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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He IS being unreasonable - but what can I do

79 replies

Beccarollover · 08/09/2004 14:00

Ok....I posted this on my other thread but dont think it will be seen.

DS is having his first birthday party on Saturday - he was 1 yesterday.

DP didnt see much of him yesterday as he was out at football training until after bedtime - he wont be coming to the party on Saturday because he has a football match (see the theme here...?)

I think this is not on...especially considering how often he is playing/training/watching football - your 1st sons 1st birthday party is surely good enough reason to miss a game?

I said to him "Oh but you will miss his face when he sees his cake and opens his presents" he retorted "video it and I will watch it when I get back"

He sees it as my fault for organising it for a day he is playing football!

I couldnt imagine not being present at his first party (or any other for that matter) and find it very sad and a bit depressing that DP is quite happy to opt out.

To top it off - he has invited his friends with kids that I dont know too well and he wont be there!

He will be coming in at about 5-6pm - party starts at 2pm so a few adults will still be there but the actual "party" will be over

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beccarollover · 08/09/2004 23:02

Thanks everyone for letting me vent tonight! Feeling a little less foaming now!

Its obvious he wont change his mind now - im so annoyed he can be this selfish but hey, what can I do eh?

I think I will do some retail therapy tomorrow and get a gorgeous new outfit to feed his friends in

OP posts:
jasper · 08/09/2004 23:13

Becca I loathe and detest football for this very reason. For some strange reason football is seen as almost sacred in this country.
Is ds your eldest? If so I suspect that your dhs football addiction will start to wane as the months and years go by and your son becomes more demanding/more interesting to your dh ( hope that did not sound bad, hope you know what I mean)
My bil used to have a season ticket for his team and NOTHING stood in the way of watching them play, right up untill his eldest was about two and the next baby came along. He just kind of grew up, grew out of the football and grew into family fun and responsibilities.

Also, some men seem to think of babies as being sort of their wife's "hobby" as if all those hours you spend with the baby are "your" time to do your thing ( ie Be With Baby) and the football is his thing. Is he like that?

Have a great party. Your Dh will look really bad by the way!

Flossam · 09/09/2004 00:14

Spoke to my DP about this, and he fully agrees that he isn't being fair. He also thinks that he should just play for the one team and be around for his family. Just thought you might appreciate the opinion of one is will often be tempted away by friends/beer etc (but not to this extent IYSWIM). Please make sure he knows before, as your last attempt if you like that it will make him look really bad and a complete ar*ehole. Hope something gets sorted for you.

SoupDragon · 09/09/2004 09:44

Sorry, but if he always plays football on those days, why organise a party for when you know he can't be there?

FWIW, DH didnt come to either DSs 1st birthday parties. We had a private family celebration with just the 4 of us. Why will your DP miss him opening presents? TBH, if your DS is anything like mine were, he'll be slightly freaked out by the number of presents and they won't all get opened at the party. Very little children like to play with what they've just opened (more so with first borns). There will be plenty of presents left at the end of the party still to open.

DH finally gave up football when DS1 was about 2, Probably around the time when DS2 was born. In fact, I told him to keep playing before then because when he was that little, DS1 would not miss him. I knew that Wednesday nights were out because of training and Saturdays were usually completely wiped out with the match, travelling and drinking. I just organised my life around it and got on with stuff without him. Yes, I agree that maybe 2 teams is too much and your DP should cut down to one team but you can't force him to or he will only resent you and your DS for it. It's him that's missing out, not you.

SoupDragon · 09/09/2004 09:45

BTW, DH also played tennis in the summer, cricket ang golf. He's now down to just golf on a regular basis.

Blu · 09/09/2004 09:50

Soupy - because her DH plays footie on Sunday, too, so there isn't a suitable free time when he's there!
I would be very very hurt by this, Becca, but it is obvious that he just doesn't see why.

For me, it wouldn't even be about spending the time with DS, it would be about us as parents sharing our first year together with our little one. It seems so lonley to do a first birthday pary without him!
But I don't have a suggestion, I'm afraid - except perhaps write him a letter about how you feel, and have a discussion about how you both see parenthoood and sharing it.

motherinferior · 09/09/2004 09:56

I'd be bloody furious. Not just because of this particular game but because of his whole attitude.

Twinkie · 09/09/2004 10:07

What an utter tosser - I can;t believe he thinks playing footie is more important than his son;s 1st birthday - I would more than slap him I would burn his kit and boots and post posters around the neighbourhood with his crime emblazoned over them in big letters -I would also tell him that I would not speak to his friends who I ddid not know as I would be doing 2 parents jobs catering for the hapiness of our son on his 1st birthday!!

My god even DP is giving away his champions league ticket to come to an NCT breastfeeding class with me and he lives ofr the GOONERS!!

Blu · 09/09/2004 10:09

Twinkie - now we KNOW he loves you

Twinkie · 09/09/2004 10:11

No I just think he thinks is going to get to see lots of huge boobies!!

Blu · 09/09/2004 10:12

becca - have you got a trusted male frined that you could get to have a word with him - tell him what a crap dad he's makinhg himself look?

Look at the stick Prince Charles got (rightly) when he went to the opera when William was in hospital!

