Husband diagnosed with..

[lulabaloo]

ADHD. Things have been strained for years, 3 children and he seems to not be able to cope. Sometimes i feel it would be easier to end relationship.
He went to psychiatrist last month after talking to his doctor, this was a last bid to save us. I'm not sure what I'm asking really, i don't no what to do. Everything seems to be about him and how i should be supporting him now while I'm left taking all the strain of the kids, working and housework.

You need to do what's best fr you and the children. It's good he's had a diagnosis, hopefully he will get some support. However if your marriage isn't working this doesn't change that.

And I suspect what you want is permission to be 'selfish'

Is he getting any medication?

I no and i think you are right, i feel like i need someone to tell me what to do. Am i being selfish ending things before he has been medicated and given the chance to be happy again. I just don't no.

kaytee87 not yet, waiting for his report to come back and another appointment to discuss medication. We are booked onto an ADHD support group. But had an argument last night and he said he didn't want me to go, but he says a lot of things when he gets in a 'mood'.

I think if he has some good points then I'd probably give it a trial until he's had time to come to terms with it and receive the right support / medication.
I think you need to go to the support group as this affects you nearly as much as it affects him.
I'd be reading up on adhd and seeing if there's anything else you can do to make family life run easier/ coping mechanisms.
Overall though I'd say that his adhd isn't an excuse for him to treat you or the kids poorly.

Yeah we have already made a few changes to try and make things easier for him. But i do think now he is using it as an excuse for a lot of things or if we argue he says i dont support him.
He has got a lot of good points tho, this is why it is so hard. Thanks for your replys.

How about a trial separation? Review in three months

@lulabaloo hey I'm sorry to hear this. What symptoms did he have? If possible can you list because I think my partner has the same issue

Don't let him use his diagnosis as an excuse to dump all the childcare and shitwork on you.

Mental Health issues are no excuse for shitty, selfish behaviour.

What does he do while you're working and doing all the housework?

I suspect my ex has adhd. Symptoms seemed to match him very well.

It was a nightmare!

He is hot headed, can't multitask, can't focus on activity, gets obsessed about something then drops it like it never mattered. Impulsive, disorganised. Can't cope with stress. Obviously when he gets stressed he is so hot headed then 2 mins later he is apologising. And obviously hypo he is so loud and when in social situations he has to be the 1 talking and interrupts everyone. Obviously he has his good points aswel but since having children the stress from him has gone thru the roof.

What do you mean by 'hot headed'?

ADHD is a neurological condition not a mental health condition, though it has knock on effects for mental health as it affects stress levels, makes anxiety and depression more likely.

As long as he is not being abusive and you are not in danger, I would wait until he is stable on medication (it can take a while and a few trials) as lots of the points you’ve made about what makes him difficult can be overcome with the correct medication.

My DS has fairly mild ADHD and medication has made such a huge difference both to him and the family. We were really struggling with his moods and the emotional rollercoaster before he tried medication. He can control his temper much better (mostly!) and he’s much happier in himself and less anxious.

He’s still very difficult to get him to do anything, but lists and reminders help a lot. We use reminders on Alexa before school and we have to keep on reminding. It’s exhausting but then he is also so loving and very funny.

Earslaps yeah he is getting really depressive lately. He is never aggressive or i would never feel scared that he would hurt us. Just hope he can get medication as soon as possible to make every day life easier.

I'm not surprised he's been depressed- having ADHD and living in a neurotypical world is hard work. He has probably spent years being told he's lazy, naughty, forgetful, stupid, rude and so on. Anyone who has lived like that would struggle with their self-esteem.

There is so much negative press about ADHD medication, but numerous studies show that it can work and it is life changing for many. We ran out of DS's meds for a while due to a mix up and he was horrible- he still managed to get by and pass for 'normal' in class but his teacher noticed that he was over emotional, more easily frustrated, then he got home and took it all out on us. With medication he's just a normal 9yo (so still a pain in the bum frequently ).

I really recommend watching 'How to ADHD' channel on YouTube, lots of tips and tricks to help ADHDers and to help their friends and family understand them.

I've recently been diagnosed. I always coped when I didnt have much responsibility but since kids and post thirties when 'adulting' is essential I've been slowly drowning. Doing really weird stuff and trying to pretend I'm a responsible adult. Fucking up all over the place - you wouldnt believe the shit I've done, forgotten, put off because I just didn't know where to start. It got to the point I couldn't even go to the supermarket or let anyone in my house or car as it was all such a mess. I've felt such a failure, I just didnt know myself why it all felt impossible and everyone else managed. I got defensive and secretive and people got so exasperated with me.

I actually posted on here several months ago at breaking point and was advised I might have ADHD and I did.

Anyway, this isn't to guilt trip you but if there is any love left for this bloke give him an opportunity to get his shit together.

But dont enable him and allow him to make excuses. If he does, let him go as you have eough to do.

