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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel terrible !

46 replies

Dumbledorker · 04/03/2019 22:41

I've being seeing someone since early January and long story short I want to end things but I feel so bad I cant bring myself to tell him or even know how to tell him!
Before him I had a two relationships where I was left absolutely heartbroken but I've never had to be the one who ends it before.
I know this might sound silly as it's not been that long but it's all new to me and I just dont know how to go about it. Please help

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 04/03/2019 23:05

If he's really into you, I would try to be kind...tell him in person but if he's likely to get upset, do it in a quiet but public location.

Just say you realise you've got into a relationship too soon and aren't in a position to commit to anyone...and that you care for him as a friend but that's all.

Marlena1 · 04/03/2019 23:17

You can just tell him you thought you were ready but you're not. That way he won't take it as personally. Try not to feel guilty, you can't help who you fall for.

Original poster
Dumbledorker · 04/03/2019 23:35

Thankyou. I feel so mad at myself because he is such a lovely person. He is so kind and thoughtful, funny, attractive, great dad to his dd, good job and nice home. So why I am not falling for him I dont know ! I've been cheated on and left absolutely heartbroken in the last 10 years by firstly my exdh and then a brief 6 month relationship after our divorce. Two guys who cheated and treat me like crap and here is this man who is so so lovely and yet I'm feel nothing and really cant imagine a future with him. I know what it's like to hurt so much and I'm just afraid that il hurt him. I can tell he is really really into me and briefly told me he loves me one night but I got away with pretending I had mistook what he said.

OP posts:
Marlena1 · 04/03/2019 23:39

Maybe you are genuinly not ready and you needsome time for yourself. You have been through a lot.

Original poster
Dumbledorker · 04/03/2019 23:45

I think that might be it. I do enjoy my own space and he asked if I wanted some company the other night but I didnt know what to say with fear of hurting his feelings. He came and we watched TV and cuddled but it just didnt feel right. I think I just need to concentrate on myself and let the right man come along when the time is right and the stars align and all that jazz whatever it is.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 05/03/2019 02:02

It sounds like maybe you have a pattern of being attracted to shit men who let you down. Is that right?

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 05/03/2019 02:05

Be honest with him, if there’s no spark

IncrediblySadToo · 05/03/2019 02:13

It’s only been 8-9 weeks! ‘Im sorry, it’s not you it’s me’.

Then work out whether it was him or being involved again tat you weren’t comfortable with.

Original poster
Dumbledorker · 05/03/2019 11:12

I know it's only about 9 weeks which is why I know it sounds a bit daft that I'm worrying so much but in my experiance when I was in my other relationships I was in love with them by this point and it would have still hurt me hearing they no longer wanted to be with me. Although I wish they had done it this early instead of leading my on and doing it later after 10 years a d the other 6 months. I think I'm going to arrange a coffee with him and do it then. I do think it could possibly be more me just not being ready and so I have a wall up stopping me from loving someone else right now. I've been so heartbroken twice In a row that i dont know if my mind would allow me to become that vulnerable to be emotionally attached to a man ever again.

OP posts:
MumsyJ · 05/03/2019 14:00

After your exH, did you give yourself enough time before entering into the 6 months relationship, and subsequently, this one?

If yes, why don't you break it down gently to him or maybe tell him you want to take things slowly?

Or are you attracted to certain faction of men ( bad boy looks, heartbreakers)? Some ladies make that mistake again and again, but I'm hoping your reason now is trying to take a step back from the dating scene and finding yourself?

Good luck with whatever decision you make but listen to your gut instinct.

bettysmomma · 05/03/2019 14:02

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IncrediblySadToo · 05/03/2019 14:06

Maybe you need to give yourself time to fall in love with him? Maybe you’re so unused to ‘nice decent caring’ that you just see the relationship as a non starter because there’s no dramatic falling in love within 9 weeks. Chemistry can build. Why are you in such a hurry to dump him?

