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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pressure to forgive for baby’s sake!

27 replies

Pinkroses1 · 05/03/2019 00:57

I’ve posted on here so many times about the grim situation I’m in..
So I’m currently 37 weeks pregnant, split up with DH and staying at my mums..
Reason is he’s a serial cheater with no remorse and we also discovered that he’d been sexually harassing my younger sister for nudes through fake accounts over the course of 2 years!!!
We’d only been married for 2 years as well!
He started to cheat when we were engaged but I forgave him thinking he was sorry but it never stopped.
He tells me he can’t help it and he doesn’t feel normal, doesn’t say sorry or doesn’t go to get help either, he’s a scumbag who pays for prostitutes!
He’s family seem more upset than he does and they’ve just come over to talk with my family telling me they’re really sorry and he won’t do it again etc etc
Of course none of this convinced me I know he won’t change and I couldn’t forgive a man who’s claimed he fancied my younger sister! GROSS.
My family were so against me getting back with him but now I feel like they’ve been slightly brain washed by his family, they’re telling me it won’t be easy having a child without his dad around..
But I know deep in my heart what he did is unacceptable and he doesn’t deserve me one bit! Especially as he has no remorse!

I’m only 23 I still have my whole life ahead of me, will there ever be the right one out there for me? His family claim there aren’t any decent men out there 😂
Will it be harder for a child to grow up with separated parents than to have unhappy parents living together ?

OP posts:

Auntiepatricia · 05/03/2019 00:59

Well you can certainly do a lot better than him. And being on your own is better than that too. One thing for sure is that your life WILL be horrific if you stay with someone so incredibly shit.

ColeHawlins · 05/03/2019 01:01

I’m only 23 I still have my whole life ahead of me, will there ever be the right one out there for me? His family claim there aren’t any decent men out there

Oh FGS what a family of manipulative Herberts.

You can do very much better. There are good men out there.

Your family need to be told straight that you, your baby and your DSis need their support in this.

You've absolutely done the right thing.

PulyaSochsup · 05/03/2019 01:06

Pink, this is awful for you. Absolutely dreadful.
I really think you need a happy and loving environment for you and your baby, postnatal hormones and a disturbed sleep schedule will not make this any easier to cope with.
At one point in my life I was a single mother to a newborn and two older girls, it was very tough but we made it and I have been happily remarried for nearly 15 years.
You are right, he doesn't deserve you. Keep your self respect high and be strong. It won't be easy at first, but it might be less stressful than being together. Good luck with your lovely baby.

Seniorschoolmum · 05/03/2019 01:09

My ds has grown up from the age of two, with separated parents. He cannot remember any different.
He is a happy well balanced little boy, who has a secure home life with me, and a good relationship with his dad, whom he sees every week.
That does not mean I must have a relationship with his father. My ds benefits from having a happy, relatively stress free mum who isn’t having to tolerate abusive behaviour from her other half.
So don’t listen to your family or his. Do you want your son growing up in a toxic environment, being taught that it is ok to treat people so selfishly? It is much easier to make the break now, when your child is small, than wait ten years, when the distress caused could do lasting damage.

There are plenty of decent men out there.

PBobs · 05/03/2019 01:59

Please don't get back with this man. If nothing else it would set the most awful example to your child of what is and is not acceptable in a relationship. Please just ignore everyone and enjoy your pregnancy and baby. There are so many wonderful, kind, caring, respectful and considerate men out there. You will find someone - and if not, you'll do wonderfully going it alone. Your ex can see his child - I agree that does not mean you have to have a relationship with him.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/03/2019 03:43

Jesus Christ. This man is SHIT. His family is SHIT. Go back to him and you will ruin your child's life. Don't be this stupid.

k1233 · 05/03/2019 03:45

Given his ongoing infidelity, I wouldn't let him within cooee of me. You will be perfectly fine raising a child without him in your life.

ErrmWTAF · 05/03/2019 05:06

Ask your parents, are they truly OK with him perving on your younger sister?!? I think they might need reminding what he's capable of.

Original poster

Pinkroses1 · 05/03/2019 09:49

I know my mind won’t change what he did is unforgivable and vile, he has no respect for me or my family.
It’s just the fact that his family are making me look selfish for my decision!

They’re telling me if I chose to leave they won’t be in DS’s life in anyway and I won’t get no support from etc which is fine with me tbh I have my family for now until I find a full time job. I know I’ll be fine :)

OP posts:

HeavenlyEyes · 05/03/2019 11:01

I think them not being in his life would be an advantage?

They sound toxic and almost as bad as this utter waste of space of a 'man'.

The further away you are from all of them the better surely? Where is your self esteem? I hope you find it pdq and start building a better life for yourselves with nobody like that anywhere near you ever again.

Jackshouse · 05/03/2019 11:06

Well his family obviously don’t have high or any expectations of men.

