Partner and ex girlfriend

[Blueflower22]

Please advise me ladies.

My boyfriend of two years has recently started talking to his ex a lot more regularly (every day or every other day). I don't feel comfortable with this as I read messages from when they were together about three years ago saying how much they loved eachother but couldn't be together because the lady was getting married to someone else as an arranged marriage.

Me and my boyfriend are planning to marry soon and his friend is marrying soon as well.

I understand that he might want to keep in touch with her every now and again but I don't understand what is the need for everyday. I'm not sure what they talk about in there conversations and I don't understand why she needs to talk to him everyday and send him selfies and I think he is sending them as well - on Snapchat

I'm not sure how to approach this with him as he knows I am unhappy but keeps saying that they are just friends. It has got to the point where I feel upset that he is overly needy of her and can't just have normal male friendships or normal female ones where the ladies are not his ex's. I don't
Want to upset him or make him feel that I don't trust him. I trust that he won't cheat on me but I don't want her to play an emotional game on him or him to be too emotionally reliant on her because I feel like that is my purpose - and the the purpose of being in a relationship

I would tell him exactly how you feel..tell him you understand that he wants to stay friends but you feel his response is immature and inappropriate especially as he knows this is making you feel unhappy and that she is his ex
What the hell are they doing sending selfies to each other? I'd also talk to your family about it who can maybe have a word with his family..and if they know her with her too.
Bet her fiance doesn't know she is sending him selfies
If it does not stop leave the arranged marriage ..in my eyes this is a form of cheating and he is doing it knowing you are getting married
He has zero respect for you. Is this what you want out of a marriage?

@Banana1979 he had told me that they are just friends, and I'm not sure how I can counteract this and say to him I don't like it because in the end he just says there good friends.
I'm not sure if she sends selfies to all her Snapchat contacts and my partner replies by sending another one back by thinking that it's only sent to him.
Ohh no our marriage is not arranged we dated and chose each other, the girl is getting an arranged marriage

That much contact between exes is inappropriate. As is the photo swapping. They are over-invested emotionally and are reigniting their intimacy.

They are star-crossed lovers who could not marry. He is showing you much disrespect by prioritizing her over your discomfort.

I would not marry a man who is showing me that I am his second choice.

@MsDogLady but he keeps saying that they didn't get married because it wasn't in their fate and they've both moved on

@MsDogLady and therefore he's marrying me because he loves me and not her

@MsDogLady so I'm unsure how to talk about it without it sounding accusatory as I don't know what there talking about but worried there emotionally over connected

But have they moved on, Blue? It doesn’t look like it. Your discomfort should matter to him. Daily contact and exchanging pictures with an ex is inappropriate and wrong. They are likely reestablishing their emotional connection.

The bottom line here is really, that despite you expressing you aren't that keen on this daily contact, he continues to do as he wishes.

He's marrying you, because he couldn't have her, as she was getting an arranged marriage.

This seems to me like a case of if you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with.

I would not marry a man who disregarded my feelings. If he's like this before marriage...he'll be worse later. I'll bet her husband doesn't know she contacts her Ex so often, or even that she contacts him at all.

If you marry him...she'll be ever present in your life.

Remember that courtship is the time to assess suitability for a life partner... he's failing the probationary period. If you're struggling to get your POV heard by him... your marriage is in trouble before it's began. You'll remember this one day.

You may have to tell him that you are reconsidering your relationship because he is dismissing your feelings about his excessive contact with his ex. You feel that he is crossing a line with the daily contact and exchange of photos, and this indicates that he has not moved on from her and their emotional connection.

If he tries to manipulate and shift blame to you by accusing you of being silly, unreasonable, jealous, etc, don’t accept that.

@MsDogLady I'm not sure because they could be friends and he could treat her the same way he treats male friends but I dunno because it seems like they chat way too much

@MsDogLady I'm not sure whether to say to him that I'm reconsidering our relationship because his behaviour towards me has not
Changed. He is still lovely. The only problem is his excessive contact that I don't like. I think he will try to shift blame and will keep saying I don't see what the problem is if we are only friends

@MsDogLady a part of me
Thinks that I should just continue to ignore it because he's still nice to me and our relationship hasn't been affected yet

But your relationship has been affected, Blue. He is ignoring and disregarding your feelings. That is not lovely.

How do you think he would feel if you had daily contact with an ex and were exchanging selfies with him?

In this three way no one respects you - mostly you do not respect yourself. He is showing contempt for your feelings, minimising them. Like your feelings don't count or matter to him.

