So so mad with my selfish sister, pregnant when her kids hate the father

[pumpkinpie01]

Im so angry with my sister I just need a rant. Bit of a back story - she runs her own business and is barely at home, (think 6 days a week 12 hour days) her 2 youngest children 10 and 15 are on their own a lot. She works all weekend, never spends any quality time with them. Just under 2 years ago she started a relationship with a man 18 years younger than her and moved him in within 3 months. Her DC have no bond with him whatsoever. She is now about 3 months pregnant god knows how she will find the time to look after a baby. I think the world of her kids, her DD was sobbing her heart out at her mums selfishness and the 2 oldest have now moved in with me and want nothing to do with her. How on earth is this going to have a happy ending ? Why get pregnant deliberately by a man your kids have no relationship at all with ? I cant get my head round her thinking, Im so angry that she has basically put him before her DC.

Sorry but is that three kids by 2 fathers and another on the way?

I'd judge. She keeps having kids she doesn't emotionally support by different men who her children can't live with.

Yes that’s right, 2 kids with first husband and 1 with second. They have brilliant dads thank god. She said she knew her kids wouldn’t be happy , who actively chooses to upset their kids? Yes time to have another baby probably was running out , so bloody what she has 3 kids , look after them don’t have another.

You are a brilliant Auntie. Simply amazing and your love for your niece is priceless.

When things calm down, your niece might benefit from counselling. The school could help her, but in the meanwhile , you're worth your weight in gold and more for the love and support.

This post has made me quite emotional...not so much because of your selfish sister, but the way you care for your niece is quite rare to find.

She is lovely you couldn’t not like her that’s what makes me so sad that my sister can’t see that. Tonight we have done normal family things together and the girls have watched a film together in bed if she had been at home she would have been on her own regardless of recent events. She is also very stubborn and as my sister thinks she is in the right I can’t see how this is going to work out .

Lol, no I'm not the sister!

But I do see a situation here where we are seeing only one side of the story. Yes, older kids can be put out when a new sibling is announced. They will get over it, and quite frankly at their ages they should be a bit more mature. And the OP should be encouraging them to see the positives, not feeding the negative narrative.

The relationship is 2 years old. So, it seems long term. Why would anyone question the decision to have a child, 2 years in? Just because he is younger than her?

She works hard to financially support her existing DC, and is being hanged online for not spending enough time with them. They are preteen/teen/adult. Seems you can't ever win as a single mother. Damned if you work, damned if you don't.

So what if she goes on holiday without them sometimes. Everyone needs a bloody break. I don't take my DC every time I go away. Shoot me!

I see a pregnant woman, who by the fact she is growing another human, is vulnerable. She is being vilified by her family simply for choosing to have a new relationship and a child. Surely she is entitled to happiness? I don't think that is at her other DCs expense, I just see that they are upset at a big change and acting out. A teen's tantrum is no reason to castigate a family member, and hang her out to dry. Everyone in this scenario needs to grow up.

The father is the same age as her son.
She only thought of herself.

YoLoHogwomanay She's 40, he's 22, and they met when he was 19 or 20. No way is this going to last. In fact, if this was a young girl with a man the sister's age, most of us would think this was creepy.

I've just seen the BF has already been messaging other women. He'll be gone once the reality of a baby kicks in with the sleepiness nights, etc.

Some people are just inherently selfish and only think in the moment not long term. You are a lovely aunt OP and your nieces and nephews are lucky to have you. Leave your sister to her bf and concentrate on them.

@YoLoHogwomanay she goes a month without seeing her daughter, goes on holiday without her despite this (clearly does not need a break from childcare as she doesn't do any) and you think she's a good mother?

She's a shit mother. It's one thing working shifts and not seeing them as much as you like. It's another to not bother to even see them for a month and expecting a man who is only a few years older than her 15 year old daughter to act as their father figure and have a baby with him.

She clearly hasn't seen her ten year old in a month if she hasn't told him she's having a baby.

@YoLoHogwomanay if the bf had made an effort with the DC and my sister parented her other kids I would not be feeling this way My DN said last night that he had only ever grunted about 150 words to her. He is so immature, my DN tidies up after him, if he isn't at work (my sister employs him) he is on the play station, when the 10 yr old was living there and my sis would be at work he would forget to make him a meal, neither of them help him with homework. Few examples of selfishness towards DN - she has had open days and interviews at college her dad has took her to all of them, normally nothing wrong with that but my sis is self employed and has took no time off to take her and nor did she ask how they went. She never asks her how any exams have gone.She has one night a week at home I think the majority of mums would plan something with DC that one night , not her. She has an hour off a day which is 3.30-4.30 she does not spend that hour popping home to see her kids, she goes to sleep at work. She went all summer not seeing her DD, in that time she had been to Spain with us and abroad with her dad then rest of the Summer with her dad, I was there when she came back there were no hugs and she didn't even ask her what she had been up to. She works very hard, no one can deny that but it really has taken over her life. She is extremely busy over Christmas so goes on holiday in January minus the DC because'she deserves a break' when she barely saw them all Xmas and New Year. Over a year ago she went abroad for over 2 weeks but didnt take the DC anywhere. My DN loves babies but she is emotionally neglected, how can the stress of a baby possibly benefit her?

