DH secretly messaging ex

[Defenestrator]

Name changed for this (hopefully, never done it before) and sorry it's so long.

A few years ago I went through hell at work with a hideous case of bullying. It affected my mental health so very badly it almost cost me my life. Thanks to support from DH, friends and my GP, and space and time to recover I got back in track but still have some residual PTSD. I have suffered from depression for 25 years.

My DH struggled with my being so bad and at the time I worried about him bottling it all up. He said he didn't need anyone to talk to and could deal with it on his own.

I've been back home now for a couple of months after working away as we decided we were better off living together than apart and we could afford for me not to work.

A month ago however when I was away from home for a week I received a message from my DH that was very clearly not meant for me and asked him about it. He said it was a friendly text to an ex wishing her well for an exam or something. I wasn't aware he was in contact with her although he had mentioned a while ago she'd looked him up on LinkedIn. She'd also looked at my profile a few times. He also blew a kiss in the message and just brushed me off when I asked about this.

We talked on the phone the following day and he did not want to explain why he was messaging someone late on a Sunday night when I wasn't there and blowing kisses. I had never been aware of any other messages when I was at home with him.

He was very defensive and said it was just the odd friendly message and we would talk about it when I got home. I insisted we chatted about it in the phone call as it was so out of character for him to hide anything from me and his behaviour was ringing alarm bells. We have always been very clear that we do not have any secrets and we can absolutely trust each other implicitly.

It turns out that he turned to her for support when I was ill years ago because he did after all need someone to talk to. It also turned out that it wasn't just messages and they had spoken at length on the phone. He didn't tell me because he thought it would upset me.

I realised that this could have been going on for six or so years and it has knocked me for six. He won't apologise because he doesn't think he's done anything wrong as he needed help to cope with me. I get that, but it's 3 years since I got away from the situation yet he was still
In touch behind my back. I don't know if they have met. He says not, but he also says it was no more than occasional friendly messages which is demonstrably not true.

Trust has been damaged and I look at him with fresh eyes. He lied to me by omission repeatedly for years and I can't get away from that.

He will not discuss this at all. I don't know how long it's been going on for. I did sneak a look at his phone once as he has started keeping it with him at all times. There were gaps in the message thread but one of the messages said he thinks about her a lot.

I feel betrayed and hate the way he closes me down whenever I ask for reassurance. I think he should be bending over backwards to show he can be trusted but he won't talk at all.

I don't know what to do. please help!

Ime gaps in the message thread are where the sexting or declarations of love were made. They leave the innocent lines on to prove they are just friends.
I may be wrong in your case but that's what someone I know is an OW does deliberately. (No she's not a friend)

Oh hell

It could be all phone silliness. Where does she live? Hopefully too far away for anything to happen...

She does live a long way away but he travels for work all around the country and is often out 'with clients' for dinner in the evenings.

But phone silliness for six years? He won't tell me exactly when it started or how often they exchange messages. He won't tell me anything

I think at the very least he turned to her for emotional support. Possibly more as he has the opportunity.

What do you want to do, are you willing to accept an emotional affair and work on things. If so, you need to find out how he honestly feels about what happened and about you. I’m not making excuses but a relationship with someone who has depression is soul destroying. It would be impossible to bottle up but there are better ways of dealing with it than this.

What happens if you have a relapse

I think if I were in the same circumstances again the chances of a relapse is high. But I swear I will never ever go through that again, so a relapse along the same lines is unlikely. However, I do indeed suffer from an illness which is classed as a disability so I may well struggle in future.

The problem is not that he needed support through a very difficult time, it's that he concealed the ongoing relationship for years - I don't know how long because he won't discuss it and I don't know if he is still in touch with her because he won't discuss it.

I don't know if I can forgive an emotional affair because I don't know if it has ended if it was an affair in the first place. I will not stay married to someone who is having an ongoing emotional affair though. But I can't find out where I stand because he won't talk about it.

Hate to say this but in my experience gaps in messages were an emotional affair. They were enough to make my already suspicious mind even more suspicious.....I then looked at his photo albums on his phone and found all I needed to know ☹️

Could the gaps in the messages, mean they had switched to a phone call conversion instead of a text one?

*Broke vow to keep no secrets
*Secretly messaging Ex for possibly 6 years
*Sending Ex a message late at night, with a kiss, while you were away
*Telling Ex that he frequently thinks of her
*Gaps in messages=deletions
*Has started keeping his phone with him at all times
*Controlling and Manipulative behavior—lying, denial, minimizing, defensiveness, deflecting blame, blocking discussion

Def, all of the above indicates that your DH is having, at the least, an emotional affair.

