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Original poster

Odd e-mail from male friend

53 replies

Penguinandbears · 04/03/2019 18:31

Received an e-mail from a friend of mine who is a professor in a University in Austria.

Went to university with him 20 odd years ago, no real contact with him there but after I left he sent a long letter to my college which they forwarded on and then sent me lots of letters. He moved back abroad but would try to see me when he could and we would go for days out together as friends. He sometimes has filmed me the whole time we are out and says he has a collection of films of me - quite eccentric behaviour. Once he got a flight to the US and got one stopping in London just to see me. Sometimes I get told completely inappropriate things like his sexual fantasies which I really don't want.

Anyway, he had a baby last year with his girlfriend. He has now sent me a message saying he wants to work in England for a term and he wants to bring the baby but the babies mother isn't happy. He's asked for my new address and new phone number (moved recently) and says he wants to call me to discuss English nurseries.

I've left it a week. My view is the child should be in Austria with her mother not brought over here to be put in a nursery long hours with no-one speaking her language but then its not really my place to decide that. I am also concerned why he's asking me - I don't want to look after his child and my children are much older. Does anyone know if a nursery would even take for 3 months and how much would they charge? He doesn't even know the area though. I don't mind meeting up once but I feel uneasy about this - its odd the way he's referred to his partner as "the child's mother" and not my partner. Any advice on how to deal with this - I would be much happier messaging than phoning as I will be on the spot phoning. I'm married with 2 older kids and 3 pets and got enough to do without childminding but that's probably not what he's after. Thanks very much.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 05/03/2019 00:18

He's not just weird, he's creepy. Block and ignore him. Why on earth would he bring his baby here for 3 months when he's working?

I'm not even sure if I believe he's telling the truth...it might just be an excuse engage you in conversation.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/03/2019 00:25

Sorry OP, you sound almost as peculiar as he is: happily going along with the feverish letter writing and the creepy stalkery filming and all the rest of it. For years. Noting him neglecting his gfs in your favour, passively nodding along when he told you he’d imagined you on your wedding day a million times.... I guess you must have got a real thrill/ego boost from him? Either way the time to drop and block has come.

PissOffPeppa · 05/03/2019 02:15

He has a collection of films of you??? That’s beyond creepy.

Block him on every single platform and never contact him again.

JockTamsonsBairns · 05/03/2019 07:15

I totally agree with atrocious, this is extremely strange from everyone involved. You were somehow on a boat with him and his girlfriend, he was filming you (doing what?), he ignored his girlfriend who clearly and understandably was unhappy with the situation - and you went along with that?
You list umpteen examples of his crazily inappropriate behaviour, yet wonder if you have somehow "imagined" it?
He has said that he's coming to England for a term with his small baby, leaving the baby's mother in Austria, and it actually sounds like you are engaging with this plan on some level.
I don't understand the dynamic between the two of you at all. His behaviour towards you, and indeed the mother of his baby, is bordering on the insane - but you seem to think it would be "mean" to point this out and block him on all platforms?
Your own DH is apparently fine with all of this, and in fact gets on quite well with him?
I honestly can't figure out what's going on here.

Prinstress · 05/03/2019 07:21

When you say he filmed you... on his phone? With a TV crew? What were you doing that inspired him to film you?

What do you think he does with his collection of films?

I’m so shocked someone would stick a camera in your face for his growing collection, and you don’t bat an eye lid cause he buys a lot of tea at the supermarket Confused

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 05/03/2019 07:29

Whaaaaaatt? You invited him to your wedding? And now - rather than your first thought being 'hell no,' you are trying to solve his "problem" of child-abduction by considering childminding.

Bookworm4 · 05/03/2019 07:29

What is it on here with all these drippy people scared to say no?
This guy is a complete weirdo, why have you and your DH indulged him? Get his creepy ass to fuck, delete and block asap.

CountessVonBoobs · 05/03/2019 07:33

I'm sorry, but are you mad??? He's unstable and trying to fuck you. You should have blocked him on every means of communication years ago. Your boundaries badly need a tune-up. That you would even consider replying and didn't long ago say "That is totally inappropriate, fuck off and don't contact me again" is almost more worrying than his behaviour.

Don't reply. Ever again. He isn't your friend. He's creepy and messed up but that isn't your problem. That poor baby.

azulmariposa · 05/03/2019 07:35

Friend? Sounds like stalker to me!

I'd cut off contact, especially due to the telling of his sexual fantasies. That's a huge no-no for me. And then the filming. Seriously?!? It's not a romantic "Love Actually" thing. It's quite scary.

Offside · 05/03/2019 07:44

Sounds like he was looking for an excuse to just get your new address and number. Don’t give it to him, OP, he is stalking you.