I personally think it would be better for your baby if you do split up. It will teach them so much more about what a positive relationship with love and respect looks like.

You don’t have to have contact with his family or if you do it’s on your terms. Tell them that if you bring up you getting back together with your ex then you will go no contact.

ErrmWTAF · 05/03/2019 11:08

"Ok, inlaws. Off you fuck. And don't let the door hit you on your toxic asses on the way out."

LemonTT · 05/03/2019 11:14

It is not easy to raise a child on your own. However it is more difficult to raise a child with a partner who has no respect for you, the child or himself.

Do not listen to them and if they say they want to help reply that they can do that by ensuring he bears his responsibility as a single parent, financially and emotionally.

Original poster

Pinkroses1 · 05/03/2019 11:35

His parents are just as toxic as he is, they believe that a man could do whatever he wants because he’s a “man” because his mum put up with physical abuse and nasty cheating and he still continues 🤣
I used to live with his parents and it was the worst 2 years of my life! I was bullied and screamed at like a child, and now they’re saying they miss me so much and I how they loved me 🤣 the only thing they’re really concerned about is what other people are going to say!
Ex isn’t even remorseful I know he’s not even bothered he knows he doesn’t deserve me, he admits he has issues, it’s his parents, they want me to come back so people don’t gossip. They don’t really care about what he’s done to me.

I don’t feel like I’ve lost him in anyway I’m just upset for the time I’ve wasted and all the bullshit I went through in that marriage for nothing! Now I feel sorry for this baby, I would’ve loved him to grow up with both parents but it doesn’t always work out that way unfortunately.

OP posts:

thefirst48 · 05/03/2019 11:39

Are you or your ex Asian? I've never known of an ex's family to get so involved.

Original poster

Pinkroses1 · 05/03/2019 11:43

We’re Turkish, Turkish families get really involved with their children’s lives and business and they’re the type that live for other people! Like all they care about is what people would think.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/03/2019 12:05

I think both you and baby would be better off without these toxic people in your lives!

Stay strong. You CAN do this on your own - you will have support from your family too.

He's a vile pig who has no respect for women and will just cheat on you time and again.

PreseaCombatir · 05/03/2019 12:10

If they’re threatening to not have anything to do with your child unless you ‘behave’ then you’re well rid!!
They’re love for your child will always be conditional.

You don’t need that shit!

rumptifizzer · 05/03/2019 12:15

Do not go back to a relationship with him. Allow him a relationship with his child. That's all

Hidingtonothing · 05/03/2019 12:29

I would be having no as little contact with them as possible, stop letting them drip poison in your ear and making you doubt yourself OP. Neither you nor your child will be better off with you in a relationship with someone you don't (and shouldn't) trust and who shows you such complete disrespect. You've said yourself that he and his family don't care about you so it's time for you to stop caring what they think or say.

GreenTulips · 05/03/2019 12:36

Stop letting them doubt yourself

You don’t need him

BadBear · 05/03/2019 12:43

I'll tell you what will be harder... Raising a child while you have to deal with a scumbag who doesn't respect you one bit.

I come from a Mediterranean family so I know exactly what you mean. Don't let them tell you people what you can't do, they are not you.

They are scared, you are not. You have life in you and you should remain strong for your child. You can do pretty much anything you want and yes there are decent people out there who will be proud to be by your side.

CouldntThink · 05/03/2019 12:45

It’s quite possible to be good parents without being together. No you should not be with him, bloody hell he sounds horrible. Also think about how you want your son to grow up and influences and role models he needs in his life. He needs positive influences and good examples if he is to learn about relationships and he won’t get that if you stay with him for the sake of the baby. Don’t do it.

BlingLoving · 05/03/2019 12:48

Do not bow to parental pressure - yours or his. This attitude has caused a lot of women over the years to stay in unhappy relationships with men who don't deserve them. Please, do not listen. If you go back to him you will simply be setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery or another blow out in a few month. And that's not good for your DC either.

Unfortunately, a lot of women are pressured in this way and judged. My own ILS are absolutely convinced that it is entirely SIL's fault that previous relationships haven't worked out and as a result she's now in one that doesn't make her happy but she doesn't trust herself enough to believe she has the right to walk away. Broadly speaking, I like my ILs but I will never stop judging them for this. Her last boyfriend before this one was a nice guy but so boring and not what she needed. Her family are STILL annoyed she didn't marry him and pop out babies.

MumUnderTheMoon · 05/03/2019 12:55

There are worse things than being a single parent. I would suggest that raising your child with a misogynistic, cheating, disrespectful, asshole would be much worse. Stay strong and tell your family you don't want to discuss him with them and tell his family the same. I really don't know how your family could seriously suggest that you subject yourself to a man who has sexually harassed your sister.

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