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Original poster

DP has never loved anyone before

36 replies

BigFatZiggy · 05/03/2019 23:04

My DP of over 7 months has told me that he’s never truly been in love with anyone before meeting me.

I’m late 40s he’s early 50s and we are both divorced / separated. We’ve had a similar amount of partners and we were both married for 20-odd years (both unhappily for many years).

I have memories of being ‘in love’ with former partners in my 20s and in the early days with my Ex husband.

DP said that he had GFs he was fond of, but he didn’t really love them, or his Ex wife, (he claims it was a marriage of convenience and more like ‘friends’ early on and then became steadily more and more unpleasant).

I feel rather emotional about this - and horribly sad for him. He’s kind, sensitive and very loving, but says he’s just not used to being ‘in love’ as he is now, with me. I have no reason to doubt his feelings for me, that’s not the issue.

He says he has irrational worries that I might suddenly start behaving like his Ex (in a critical unpleasant way).

Just not sure how to support him really.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 05/03/2019 23:08

Why do you need to support him? Surely after only 7 months you just see how it goes.

Original poster
BigFatZiggy · 05/03/2019 23:12

Yes... I suppose we just carry as things are really. There aren’t any issues , other than the fact that it’s an unfamiliar feeling to him - happy but also having to open up and be vulnerable I guess.

Happy is NOT a familiar feeling for him.

Just wondered if anyone else had experience of this?

OP posts:
Ahardyfool · 05/03/2019 23:13

He’s heaped a lot of responsibility on you here really hasn’t he? Or at least the way you’ve taken these comments means he has. I’m not sure of what he said was merely a compliment or whether he is unwisely placing you on a pedestal from which you might be afraid to tumble.

Original poster
BigFatZiggy · 05/03/2019 23:17

It came up in conversation quite randomly really... I asked who else he’d really loved in his life and he said “Nobody” (after I’d remembered a couple of BFs from years ago).

I may be overthinking this - please tell me if you think so... I’ve just not come across this before I suppose.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 05/03/2019 23:22

Sorry, but I think you are overthinking it. I think you're looking to 'save' him. It might seem all romantic and you're his 1st true love. I think he's spinning a line and you're falling for it. Those kinds of relationships become suffocating and mentally exhausting very quickly for the person trying to do the saving.

Gardai · 05/03/2019 23:42

My ex said exactly the same things to me. I twitched a bit when I read your post. You don’t have to worry about his ‘lack’ of love in the past, it’s not your problem.
Do watch what he says closely in future and don’t take everything as the gospel just because he says it.

AfterSchoolWorry · 05/03/2019 23:48

Huh.

Firstly, I don't believe him. He's probably selectively remembering all the bad parts of his relationships. Handy though, it's designed to make you jump through hoops to be 'the one'.

Happy is NOT a familiar feeling for him

Hmm. Do you really want to get close to someone who is this high maintenance? Working very hard to rescue him from this 50 year long string of bad luck?

I think he might be an attention seeker.

Sally2791 · 05/03/2019 23:57

Hmm. I think he is making you responsible for his happiness. If he hasn't been happy until now, I don't think anything will change. Proceed with caution ,there's a reason he's telling you that.

Sally2791 · 06/03/2019 00:00

And possibly anything you do that doesn't suit might be you becoming like his "awful" ex wife

NotTheFordType · 06/03/2019 00:04

He's probably said the same to every woman he's been with.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/03/2019 00:04

His past isn’t your responsibility. Neither is his happiness.

You need to be equal, mutually supportive partners. No saving of anyone, or worrying about how to pour your energy into healing and bolstering someone.

Of course healing happens between partners but it can’t be one-sided or proscribed.

You sound uneasy, and I’m not surprised. Take it slow, don’t get sucked into anything which turns out to be manipulation.

RugbyRugby · 06/03/2019 00:06

The only man I've ever met who claimed to have only loved one woman was a raging narcissist.

The truth was he was incapable of loving anyone at all, it wasn't in his make up but in order to manage his grandiosity he had to convince himself he was normal and capable of love. The way he did this was to select one woman who was the best he could get and decided he loved her.

Red flag I'd say - claiming only to love one woman even if its you.

SlipperOrchid · 06/03/2019 00:10

I have loved and been loved, not by the same people. It happens. We fall into a muddle and carry on until one or the other becomes dissatisfied with things. I wouldn't have thought it was that unusual tbh.

I've also been with someone who had never been in love. Despite never feeling what he felt for me with anyone else, he managed to have one night stands, meet someone and have a child with her. All this time, he contacted me to tell me how he didn't love the mother of his child! I felt for the exes. I felt for his partner. He had either lied to his exes or was lying to me. Neither showed him in a good light.