@YoLoHogwomanay

What an absolute load of bollocks.

Her sister sounds irresponsible, selfish and foolish.

A 22 year old dad - "lucky to have a committed partner"? Seriously doubt he'll stick around long-term.

And that was my view before I even read ops most recent post.

I’m with Yolo.

@contraceptionismyfriend@MulticolourMophead@Moralitym1n1. Just a little update - things are no better , my sis has not been to see the DC , she has sent me messages demanding I send her daughter home and specifying a time and day. They do not want to speak to her. She has put on fb she is heartbroken but has then gone on nights out. She has said I should be going to her house to sort this out , should she not be banging on my door to see her kids? I really can’t see this being resolved, any ideas ?

I'd block her number. You owe her less than nothing. You're standing by the victims of her shitty decisions and giving them a safe and loving home.
She is no longer a factor in your equation.

I'd ignore it completely other than replying and saying it in DN's choice and she is always welcome as long as she wants at yours.
I'd reiterate that to DN as well.

I have seen the damage selfish parents do and it's heartbreaking.

So many judgeypants here!

A pregnant woman being vilified for, shock horror, being pregnant! And for having a younger partner, I mean, how dare she! And for working hard to run a business and provide for her DC. What a bitch

The DD needs to talk to her mum and tell her how she feels. She is probably feeling put out and a bit jealous, rather than 'emotionally neglected'. It is hard being a teen, and very emotional, but no parent is a mind reader, or perfect. We all just muddle on doing our best.

OP, you should stop judging, and hear the other side of the story, and perhaps help your sister and her family instead of stoking the fire and driving the wedge deeper.

Hahaha she is vilified because she is a shit parent and instead of parenting the children she's got she decided to lay down and make another baby.

Great plan. Can't possibly see how that could go wrong.

Also the daughter doesn't have to talk to her. OP doesn't need to hear her side of the story.
This woman needs to stand up and prove that she can be a good mother to the child who she hurt.

Sounds a right shitshow and I feel sorry for the baby being born into such a horrible mess. Hopefully mum won't lose interest in them like she has done the others.

All you can do is be there for her kids and be the good female role model their mum can't be.

@YoLoHogwomanay I have heard my sisters version over and over by text ‘ I work hard I do everything for them ‘ she also told me she was either going to finish with the bf or have a baby with him so he didn’t remain childless. It’s not just the fact there is a baby on the way it’s the fact they already do nothing together. She has one meal a week cooked for her , they don’t watch films together, they don’t go shopping, she never asks her how her day has been , she never texts her when she is on holiday to see if she is having a nice time. I asked DN other day if she felt ready to speak to her mum and she said no, she is nearly 16 I can’t make her. She is the child that has done nothing wrong I feel it’s her mum that needs to try to put this right. If I send her home as I have been instructed she will feel rejected by me. I will not do that to her.

OP, it's clear you love your niece dearly. I hope you can find a way to help her rebuild her relationship with her mum. Taking sides is divisive. Is there another family member who can mediate?

Anyway, I wish you, your sister and her DC all the best.

Next time she complains that she ‘does everything for them’

Reply that ‘that is not a justification, she is their mother. That was the decision she made when she decided to have children. She is owed nothing for looking after a child she choose to have. And a child is exactly what her daughter is.’

I think the icing on the cake here is your sister demanding you send DN home or you going to her to sort it out!!!

She should be round at your place visiting her daughter, and collecting her herself.

Well it has all come to a head , we have had an almighty row over the phone. She was screeching and screaming that I should have took her daughter to her and made her speak to her. Incidentally she actually lives over the road which makes the whole situation even more ridiculous. My DN heard this row unfortunately. My sis contradicted herself throughout, one minute saying she works 80 hours a week next minute saying she did have time for her daughter as she is at home a lot. She has also involved our parents and has been crying to them. I sent her a civil text after as I could not get a word in and received a mainly civil response. Her DD then text her telling her she hates the confrontation this is causing and to stop involving other people and she will talk to her when she is ready. My sis has not mentioned her son at all but I suppose he is an adult at 19. So that’s it , they can continue to live with us for as long as they need to but I’m totally keeping out of it and will not engage in any conversations about the situation with her. (She threatened to smash my door down , bit strange seeing as we tend to answer it to people that knock). Thank you for everyone’s responses I have found them very helpful.