What on earth happened?

[Amillionquestions8987]

I'm very confused right now. Partner and I have been having a lot of problems lately. He has been quite emotionally abusive.

I have been avoiding him as much as possible yet still crave being near him and him being kind to me or showing affection.

Other night I got quite drunk, but sober enough to know what was going on. We started cuddling and then he got quite not forceful, but not sweet either. He did ask if I wanted him to stop as I was just staring through him and not moving. I said to just get it over with, which he did.

We then both moved to opposite ends of our big sofa. I felt a bit, uncomfortable. But then I went and craved loved an affection from him that I ended up sleeping with him again and this time it got quite rough, I knew he liked it like that and wanted him to enjoy it.

I'm really confused how I feel. He has been terrible to me by his own admission with how he acts around me. Yet now he is acting like the best partner in the world. Yet the other day ignored ambulance people coming to me for a mental break down. Despite knowing he is the main cause.

We have a young baby and are due to get married this year.

Am I in an abusive relationship? Sometimes i wonder. Then he is amazing and i just melt. And when i am with him even when it is bad i crave him to be nice to me again.

Yes you're in an abusive relationship. Your partner hates women.

He turns on the charm to make you putty in his hands so he can do what he likes to you. You are addicted to him and his charm and you crave it. This is the basis of most abusive relationships and why it is hard to leave

But leave you must. Contact your local Women's Aid and do the Freedom Programme as soon as you can. You really need support for this.

If you can't do this for you then please do it for your child - this is a terrible life for them. The abuse will get worse, as hard as that is to imagine a it's so bad already xx

Don't marry him ffs! He will really feel he's got total control and can do anything with you that he wants!

I do wonder if he does genuinely hate women. He had a bad childhood due to his mum leaving and seems to harbour a lot of hate in that respect. Despite now being close to her.

I have said a million times over this isn't how I want my daughter to grow up. There are times he will literally walk away from me if I'm crying my eyes out. Or stare right though me. Or threaten suicide. Or hit things (his head mainly) .

I have mental health issues as it is. He knows this. Which I'm sure can make me quite difficult to handle at times.

He can be very kind. He has gotten himself into a lot of debt to extend our home to have more children.

He has two from a previous marriage that I love very much. The thing is unless I push him he will happily watch me working myself into the ground while they all sit there doing nothing. Even when I was heavily pregnant/ill.

I know he is only being kind to hold onto me. I've said as much to him myself. It is like I'm addicted to him. I crave his love because when it is there, I am so happy.

Other times I feel like I am nothing but q cleaner, nanny and personal pa for him.

I don't think he is a bad bloke. He is still good friends with his ex father in law. Which to me speaks volumes. He does have his own issues. Qnd is under an awful lot of stress atm due to exwife.

Am I just finding excuses doe him? He was never like this until all the stress started

So you know all this, but you're staying anyway. You owe it to your children to stop this cycle and leave, otherwise, he's not the only abusive one, unwittingly as maybe. You know this don't you?

Please stop wondering about why he is the way he is. If you come across a man-eating tiger you don't stand there wondering why it wants to eat you, or trying to persuade it to change its behaviour, you just run like fuck. Same with this man. He is hugely abusive. He is destroying you. He pretty much raped you. Don't waste energy trying to figure out why or if you can fix him. Focus all your energy on getting him out of your life.

Thing is I flutter between the two. One minute I truly believe he is a shit and I would be better without him. As would my daughter. The next he is so amazing. And he is always brilliant and loving with my little girl.

When I see them together I wonder if I should just learn to cope so she has her dad around all the time. As he is brilliant in that respect. I've never been able to fault him in that area

Forgive me for questioning- I'm purely trying to get my head to see sense.

Was it rape? I didnt say no. Just told him to get it over with. And then I did jump.on him not long after

And I can't help but wonder if my own mental health issues cloud my judgment on him. He always tells me I am making an issue out of nothing. I get that could be control but it does leave you doubting yourself

You are fooling yourself. You write that he's a brilliant dad but also write that he'll happily sit on his arse while you work yourself into the ground.

Oh in that respect he is awful. The "grunt" work falls to me and I hate it. But he loves all his children dearly, dotes on them all. He will do nappy changes/night feeds on the rare time she wakes/happily sit and fuss my little one constantly he is truly besotted.

