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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New relationship and he's lied already, what do I do!!

27 replies

playle88 · 06/03/2019 10:44

So I have been in a new relationship for the last 8 months after previously being with someone for 10 years, my previous partner was a cheat, a liar , a drunk and a narcissist.( the list goes on) lol any hows I met the absolute most amazing man and he is perfect for me, kind, caring, funny has the same interests as me and also Amazing in bed ( that is an understatement). So I have recently just found out that the first few weeks he was seeing/ sleeping with a woman for a whole week. This is where it gets confusing. He's the same age as me ,30, he has never had a serious long term relationship apart from one lasting 3 years. He's a very good looking chap so obviously he has played the field a little. So this woman that he was seeing was from Italy. They didn't know each other and he said that she had seen him in a photo with one of his friends and that she accidentally added him as a friend on face book, he accepted the request. From then on they messaged back an fourth and eventually he flew to Italy to stay with her for a week. Bearing in mind they had only know of each other for a month. So the following month she flew over here to stay with him. The same time we had met and were dating. I have no issue with the fact that he was sleeping/ seeing her at the same time as me as technically we were both single, but lying to me for a whole week as to his where abouts makes me so cross. So we are currently on a 'break' am I over reacting? He said he didn't tell me as he didn't want to ruin what we had and that he had no idea I would actually be the one for him. He has called me his soulmate and he can't stand to lose me. He knows what he did was wrong. Can I trust him again? During the relationship I have had no reason not too. I actually believe he could be the one for me but due to past relationship dramas I am on high alert. And I do the this thing where if I want to find something out I will go to any length to find the answer even if knowing it's going to upset me, but I can't let things lie and just move on? He has also met another lady from Australia with whom he hadn't me personally, this was before me, but still. Flying around the world just for a hook up, I'm not sure if I'm wasting my time. But I really do like/ love him a lot and he is perfect for me.......
Advice please x

OP posts:

something2say · 06/03/2019 10:54

I would let it lie.
The early months are too soon to say. Too soon to ask, too soon to even think to ask really.
I met a man on Tinder in Nov 17. I had been dating another man prior. I met my current guy and then met the other guy one more time. I chose the new guy and we are still together.
I didn’t know I would come to like him that much at that point.
As for him, I suspected he had tail ends elsewhere too, and I said to my friend, well I wanted to box off that other thing, so I can’t exactly say anything about him doing the same.
It would be unreasonable.

In your case I’d say, it would have been too early for him to ditch all other conquests the second you came along.
Don’t ruin it xxx and don’t let paranoia eat you up and fgs don’t ever throw this in his face.

NameChangeNugget · 06/03/2019 11:20

You’re overthinking this

MMmomDD · 06/03/2019 12:10

Totally overthinking AND letting your past ruin your present too.
In the first few weeks after you met - there wasn’t yet a ‘relationship’. You even said - you dont mind that he was still dating as you weren’t yet at an exclusive phase.
And that means - he was not under an obligation to let you know who and when he was seeing at that time.

Imagine - you just met someone and went on a date or two. And at that time- that someone expresses the need to know where you are, what you are doing and with whom.
Sounds controlling and a red flag so early on? Yes. Because it is.

Just take a breath and think about the relationship you have since it actually became a Relationship.
If you are happy in it - don’t look for reasons why it’s wrong.
Your past can make you do that. Try to resist and think deeper.

hiphopapotamuses · 06/03/2019 12:24

I get it OP. That week she was here you were presumably speaking/texting and he fibbed "working late", "meeting friends tonight" etc. Not sure how you'd have taken it if he'd been up front about it though? I know if I were him I'd probably have been vague too.
It's a tough one as I think only time will tell here - he wasn't to know you'd both get serious. Do you know if he's messaging other women now or are you exclusive?

If aside from this overlap you've no other reason to distrust him maybe see how it goes for a couple of months?

Original poster

playle88 · 06/03/2019 12:49

Hi thank you all for the super advice and yes I think my past trust issues are getting in the way. I definitely don't want to throw it away as like I said before we weren't official. But we are now yay. He is no longer in communication with the 'italian' he ended it as soon as she went back as he said she just annoyed him. He also on his own accord deleted her from Facebook. I literally have no other reason why I wouldn't trust him as he never given me any reason not to.

I think I need to take a deep breath and just chill in the situation lol

OP posts:

CilantroChili · 06/03/2019 13:24

You weren’t exclusive and in your shoes Id ok with all of that (if not necessarily thrilled)

Except for the bit where he bad-mouths “the Italian” after the fact
😐
She didn't annoy him enough to stop him hopping into bed with her and he should have kept his mouth shut- it was over & done with

JaneEyre07 · 06/03/2019 13:29

He sounds awful OP.

He was seeing two women at the same time. Once a cheat.......

No thanks.

Quietplace19 · 06/03/2019 14:35

Yeah I would be wary of him.

LaughingCow99 · 06/03/2019 14:41

Possibly a player, mind yourself, op.

Missingstreetlife · 06/03/2019 14:46

I would tell him you're letting it go because you weren't an item, but that lying about anything at all, even the price of cheese or what he had for lunch, is a complete deal breaker. Mean it and follow through if you need to. Good luck, hope it works out.

LollyPopsApple · 06/03/2019 14:51

Meh. I don’t think it’s wrong to feel upset but I also don’t think he did anything really wrong unless you’d agreed to be exclusive. That early on when you’re dating but also haven’t decided to properly just see each other it’s tacitly understood you’re both single but also polite not to rub your other exploits in the person’s face unless they ask, surely?

Similar thing happened to me a fair few years ago at the start of a previous relationship: a long distance friend and I decided to meet up for a dirty weekend, we’d already met once before as friends but hadn’t ever both been single at the same time. So as we were both single we thought it’d be fun if he flew to me for a weekend, strict understanding we’d only ever be friends, spend the weekend hanging out and if it felt right shagging (we didn’t wanna put too much pressure on it but we both knew we wanted to).