IncrediblySadToo · 05/03/2019 14:07

SPAM POST REPORTED

flamingnoravera · 05/03/2019 14:09

Also reported

Original poster
Dumbledorker · 05/03/2019 14:50

IncrediblySadToo this is what my friends have told me to do too otherwise I would have finished things weeks ago. I was hoping the feelings would come eventually and although I know they still could I cant help feel like I'm being cruel because I'm wasting his time and also letting him fall deeper for me too. I do like him but it's like you said it's the immediate spark that isn't there which was there with the other two. Hes messaged me today asking if I'm ok as I have seemed a bit quiet lately. Sad

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 05/03/2019 22:26

Yes, obviously you don’t want to string him along if he’s not the one for you. However, ‘slow burners’ can become ‘the one’ if you let them. Chemistry is important. Absolutely. BUT sometimes people are attracted to the buzz of a ‘wrong un’ and don’t recognise the chemistry with a slow burner.

Do you enjoy spending time with him?

Do you want to kiss him?

HollowTalk · 05/03/2019 22:29

What attracted you to him in the first place? I would be very careful about getting rid of a really nice man if you're normally attracted to bad boys. I've heard women say they are contemptuous of men who are nice, that they think they're foolish for being nice, or boring. The fact you fell in love almost immediately before doesn't prove anything - those relationships didn't work out, did they?

meladeso · 05/03/2019 23:06

@IncrediblySadToo
^^

This with bells on!

My DH was a slow burn, in fact I was quite sure it'd peter out / be over in a few months.

But I sat tight and took no drastic action, didn't see him more than every 2 weeks ish, and just enjoyed the ride without over thinking it.

I could easily have finished it in those first few months.

Instead we're 12 years in and very happily married with 2DC.

Original poster
Dumbledorker · 05/03/2019 23:56

meladeso that's so lovely to hear!!

I do like kissing him and we've slept together on a few occasions now too.
I'm meeting him for coffee tomorrow on his lunch break and didnt know if to approach the subject then. If I can pin point the reasons why I dont like him it would probably have to be that sometimes he can talk about his job and I havent the faintest idea what he is going on about and he talks about it alot ! I've tried tell him while laughing that I'm completely stumped at what he has just been on about and blamed myself for being a bit thick and not following the jargon etc. But he still Carrie's on about it and it's so hard to follow. I've tried drop hints too. It's not like we dont have anything else to talk about either. Also there are other little quirks about him that just make me cringe a little bit and uve tried to ignore them especially as I'm far from perfect myself too j know that. I dont know if it's a case of being attracted to bad boys as there were no signs of the other two being that way. They eventually just cheated.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/03/2019 00:06

Cringing at someone is a really bad sign!

YoLoHogwomanay · 06/03/2019 00:43

OP, you've got THE ICK. It cannot be ungot once it's got.

The little irritations will just grow. Put him down now, before you want to murder him for his 'little ways'.

IncrediblySadToo · 06/03/2019 01:27

It sounds like the sex was a bit ‘meh’ too?

...and cringey habits?

It is starting to sound more like a no than a slow.

Original poster
Dumbledorker · 06/03/2019 01:58

The ICK sounds like the perfect way to describe it. Il reiterate that this guy Is honestly so bloody lovely and otherwise perfect. It's a genuine "it's not you its me" scenario. Oh God. Shall I tell him over coffee on his work break tomorrow or would that be cruel?

OP posts:
RiversDisguise · 06/03/2019 02:10

Sex can't have been much cop, right?

Just tell him nicely enough that you don't feel.you click and leave it at that.

You don't owe him anything.

Original poster
Dumbledorker · 06/03/2019 07:50

Sex was okay. It was strange being with someone else after so long and he was different and alot smaller in that department than the others which was difficult at times if that makes sense. God I feel awful just writing that as size shouldn't matter but on this occasion it was more difficult to ..... stay in if that makes sense Confused

OP posts: