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Original poster

How do you approach marriage with DP?

27 replies

Soonmum · 06/03/2019 17:17

Had to name change as he knows my username. I've been with DP for a couple of years. In his own words his exW almost forced him to marry her. They had children and she felt bad that she was the only one that didn't have the same surname as the rest of the family. He's mentioned he really never wanted to marry her but thought it was the right thing to do. He's said I'm the only person he's actually wanted to marry and spend the rest of his life with. We've talked about getting married a couple of times, always with the idea that we'd do it. I've never been too pushy because my exH was awful with the division of assets and it's not something I want to go through ever again if possible. I'm pregnant and we're both delighted we both really want this baby and we're sure we'll give him/her the best life we can. I'm not very fussed about getting married really, but because I have no-one left and had too many complications in my previous pregnancy I want to legalise for my DP to be my next of kin. It looks like getting the powers of attorney would cost the same as a registry's office wedding, so I'm thinking we might as well do that. I don't want him to feel forced to do it though. I'd like to have a "bigger" wedding (I've never had one) but I think the party can come later once baby is here.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 06/03/2019 17:20

Have you thought about having a civil ceremony instead of a wedding. That might be a good compromise.

Original poster
Soonmum · 06/03/2019 17:29

I think if wee to have anything other than the registry office wedding it'd be with my religious congregation. I'm a regular and I consider them the closest thing to a family but I'm concerned that might seem as "too" formal or "party" like. I don't think we'd tell anyone anyways, it would just be a private thing between the two of us.

OP posts:
Deadringer · 06/03/2019 17:35

I would be direct. If you want to get married tell him so and see what he says. You don't seem too sure though, so you need to decide what you want before you put it to him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/03/2019 17:37

If you’ve talked about it and he’s said he wants to marry you then why not suggest booking a date and going ahead with it? Do you want to be married before you have the baby?

Why would he feel forced or would you need to bring it up with him if you’ve agreed it’s what you both want?

Greyhound22 · 06/03/2019 17:40

I would be very careful.

I doubt very much his XW 'forced' him to marry. Why was she 'awful' about the division of assets? You mean she took what was rightfully hers?

If you do not marry you will be leaving yourself and any possible DC's very vulnerable. It may be the other way round and you may have the most to lose so then it's up to you but I am always v wary of men who are happy to live with someone, have children with them but not officially marry.

Original poster
Soonmum · 06/03/2019 17:41

I think I'm just paranoid that he'll feel like history is repeating itself (doing it because of other factors). I'm classified as very high risk and almost died of complications when I had my first. So it would have to be done before baby is born.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soonmum · 06/03/2019 17:43

greyhound it was not his exW who was awful it was my exH. I will not be left vulnerable as I'm the main breadwinner in the house.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 06/03/2019 17:52

If you want a registry office wedding on the cheap then I think raise it and sort it ASAP. He said he wants to be married so unless he didn't mean it, should be fine. Unlikely he specifically meant he wanted a big wedding.

If you don't want that, then sort the legal stuff out now as an interim measure, and you can sort a proper wedding in time. Which you may need to approach a bit more cautiously because him saying he wants to get married isn't necessarily the same as wanting a religious ceremony with a reception, etc.

Greyhound22 · 06/03/2019 17:53

Sorry I read it wrong - I read that she had been awful.

fc301 · 06/03/2019 17:54

Why was he prepared to have children with his ex but had to be 'forced' to marry her. That would be a red flag for me.
You are already pregnant so, yes, you need to be married. Too many stories on here to evidence what can go wrong if the relationship ends ... and, to be fair, you both have previous relationships which have broken down so the scenario is not beyond the realms of probability.
Good luck & congratulations.

Original poster
Soonmum · 06/03/2019 18:00

Well his story makes sense. Their DS was very much unplanned. Their DD wasn't but they only got married when their DC were 7 and 9. The marriage only lasted a year. At least to me what he says makes sense.

I don't think what can go wrong if we don't get married for me. It's financially beneficial for me, not him. He'd officially get half my house and my other assets.

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 06/03/2019 18:31

If he won't marry you or you're too hesitant to approach a man you're having a child with about marriage, please give the child your surname. If you do get married, you can change it.

Original poster
Soonmum · 06/03/2019 18:38

We've agreed baby will have both our surnames and when we marry I won't take his. Keeping my surname and giving it to our DC is very important to me.

