Don't know where to start

[Jamill]

So after 15 years together and 10 years of marriage my husband has said it is over, he isn't in love with me anymore.

Things haven't been great for a while but and 2 weeks ago he wanted to fix things but now he has said it is too late and he doesn't feel like that about me anymore.

Due to finances he is still at home and acts completely normal in front of the kids, i am heartbroken and struggling to cope if I'm honest. Haven't got out of bed today and phoned in sick all week.

How do people manage to get through this, i don't even know where to start.

So sorry this is happening - devastating i know.

Do you know his reasons - when he wanted to fix it 2 weeks ago what did he feel the issues were?

He said we just needed to wotk together to talk through what we both want from each other, that offer is fully off the table now.

I just get the I'll always love you card. It physically hurts at the moment, ive been with him since i was 17 and don't know how to do this on my own.

I would put it to him that as a couple with DC , he should at least consider marriage counselling.And after all those years. together, surely he owes you that. You can't force anybody to do anything of course.
Dissatisfaction with his life in general may make him think that if he wasn't married with DCs full time , things might be better.
And at least counselling may give yourself some guidance as how to continue on.
So sorry that this is happening to you

Thank you for replying as feel so alone with this.

I have asked him countless times over the last week to try marriage counselling but he isn't willing to, he just keeps saying its done and i just need to accept that. I got one hours sleep last night so not feeling great today but i know i need to sort myself out so i can support the kids. I honestly don't think my dd can cope with this, she doesn't leave his side and idolises him. It really ia going to break her and she is perfect.

Sounds like he is totally checked out . So unfair as he has already decided and expects you to just accept things and move on. Meanwhile this is all news to you and
You must feel so traumatised. He is a selfish creep in that as well as the marriage , he doesn't seem to be taking the DCs into consideration
Do you have any support in RL? Someone who could may be collect kids today , so you can catch up on some sleep?
You are such a good Mum as you are putting the DCs needs above your own. Your DD will know that you will be there for her.
Try and be kind to yourself.If he is still in the house - how difficult that must be - tell him he has to pick up the slack if understandably you are not feeling very capable.
Truly sorry that you are in this position.But

just taking one day at a time really did help me.Other MNers told me this and I thought I would never get over the heartbreak. Still struggle some times but I am so much better every day
You can do this.

Thank you for your kind words, he has fully checked out. I keep thinking maybe if i had worked harder to fix things 2 weeks ago then we wouldn't be here but i need to realise if he can be this over me already then it wouldn't have worked anyway.

My DS is a bit older and very close to me so while i know it will affect him so much too it is my dd i am worried about. Her dad always instilled family life being everything from day one and now he is taking that away from her.

DH has a hobby that he puts a lot of time into and the last year this has taken priority over me so i think he is looking forward to being able to do whatever he wants but i think he will regret it. I can't change his mind now so i have said i will work with him to sort everything out for the kids, i don't want to argue.

I have my biggest wobble when i think about the time i am going to miss with my children that i can never get back, but i don't have a choice in this.

This is a shock isnt it because he has been thinking of this for a while and expects you to accept it immediately and move on. Try and get some rest and eat to keep your strength up. My exh had an affair after 14 years marriage and we had been together since i was 17. I was lost for a while then each day it got better. I tried not to think too far ahead as it was overwhelming. Thought i’d never get over it but I did, and frankly it was the making of me. Think your husband should agree to counselling. Its not your fault.

What do you mean the time you will miss with your kids? You mean when they see him?

Its a massive shock, i know things haven't been great but not sure how he can suddenly not love me?

I haven't been too bad today until this afternoon when i had a big wobble, the kids don't know and i am dreading what this is going to do to them, yes the time i will miss with them when he has them, sharing christmas, birthdays etc

Be kind to yourself while you get used to the idea.

Do you think he has thought seriously about what splitting up means with regard to moving out and not seeing the kids so much? Also that he will be looking after the kids by himself! Is he used to that?

Do you think he has met someone who does his hobby?

I don't think he has thought about how hard things are going to be, is will be fine looking after them.

I have thought there is someone else as i would have bet my life he wouldn't turn as cold as this on me! I have asked him and obviously he has said there isn't.

I just feel so lost, don't know if i can do this, it is physical pain and i was sick earlier from thinking about things.

I'm so sorry. He hasn't 'suddenly stopped' though. It's sudden to you because he has been mulling this over for x time and just dropped it on you. You are now expected to catch up, get over it and be fine NOW. My ex did this too when he left for ow. He was 'kind' to me for a few weeks but then got increasingly nasty and impatient when my ongoing distress was making him feel like the dick he was.

There's not a great deal you can do wit regard to his mindset but absolutely do not beg, cry and plead. Nothing is less likely to succeed. If you can possibly manage it, be calm, practical, start working out a schedule for childcare that involves him as much as you can bear. Bollocks to him swanning off to his hobby unencumbered. He'll have the kids EOW minimum..

Thank you Angrybird123 you are right it obviously isn't sudden to him.

Unfortunately all i have done is beg, plead and cry, for nearly two weeks he said he didn't know what he wanted and i had to wait, then after some begging last Thurs he said he would try and that lasted till sunday when he went missing for 5 hours and said he just needed to be left alone and then Sunday night said it was done and he has no feelings for me, he is quite a loving person so i know he is telling the truth as he literally has no emotion towards me anymore.