We've done things that have benefited the whole house to help me. Big noticeboards with rotas for everything. Alarm clocks. Online shopping lists and meal plans. To be fair, that's because I was doing a lot of the 'wife work' anyway ( albeit badly) so it might not be as relevant for your husband. But we're all enjoying more structure.

I would say as well, so far, the meds are not a cure. They help but they are not going to make everything better. I am working really hard to sort myself out and I still have days and weeks where it all goes to shit but it's more 'all right' now. Im not using it as an excuse but Im not telling myself how useless and stupid I am either. My DP is supportive - not doing everything for me but he helps me break a situation down and prioritise. We have a chat on a sunday night about the week. I know its common for partners to feel they now have to look after their ADHD spouse and take on more things to ensure it gets done. It shouldnt be the case. Things might need to be done differently. It might need a more relaxed attitude to certain things, but life goes on.

I imagine he'd feel better about himself if he took on responsibility and managed it.

Ps the hotheadedness! I can really relate. It actually makes me emotional.thinking about it. I was so frustrated with myself constantly. When things went wrong, which was all the time, I just got so angry with myself, i would have an outburst. There would be people around me but the person I was angry with was me. Ans then I wiuld be so upset because afterwards it didnt feel like that was me and I would be so sorry to everyone who witnessed it. All that is so much better now I understand everything better

suspiciousmind007 i agree and relate to everything you have said. Thank you. I feel like at the minute he is making excuses for a lot of things and im taking the full on pressure of everything. I keep crying.
We have been to a counselling group today which i felt positive leaving there, I'm not sure if we will last but i feel i need to try till at least he has been medicated. Its hard for both of us but we can't just stay together for the children. They are already picking up on arguments (which i feel so bad about).
But he does have his good points, we have started writing things down that need doing, just a couple a day so he isn't overloaded and he does try to do them.

Earslap yeah i no what you mean, a lot of people we have told just don't believe it exists. They think he is a loud mouth and ignorant . I really hope the medication helps but i no its not a miracle cure and we have to do all the hard work changing our ways and attitude.

Have you been on the addittude mag online site? It can be helpful. And totallyadd.com is good too - it can be really funny, the.lighter side of it all, get your DH to have a look.

There's a lot fo helpful things but also stuff about the plus points of the way your brain works. I get some good ideas from those sites (dont remember half of them like haha) and its nice that its talked about as a difference, with some pros, that you can work with and not something entirely terrible.

My diagnosis has helped me be kinder to myself and realise its OK if things dont get done or I dont manage all the time.

That is so easily translated into making excuses though. Where do you draw the line? I guess my partner continues to support and helps because I am trying so hard. If he was doing everything and I wasn't trying, he'd feel like you do. You've every right to instigate the split if its all gone too far.

I read the important thing was to get the ADHD treatment first as doctors try and treat the depression and anxiety, which are caused by the ADHD, and ignore the ADHD. But I've realised its very important to do both.

Without my anxiety meds, I wouldnt care anymore. I'd have given up. I didnt see how important it was to treat that at the same time at first.

Also, could any of your kids be ADHD with it being highly inheritable? This would be adding more difficulties for you if so?

Yeah husband was prescribed anti depressants last year but he felt they didn't help, then obviously the ADHD came up. I think sometimes i do expect too much as i like the house clean and tidy and how i left it in the mornings so when i get back from work late and husband has been home for few hours with kids and its a bit of a mess i do have a moan, but since diagnosis i have tried to be more relaxed about it all or doing it myself once kids are in bed.
I have just put a referral form thru for my oldest with the school, year 4, he hasn't got the hyperactivity its more the concentration and other things. That's another worry as this wasn't picked up until now. So obviously i feel guilty 😭.

My husband has adhd. It's hard work but it took me about 2years to fully understand his triggers and to 'cope' it's not used as an excuse and not the same as a mental health condition it's a neurological disorder which we can't see.

I don't let him take medication because it's methamphetamines that over time increases how hard his heart pumps and in the long run he will not live as long. So I manage the environment he is in.

I can't tell you how many times I have cried and been frustrated with resentment with cleaning and his lack of helping clean or doing half of it. BUT it's nothing compared to how much he beats himself up about letting me down and not being able to do it himself.

@Littleraindrop15 Surely it's your husband's decision whether to take medication, not yours? He's suffering and that medication could help.

I can't believe I've just read that!

It's a bit different to normal medication. For example if he is home and playing games all day he isn't exactly suffering so doesn't need to take it. However if we are going out and doing shopping or attending a function that's when the medication is actually helpful. So by managing his environment he doesn't have to take the medication as often as he needs to. If we go to a wedding or an event where he can't wear his headphones he will take it but day to day it's avoided.

It wasn't a dictatorship decision from me I discussed it with him and thought of a different approach and he is happy as it was initially his own concern about the heart rate. At first I was quite happy about the medication but when he pointed out the side effects and the long term its not worth it for a clean house iyswim