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LemonTT · 06/03/2019 19:46

You have 2 competing concerns.
That your DP will not be able to make medical decisions for you and your baby if you don't marry. That will be something a solicitor can help with and yes it would be lasting power of attorney. But hospitals will accept your partner as next of kin, this can be checked if it bothers you.

Conversely, if you marry (or enter a civil partnership which is basically the same) your personal income and wealth will become marital or joint assets. Again a solicitor could help with options to protect assets but these are not fool/court proof especially with the birth of a child.

The cost is approximately the same but the risks (for you) are not the same. Rationally based on what you say, the solution is not to get married because the next of kin concern is a risk that is unlikely to happen these days but can be absolutely mitigated. To marry would mean you absolutely put your wealth at risk.

elizalovelace · 06/03/2019 19:50

Just let him know you wish to be married before baby is due. It's a reasonable request. If he wants to marry you he will.

Original poster
Soonmum · 06/03/2019 20:57

lemon that's what a friend suggested. It does seem like a pessimistic option to me.

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Bubs101 · 06/03/2019 22:00

I can't understand men (and women) who refuse to marry their partners as if it's some awful, restricting life-ending decision. In my eyes, if I'm good enough to share a home with, finances with and children with then I'm good enough for you to marry. Don't accept anything less.

LemonTT · 06/03/2019 23:34

I think complications set in when the people in the relationship already have children and assets. A mother with a child would want her assets to pass that child, e.g. ownership of a home. If she married someone with their own children then he becomes her next of kin. He would inherit the house. When he dies that house would most likely pass to his next of kin, his children.

Marriage creates automatic statutory arrangements that don't suit all couples especially those people who already have dependents. It can all be worked out fairly and to protect everybody. It just takes some thought. But that it better than regret and acrimony. But it is a choice whether to marry for all parties. Not everybody wants to, even some women.

SandyY2K · 06/03/2019 23:42

In your position I'm not sure 8d want to marry again. Your existing child could lose out on his/her inheritance if you marry him...and die before he does.

The house that's yours become his.

Worse still he marries again and his next wife gets it all and your child from your first marriage is left out.

'm not sure if you have DC already. It so, please keep in mind to protect those children financially.

Original poster
Soonmum · 07/03/2019 07:16

My DD from my first marriage is protected. That's how I ended worse off after divorce. My exH kept the house and we wrote into the divorce agreement that when she turns 18 the house is hers.

I do see myself spending the rest of my life with my DP. I know I need to write a will to. I'm unsure if a marriage certificate trump's it, something to ask the solicitor.

My DP is a noble man and I'm sure he'll respect that whatever I have is for both my children.

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 07/03/2019 07:20

I totally agree with Sandy

You are putting yourself in a weaker position legally & financially for yourself and children.

I totally see why people are reluctant to marry when they have children already.

Original poster
Soonmum · 07/03/2019 09:37

Call me old fashioned but I wish there was a way to be able to call each other husband and wife but not share our finances. Or that what I've acquired prior to meeting would remain mine and my children's regardless.

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LatentPhase · 07/03/2019 10:03

It ‘sounds’ as though you do ‘want to be his wife’ - I get that. Totally. And especially when you are facing a the idea right now of vulnerability and mortality. Nothing wrong with wanting to be his wife in these circs.
Can you talk this all out with him? If he is a noble man, he’ll be willing to hear this surely...

On a more practical and less romantic note. If there is agreement that your house goes to dd when she turns 18, what would happen if your exH re-married?

I think you should chat to a solicitor. I hope you guys can make the decision together. Flowers

Original poster
Soonmum · 07/03/2019 10:16

I have a charge on the house if my exH is to remarry or have another baby the house will be sold.

OP posts:
averythinline · 07/03/2019 14:33

Your DP maybe noble - but I am confused about what woudl happen to your existing DC in the worst case scenario....
he would I assume - look after your joint DC ....but who looks after your exsiting DC and your house....
there would be nothing to stop him moving any subsequent partner into your house ...
I really think you should get legal advice....as property and blended families make complex arrangements. it may not be in your DC best interests for you to get married again.....a will maybe a better way to sort things out...
You have not been together very long -2yrs is nothing - if you have specific medical decisions made you can clarify that in a living will type thing (cant remember the same)

You can call each other husband and wife or whatever you want without being married....
my friend always call each otehr husband and wife as they have been together 25 yrs ...never married as didnt believe it ...looking forward to their civil ceremony now

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