school, sleep for 5hours and then do the mum thing. If he was ever off he would wake me up over and over then tell me I was clearly not coping with the job and family life. This was all before we finally split but I think it made me realise just how horrible he was. He was really good at making me feel like everything was my fault or that I was imagining things but the state of absolute exhaustion opened my eyes to it.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 06/03/2019 18:08

It all sounds horribly abusive you need to go low contact

Echobelly · 06/03/2019 18:11

I think you need to tell your family - that will help you feel less alone in knowing what this man is really like and could help back you up against him. Do you have worries they won't believe you because of his public face?

I'm so sorry for all you've been through with that awful, abusive man and I hope you can get him out of your life for good.

Original poster
Tempoaryname · 06/03/2019 18:38

I just find it very hard to open up in rl. I think I also try to make out to myself it wasnt that bad and that I'm just being silly. I'm not sure why two years later I'm worrying about it again but I have started having alot of nightmares too.

OP posts:
Twillow · 06/03/2019 19:13

Wow. Well done for escaping this awful abuse - which it definitely was. I think that now might be the time to find some counselling for yourself - try ringing a helpline anonymously first if you are nervous about opening up. Remember there is no shame to you in what has happened, only to him.

TwistedAnkle · 06/03/2019 19:35

You poor thing! Yes it was abuse. You seem to be struggling to make sense of it in your mind but the fear you feel is your body reminding and warning you. This is not unusual. Perhaps it's because of this fear you've started to really think of what you experienced with him. Yes you need to keep strict boundaries with him to stay safe. But you also could do with some counselling to help you not only to work through this but also to understand what was going on for you that you got into and stayed in this relationship. This will help you not to repeat the pattern with another man. If you can't afford private there are charities like Mind out there - depending on where you live Thanks

Dragongirl10 · 06/03/2019 21:01

God op no wonder you are having nightmares about this vile abusive pile of shit...it may be because you are finally safe away from him and now your mind is trying to process all the things that happened to you.

If you can, try and get or pay for, some counselling, and show someone close to you this thread, someone you trust, for support in real life. You don't have to say it just show them.

Also don't let him in your home, hand over dcs somewhere very public, cafe? HE HAS NO RIGHT TO TOUCH YOU >>>EVER

If he tries, get mad and say DON'T TOUCH ME EVER AGAIN.
Practice in the mirror if it is hard for you...

Well done for leaving op, l applaud you.

Original poster
Tempoaryname · 07/03/2019 07:18

Thanks everyone for replying. I think I do need to talk to someone. I dont think my family will understand as they are very much of the "well you chose to be/stay with him" variety. I just find when I see him instead of that dead inside nothing is real feeling I had for 10yrs I now feel scared. It took me quite a while to snap out of the watching my life like it was a TV show to actually being present. I'm not quite completely there but I'm getting there. At one point when I was with him I nearly had a very bad accident and felt no adrenaline or anything I was that switched off from the world. It's a weird place to be and not a good mindset to look after children as I wasnt mentally present for them.

OP posts:
tribpot · 07/03/2019 08:02

It sounds as if your mind is now giving you permission to process the extent of what happened to you, so your healing is beginning but there could be a lot of emotion to come after so long of bottling it up. I think it might be possible that you have PTSD but I am not a medical professional. I would urge you to find some help, perhaps from Rape Crisis or Women's Aid.

You've taken the hardest step by getting away from him, and bloody well done to you for having the courage to do that.

Happynow001 · 07/03/2019 10:18

Well done OP for having the strength to leave him - that would have taken immense courage and mental energy.

I agree with other PPs that you now need to get some counselling for yourself so you can unburden yourself in a safe non-judgemental environment to start getting this out IRL and out of your head and maybe reduce the nightmares.

Please don't allow this person in your home when he has child access. Is there somewhere else he can collect them from? His parents or yours maybe - though it sounds like your parents may not be sympathetic they may allow that? Do you think you will ever be able to share any of this with your parents? 💐 for you in this time.

nowheretorunorhide · 07/03/2019 12:32

It sounds like you dissociated in the relationship to cope. I did this a lot for a while when I was mentally unwell in my relationship with my ex husband. It seems like you are finally becoming more present. I would call womans aid and also look at counselling. It was abuse and very much not ok how he treated you.

Original poster
Tempoaryname · 09/03/2019 08:55

Thanks again everyone. I just wish the nightmares would go away. I went to the drs about the blackness whilst with him and they said I had OCD. I often drop the children at his mums as he lives there so still end up seeing him.

OP posts:
cauliflowersqueeze · 09/03/2019 09:04

This is horrific OP. He treated you like shit and repeatedly raped you.

What is his mum like? Can you ask her to collect the kids from the end of the drive so you don’t have to see him? Could you get some kind of restraining order so that he can’t come within a certain distance of you?
How does he treat the kids? Are they safe with him?

cauliflowersqueeze · 09/03/2019 09:04

I would send the link for this thread to someone in the family so they can read this. You need support from them.

Original poster
Tempoaryname · 09/03/2019 10:08

His mum is very much for her son. She is hard work and pushes that we should be together. Whenever I got upset before I used to get the "oh that's just what men are like". He isn't great with the kids and ss have been involved due to their behaviour after seeing him so he now sees them once a fortnight with his mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempoaryname · 09/03/2019 11:16

His mum does help me with emergency childcare though. I just sometimes wonder why I didn't see the red flags or why I just ignored the ones I did see. Like when I tried to end it early on and he called and called until I gave him another chance. More chilling is during that time he kicked holes in his mums door because I had left him. She only told me this recently back then she said a it had been bashed into by her much younger sons toy bike.

OP posts:
cauliflowersqueeze · 09/03/2019 11:52

I think he sounds really dangerous actually. Not just physically but psychologically. I’d make every effort to keep out his way.

Custardo · 09/03/2019 12:00

i think anyone would be scared you were raped and you found glass in your bed after you split

like others have said - avoid at all costs