It is entirely inappropriate for a married man to secretly message his Ex late at night, especially with kisses. It is wrong to have a secret, years-long relationship, where he says he frequently thinks of her and deletes messages. He would likely go ballistic if you did this.

He felt entitled to lie and abuse your trust all this time. Saying, “I didn’t tell you because it would upset you” is manipulating and deflecting blame back to you. Don’t fall for it.

He is betraying you, and his defensiveness, denial, minimization, deflecting, blocking, and lack of remorse speak volumes. He doesn’t care about your feelings or about restoring trust. He is protecting and prioritizing OW, while treating you with contempt. She has been his secret, and would still be if he had not accidentally sent you the message meant for her.

He actually crossed-the-line if indeed he did turn to his Ex of all people for emotional support all those years ago. It was wrong to go there. I am skeptical that support was his initial motivation. His boundary for her was weak, and I think he was after an ego-boost. Do not believe that he tripped into this because of your illness. This is down to his character flaws and sense of entitlement.

I would tell him to leave, at least for a while, to give you space to make decisions. You need to impose consequences for his despicable behavior. He is not your ally or your friend.

MsDogLady your post pretty much sums up my feelings about this. Today he came home and apologised for last night's outburst (I asked him again for reassurance and he threw a strop) and then told me he had to go on a business trip to her city. Apparently he can't see why I'm aghast

OP - where and how do you draw a line between a friendship and an emotional affair?
And - do you think people can have some privacy even when in a relationship?

It’s clear that you and your H went through a lot. And stayed together.
He had plenty of reasons and times where it’d be understandable if he left, right?
He didn’t.

You can, if course push and demand reassurances. But him being around despite all you described - is one huge reassurance. And you need to see it as that.

He can talk to an ex, and use her as a friend and a support. Not all conversations must be reported. People should be able to have privacy.
Leave if you feel you need to. It’s your life. But I think you are being a bit unreasonable here.

I’m on the fence. I had a severely depressed dp. Ptsd. Away from work. Suicidal.
I had someone close to me that supported me. And I needed them. The person who is ill has zero concept of how hard it is, how lonely. How suffocating. How you can’t even really be open about it, because it’s not your illness.

So I lent on someone else, a man friend. He was my best friend in that time. I would always put an X on a message. But I would do that for all of my friends.

This is just another perspective, I might be totally wrong.

I don’t know if that’s the case here Josuk. I don’t think there is an over reaction on here to any opposite sex friendship by a married person. But the thing is the OPs husband will have been very vulnerable during her illness. It wasn’t the OPs fault but her depression is likely to have created an emotional void. I just don’t see how he would have not been impacted by that. That could be why he sought emotional support elsewhere. Which could be ok if that was given as a friend. Except the love emojis and secrecy contradict this.

I don’t doubt his feelings for the OP, he has shown that. But he has some tie to this relationship that goes beyond friends. Maybe he is defensive because he relied on her for support and is scared to lose that. But it doesn’t make it right or tenable for the OP

His reaction is defensive and indicative of more going on. From what you've said, I'd be thinking it's turned into a PA.

Deleted messages.
Compliments...not looking good.

You do need to stop asking for reassurance. You can ask about the messages...but he should be assuring you nothing fishy is going on.

I don't think he can do that...because there is something going on. Turning to an Ex for support was not wise of him...that's assuming that isn't a cover story.

Blowing kisses isn't appropriate in this situation.

Is his ex married?

IMO, if he's refusing to talk about it, he's hiding something

Trust your gut

Lemon

If the emojis and the fact that he didn’t disclose it that he was in touch is all there is - than I do think it’s insecurity and overreaction.

He started talking to her 6 years ago. Surely - if it was some sort of fatal attraction - they’d have consummated by now, or left their partners and got together.

More likely than not - they started talking when he was down and in need of a friendly person to talk to. Ex was a familiar person, so that must have provided support.
He didn’t say at the time to not make his W worry, she already was in a bad place. And as time went on - it stayed that way. Out of habit.
But they got used to talking - as we all do with friends. We keep in touch....
Emojis mean nothin. Like Xxxx ok the end of messages. It’s a little playful, but no one writes love poems in emojis.

I think people in relationships need to have a little freedom and privacy. It’s Ok to not share all - and have a little of your own life and personal connections to other people. It’s unhealthy to expect your partner to be the only person who provides all support to you - from friendly, intellectual, to emotional, etc. And vice versa. It’s too much pressure and expectations for one person.

OP is being very b/w and denying her H a right to know right from wrong on his own. He judges that connection as friendly and not a threat to the relationship. She disagrees.
She can of course do that and leave. But - after what he went through to keep the relationship going - I think she needs to think hard before she throws a good relationship away over emojis.

Get a hold of his phone bills and you will be able to see the frequency of the messages and calls.