And what do the IL's have to say about this? Would his Mum / Dad say anything?

Blu · 09/09/2004 10:13

LOL twinkie!

Original poster
Beccarollover · 09/09/2004 10:22

Soupdragon - I have already said further down the thread that I wouldnt want him to stop playing football - I completely support his hobby.

In a typical week he trains on two nights, plays games (and all that involves ie pint afterwards, kick about first) on both Saturday and Sunday often goes for a long run and to the gym on the other days too plus he works shifts so he isnt around very often really!

I couldnt arrange it for another time as a) lots of people that are coming with their children work full time and I wouldnt want a party for a one year old in the evening, b) he is at footy both saturday and sunday so either of them would be out c) my sister offered to do all of the food for the party and could only do saturday as she is going on holiday d) it never for one second dawned on me he couldnt miss a football match that he plays 4 times a week - its not like its a cup final or anything.

Starting to wish I hadnt bothered now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Beccarollover · 09/09/2004 10:23

DS is my youngest - I also have a DD nearly 5 (who isnt his BTW although he is brilliant with her and thinks of her as his - this is his "first born" first birthday.

OP posts:
MeanBean · 09/09/2004 10:35

Blimey Becca, when I first read your post, I was under the impression that you were a lone parent and your DP wasn't actually living in the house. I was about to write you a post advising that lots of absent fathers put their children way down their list of priorities and you just have to get used to it, but I see that's an inappropriate piece of advice in your case!

What does he think the role of a father is? Can you explain to him that this one incident isn't the major problem, it is just symptomatic of what's wrong with his approach in general, and try and get to the bigger picture? Because I think his approach to fatherhood will become more and more of a contentious issue between you if you don't address your differing expectations. Good luck with trying to get him to grow up and see reason!

Twinkie · 09/09/2004 10:37

Becca - DP isn't DDs dad but he would no more miss her party for the world either and I would say that with this one he is going to be just the same!!

wild · 09/09/2004 11:08

at the risk of contention - I disagree it makes DP a 'crap dad' if he misses b'day party for one year old. I agree that he needs to adjust his priorities towards the family and no doubt this is a big symptom of that. But one year old is far to young to mind, and I doubt he'll care should this be 'raked up' when he's older as some have helpfully suggested. On its own I don't think its a crime to miss early part of 1st b'day party but as a last straw culminating lots of selfishness I can see you are fed up. Mind you I am the mum who admitted to giving ds a choc fairy cake with candle at 1, so there was not a lot to miss. Please try and enjoy it Becca and don't let his pigheadedness spoil your day
Wish you well

Original poster
Beccarollover · 10/09/2004 18:01

I do agree with you wild - Ive probably reacted the way I have as its not the first time - it just raises the question about his idea of family life I suppose

I was meant to book our wedding for next year today but didnt - which has made me sad in itself but I want us finally setting the date to be a happy time.....it also reminded me that when I first went to see venue ended up going on my own as they could only fit us in a certain day and yep you guessed it he had to go to training ! lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Beccarollover · 11/09/2004 08:17

Im talking to myself now but anyway.....

Woke up at about 6am to DP texting someone, his football manager to say that he wasnt going.

Now, I dont know what made him change his mind as right up until last night he was being really awful, stubborn and quite nasty about it.

Im just hoping now he doesnt strop around all day because he woul rather be at football.

OP posts:
fabarooney · 11/09/2004 08:29

Well, glad he has seen sense at last. Just don't let him guilt you into feeling bad for him when he is only doing the right thing.

charliecat · 11/09/2004 08:43

Glad hes coming, pity he had to be such an idiot about it though isnt it? Have a nice day all of you!
He will not probably expect you to be grateful hes around...

edam · 11/09/2004 10:54

Hey Becca glad he's seen the light. You could do Little Angels: if he's grumpy, ignore him if he's nice lots of appreciation! Men, huh, just overgrown toddlers...

sis · 11/09/2004 20:24

Oh good, I hope the whole family have had a great party!

earlygirl · 11/09/2004 20:34

can i 'join' this thread please(dont wish to start one)
im raging cause my dp has taken ds out today who is ill with teething(maybe a virus) running temp and brought him back boiling hot from the car(confessed to having the heater on ???)
i gave him a bag with calpol nurophen etc to take with them and he(ds)was fine when he left- and dp thinks its ok to bring him back in this state very hot and lethargic and clingy and that i am a cow for going mad at him
i really feel like i should leave him and he is just not fit to be a responsible dad
ps he has this wierd notion that making ds hot will 'help sweat it out of him'
contary to the advice of nhs direct

i think he has gone mad
and i will be joiming the lone parents thread v shortly
hes now upstairs reading story pretending to be the worlds best dad

Flossam · 11/09/2004 21:39

Aww, earlygirl. I think you've seen my other thread, men, I'm rapidly concluding are truely stupid ! I'm sorry he has upset you but try and look at the bright side? Atleast he wants to take your DS out and spend time with him! That should be encouraged? Men do lack in commen sense quite often. I'm sorry your son is poorly but I think leaving him is a bit drastic! Hope you sort things out.

Becca! Hoooray! So glad for his change of heart.