When it comes to cleaning up after them all and doing the day to day stuff that is all part of parenting, yes it falls to me and we have had many an argument over it. As I do feel I deserve a break now and then (he works long hours and eow. Then the other weekends we have the kids). Eo it seems instead of getting a break when he is home for the day I am forced into more of the work side. And honestly it has burnt me out. Especially as there are so many issues elsewhere in his life and our relationship

Your description of him is not a description of a good dad. It is a description of a barely adequate dad.

If you split up would you stop him seeing the children? Would he disappear from their lives?

Never. Maybe the best description of him would be he is a "fun" dad. Disney by this sites examples I guess. He would struggle with them alone. But he would cope. Saturday I left him to deal with them all and could hear him flapping. He tried to get me to help until I reminded him thay was what EOW was like for me. Plus housework.

But he survived, the kids had q good day and were looked after. He would manage

If I'm honest I think the thing that keeps me around is I truly can't always trust my own version of events. I know that can be a form of control but one minute he will say something in a really nasty tone, and when I point it out he was say it in a different tone so then it sounds reasonable and swear blind he never said it the other way.

It makes me question myself. I want the best life for my daughter and I don't want my depression and issues sabotaging that when really ge is a good partner. I'm just broken. I really don't know what is what anymore.

I am in counselling but recently lost a long standing care worker. Now I have a new one that doesn't know me and despite being lovely I just don't trust. When I have mentioned these things to her she has said he is being a shit essentially but itll work out kind of thing

I said to just get it over with, which he did
I wouldn't imagine this was rape but I may be wrong.
Whatever it is it's vile

No it wasn’t rape. He actively asked if you wanted to stop and you told him to carry on. Whether you initiated sex the second time or not doesn’t change whether the first time was rape though, but either way it wasn’t.

Sounds like a toxic relationship you need to end overall though. But please don’t retrospectively start calling it rape (I appreciate you’re not. You’re just asking if it was).

I feel sorry for the child stuck in this bad situation. You know he is abusive but yet you stay. It doesnt matter that he is 'amazing' at some times, he is still abusive. What are you indecisive about.
you are modeling to your daughter how a woman should be treated. Think about that?

Oh I know. But I worry how I would cope without him. I have severe anxiety and rarely leave the house. I get suicidal and self harm (never acted on it since my daughter but I still get thay urge)

I worry that if I leave and then have to start sharing my daughter I will end up in a worse place and social services could end up taking her from me

I've asked him himself if this is how he would want his daughters treated and he said no. Yet still claims he does nothing wrong.

I agree it wasnt rape. I have been so before and it wasnt the same. I just can't believe he could finish knowing I was doing all I could to pretend it wasnt happening (shutting down and freezing) .

I know that alone should tell me he only cares about what i do for him and that he doesn't love me. Without the million other things that scream warning signs.

I try to leave sometimes. He refuses to leave the house/says he won't go anywhere. Then we argue. Then it escalates. Thankfully daughter is never there for that as we live near my parents.

I know if this was someone else speaking to me I would be telling them to get out. I can't believe how weak and pathetic I have become. Nor the risk I put my daughter in. I don't want her thinking this is how relationships should be.

He will guilt me into how shit her life would be if he left and how cruel it would be. Then he claims to see he was wrong. Then he promises to change. And becomes the model partner.

And then all the walls I built up in that period of time just collapse.

You will just go round and round in circles on here as you have been doing in your head for years.

Do the research I suggested above

Freedom Programme

local Women's Aid

Lundy Bancrofts book Why Does He Do That?

This is the way out of your paralysis and doubt about this. Talking endlessly about it won't cut it xx

It wasn’t rape. You say he knew you were pretending it wasn’t happening- but how could he? He’s not a mind reader. Can you give any examples of how he’s abusive? Bar the threatening suicide when you’re crying (which sounds odd) I can’t see any. I’m not saying he’s not abusive, but your question is is this an abusive relationship & I can’t really answer without knowing more.

He asked if I was into it. I said no, just get it over with.

Abusive emotionally, not physically. He will stare through me if I'm upset or trying to talk calmly to him and it dowsnt suit him (isn't just me that has noticed this) .

He in the past has been caught messaging women and then claimed being "hacked" (obvious crap) . Then turned it on me and went mental at me/refused to see why I was upset.