Sounds bad. 😳

Josuk I am totally with you on the privacy and freedom issues. I don’t think you can or should get all your support from a partner or spouse. I don’t and I don’t expect my DP to be any different. I encourage him to reach out to people I know would be helpful, without clutching my pearls that these are women, men or ex’s.

I get and have empathy with Meandwine. Nobody could go through depression with a partner and not feel trapped and rejected all at once. He will not have been able to do that without some support. Some of the support he needed may well be to do with negative feelings about the OP.

I agree this is a very complex situation and that the OP may need to consider things very carefully. I don’t think his defensiveness and secrecy are as easy to attribute in the way PPs on here will. I think he is protective of his wife and he loves her.

But he is protecting her from the fact he got support from this ex and why he got that support. That might be because he knows the OP will not accept it. He owes her honesty and perhaps they both need to look at how this period of their lives affected their marriage and feelings.

So his ex girlfriend knows all about you, your struggles, your depression, the effect on your marriage etc

The fucking disloyalty. Who is she to be privy to your private medical and relationship business?

Men like that can always find a woman to talk to, can't they? Normally someone they've slept with before...strangely enough.

He doesn't know the meaning of for better for worse, and you deserve better OP.

He just sent her the affectionate late-night message and is now traveling to her city? He is planning to see her.

Def, he is not behaving as a loving, committed husband. He continues to evade and block to make you shut up and back off. His defensiveness bears out his sense of entitlement to have a secret double life with this Ex and to not have to answer to you.

There is an imbalance of power in your relationship.

He has broken his promise to never keep secrets from you. Breaching his loyalty like this indicates that he possesses intimacy with his Ex. He betrayed you when he initially contacted her, whether during your illness or after. He has been making a fool of you.

I agree that this is a Physical Affair. They have resumed their previous relationship.

I wouldn’t cling to your DH. He is telling you how it is. You are excluded, and have been for years.

I absolutely would not stay with my husband under these circumstances. I would tell him to not bother coming home and I would mean it.

Thanks for all your responses. It really helps to have outside perspectives.

I agree totally about privacy within a marriage and it will have been hell for him when I went through what I went through. He has said he doesn't think he could go through it again, and I agree. However we have had so many conversations over the years about how he manages without other people - I really need my friends and spending time with them but he only has a handful of friends and never makes any arrangements to see them, ever. So I am glad that he had someone to turn to when he needed it, but why then keep it a secret for so long? That's the bit I find so hard.

I do think it's better not to be completely codependent. It's much healthier in my opinion not to be totally reliant on one other person. I can understand that he would have kept it from me when I was in my black hole as I was literally hanging on to life by my fingertips and it was a really shit time for him too, but to continue to conceal it makes me extremely insecure. I am so grateful he didn't leave me then as I would not have survived.

His ex was married but has recently divorced. I think he went through a stage of 'mention-itis' about her to me as I seem to know quite a bit about her, I just didn't know the extent of their communication. I still don't.

I hope we can repair the damage because we have a nice life and are hoping to retire in a year or two. The future we planned together is probably worth fighting for. We agreed when we met that infidelity is a deal-breaker for both of us and I would leave with half the house and half his pension pot if he were unfaithful.

I must insist he treats me with respect and come clean about the extent of the 'relationship' with the ex so I can make informed decisions about my future.

This is exhausting! I'm also struggling to find a job so I'm at home all day in my own with far too much time to stew

Could you 'create' yourself a job?
Dog walking.
Cleaning.
Pet sitting.
Child minder.
Personal trainer.
A home carer for elderly or disabled.

I don't think I'd could get over what he's done.
And the fact he won't talk about it is awful for you.

Get him to read :- Not Just Friends - by Shirley Glass HERE
Read it together if you can.
He needs to understand how you feel and the fact you need answers.

I think I would ask if I could meet her? Maybe all get together for a drink - presumably you've met dh's other friends over the years so why should this be any different just because the friend is female. Something unknown is often more scary than the reality - if you see them together you will perhaps see a genuine brother / sister type relationship.
Men often find it difficult to ask for help from other men, their relationships are often based on banter interspaced with the occasional genuine worry or question, I don't think it's beyond the realms of reason that he's turned to an ex for some support.
He perhaps does feel guilty, hence the behaviour, but perhaps for simpler reasons like keeping it from you for years rather than full on hiding anything more sinister.
Just a thought, I wouldn't make any hasty or rash decisions.

Somehow you need to find a way to get through to him that he has to tell you everything if you two have any way of repairing this situation.

Doing what he has done in the first place was bad enough but now refusing to talk to you about it makes him sound extremely low on emotional intelligence!

I wish you well in getting through to him .