DH secretly messaging ex

[Defenestrator]

Name changed for this (hopefully, never done it before) and sorry it's so long.

A few years ago I went through hell at work with a hideous case of bullying. It affected my mental health so very badly it almost cost me my life. Thanks to support from DH, friends and my GP, and space and time to recover I got back in track but still have some residual PTSD. I have suffered from depression for 25 years.

My DH struggled with my being so bad and at the time I worried about him bottling it all up. He said he didn't need anyone to talk to and could deal with it on his own.

I've been back home now for a couple of months after working away as we decided we were better off living together than apart and we could afford for me not to work.

A month ago however when I was away from home for a week I received a message from my DH that was very clearly not meant for me and asked him about it. He said it was a friendly text to an ex wishing her well for an exam or something. I wasn't aware he was in contact with her although he had mentioned a while ago she'd looked him up on LinkedIn. She'd also looked at my profile a few times. He also blew a kiss in the message and just brushed me off when I asked about this.

We talked on the phone the following day and he did not want to explain why he was messaging someone late on a Sunday night when I wasn't there and blowing kisses. I had never been aware of any other messages when I was at home with him.

He was very defensive and said it was just the odd friendly message and we would talk about it when I got home. I insisted we chatted about it in the phone call as it was so out of character for him to hide anything from me and his behaviour was ringing alarm bells. We have always been very clear that we do not have any secrets and we can absolutely trust each other implicitly.

It turns out that he turned to her for support when I was ill years ago because he did after all need someone to talk to. It also turned out that it wasn't just messages and they had spoken at length on the phone. He didn't tell me because he thought it would upset me.

I realised that this could have been going on for six or so years and it has knocked me for six. He won't apologise because he doesn't think he's done anything wrong as he needed help to cope with me. I get that, but it's 3 years since I got away from the situation yet he was still
In touch behind my back. I don't know if they have met. He says not, but he also says it was no more than occasional friendly messages which is demonstrably not true.

Trust has been damaged and I look at him with fresh eyes. He lied to me by omission repeatedly for years and I can't get away from that.

He will not discuss this at all. I don't know how long it's been going on for. I did sneak a look at his phone once as he has started keeping it with him at all times. There were gaps in the message thread but one of the messages said he thinks about her a lot.

I feel betrayed and hate the way he closes me down whenever I ask for reassurance. I think he should be bending over backwards to show he can be trusted but he won't talk at all.

I don't know what to do. please help!

I've just bought that book, thanks hellsbells.

Unable to meet her as she lives so far away and I'm unable to go with him when he next travels to her city.

I'm going to go away for a few days tomorrow to see a friend and spend some time thinking about what I would really like to happen. I can't raise it with him as he just shuts me down and storms off. The idiot doesn't seem to realise that this confirms that I do indeed have something to worry about. I think sometimes he doesn't want to discuss it because he's embarrassed to have been caught being less than honest when his USP has always been his integrity.

His lack of transparency regarding the messages =guilt imo.
Good luck op.

He's going to her city!

Oh dear op.

Some head space for you is perfect.
Your instincts are telling you something is very wrong here.
Have some space away.
Get some RL perspective on it and take it from there.

OP - too much time to stew at home might be the issue here.

You contradict yourself here. On one hand you say you believe partners can have privacy and can have other friendly connection.
On another - you claim your insecurity trumps his right to it.

You have gone through a lot together. He has been by your side. He has earned your trust and doesn’t need to be judged and have to prove himself.

It seems that you have created that issue out of nothing and and because you aren’t otherwise occupied - you have fixated on this.
With a few years till retirement and a long history of your H proving yourself to you as a loyal partner - just think hard about what you want.

He had plenty of reasons to leave. He didn’t. What else does he need to prove? And why you feel so insecure now? Can you discuss that in coucelling - you probably have access to resources that can help.

OP - too much time to stew at home might be the issue here.

You contradict yourself here. On one hand you say you believe partners can have privacy and can have other friendly connection.
On another - you claim your insecurity trumps his right to it.

You have gone through a lot together. He has been by your side. He has earned your trust and doesn’t need to be judged and have to prove himself.

It seems that you have created that issue out of nothing and and because you aren’t otherwise occupied - you have fixated on this.
With a few years till retirement and a long history of your H proving yourself to you as a loyal partner - just think hard about what you want.