Chapter1 · 05/03/2019 07:52

You don’t want to get involved with him and a tiny baby. His plans are extremely weird. Stay out of it.

wowfudge · 05/03/2019 07:53

OP - just re-read your first post on this thread. If a friend told you about someone behaving towards them in this way, do you really think you would say, "he's just eccentric" or would you advise her to stay the hell away?

As for being naïve - either you still are or alternatively, you're as weird as he is and get a kick out of knowing he is obsessed with you.

Just what do you think he does with those videos of you? The whole situation is not normal and talking about bringing his child to the UK to you is an escalation of stalker behaviour.

Desmondo2016 · 05/03/2019 07:55

Your acceptance of this is almost as baffling as his behaviour.

Holidayshopping · 05/03/2019 07:58

He sometimes has filmed me the whole time we are out

What??

Why would you give this creep the time of day?

Fe the baby-do you mean he’s coming here for work and bringing the baby, but not the baby’s mum? And he wants a nursery for 3 months? 3 months solid-night and day, or just during the days? Where will the mum be?!

Ilovepinkroses · 05/03/2019 08:11

So he wasn’t actually ever your friend?

tablelegs · 05/03/2019 09:59

This is odd.

Don't engage with him/about nursery. If you feel you need to reply, say you don't know about nursery because your children are older.

It doesn't sound like a friendship OP.

saccade · 05/03/2019 10:09

What do you get out of this ‘friendship’?

If you knew you never had to see or make contact with him again, would you feel relief?

Also - you don’t have to be someone’s friend just because they’ve decided so.
That may sound harsh but please take it on board.

wowfudge · 05/03/2019 11:09

If you are going NC then fgs unfriend him on Facebook and any other social media and make sure friends of friends can't see your profile, etc.

carrotflinger · 05/03/2019 11:17

Block and ignore. Rinse and repeat.

This is thoroughly bizarre.
Is he Austrian? I live in Austria and I have no end of problems with Austrian men. Their attitude to relationships/women is very different to British men's attitudes.
Obviously we shouldn't stereotype (there are some really lovely Austrian men) but there is a very definite cultural difference. Things that we wouldn't consider acceptable in the Uk are the norm here.
One thing is that they absolutely do not give a shit whether the woman they are chasing is married or has a partner or not. Nor do they give a shit whether they are married or not.

You really do need to block him completely. His term in England may never come to pass due to Brexit issues and he won't be able to bring the baby without the mother's consent. Still, none of this is your problem.

sagradafamiliar · 05/03/2019 11:22

Could you at least let the mother of his child know that he's planning on kidnapping her kid before you cut contact/encourage him further? Honestly your flippancy has made for quite a chilling read!

wowfudge · 05/03/2019 11:53

God no - imo she shouldn't engage with this man ever again. Involving herself in his relationship with his girlfriend will do no good.

seahorse85 · 05/03/2019 11:59

Why do you feel sorry for him?Confused

sagradafamiliar · 05/03/2019 12:13

Wow sorry but the girlfriend deserves to know what she's involved with. The man is dangerous. I absolutely wouldn't engage with him again or have any contact with the girlfriend either after passing on the warning.

Original poster
Penguinandbears · 05/03/2019 12:27

The way the e-mail is phrased implies the mother has agreed to him going for 3 months with the baby and without her but has said she's not happy about the baby going for any longer.

I don't even know the girlfriend's name or have any way of contacting her. I only know her first name - they are not married - I have never met her. Previous girlfriends I've encouraged him to be nicer to and his previous girlfriends have said his behaviour is weird all the time - he was filming everything normally and has a filming obsession. The filming was pre my marriage so 15 to 20 years ago and has stopped. On marrying he has only been in touch around once a year so I assumed he had moved on. Does fly over to see me about one weekend a year but other than that not really any contact.

I have not made any contact with him since this e-mail as I'm worried by it. It's normal to take sabbaticals in academia - he's been abroad a lot before, it seems odd to me to take the baby and not your partner. It seems odd to go abroad when the baby is so young. I don't get a lot out of the relationship - we have nice days out when he comes over but can have same days without him. I was in two minds as wasn't sure if this was innocent or not but if same happened to a friend I would be suspecting not so think that gives me the answer. Thanks for all the help with that. Yes I am eccentric too and surrounded by lots of eccentric people and I am probably guilty of just finding eccentric behaviour normal. Also was brought up to be super polite and that women should always put themselves last. I have got better at that but its still what I am used to. I will leave it there now as I have my answer.

OP posts:
VietnameseCrispyFish · 05/03/2019 14:02

One of the most bizarre threads I’ve read, both on OP’s part and this guy’s