Was this abuse and why does he still scare me

[Tempoaryname]

I've name changed just for this one but been here for a long time.

My ex of 10yrs never hit me but I still feel scared of him and I'm not sure why. I have never told anyone this irl as I am very private. I had known him for years as a friend and nothing else. Then we kind of ended up together I'm not really sure thinking back how it happened as I had never really thought of him that way. He just seemed to suddenly be really helpful after I had my first child who's dad walked out a month later. He was my first bf and we had been together years so I was a mess.

Anyway as I said my he was suddenly about all the time helping. He then started making me feel bad because he was doing so much for me and I wasnt giving anything back. Looking back he hadn't done more than invite me out places but he made it seem like he was doing things because I wanted him too. So as I said I still wonder how I ended up with him but I did. He was over the top with kindness buying me presents and just being overly nice. Everyone I knew told me how lucky I was. He then started pushing for another baby. I am not great at conflict and I wouldn't change my children for the world but I do wish I could go back and scream at myself to listen to the alarm bells that went off in my head back then. We had a baby and he got jealous of them. Didn't help or do anything he persuaded me to not bf as it was better if he could feed them too. After 2.5years he started pressuring me again for another one to the point it's all he went on about, he binned my pill and then when I did get pregnant he said "actually I dont want one you should have an abortion" I didn't and as soon as I gave birth I was begging the drs to be sterilised which I had done.

After that he still did nothing, used to grab me inappropriately in front of the kids and not wash. He also expected me to be up for sex anytime he felt like it and even if I out right refused he wouldn't let me sleep until I had relieved him in some way. I still to this day cant stand the idea of having sex again. He had on occasion not listened to no either.

All of that time he put on the lovely act in front of everyone else so they thought I was mad when I left him.

He still to this day 2yrs on wont accept we are over. He comes to get the children and tries to hug me which for some reason scares me and I'm not sure why. I did originally let him see the kids here while I went out but I came home to find broken glass on my bed. He uses the kids to try and see me and it gives me the creeps.

I know I'm probably just an idiot for putting up with it for all these years as I should have just said no to start with. I'm not 100% sure what I'm asking. I think I just needed to tell someone what happened there was more but these are the main things that still upset me. I just wish I could get over it all and not let him bother me but he does.

Hello OP. Yes he is highly abusive from what you've said.

Please get in contact with Women's Aid - they can help and recommend local support services so that you can work out your boundaries and get help to process all of this.

Coming out of an abusive rekationship can leave you suffering with PTSD symptoms from the trauma. It is possible to move on & overcome with guidance. Maybe you could do some reading around it.

Take care OP

I think I may start by seeing the drs again. They offered me counselling before but ex talked me out of it. I will also try womans aid.

Please do see your doctor OP, and get them to refer you asap as there is usually a long waiting list.

I second the recommendations for contacting Womens Aid and/or Rape Crisis.

Please don't blame yourself for staying with him. Abusers are very skilled at "persuading" their victims to stay. I think the statistic is that it can take an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship, so please don't beat yourself up over it.

After I left an abusive relationship, which included multiple rapes along with sleep deprivation, I too thought I would never want sex ever again. But with time and support, I was able to reclaim my sexuality and now 20 years on my sex drive is stronger than ever.

Thank you for letting me know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just cant imagine trusting anyone again. The no sex doesn't bother me at all.

I think this all came out as I listen to alot of audio books and was listening to one that had alot about an abusive relationship and next thing I knew I was crying but didn't know why. Ever since i have been having these nightmares and feeling the fear i mentioned.

Think I'm now just using this like a diary. It was one of my dcs birthdays the other day and he had taken them out for a birthday treat just before. On the day I was planning a takeaway and just a nice night together as money is pretty tight at the moment and it was a school day. There was a knock at the door one of my dcs answered and it was only him and his mum. He just walks in and sits on the sofa. The dcs were all excited especially the birthday one as he had more presents.

I know I should have got angry and kicked him out I'm really kicking myself for not doing it but he still knows that I hate making a scene and plays on it. I feel really angry at myself for letting him just walk all over me again. I wish I could bring out the anger I feel when I see him instead of shutting down. I dont really know what I'm going on about but just need somewhere to think out loud.

