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Original poster

Is it always wrong to date your ex's friend?

38 replies

youngergirl · 05/03/2019 16:25

I would love the advice of some users who have a bit more life experience than me.

I am in my mid-twenties, and have spent the last two years gradually splitting up with the boyfriend I've been with since I was 17. By this I mean that he broke up with me two years ago when he was having some mental health issues, but quickly regretted it and asked to reconcile, and we've been on and off ever since. In November we ended it for good, and it was an incredibly hard decision.

About a year ago I got a new job, close to the workplace of a friend of my ex's. We started having lunches and after work drinks together, and ended up falling for each other. I tried to resist the temptation to act on it but didn't stop seeing him, and eventually we told each other how we felt and slept together.

Do you think there are any circumstances in which it would be acceptable for me to pursue this relationship, or was it a mistake to ever tell him about my feelings.

My ex and I had a wonderful and special relationship, and I have always believed we would stay in each others' lives. He would be devastated and furious if he found out what I have done.

Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation??? I'm so confused

OP posts:

Lalaloopylu · 05/03/2019 18:39

Hi, I was with my EXP for 5 years and had a DC. We were split up for around 4 years when his friend and I started talking and getting close etc. His friend did speak to EXP to tell him he was going to ask me out and EXP said whatever.
We're together now 8 years, married for 4 with 2 other DC. EXP doesn't speak to either of us now(only texts to confirm contact with DC) as he now says he wasn't ok with it.
But me and DH have an amazing marriage and although it was tough at the start and we were judged by a lot of people I would do it all again as you only get 1 shot at life so be happy 😁

NameChangeNugget · 05/03/2019 18:52

His anger should be with his so called friend, not you.

Kismetjayn · 05/03/2019 18:54

How close are they as friends?

IvanaPee · 05/03/2019 18:55

I think you were wrong not to say it to ex before you shagged him.

There’ll be plenty of people along to tell you that people don’t own people, he’s an ex etc and while technically true if you care about your ex, you should have told him. Not asked permission, but told him.

As an aside, be cautious about jumping into another relationship too quickly. You’re young and it doesn’t sound like you’ve ever really been single!

You can’t take back what happened and you shouldn’t regret it, but I’d still mention it, if only for your own peace of mind.

PCohle · 05/03/2019 19:04

I don't think it's a very nice thing to do to be honest, and I think you feel the same or you wouldn't be asking.

That said, the final responsibility lies with the "friend" not with you. I'm not sure I would want to be in a relationship with a man who would be happy to betray a friend in this sort of way though. It doesn't speak very highly of his character.

Frecklesonmyarm · 05/03/2019 19:24

So you snagged his best mate while on again, off again with your ex?

Frecklesonmyarm · 05/03/2019 19:25

shagged

Frecklesonmyarm · 05/03/2019 19:25

That said, the final responsibility lies with the "friend" not with you.

Why?

PCohle · 05/03/2019 19:29

Because he's the one with the current, ongoing relationship with the ex-bf.

WhatWouldDavinaDo · 05/03/2019 19:34

I had a two year relationship with someone (late teens) & ended up marrying his best friend.

Although originally awkward, he was an usher at our wedding & my DH & I attended his wedding a few years later.

In my opinion- life’s too short.

TooManyPuppies · 05/03/2019 19:40

Personally I'd never date an ex's friend but I'd also never date my friends ex. It's just weird to do so and I'd be disrespecting my friend. It would feel weird for me too knowing them as a friends partner it would be like dating a family member to me.

Everyone's views on that differs but I feel it's a no go zone for me out of respect for my friend on top of any other reason.

crazyhead · 05/03/2019 20:36

In the end the ex bit is irrelevant - you don’t have lifelong rights over someone you once went out with (for instance, my dsis’s DP is a close friend of her ex, and everyone is happy and positive). It’s more a question of the crossover and of leaving a decent time lapse. If this whole thing is going to make you feel guilty and grubby, why not just leave it for a while? If this new man is mr right there may be a better time for it.