In between him booking the non refundable tickets (we’d been friends for about seven or eight years at this point) I met someone. We’d only been on about four or five dates by the time the weekend came for my friend to visit. We didn’t have plans to meet that weekend, I didn’t lie, just said I was busy and he didn’t ask what doing. Texted once or twice during the weekend. Had a great weekend with my friend, he flew home, and a few dates later my ex asked to be exclusive and we decided to properly get together.

There was zero reason for him or me to believe the other person wasn’t free to keep dating/sleeping with others. We’d even had a conversation near the beginning about how things usually proceed (both date for a while, still free to see others, when you’re ready to commit you discuss it).

He never ‘found out’ because neither of us talked about the last time we’d slept with anyone prior to becoming exclusive and I didn’t sleep with the partner until we became exclusive either, but if he had done I can see him being a bit upset but don’t think I did anything wrong. And yes I’ve had relationships the other way around where a guy has dated and slept with others after meeting me but before getting together officially and it stings a bit if you’re crazy about them but the only alternative is being monogamous from the first time you ever speak to or meet someone and I’m not up for committing myself when I don’t know where’s it’s going or if it even is going anywhere! Much healthier to both have freedom during the initial dating period. And if you have other preferences (like for example if you only want to have sex with someone if you know they’re not having sex with anyone else) that’s on you to communicate.

I was 100% faithful and committed the entire relationship.

Sorry that was long! But yeah, the lying is uncomfortable but if you really like him now I wouldn’t let this end a promising eight month relationship.

LollyPopsApple · 06/03/2019 14:55

She didn't annoy him enough to stop him hopping into bed with her and he should have kept his mouth shut- it was over & done with

I can attest to the fact that you can like someone enough initially to shag them but very quickly realise they are annoying, and when someone has flown to see you it’s pretty awkward to do anything other than keep it going for the duration of the ‘holiday’ but then breathe a massive sigh of relief once they’ve left!

Moralitym1n1 · 06/03/2019 15:05

Lied to you by omission in the early weeks of seeing you that he was seeing and having sex with another woman (and she was staying with him, no?).

Nah.

Was he shagging you both at the same time or very close? Thats std bonanza time as well.

Our standards must be pretty low to be accepting this just cause 'we hadn't had any exclusivity talk'.

Moralitym1n1 · 06/03/2019 15:07

We didn’t have plans to meet that weekend, I didn’t lie, just said I was busy and he didn’t ask what doing. Texted once or twice during the weekend

You lied by omission.

Very unlikely he'd have met up with you for your next meeting/date all enthusiastic and sweet and smiley if he'd known you were having a dirty weekend with a fwb.

MIA12 · 06/03/2019 15:10

@playle88 You’ve completely blown this out of proportion. You weren’t in an exclusive relationship, you were both free to date other people. Don’t let something so minor ruin a relationship you feel is otherwise promising.

Loughers · 06/03/2019 15:15

This place is full of Cassandras...……….

Original poster

playle88 · 06/03/2019 15:39

Woah there's lots of mixed messages here. It's a hard one as the word official just sounds rubbish. We were only dating / sleeping together for 3 weeks before the Italian arrived. He said he couldn't cancel the visit as it was already booked. Would I have liked for him not to have slept with her the same time as me ......of course, but who knew where our relationship was heading. And yes I did say very bluntly to him if you realised you liked me so much so early on Then you should have kept it in your pants rather than Have your cake and eat it. Did he use her, yes probably although he has denied this, although having a friend come all that way for a hook up seems slightly extreme, but this is not whats making me angry and we were both ' single' it's the lying that has caused me to see red.

And like I said before it was me that was digging for answers I probably didn't want to find knowing it was gonna upset me, but like most of us we all have a slight stalker side to us and I couldn't let things lie knowing he wasn't telling the whole truth. X x

OP posts:

LollyPopsApple · 06/03/2019 15:42

Moralitym1n1 yeah, did you miss the part where I said

We’d even had a conversation near the beginning about how things usually proceed (both date for a while, still free to see others, when you’re ready to commit you discuss it).

I guess I should have added that he said he’d prefer not to know if I did, as I said with him. Either way I don’t owe a guy I’ve been on all of 4-5 dates with a run down of my activities when I’m not with him. And I certainly wouldn’t expect that in return either.

Quietplace19 · 07/03/2019 14:46

So you had already slept with him before the other girls?
Trust me he's no good and sounds immature.

Dieu · 07/03/2019 18:13

I honestly don't blame you for feeling the way you do, but I would let it lie now. Having been on the dating scene for a while, I know how infrequently really good connections can happen. So I say give it a go with him, unless he gives you a reason to doubt his fidelity in future.

Unguent · 07/03/2019 18:20

Either way I don’t owe a guy I’ve been on all of 4-5 dates with a run down of my activities when I’m not with him. And I certainly wouldn’t expect that in return either.

That would be my position.

MumsyJ · 07/03/2019 18:32

I totally agree with @Missingstreetlife

You're not overreacting but being cautious. Let this go, but next time there'll be no leniency.

Original poster

playle88 · 08/03/2019 10:20

Well I have laid down the law and we are gonna continue on. But I have warned him that he has is never to lie to me again. He has opened up about a lot of things I never knew and I have told him he needs to be open to telling me things as he was always quite reserved. I've let it go but I haven't forgotten so wish me luck x

OP posts:

Noanswerslotsofquestions · 02/02/2021 17:50

Can you tell us what happened, if that is ok? Are you still together?

HollowTalk · 02/02/2021 18:10

Gah! Zombie thread!

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