He had plenty of reasons to leave. He didn’t. What else does he need to prove? And why you feel so insecure now? Can you discuss that in coucelling - you probably have access to resources that can help.

I'm happy for him to have friends. I'm not happy for him to have secret friends. He knows he's in the wrong for concealing a secret friendship and his doing it has breached my trust. But he won't talk about it so it becomes an elephant in the room. I have no idea how many times a week he messages her or she messages him because he conceals it. If it were out in the open I'd be much happier.

I don't really understand what his plenty of reasons to leave me are. Because I was ill? That would be a pretty shitty thing to do

I think if my dh text a woman that he thinks about her a lot, I would insist he pack his bags and go think about her in her own house. You are absolutely not over-reacting here and the fact he stuck around while you were ill/bullied is nothing less than the expected by a spouse. It sounds like he may have truthfully turned to her for support but it's grown into at the very least an emotional affair. Heading to her home city would be the absolute last straw. You must act op. But if you threaten him with divorce if he doesn't divulge the full truth/access to emails/chats, you have to follow through.

Massive over-reaction to him heading to her city especially if it’s a major city for where work related stuff would be the norm (you said he travels a lot for work). There’s nothing to say they’d meet.
Does he have a history of being untrustworthy? Perhaps you both need a talk about where you both are? Is he lonely in his marriage? Not excusing his behaviour at all but I think there needs to be some unpicking of this.

He doesn't normally travel to this city, it's an unusual trip.

He prides himself on his trustworthiness and integrity and feels he's let himself and me down by not coming clean about this. I first became aware of it at the end of January and we did have conversation about it. But he never apologises for anything - we've had various conversations about that too and I think he thinks it's a weakness to apologise or something. Me, I apologise all the time if I get something wrong. I too hate getting things wrong but when I do I apologise.

So there are gaps in the story. I know he sought support from her when I was ill and that's one thing, but that was nearly 3 years ago now. I have no idea how often they message and I only found out they were in touch by accident. He won't answer me when I ask him. He just says "oh not this again" and walks away.

This week we were having a general chat about behaviour and integrity and I was saying it's one of the best things about him, his integrity - and then I remembered that he hadn't been totally straight with me and I got a bit tongue tied and tailed off. He hit the roof and stormed off to bed.

The following day he came home from work and said sorry for last night and that he's extraordinarily stressed at the moment (which I know - we're trying to work out how to retire right now as his work is shit) so that was a positive.

He has told me he loves me but isn't in love with me any more and I don't know if that's enough.

I can't believe how some posters view this as no big deal. Yes maybe some things need unpicking but essentially I fear your illness is somehow being blamed on you op and detect a general sense of 'be grateful he stood by you'. Your DH told you he could deal with your illness without support then sought support from an ex who is now divorced. He messages her late at night with kisses and tells you he is no longer in love. What does it take for some folk to see a marriage is in deep trouble? Marriage is not friendship, it includes it of course but it's more than that. Your dh betrayed you by confiding in an ex because he knew, rightly, it was disloyal. And he is shutting you down when you, again rightly, raise objections to having found out about this ex and confidente of his.

Have you been depressed for most of your marriage op? I'm beginning to wonder if there is a link to your mental health and your dh's approach to his integrity being questioned!

My first bout of depression was 35 years ago so it's a long term condition. It's normally controlled by lifestyle with occasional recourse to medication and/or talking therapy. It's a thing I have to live with but if you met me it's not something you'd notice.

The treatment I suffered at the hands of a bully and a bullying manager caused me massive distress and led to PTSD but, again, I manage it well. But it is why I need reassurance because my self confidence is poor and I am a bit fragile at times. This is one of those times.

I've been married ten years so yes, I've had depression throughout but for all but two years it's been a background thing that is managed.

Thanks again for your responses everyone. Sometimes just the very exercise of putting something into words to explain a situation helps with sorting things in one's own head

Why cant you travel with him on this trip to her city and you can all meet up? Surely he will be happy to do this and allay your suspicions .

I can't travel to the city because he is driving himself and three colleagues to the same meeting. He isn't travelling there alone though so that's a small comfort. He will probably be expected to have dinner in the evening with the colleagues and stay in the same hotel.

He has told me he loves me but isn't in love with me any more and I don't know if that's enough.

That's pre-split talk. He's hoping you'll instigate divorce but if you don't, he probably will.

So sorry OP.