PinkHeart5914 · 05/03/2019 20:39

I don’t think it’s wrong at all. What 2 single people get up to is nobody else business and nobody owns an ex!

Frecklesonmyarm · 05/03/2019 21:17

Because he's the one with the current, ongoing relationship with the ex-bf.

There was a cross over for a year. She says her relationship with the ex is special and she always wants him in her life.

PCohle · 05/03/2019 21:29

When I was in my mid-20s I thought I wanted to stay friends with my uni-boyfriend forever too when we broke up. Haven't spoken to him in a decade...

It's like blaming the other woman if your DH has an affair. Sure it's a bit shit of her but your DH is the one who owes you something. The ex-bf's friend is the one who still owes the ex-bf his loyalty.

That said I'm not sure why we're arguing about it. I've said I think it would be a shitty thing for the OP to do, so as far as I can see we're in agreement.

Original poster

youngergirl · 06/03/2019 11:23

Thanks everyone for your messages.

I absolutely agree with everyone who has said it's a shitty thing to do. I guess my question is whether it's TOO shitty or whether doing something that shitty can ever be worth it (i.e. if I really think this guy is the right person for me). I'm seeing that people think differently about that, of course.

Everyone saying that the responsibility lies with the friend, in this situation me and my ex are so close that I am kind of the friend AND the ex. He and the new guy haven't been that close in years but were historically when they were younger.

WhatWouldDavinaDo it's really good to hear success stories - did you do anything in particular to overcome the awkwardness?

(I know all of this is absolutely awful and I'm really cut about it, but it's done now so just trying to work out whether it's salvageable)

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 06/03/2019 12:33

It is a tough one, but if someone makes you happy and vice versa then you shouldn't just let it go.
It's hard to find.
But I think you need to speak with your Ex.
They aren't best friends or anything.
Your life - live it how you want.

MeAgainAgain · 06/03/2019 12:37

i'm married to a man who was in the same social group as an ex

they went out in a group and were chummy but not best mates

it's fine, was a bit weird to start with but we all got over it quickly

mind you where i live everyone was always pulling everyone when we were younger so maybe it was less weird

PCohle · 06/03/2019 13:13

Can you do something you know is morally wrong because you really really want to? Well yes of course, but it's still wrong.

Are you happy being the sort of person who will only do the right thing if it's convenient? Doing the right thing often requires some personal sacrifice.

Why are so convinced that you would have a happy life with a man who is willing to betray a friend to pursue a relationship that might "make him happy". What if he betrays you for a woman he thinks might make him happy?

MeAgainAgain · 06/03/2019 13:36

You are telling me that in your opinion I am "immoral"?

Crikey!

Me and the other women on the thread who are happily married to the mates of exes.

It's all a bit puritanical in feel... Pointing at women and accusing them of "immorality"!

Bluebell878275 · 06/03/2019 13:41

I'm married to my ex's friend! I dated my ex for about 3 years and got to know my husband through that time. I had no feelings other than friendship at the time, butwhat I did realise was that we got on very well and I was always happy to see him. We both broke up with our ex's and a few months later he told me he loved me! It took a year later to actually get together as I didn't want to ruin our friendship.

We have been married 10 years now, best thing we ever did. My ex is not friends with my husband, however, our relationship is so much deeper than that - it is worth the loss of that friendship. So glad I took the leap!

PCohle · 06/03/2019 13:54

I thought immoral sounded more polite than "shitty" which is what the OP said. I didn't mean to come over all Old Testament

hellsbellsmelons · 06/03/2019 14:05

Well yes of course, but it's still wrong
What exactly is wrong with it though?
Maybe I just more tolerant than others because I don't see them doing anything wrong here.

cstaff · 06/03/2019 14:08

I thought it was your friend's ex and not your ex's friend - maybe it is both.

PCohle · 06/03/2019 14:14

The OP herself has said "it's a shitty thing to do" and she is presumably in the best position to judge the personalities and "morality" involved.

Personally I think it's wrong to knowingly do something that you are aware will upset someone you profess to care deeply about. That applies both to OP and to the friend.

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