Odd e-mail from male friend

[Penguinandbears]

Received an e-mail from a friend of mine who is a professor in a University in Austria.

Went to university with him 20 odd years ago, no real contact with him there but after I left he sent a long letter to my college which they forwarded on and then sent me lots of letters. He moved back abroad but would try to see me when he could and we would go for days out together as friends. He sometimes has filmed me the whole time we are out and says he has a collection of films of me - quite eccentric behaviour. Once he got a flight to the US and got one stopping in London just to see me. Sometimes I get told completely inappropriate things like his sexual fantasies which I really don't want.

Anyway, he had a baby last year with his girlfriend. He has now sent me a message saying he wants to work in England for a term and he wants to bring the baby but the babies mother isn't happy. He's asked for my new address and new phone number (moved recently) and says he wants to call me to discuss English nurseries.

I've left it a week. My view is the child should be in Austria with her mother not brought over here to be put in a nursery long hours with no-one speaking her language but then its not really my place to decide that. I am also concerned why he's asking me - I don't want to look after his child and my children are much older. Does anyone know if a nursery would even take for 3 months and how much would they charge? He doesn't even know the area though. I don't mind meeting up once but I feel uneasy about this - its odd the way he's referred to his partner as "the child's mother" and not my partner. Any advice on how to deal with this - I would be much happier messaging than phoning as I will be on the spot phoning. I'm married with 2 older kids and 3 pets and got enough to do without childminding but that's probably not what he's after. Thanks very much.

Did you not think it odd that you were bombarded with letters from someone you had little contact with in uni? And then that he sat and filmed you when you met up for days out? What were you thinking letting this go on? I would be very very worried about his next move tbh. He sounds unhinged

I would avoid getting involved at all. Can you just disappear/ignore? I wouldn’t normally suggest that but he sounds odd and I wouldn’t trust him. You could be lumbered with him and his issues if he does come over. Definitely don’t give him your new address.

Why do you describe this man as a friend? Why isn't he someone you have blocked off every platform possible? Why did you not tell him to fuck off the very first time he filmed you?

He sounds like a weirdo tbh I’d be keeping my distance

I agree. I just wouldn't reply or get involved. I certainly wouldn't give him new address/number.

The filming is way beyond weird. Why didn't you walk off?

If you feel you have to reply, I'd say, "Oh that sounds a bad idea. Your child would be far better staying with your partner. Nurseries here don't take babies for short periods like that and your child would be very distressed to be amongst strangers in a strange country."

Then leave it. Don't say you're too busy. If he actually asks you to do it, tell him that of course you won't.

I wonder whether his partner actually knows he's bringing the baby over. I wouldn't be surprised if he planned to stay over here with the baby.

He's definitely a creepy freak!!!! Don't reply & Don't give him your details he sounds very very dodgy!

I don't understand why you can't see this is all wrong.
He is stalking you.

Dont reply. Simples.

Why did you allow him to film you / continue to meet up with him after he had filmed you?

Das mochte ich nicht der Zange anfassen.

That’s the only German expression you need....

(I wouldn’t handle it with pliers - or, in English, I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole)

Put a “mit” between the nicht and the der. Spellcheck is killing me.

Don't give him your address.
Don't give him your telephone number.
Block.

He's not normal - of the scary variety.

Does he believe he's in a relationship with you?

Er why are you having ANY contact with this man?

Despite not knowing him you get loads of long letters from him after Uni

He films you for whole days and keeps the films

He describes sexual fantasies to you when you are not in a sexual relationship

Run. Block. Hope he doesn’t track you down.
Make sure your own DH knows all about him just in case he turns up (ie don’t let him in the house)

Block him.

I feel like you would benefit from the Freedom Programme, OP.

Something about this has "people pleasing", and "needing permission to disengage" at the heart.

Nope. Take the opportunity that having moved gives you and mark the email as spam.

Thanks very much. I think I need to cut him off. I feel really mean but I don't think its healthy for him either.

He doesn't think we are in a relationship and has never asked me out but always seemed obsessed - he came to my wedding and told me he'ld imagined me many times before of what I would look like on my wedding day. Also when he's brought girlfriends he ignores them - one he left at the back of boat and started talking / filming me and I said should we not be with your girlfriend to and he just said no leave her there. She was upset but he didn't seem to care.

He had been a lot better since I've been married - filming stopped and it could be he's just decided a term in UK would be nice. But it just feels like he maybe doing it to be by me and bringing the baby and asking my advice and exactly where I live seems very odd especially when he knows her mother isn't happy about it. It seems odd to leave his partner and go abroad for 3 months too with a baby under 1. It could be they have split as he's just referring to her as the baby's mother but in that case I feel even more wary. Thanks for your help - was trying to work out if I was imagining the issue but seems not.

Oh dear God, he absolutely believes he is in a relationship with you.
Why on earth did you invite him to your wedding ?
This is NOT normal
None of his behaviour is normal.

This is so far from normal...don't give him your new address. He's obsessed with you.

What does your DH think?

How could you think any of this is acceptable, healthy and normal? The baby and its nursery is the least of your worries. Cut him off for everyone's sakes.

Block, block, and block.

My DH is OK with him, he knows I have no interest in him and they get on OK.

For years I just thought he was very eccentric and the filming I put down to him being eccentric. He is generally eccentric - if you go to the supermarket with him he will buy 30 boxes of tea. I was quite naïve when I was younger and didn't really dawn on me he was obsessed until he said about imagining me on my wedding day many times. After the wedding his behaviour improved though had impression he was waiting for me incase DH and I split. I thought him having a baby meant he had moved on but from that e-mail I don't think so. I feel mean but will cut contact for everyone's sake.