Is it always wrong to date your ex's friend?

[youngergirl]

I would love the advice of some users who have a bit more life experience than me.

I am in my mid-twenties, and have spent the last two years gradually splitting up with the boyfriend I've been with since I was 17. By this I mean that he broke up with me two years ago when he was having some mental health issues, but quickly regretted it and asked to reconcile, and we've been on and off ever since. In November we ended it for good, and it was an incredibly hard decision.

About a year ago I got a new job, close to the workplace of a friend of my ex's. We started having lunches and after work drinks together, and ended up falling for each other. I tried to resist the temptation to act on it but didn't stop seeing him, and eventually we told each other how we felt and slept together.

Do you think there are any circumstances in which it would be acceptable for me to pursue this relationship, or was it a mistake to ever tell him about my feelings.

My ex and I had a wonderful and special relationship, and I have always believed we would stay in each others' lives. He would be devastated and furious if he found out what I have done.

Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation??? I'm so confused

@Bluebell878275 this situation sounds essentially exactly the same as mine!!

Is it okay if I ask you to tell me a bit more about how you made the decision, like what made you think it was the right one to make?

And also, when you say your ex and your husband are no longer friends, is it just that they don't speak or was there a lot of hurt and upset?

Sorry to pry, but it's just so helpful to hear of someone who went through the same thing.

@cstaff - definitely NOT my friend's ex.

Just my ex's friend which is bad enough.

I've been together with my friends ex gf for 17 years and married 7 years. Was not great at the start of things as he wanted to get back together with her (there was never any chance of this happening but he didn't know) but I had a feeling that she was 'the one' so was happy to go along with how things were progressing.

Go for it. I got with my ex bfs mate. I was with the ex a couple of years. His mate, well we are celebrating 15 years together next month and we have a beautiful daughter.
But my ex was an abusive twat and he moved away. Life is too short ...go for it! You never know!

*@Bluebell878275 this situation sounds essentially exactly the same as mine!!

Is it okay if I ask you to tell me a bit more about how you made the decision, like what made you think it was the right one to make?

And also, when you say your ex and your husband are no longer friends, is it just that they don't speak or was there a lot of hurt and upset?

Sorry to pry, but it's just so helpful to hear of someone who went through the same thing*

Not at all! He told me how he felt and I responded with a definite "err, no way - we're mates!". I was actually tempted to give it a go but it was scary as his level of feelings for me were so ahead of mine. I almost felt like if I had said yes then I would be committing myself to something that I wasn't ready for. Anyway, a few months later it was just before December and I asked him to give me space and to not contact me as he wouldn't let it go. I just needed to get to a head-space where I was happy with being by myself, doing my own thing etc - I couldn't do that with him being around all the time.

A few weeks later I was feeling good and happy and, I remember this moment distinctly, it was the 4th January and he messaged me saying "Happy New Year". In that moment as I saw his name on my phone my heart leapt (in a good way lol) and I knew instantly that I needed to see him. I missed him, I wanted him by my side. We met up the next day and I said I wanted to give it a go and we've been together 11 years.

Yes, there was fallout with my ex and also his ex. My ex felt it broke the guy code etc but has actually since emailed me a few years later to say he was happy for us as it now seems 'meant-to-be'. My husband's ex took it to mean we must have been having an affair the whole time and has made our life quite difficult. They have a child together so she is very much a 'present-past'! I know friendships are important but when it came to this level of a relationship our commitment to each other was far more serious. I don't think it's nice for people to be thoughtless but at the same time, we are all individuals - we don't belong to anyone. If you want to pursue a relationship that feels 'right' - go for it!

Sorry bold fail!!

Wow Bluebell878275 your story is SO similar to mine, including the dates! How crazy.

How did you go about telling your ex? And when?

Being as you are still so close to your Ex, I wouldn't personally have gone there.

It's not a case of 'owning an Ex', but more of an unwritten rule for me. I say this as someone who did just this many years ago in my 20s, when I was not as wise as I am now.

Nothing wrong with it at all

You do not have a continuing life interest in your ex's private parts

Gavel

I'm married to my ex dhs good friend
Ex dh gave us his blessing, he actually liked that he knew the person well who would eventually be around his dc, he trusted him implicitly too.
Be prepared for others reactions though, initially everyone had an opinion on my new relationship

I got together with a mutual close friend a couple of months after splitting up with my ex. We were early 20s and split was amicable. Ex was upset about it and it was quite a difficult time (he was living in a different part of the country to us which possibly made it easier), but ultimately he was a big enough person to want to keep the friendships and that's what we did.

Two decades later, the new boyfriend and I are happily still together and the ex is one of our best friends, we go on holiday with our families and it's all water long under the bridge.

The question is - is the cost to both of you worth it?

If on the one hand, this new relationship leads to a 50 year marriage, 2.2 kids, grandchildren and a life of happiness with your ideal partner, then hell yes, it's worth you pissing off your ex and your new bf losing his buddy and the guilt that goes with that both ways.

On the other hand, if this is just a few intense shags and something that will fizzle out after a couple months, then it's not likely to be worth it.

What do you think the odds are in your situation.

youngergirl

It was a bit of a coincidence really. Within that week of getting together we went to the cinema in a town about 30 mins from ours at the time. It's a HUGE place - guess who was in the entrance with a mate... That's how he found out.