A lot of it is very hard to put into words. On writing it seems like no big deal. But the way he can make you feel when you're at your lowest hurts. And any time he has done something wrong he will happily turn the tables. It takes a lot to get him to apologise. And usually in that time frame he has called me a lot of abusive things, or has flat out stared through me. He hits things. Treats me like I'm nothing. Threatens to walk out. Will go down the road and then come back. Its fear. Constant fear. Not of him physically. But of how he will react to anything. One thing can set him off and then suddenly it is me that is getting it in the neck. Even if it is nothing to do with me.

One example was his friend screwing him over big time. I supported him. Comforted him. Had a calm and friendly conversation with his friend on his behalf to help smooth things over (he knew I was as I asked if that would help before I done it) . Then suddenly he turned on me. Said some very hurtful things about me.

He doesn't know how or where to channel his anger. And it seems I'm an easy target. Then once he sees he has hurt me he shuts down and is so heartless with me. Then itll escalate to the point he will flat out give me the silent treatment even if I am just crying and asking why essentially. Then it will end a day or two later with him apologising and "realising he was wrong" . We will agree on how things should be handled in future. Then so much as the same day something similar will happen again.

I have looked at the freedom program and sent an email to them. I currently have no funds of my own so I will have to wait a week or two before I can do the online course as I would rather not explain why I want the money.

I have discussed some of what has been said here to him today. He agrees he can see why people would tell me to leave him. Apparently this is a whole new him and he will prove my dad wrong before we marry.

J am sceptical and will be doing that course before I sign away anything else of me.

I want the best for my little girl. She is brilliant. If he genuinely can work through his health issues and his stress issues, and be the person I thought he was. That is what is best for her.

But I am well aware the chances of that are slim in which case what is best for her is me moving on.

It is a scary prospect. I wonder who would want someone with a baby and mental health issues in the future. And if I'm honest I wonder if I would even want to be around a man again. Yet I crave a family. Family is so important to me

I thought he asked if you wanted to stop & you said no, just get on with it?
Regardless of that particular incident, it does sound abusive in ways & he sounds awful. (However, he is allowed to walk away if he needs space- even if you are crying your eyes out)
Neither of you sound like you have very good boundaries. You should leave him as it won’t get any better. Are you having psychotherapy/counselling? I think unless you resolve your need for approval and other dependency issues you will only seek out someone who treats you like he does next time. (As is natural when you have unresolved issues)

Isn't the lack of allowing space. I will offer him space but he will flat out silent treat me. If I ask if he needs space he won't say yes, he will just stand there and stare at me. It's hard to explain it. Others who have seen it in person agree it is very cold.

I am seeking therapy. I've been under the mental health team for nearly two decades now. And I've been seeing a pnd woman since having my daughter.

An example I can think of is when I was breaking down over having a bad birth/not remembering it. I broke down terribly. He walked away.

Another when due to the coldness I ended up losing my mind a bit and started "running away" (baby was safe with my parents) . When I say run away, I just needed space to walk off for a bit and get my head straight. He then accused me of being a terrible mother for that bla bla. Despite knowing and being spoken to from pnd woman about my fears I was and that was part of my depression and how I needed reassurance.

I do think i am part of the problem. I do think if i was able to manage his moods better without them directly affecting me as much then things would be better.

I do believe I can be difficult to live with at times and quite a frustrating negative person. That is something I'm working on. But for what it is worth I am never that person around my daughter or his children.

I am looking at changing my care worker. I miss my old one terribly and still see her as a friend just for obvious reasons don't feel right talking to her anymore. But despite how nice this one is, she doesn't really offer much beyond agreeing with me and I know that isn't what I need.

I do know that he plays me. He knows how to work me and he knows how to wiggle his way back in. I need to grow stronger before I can work out a) if he would still want to be with me once I stop taking the shit (which I doubt) and b) become stronger for my daughter.

For all both our faults I truly believe we are good parents. Our little girl is growing up so happy, healthy and loving. I want her to continue to have that outlook on life. And she won't if we destroy her view on family. This isn't how I was raised and it isn't how I want her to be raised.

That must have felt awful for you OP. He has no regard for your feelings does he?
I am glad to hear you’re seeking therapy. I think it will be so valuable to you, and especially help you establish boundaries & learn what causes the cycle of you needing his approval. I don’t think you should stay with him. He won’t change OP & it’s no good for you.

What's worse is I know this partner. I've had them most of my life. I should know better but I always assumed things could change. Especially seeing him with our little one. He is lovely. Tonight he dotted on her complete and it melted my heart.

OP it does sound like a toxic , possibly abusive relationship. End point is....you are not good together and need to separate and work on your own issues individually.