I started today telling him a potential rota for the kids that would work with work and kids activities and he thanked me for that but as the day has gone on the panic has set in more and more and i feel like going full begging mode again. He said last night that i needed to get some self respect and maybe he is right. I just want the kids to be ok.

He has absolutely no right to be angry with you.. How bloody dare he. How about he takes the kids for the next few days so YOU can have the luxury of buggering off on your own. He's angry because he knows he is putting you through hell and he is having to witness the impact of that. There mayor may not be an OW but at this point it doesn't matter. Don't beat yourself up for begging. Most of us have done it because we can see what is being destroyed. I remember feeling like I was screaming at my ex but he was in a glass box and couldn't hear me.
If it is practically possible, do just clear off for a couple of days. Go to your parents, a friend, get real life support. Do. Not be ashamed or embarrassed.. Absolutely no one is going to be thinking badly of you in this scenario. Try and eat and drink.

If he is determined to go, then tell him to get on with it. He can't drop this on you then expect you to cope with him hanging about. Tell him to find somewhere else and that you'll set up contact arrangements. There are lots and lots of threads on here about the practicalities of splitting up and right now you probably don't want to hear them. I remember sitting in a solicitors office talking about contact and maintenance and not quite believing this was my life. Take one day at a time but do please try to get off the mat ASAP and get some formal legal advice. Don't let him tell you what will happen or what you are / aren't entitled to. He is no longer on your side.. That is the hardest and most Important thing to remember. Good luck x

You need to do something like the 180 - beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

I'm not usually a big fan of this kind of thing, but you need to stop begging and you need to start putting value on yourself, even if you don't feel it. People only walk on door-mats.

Oh i think i have hit the angry stage, i kept wanting to text him today about different things that i was thinking so instead wrote it down and as one last ditch attempt i have just gone through it all with him and absolutely broke my heart to him, having to stop a few times due to a panic attack but he just got annoyed! I have said all i have to say now so I'll let him get on with it. Although that still means having to put up with him in my house till finances are sorted.

I feel so angry , he says he will be happier alone! Go for it then!

Thanks i will have a look at that link, i need to rebuild me, i have no option but to be strong enough to so this!

Well done.. Keep that anger for now to get you through this. Maybe remind him he won't be alone because he has two kids.. Or does he assume that seeing them 4 days a month is a perfectly acceptable level of fathering?

So sorry you are going through this op. As others have said he has already checked out and has had time to process this so he is being cruel and heartless getting angry with you. Take it a day even an hour at a time make sure you eat and stay hydrated.

Honestly all your advice has helped so much already. I found i was getting myself into a wreck if i thought too far ahead so i am going to try and take things as they come.

I have reminding him that while he is still under the same roof as me he needs to remain respectful to his actions and behaviours as it is hard. After our talk earlier i have told him i accept it is over and nothing will change his mind. Big hill to climb now. I am going to take the remainder of the week off work then get back on it next week as there is a promotion i am after.

Honestly all thank you so much, i do have friends irl to talk to but have found that others can be more practical with advice. I even rang Samaritans last week when i was so upset as felt like i didn't want to talk to anyone that knew me, then felt like i was wasting their time.

How dare he tell you off for getting emotional! And to say have some self respect is unforgivable.Remember these words if you find yourself thinking of any redeeming features he might have had.

He just doesn't want to deal with the fallout from his actions.Too bad for him. He has lost any right to tell you how to react to anything.

I too , called the Samaratins , absolutey distraught.The woman I spoke to was so supportive and assured me that I was not wasting their time.She really helped me that day and said I was dealing with trauma and shock.

So gratifying to hear that, in the midst of all you are going through , you mention going for promotion . You are stronger than you think .You go for it!

Thank you! It is so so hard but i have no choice but to do this so I'm going to do it properly.

I want to be able to take the mortgage on by myself and i think i can do that. Only 2 bed house so kids have had to share for so long but as soon as he is gone i am giving them their own rooms, they will love that and at least have some security here.

Seems like i have a long road ahead of me so i need to look after myself so i can be a mum they deserve.

I would also read the website entitled Chumplady.

Do not continue to do the pick me dance; if he wants out of the marriage then he should leave the marital home. He really has no moral right now to live within it and your children will pick up on the atmosphere and antipathy between you two. Show him what loss of you means and consider seeking legal advice asap on divorce, children and the property. He is not on your side nor your friend here and he could well become unreasonable regarding any divorce settlement.

There may or may not be another woman involved but she may well appear at some stages.

Good to hear you sounding stronger; great you have a job too and can take on the mortgage. I think you’ ll feel a huge sense of relief once he is gone you may not fully appreciate the strain of the last few months perhaps. Do let your friends help you. I found self help books useful too. Paul mckenna does one about mending a broken heart which has some useful tips for focusing your mind in a positive way. Redecorate the house perhaps? I remember making my bathroom pink - because i could. Take it slowly and be kind to yourself

And yes get some legal advice too dont assume he will play fair x

Yes you both need to start the process - legal advice
Then contact and financial plan and when is he going to move out

This very much sounds like he wants to do his hobby etc

Is be asking him to leave the house. It’s not fair on you for him to stay if he’s decided he wants out.

Make a rota for jobs and childcare so you get time to yourself too.

Go and see a solicitor. He’s not your friend anymore so don’t expect him to play nicely