What on earth happened?

[Amillionquestions8987]

I'm very confused right now. Partner and I have been having a lot of problems lately. He has been quite emotionally abusive.

I have been avoiding him as much as possible yet still crave being near him and him being kind to me or showing affection.

Other night I got quite drunk, but sober enough to know what was going on. We started cuddling and then he got quite not forceful, but not sweet either. He did ask if I wanted him to stop as I was just staring through him and not moving. I said to just get it over with, which he did.

We then both moved to opposite ends of our big sofa. I felt a bit, uncomfortable. But then I went and craved loved an affection from him that I ended up sleeping with him again and this time it got quite rough, I knew he liked it like that and wanted him to enjoy it.

I'm really confused how I feel. He has been terrible to me by his own admission with how he acts around me. Yet now he is acting like the best partner in the world. Yet the other day ignored ambulance people coming to me for a mental break down. Despite knowing he is the main cause.

We have a young baby and are due to get married this year.

Am I in an abusive relationship? Sometimes i wonder. Then he is amazing and i just melt. And when i am with him even when it is bad i crave him to be nice to me again.

I do agree with that completely. I have told him many a times we should separate so we can manage being good xo-parents before we end up hating each other.

I have no doubt he will be lazy as a parent without me behind him. But I know she will be loved and cared for and I have seen the damage his ex and inadvertantly him have done to their kids and I don't want that for ours.

Sorry but I have to disagree with pp that this isnt rape. Anyone engaging in sexual activity has a responsibility to look for body language cues to match a verbal yes. If someone is saying no in their body language, e.g. by freezing up, not responding etc, it doesn't matter if they said yes verbally. He should have paid more attention to how you were feeling.

It doesn't surprise me that afterward you sought him out for affection: it doesn't sound like you found the first time very loving or affectionate.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope you can find the strength to separate or at least seek therapy to improve your communication with each other. It sounds like he doesn't really know how to engage with you emotionally particularly if he is staring through you when you are sad etc. I do think you would be better separating and each getting some help, you may both come out better parents for it.
Sending hugs xxx

Also his anger management definitely needs some MH support or else you really do need to leave - it sounds somewhat dangerous and down the road your headed things could turn physical.

Final point: "I know he is only being kind to hold onto me" No no no. Please know that no matter what MH difficulties you are going through, you ARE worthy of love. And you are worth far better than this.

Good luck with your therapy and wishing you the best for the future

I must admit that my idea of rape and what I have. Been through rape wise never marched up to this. But I felt violated. I know if it was him giving me that look and telling me to get it over with I would hand taken that purely as him co senting to get me off him. Not him consenting to sex with me.

I am so glad others have seen things I have. Mainly that my little girl would be better without this. He is a good dad so he can be one without me and my little girl wont lose out

He was meant to get mental health support after his last "three pills" overdosd. I only say it like this as it took about six of those threats until I called an ambulance regardless to be dealt with abusd purely because I was sick of it. Especially coming from a history of very serious overdoses myself (barely survived).

One of his outbursts where when I was pregnant and I tried to help him and he pushed me and bump out the door quite aggressively to the point his own sister was annoyed

I believe i raised the rape word first, though i pointedly stated "pretty much raped". I phrased it that way because whilst I realise the incident described might not have been clear-cut enough to satisfy the crminal definition, to my mind it meets it morally. Rape is sex without consent. Although you technically agreed, it was more like coerced submission which is not my idea of consent. He knew you didn't want to, hence why he asked, and I'll bet a pound to a penny the manner in which you told him to "get it over with" sounded nothing remotely like enthusiastic consent. So, do I think what happened was clear-cut enough to get a criminal conviction? Sadly, probably not. Do I think he knew damn fine you did not want to have sex? Absolutely, and that makes it rape in my book.

Please be kind to yourself and don't make excuses for him. You deserve so much better than this.

On writing it seems like no big deal.

One of his outbursts where when I was pregnant and I tried to help him and he pushed me and bump out the door quite aggressive

Reading this is making me so uncomfortable OP. He manipulative and uncaring and his anger is escalating- how do you see this relationship which does sound "toxic" progressing in the future?

Please contact Women's Aid as suggested by Springydaff to talk to someone in real life who can give you some support. Rereading your posts you do absolutely know what's going on but are so invested in the situation and fear for the future that you keep going round in circles. Nothing will change,sadly, unless you change it.

Go along to the Freedom Programme, don't do it online. You in particular need to go along to the course. I don't think reading about it will work for you - you need to be with others who are experiencing the same.

There are so many of us who know exactly what you're talking about, who know the confusion and despair. I repeat: talking about it on here isn't going to break the spell. You need to do the research re Lundy Bancroft's book, Women's Aid, Freedom Programme.

Your posts are very upsetting to read. I really really want you to see what a hideous relationship this is, and it's destroying you.