Worrying that you will start criticising him is a red flag too. Look into the future, he really annoys and upset you. You complain and criticise his behaviour. He accuses you of being just like his ex wife.

AuntieStella · 06/03/2019 00:12

Did you realise that in the opening post, you make him sound terribly controlling?

He says he has irrational worries that I might suddenly start behaving like his Ex (in a critical unpleasant way)

That is blatant, and very concerning.

And all that stuff about never known love like this before, is utter bollocks. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh. But it's a classic line of love-bombing. Which is another red flag.

Can I ask, why did you post? What's worrying you?

coffeechoc · 06/03/2019 05:04

I agree with Rugby, red flag here and I wouldn't be hanging around.

Porpoises · 06/03/2019 05:25

Everyone else's doubts are certainly something to consider. But on the other hand, he could be someone who's come out of a long term verbally abusive relationship - it would be normal to be scared about the same thing happening with a new partner.

I'd certainly keep my eyes open for other warning signs, but on this alone it could go either way.

pissedonatrain · 06/03/2019 05:36

He's full of crap. Sounds like you are being set up to be the next bad ex.

NabooThatsWho · 06/03/2019 05:40

At 7 months you don’t even truly know each other yet. You have no idea of how honest he is.

I had a dodgy feeling reading your post.
Just take your time and don’t rush this relationship.

Musti · 06/03/2019 08:38

It's easy to forget how we felt at the beginning of relationships that went on to become loveless or sour. I can't believe I ever felt what I felt for my ex. Reading his letters to me i can't comprehend it.

MarthasGinYard · 06/04/2019 14:46

'My DP of over 7 months has told me that he’s never truly been in love with anyone before meeting me.'

Amazing what they come out with huh

PicsInRed · 06/04/2019 15:06

He idealises, devalues and discards.
You are in the idealise phase.
You will inevitably be devalued and discarded.

During devalue, he will begin to erase all good memories and by the time discard occurs, he will consider that he never loved you and that the relationship was horrible...and that this is all due to your actions and inherent faults.

Tread carefully. Really, you'll save yourself heartache and wasted time by exiting now. He's already grooming you to take on all responsibility for the success (and failure) of the relationship.

ChristmasFluff · 06/04/2019 17:08

SO glad all the previous posters have seen what I have seen. This statement is directly out of 'The Toxic Partner's Playbook' (this is a made-up book, but they all seem to have read it).

He's setting you up to pull you down. He's telling you how he wants you to behave by pointing out the faults in his exes. He's coming over as the deeply damaged man that only you can save.

Something to consider re a point from a pp about how he may have been the one who was abused. People who have been abused in the past can usually easily recall being in love, often many times. We have very often been love addicts - throwing ourselves into relationships with abandon, sacrificing our needs completely for the needs of our partner. That's why we were such good targets for abusers. That's what makes me think he is highly unlikely to have been a victim of abuse, and much more likely to have been a perpetrator.

Listen to the other things he says - they always tell you who they are, but it's so easy to explain away what they say. He's telling you he has never been in love, and married a woman he didn't love.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Take care of your heart.

AgentJohnson · 06/04/2019 17:19

Do not get sucked into the ‘your the only who can...’ dynamic. Your immediate response to feel sorry for him and to not act in a way that might trigger his past anxieties about his past relationship, are worrying. It’s his responsibility to deal with his issues not your job to modify your behaviour to accommodate them.

ElspethFlashman · 06/04/2019 17:23

Yep.

Idealise.

Devalue.

Discard.

He's lovebombing you. And he's already basically warning you not to be like his psycho exes? This lad has more red flags than Chairman Mao.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/04/2019 17:39

Ooh, I would be VERY careful with this man. That's a couple of huge red flags he's just waved at you!

"He says he has irrational worries that I might suddenly start behaving like his Ex (in a critical unpleasant way)."
Ah, the ex - someone you've never met but he paints as a bad, bad, bad person. And he's just instructed you (yes - that was an instruction, even if you don't recognise it as such) not to behave in any way this person-you've-never-met did. You don't know them, you don't know how they behaved. This gives him carte blanche to criticise anything you might do because it's reminiscent of her.

"DP said that he had GFs he was fond of, but he didn’t really love them, or his Ex wife, (he claims it was a marriage of convenience and more like ‘friends’ early on and then became steadily more and more unpleasant)."
I call bullshit. As in, he's lying. And in the unlikely event he isn'y lying, I'd say he's emotionally deficient. Rewriting his history to support the narrative he's trying to sell you (yes, he is) is another huge red flag.

"I feel rather emotional about this - and horribly sad for him."
I rather think that was the idea behind him telling you this.

Tread carefully Ziggy. Tread very carefully.