Keep talking OP! It’s not ‘just what men/relationships are like’ - you have had your self esteem whittled away. Talking here and RL to professionals will help.

Phone Women's Aid, tell them what you have told us.
You can get an order to stop him coming too close.

It is abuse. That is why you are scared - that is a good instinct.
You don't feel able to "speak up" because that is how he has conditioned you to be. It is possible that your family pre-conditioned you to be like this too.
Do get help.

I am calling woman's aid tomorrow after work as it is the one evening I have 5mins to myself. I think i was conditioned as a child to give in to my brother so he wouldn't make a scene. I remember being told to just let him do what he wants so he doesn't get upset.

The thing is I know I need to be stronger as he upsets the children. They are excited when they see him well except my oldest who hates him but then get upset as in their words he doesn't listen to them and he only bothers if I'm about.

There's a book by Lundy Bancroft called "Why Does he Do That" ... when you wrote about how over the top helpful he started out, it rang bells. This will help you understand what he is and what you've been through, and yes, you have been brutalised and abused by this horrendous specimen of a human being.

Your post made such upsetting reading, I am so very sorry that you've been put through all this horror but I think you've just taken the first steps to a better future. Good luck

Thanks I will look into that. Looking back I feel like such an idiot. He played on my hatred of upsetting people and caught me when I was going through a very hard time. I had known him since I was 4 we were never close he was just there if that makes sense. He was a friend of a friend and we got properly introduced in my late teens. As I say I was never interested in him and only had one relationship before hand so was pretty naive to be honest. Still it doesn't stop me feeling like a complete idiot.

I know it becomes a hard habit to break but try not to turn your anger inwards, against yourself.
You're not stupid. No-one would say you were stupid for getting the flu from running into someone you didn't know was ill right?

I've been there and it's exhausting. All that wasted time analysing him, what he did/does, what I should have/didn't do, how the inlaws facilitate it all, countless why me?s...the list goes on.

But it's the wrong direction to take. Time to be infinitely gentle with yourself. Abuse leaves you with an invisible open wound. A pp mentioned PTSD..I agree. If you can find a specialist counsellor then emdr or other techniques can help massively.

Whatever help you decide you need to do, noticing and (gently) stopping the self blame is really important. Not saying it's easy...Would you get angry with your DC for catching the flu? Of course not.
Perhaps you didn't have the boundaries needed to keep him out in the first place, but that's hardly a fault! Why the hell should we all have nuclear powered defences in place just in case we meet someone toxic?!

Hi everyone just thought I'd give you an update. I have been to the drs who has referred me for cbt therapy (not sure what that really is) so hopefully that will help.

The dreams are still bad. Latest one is him suddenly sitting next to me on the sofa and trying to touch my legs. I tell him not to touch me and he says "oh come on you know you want me. You always did like playing hard to get".

I know that just sounds like nothing but I wake up crying as it seems so real. He used to talk like that all the time.

Thanks for the update. I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. The nightmares sound bloody awful. I hope the cbt helps.

More chilling is during that time he kicked holes in his mums door because I had left him. She only told me this recently back then she said a it had been bashed into by her much younger sons toy bike.

Right ... so his own mother knows exactly what he is like when thwarted, & felt she had to cover up for him.
Plus, he is a rapist.
Plus, he snuck into your bedroom & left that chilling broken glass message.

Please, please, get on to a lawyer &/or Women's Aid, get this documented, & start the process of No Contact.

TempName

Apologies have now read your subsequent postings & OMG you should not - & do not - have to be putting up with this. Am so sorry for your continuing nightmares. Seconding the poster above recommending the Lundy book. Delighted you are in touch with an agency that can help & support you.

Please don't feel like an idiot.
Arseholes like yours (& mine, over 10 years ago ... can you tell?!!!) dedicate themselves fully to finding vulnerable women to leech off, control, gaslight & abuse, They love it so much it's ahobby they become Olympic champions at.
It's not your fault. Believe me - it's not your fault. xxx