A husband with integrity would not have an ongoing secret relationship with his Ex where he tells her he is thinking of her often, and sends her kisses in a text late at night.

He has told you that he loves you but is not in love with you. This line is frequently used when a partner is creating emotional distance to justify cheating.

It is likely that he has compartmentalized the two of you. You are in the Love box, and she is in the In Love box, hence his desire to keep her as his secret all these years. You found him out, so he may feel some embarrassment that his image has been tarnished, but he absolutely is not going to share information about her or stop his affair with her.

How long ago did he tell you that he is not in love with you? Why in the world would you stay with a man under those circumstances? Your self-esteem must be eroding. Find your self-respect and walk away, Def.

Just saw your update. Your depression has zero to do with his infidelity.

At some point during your marriage, your H started an affair with his Ex. How, when or why he reconnected with her, it was wrong of him to do so. He has a rigid self-image, so has rationalized and justified his cheating to himself, and has kept a tight lid on the In Love box.

He really messed up by sending you the kissy text meant for OW. He must have kicked himself 1000 times. He immediately started damage control by using anger and defensiveness to make you back off while he put the lid back on OW’s box.

I hope you can find the strength to move forward in your life without this man who is happy to treat you with utter disrespect and disregard. He certainly has defiled his integrity.

Unfortunately his loyalty has shifted to his ex op.

What evidence of infidelity are people talking about?

OP - i have had depression on and off. And living with a partner with (even managed) depression isn’t a walk in the park. I know that about myself.
I am surprised that you seem to not realise that.
And yes - H staying and making it work through the years of depression is an achievement you need to recognise.

There is a limit to how much you can push and push for external sources of validation as a management of your fragility and insecurity.
You need to also look at yourself and question your own reactions. You know that, but it doesn’t come in at all in your posts and I wonder why.

You do not need or have a right to ask for control of his communications with a friend.
Leave if you can’t trust him. Or trust him.
He never gave you a reason to doubt him. Why are you so bent on making one up now.
Everybody had a limit. You seem to be pushing him to his.

Op I'm sorry you are going through this but this is an emotional affair and you need to ltb.

If he was innocent he would prove it by calling her in front of you to confirm nothing is going on between them. The angry strops (my ex did this) is a way of turning your attention away from the affair to you being crazy.

Please get financial advice and get this divorce on its way. How can you still stay after him saying he isn't in love with you anymore??

Go see a solicitor!

You are a sitting duck. He's told you he isn't in love with you and you know he's feeling something with the ex. He is going to see her and you know it.

Get legal advice now before he dumps you and you are left struggling while he swans off to be with his mistress.

What's all this in love nonsense. Is he a teenager? Does he see his future with you, will he go to relate.
I would either get on a train to join his work trip, (meeting with her and him is a good idea, or speak to her)or give him an ultimatum. Idiot

*He betrayed your trust massively by probably confiding intimate details of your relationship to an ex girlfriend. It is entirely possible to be friends with an ex, but a great disrespect to be leaning on one emotionally when struggling with you for between 2-6 YEARS.That alone would be unforgivable to many.

*he did this for six years. Six years and you only found out by a mistake. If something is innocent there is never any cause to hide anything. He can't blame not wanting to upset you - its been six years.

*He wont apologise or admit he was wrong, in this or anything, you say? How do you live with someone like that?!

*He's not in love with you, has told you, and is purposefully distancing himself further, emotionally, by doing this. You can guarantee he has a bigger emotional tie to the other woman right now, from his words, actions and everything he hasn't said.

*he wont discuss anything with you. He doesn't care enough to. You can see it as being embarrassed but it is also likely to be, he is emotionally checked out. He also sounds stubborn to the core. Its a resonse you would expect ofa teenager, caught in a lie. Deny deny deny!

*your illness and the deep dark times you both undoubtedly experienced does not excuse his behaviour. Not one of those choices he made. There were better choices for him to make for him and you. Nobody is perfect of course, but its not juts one thing is it. In sickness and in health!
he has stayed with you, but when was the last time you felt truly connected?

And now he wont even admit it or have the decency to discuss. He simply doesnt care enough and it does sound like he wants to leave you. I know he has 'stood by you' as such, but has he, really? Those minimising this are asking someone to plod on in a dead marriage, for what? Someone who didn't quite have the backbone to just leave you. You do deserve more respect than this.