If you marry him you will have this feeling gnawing away all your life.

Can't you see he's giving you reasons not to question his unacceptable behaviour by keeping you happy or being nice to you?

You need to wake up and speak now or you'd be forever holding your peace (no pun intended) after marriage.

I can't stress this enough that an ex is an ex for a reason, what's with the exchange of selfies? You really are patient and tolerant. This needs to stop or I'd be reconsidering this relationship.

Sounds like she'll always 'be the one who got away' and people can find it very very difficult when things don't work out. To me it sounds like the only reason they're not together now is because of 'other circumstance', it's not like the broke up like a normal couple.

I'd be very wary of this, as he was always be hung up on her in some way. I was in a relationship with a man like this back in my early 20's, who couldn't be with his Asian ex as he wasn't Asian himself, and whilst I knew he loved me I always felt second place to her. I'd catch him looking at her photos, or bringing her up randomly in conversations like "oh ex, used to love those", as if she was always on his mind. I eventually ended the relationship as I couldn't face feeling like a second choice to her.

Just be careful you aren't this man's rebound, you want someone utterly devoted to YOU, I'm not saying exes can't be friends but these circumstances are different.

I am thinking to talk to him again:

I am thinking of saying that

1. there is no need to talk to an ex everyday

His objection - 'it's just me keeping in touch with my friend the same as I would do to any male friends '

2. you are over invested emotionally

His objection ' you don't trust me with anyone you never have'

3. she is clearly still interested in you if she messages you everyday and sends you selfies

His objection 'she's just my friend and sees me as a friend and after our relationship ended I didn't talk to her for a while and we had a break and then just became friends and the feelings we had with eachother ended'

Please advise what I can say back to his points

I have typed this stuff to say to him please advise me on whether it sounds too confrontational or not, because I don't want to hurt his feelings if he is innocent

I haven’t been feeling very happy since you started talking to your ex nearly everyday and I am unsure what to do about this so have been waiting and seeing what will happen, I am unhappy that you have disregarded my feelings about this completely.
⁃ I feel that because you were with her before in a relationship and need to talk to her regularly you have an emotional commitment and are reliant on her for happiness. That is why I don’t feel comfortable with you talking to her as often as you do. Every few months would be different. There is no need to talk to her everyday when you are at work.
⁃ Since she broke up with you because she was having an arranged marriage arranged by her family your feelings haven’t completely died.
⁃ If she has no feelings for you anymore than she should not have a problem coming round here and sitting with us because all the old feelings should have gone and therefore she should not find it awkward
⁃ you two have got emotionally invested in eachother again and are reigniting emotional intimacy because that amount of contact for exes is way too much.
⁃ If you plan to talk with her let me know, because I don’t want it to be that you secretly do and then just delete messages.
⁃ You seem to be giving her extra consideration to anyone else. For example when we went on holiday you got her a specific gift because she wanted one and no one else.

They split up 3 years ago because she was having an arranged marriage...and she still isn't married?

I have a few friends who have had arranged marriages (or a sort of modern version of, semi-arranged) and they were sorted relatively quickly

Did the marriage fall through, and the new potential husband is someone different? If so, I would be concerned that they are both panicking and being nostalgic about their "one that got away". Or 3 years have passed and she is now getting up the strength to say no to the arranged marriage if it isn't what she wants. Which your DP probably reminds her of.

I'm friends with exes. I text them etc etc. People have different lines and mine is pretty low, as they go, i think. But the snapchatting and every day almost contact isn't on IMO. Selfies are especially odd.

Don't get married if something doesn't feel right!

The gift thing is also thoroughly odd. Does he see her regularly? Or just chat on phone and he sent the gift via a friend or mail?

@Dirtybadger yeah she still isn't married and is getting married next month apparently because of difficulties as her fiancée is abroad and wanted to come here for the wedding to take place.

How often do you text your ex ?

@Dirtybadger no I don't think he's seen her for over a year now, but the small souvenir gift he got her when he's going to see her soon 'and see her before she gets married'

@Dirtybadger I mean he said he's going to see her soon, before she marries

Well maybe once every few months. But I don't text anyone much more often than that. DP texts a few exes a lot (they're friends and I know them)- maybe even multiple times a week in stages. But it's a bit different texting someone to invite them out as a group, about a specific thing, an article about a shared interest.....and selfies and buying them gifts.

@Dirtybadger I'm not even sure what to do. I feel bad about even thinking about talking to him about it because they might just have an innocent friendship like he does with his male friends, but then again they might be over involved emotionally.