DP has never loved anyone before

[BigFatZiggy]

My DP of over 7 months has told me that he’s never truly been in love with anyone before meeting me.

I’m late 40s he’s early 50s and we are both divorced / separated. We’ve had a similar amount of partners and we were both married for 20-odd years (both unhappily for many years).

I have memories of being ‘in love’ with former partners in my 20s and in the early days with my Ex husband.

DP said that he had GFs he was fond of, but he didn’t really love them, or his Ex wife, (he claims it was a marriage of convenience and more like ‘friends’ early on and then became steadily more and more unpleasant).

I feel rather emotional about this - and horribly sad for him. He’s kind, sensitive and very loving, but says he’s just not used to being ‘in love’ as he is now, with me. I have no reason to doubt his feelings for me, that’s not the issue.

He says he has irrational worries that I might suddenly start behaving like his Ex (in a critical unpleasant way).

Just not sure how to support him really.

I had a partner who said this. It was- I realise now- pretty dysfunctional. He was nearing 40 at the time, had been married, had had two significant relationships. Maybe I’m coloured by what came after but I would say that was one of numerous red flags.

So now you have to dance around him being all perfect as he’s never been in love with anyone before.

My ex told me that, too.
I was his soulmate.

Of course, now you've been told that he is worried you may (insert behaviour) you'll be determined to prove that you're different, in that you won't cause waves.. thus leaving him to do as he pleases.

Or maybe I'm just cynical.

He sounds like a master manipulator, conveniently rewriting history to set you up to fail. ‘I love you now, but don’t you dare start acting like my wife did.’

I doubt that his Ex would agree that they began their marriage as ‘friends.’ He would have told her and at least some of his girlfriends that he loved them.

How in the world will you ever be able to show any disappointment or anger, or even have a disagreement with him? Will you swallow you feelings to keep from being like her?

He's probably said the same to every woman he's been with

Yep.

And you probably feel really special. Your relationship is special. He can now get away with all sorts of terrible behaviours, because he's so unfamiliar with how to act in a proper relationship.

Hope I'm wrong....

IME this type of person is putting all the responsibility for his happiness on his partner.
It usually starts by them telling you lots of things to make you feel very sorry for them...it could be anything from awful relationships, abusive childhood etc.

He will be telling you how there are certain things that he cannot tolerate e.g. criticism of any kind, also usually involves a number of his house rules you have to follow to make him happy.
They very quickly, once you have committed(moving in together),need to have total control of how things go in their life.
If he is this type you will soon end up walking on eggshells as he takes control of your life.
One way to test the waters with him is to actually disagree with him on a particular topic and watch his reaction...silent treatment, burst of anger, sarcasm, passive aggressive behaviour.
Actions speak louder than words and you need to be alert to any red flags.
He may be none of these things but just be careful and put your own emotional wellbeing first.

This sounds like the sort of bullshit speech my manipulative, EA, ex would make.

Dump him. From a cliff, if you can. He's most likely a professional victim
intheknowwithro.blogspot.com/2014/02/nine-types-of-abusers-who-are-you.html

I would be very suspicious of someone who had reached their 50s and said they had never been in love, yet had had several relationships.. i would be thinking perhaps he's just not capable of it. Once the honeymoon period is over (i.e. the stage you are in at the moment) and the oxytocin etc in his brain that is causing his declarations of love, has died down...maybe he's just not capable of forming a meaningful intimate lasting bond with someone. It's not possible all his exes were unlovable.

Yup, red flags ahoy!

Ewwwww. He's trying to manipulate you. By being a whingy man child. So unattractive

Doesn’t sound great op. Even if I hated my ex now I wouldn’t insult the memory by saying I never loved him.

I could understand if he had been in one forced marriage all his life. But he’s hasn’t has he.